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Mamma :-" MY DEAR CHILD, YOU REALLY MUST NOT TAKE NOTICE OF SUCH RUDE BOYS AS THAT!"

Eleanor (who has just been talking to Butcher-boy) :-" OH, MAMMA, I'M SURE HE'S NOT RUDE, HE'S SUCH A KIND BOY,-WHY HE LET ME DRIVE HIS PIG ALL DOWN THE HIGH-STREET THE OTHER DAY!"

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THE SILLY THING! NELLIE trembles for her hold on the affections of her darling Willy-as dapper a little clerk as ever asked you "Hard or soft ?" at the Bank of England. She has heard that there are "transfer days" at that establishment.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF SPECIES.

PROFESSOR DARWIN must read with intense satisfaction that the portfolio of the Minister of Public Works in the new Spanish Government has fallen to Senor Gorilla.

A HOARSE WHISPER. IT is astonishing how small a foundation rumour requires. It was reported the other day that there was a screw loose in Rawbone's affairs, but it simply arose from the fact that he had turned his saddlehorse out to grass.

WATCH YE UP TO? WHAT is the difference between a Co. and a Chronometer ?-The former stops in order to take the benefit of the Winding-up Act, and the latter takes the benefit of the winding-up act in order not to stop.

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The Petition of the Fairies to Father Christmas.

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Petition of the Fairies

HUMBLY SHEWETH

MAY it please your Highness, We, the undersigned, Suffering from shyness, Difficulty find

In our wish expressing,

That you'll turn your mind To those wrongs redressing Under which we've pined Since the time When Pantomime,

By Burlesque outshined, Has (the fact's distressing) Constantly declined. Once we fairies sprightly Were the Lords of Yule, At the playhouse nightly Used the roast to rule. Then the children hailed us, Just returned from school; Harlequin ne'er failed usClown aye played the foolPantaloon availed us For our ridicule. Columbine enchanting Tripped 'mid elfins, haunting

Magic fount and pool,

Cave and grotto cool.

Now Burlesque the cunning,
Wickedest of plagues,

With incessant punning,
And a show of legs,

Takes up all the running—
Beats us many pegs,
Not content with sipping
At the cup of folly,
Drains it to the dregs-
Makes us melancholy!
Pantomime the jolly

Utterly outstripping.
In the Transformation
Only we appear-
(That denomination
Is not very clear-
Save 'tis occupation

Of the very sphere
Pantomime held dear)
Fairies, intervening,

Virtue aid no more, From all evil screening Good folks as of yoreFairies now no longer Wage 'gainst Vice the fight,

Help in its des vite,

Weaker against stronger,
Right, too, against might.

Listen to our rhyme,

Lord of mirth and chime!
Honest Pantomime

Of the olden time,

Aid we pray Against grotesque Popinjay,

Mad Burlesque,

And restore his sway!

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This is our commercial friend who imagines he is passing himself off as no end of a swell, and so he is; but why, oh, why! did he leave his scissors in his pocket after cutting up his silks, thereby causing all the pretty girls to think him a tailor?

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[1888

ALWAYS call a spade a spade-but it won't come any the sooner for that. If it continues inexorable you had better fetch it yourself to avoid discomfort.

Snails are a great nuisance, they do so much damage, and are so difficult to catch. We should think greyhounds might be trained to run them down, as the truffle-dogs do truffles. The canine instinct is so remarkable, it need not necessarily stick at truffles. Will some of our correspondents try this and report?

Mustard and cress may be grown on flannel, but it is as well not to wear the flannel while the crop is springing, the roots tickle you so as they grow.

It is perfectly useless to sow lettuce with a needle and thread-especially Cos lettuce, 'cos it won't stand it.

PREDICTIONS.

ABOUT the 25th of the second of these months there will be great anxiety in the minds of tenants. Landlords will go through much tribulation, and

will watch the moon attentively to see if she passes through the crisis unscathed. These disturbances, however, will have no political signification. England will be threatened with a grievous calamity, in the form of an earthquake, which will destroy the credit of the Bank of England and shake the Established Church to its foundation. England is of course constantly

threatened with this, but it may be only the earthquake's fun, so we need not alarm ourselves. Nevertheless, we should recommend our readers either to learn to swim or to buy a cork-jacket, especially if they go to the seaside. Those, however, who do not consider themselves born to be drowned may dispense with these precautions.

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