MRS. BROWN DOES A FAVOUR.

I CERTINGLY didn't know much about MRS. RANCEFIELD more than 'avin' seen 'er at MRS. PADWIC's once or twice and 'eard say as she'd been 'ead nuss in a noblemar family, and was quite took aback by 'er a-comin' in to call on me, and that friendly as I didn't expect from one as I'd only took tea with ata mutual friend' s, as the sayin' is. She come in werry elegant dressed, and a Chantilly wail as you don't often see, and says, "I've often promised myself the pleasure of comin' to see you, MRS. BROWN."

I says, "Mum, you're werry perlite," as she certingly were, and know'd manners, thro' 'er mother 'avin' been in the baby linen line, and supplied the fust families and made shirts for the DUKE OF YORK, as were sold second-'and at two guineas a-piece, bein' cambric, as wouldn't have fretted a baby's flesh, and 'ad 'em in my own 'ands and never paid for, as is often the way.

So she set and chatted wery pleasant, and she said at last, "I must be goin'."

I says, "Where's your 'urry," a-knowin' as she'd nothink for to do. "Oh," she says, "I'm werry busy, and only come out for a little fresh hair, thro' bein' nearly wore out nussin'."

I says, long ago."

"You don't say so; why I thought as you'd give that up Oh yes," she says, "so I have," but she says, "LADY LYDIA come in 'er own carriage, and was ready to go down on 'er knees to me for to come and nuss 'er daughter as is MRS. NEATE."

I says, "Oh! indeed, and I hope she's a doin' well." "Bless you, no," she says, "she might do well but for 'er temper, leastways," she says, a-checkin' 'erself "it's one of them cases as wants the greatest care and watchin' constant, and I daren't 'ardly leave 'er as 'ave got 'er in a lodgin' near Clapham Common, but was obliged to get a little fresh hair this mornin', and it's werry 'ard to think as she can't be left, for my boy's a-goin' to be married the day arter to morrow and I can't go."

"Well," I says, "that is 'ard, to be sure; " but I says, "Why not get

some one as you can trust for to watch 'er ?"

"Ah!" she says, "Where am I for to find sich a one-not as she's any trouble, for she's always a readin' or a sleepin', except at meal time; and all I wants is some one to mount guard for a 'our or two while I'm away."

"Well," I says, "Mum, if I could be of any use." "Law," she says, "MRS. BROWN, you're the werry one as I've been longin' for."

So I says to myself, "Oh! oh! my lady, that's what you come arter ?" I was sorry as I'd spoke, but law, she jumped at me so sudden as I couldn't get out of it, so was obligated to go.

It was a quiet-looking 'ouse as she were a-livin' in, and I got there by ten in the mornin', and MRS. RANCEFIELD said as I were a dear, and off she went, only sayin' as I needn't go near MRS. NEATE till I was called for. I 'adn't been in the 'ouse ten minits when I 'eard the bell ring like thunder and lightning broke loose, and the servant says, "That's for you."

So up I goes to the first floor front, and there was that inwalid aBettin' agin' the winder with a face that flamin' as I says to myself ain't been brought on by toast and water.

When she see me she says, "Oh, you're the old woman as is to.

amuse me."

I says,
Excuse me, mim, but I were not aware-"
She says, "Oh, bother, cut it short."

Well, I did stare at 'er to 'ear a lady talk like that; she says, "Don't stand starin' there, come and set down."

So I set down, and she says, "Old faggot in flounces is out, and I mean to do as I like in spite of you, so ring that bell."

In course I rung it, and up come the servant, and she says to 'er, "bring me the drops."

The servant says, "There ain't none in the 'ouse."

She says, "That's a lie, and if you don't bring it I'll raise the neighbourhood."

I says to the servant, "For mercy sake give "er the drops, if they'll pacify 'er." "Werry well," she says, "mind it's your doings;" and out of the room she goes and brings back a black bottle.

I says, "Whatever drops are they?”

But a-fore the gal could answer me that poor creetur ad grabbed 'old of the bottle, as I see and smell were brandy, and if she didn't begin a-drinking it out of the bottle.

I says to the gal, "'elp me get it away from 'er," and I'd 'ave got it away only I see the young woman was afraid, so I watched my opportunity and got 'old of the poker and gave that bottle sich a tap as it flowed to atoms in 'er 'and.

If you'd 'ave 'eard 'er scream and dash the neck of the bottle at me, as made a dent in the wall behind me 'arf a inch deep, and then she made a rush at the gal and ketched 'old of 'er by the 'air of 'er 'ead.

I throwed myself on 'er with all my weight, and down she come with a squash, and I 'eld 'er on the floor; but law 'er strength was that tremenjous as she soon rolled me over and was up agin and at the young woman, as 'ad jest time to get out of the room, and left me at bay like with that drunken tiger.

I'd kep' the poker 'andy, so I says to 'er, "Now you keep off, or else I'll try what cast iron can do." Not as I meant to 'it the poor wretch with the poker; but I says, "Set down."

Well, she kep''er eye on me, and didn't move till she 'eard some one on the stairs, and then if she didn't take and lock the door.

So I says, "This won't do," and I made up my mind for to close with 'er, and so I did that sudden as she was throwed off 'er guard, as she turned to lock the door, and I ketched her by the harms, and I throw'd 'er on the bed, and set on 'er legs and 'eld down 'er arms.

To 'ear 'er yell was awful. I called to them as was outside to bust open the door, or else get a ladder and come in at the winder; I managed for to 'old that deluded maniac down in the bed, as tried to bite at me, and raved, and I was jest a-feelin' my strength a-giving way when a man's 'ead come up to the winder, as were soon in the room. We'd a 'ard struggle to get the key from 'er, but at last we did, and then the gentleman as were the doctor's assistant, let in the servant and another woman. Of all the figgers as ever you see I was the queerest without a bit of cap or 'air on my 'ead and my face scratched, and my gownd nearly tore off my back.

So says the doctor, "Where did she get the drink?"

Says that impident hussey of a servant, "This good lady give it 'er." "Me!" I says, "Yes," she says;

you told me to let 'er 'ave it." I says, "I never did 'ear of sich a thing.".

"Why!" she says, "you said to me, 'Let 'er have the drops, if they'll pacify 'er.'

for we 'ad our work cut out to keep that poor wretch in bed, and at I never was more took aback, but there wasn't no time for talkin', last she was quite wore out and fell into a sort of stupor like.

I says to the doctor, "She must have got at the brandy afore I come, for what I see 'er take couldn't 'ave drove 'er mad."

I stopped till jest on five o'clock, and then went away, as no Mrs. RANCEFIELD didn't turn up, and if that woman didn't go and tell Mrs. PADWICK, as she'd asked me for to look arter a lunatic for a 'our or two, and 'ad been 'plied the poor creetur with brandy till I brought on delirous trimlins.

So I 'ad it out with 'er, and made 'er beg my pardon, for she found out as it was that servant as did used to let that poor thing 'ave the sperrits on the sly, as was a confirmed drunkard as nothing wouldn't cure, and all brought on thro' the doctors a-giving of 'er them stimylants for medicines when low, as got 'er into the 'abits of drink, as I'm told is werry common among the first ladies as takes to it like that. But never will I forgive Mrs. RANCEFIELD a-playin' me sich a trick, not as she'll ever ask me ag'in, for that poor creetur is dead and gone, and never 'ad 'er senses no more not to know any one, as was werry low, as only gives relief for a time, and is sure to end bad. awful and a-warnin' not to give way to them sperrits when you feels

"Cut your Coat according to the Cloth."
GOODNESS knows! I'm very willing
To regard this caution-but
Vain 'tis this to be instilling

When I've got no cloth to cut!

Some are lucky, birth provides them
With their coats already made;
Such their style-no one derides them,
All their tailors' bills are paid.
Others, true, have got the bother
Of the making of their coats;
But they get the cloth sans pother-
No harsh fate their lot denotes.
Others have much toil and racket,
For but little cloth have they,
Scarce enough for e'en a jacket-
Yet that serves them in its way.
But, alas, for me, though clever
In the "ontter's" complex art,
For myself I labour never :-
Is it strange I've lost all heart?
Is it strange these words impel me
To give way to bitter wrath?
How to cut my coat pray tell me-
But when I have got the cloth!

THE STREET SEMAPHORE.

MASTER EDITUR-SIR,-When us as live 't a distuns comes up ta Lundun ta spen' the Chriselmas holdays, it's mostly t case that we goes aout an 'baout a good deal heer an' theeur for t' see soights. Thairs t' waxwurk, an' t' Pollythickneck, an' t' Tower whair they keep ta carown jewilary, an' t' Hoyde Parks, an Son Poles, an' mony others for to go an' look at. Wot's mooar, their's t' Wassminst' Abby as shows a soite larger than our pairish church foive toimes ower. But I tell thee, m' lad, that I never could ha' guessed t' see such soight as me and t' missis come to t' day as we was away for t' peep inta t' Commons House an' t' Haouse o' Loords. We ha' heerd somewat doun wi' us aboat the ways o' the Polis in London, an' that they was t' be refoormed, along o' everything else, 'cordin' to t' new Parlyment, so t' paapers did say; but we had nought to say 'gin it. We ha' no call to grezzle oursel's 'bout no polis when we live at hoam, becos there's nobbut one elderly old person that answers to that naim

Sam afore, and a' doant want t' see 'um agen. A s'pose as it's statty to SIR ROBT. PEEL, I says, but we're boun' ta t' Commons House and go cross I wull." "Stop for yer life," sez another. "Doan't yer see as the arms is up-and a green light. That means, stay where thou art." So we staid, tull t' arms went all but most down an' then we wos just off agen-wen 'nother roars out, "Not sa sharp-t' red loight's on'y half way up." "What o' thot," sez I. "Why that thou must stop were 't art, ef you doant want to be locked up." So we stopped, till t' arms begun to move o' our side, an' then I tuk hard hold o' missis and made a run for 't. "Come back," roars the peepul." "What for?" sez I. "'Cos there's one arm oop and t' other down, and one green an' one red loight.' "What then?" I sez, from the midst o' t' road. "Why ta means that thou'lt be tooken in custody, whether thou triest to go 'cross a whether thou stop were t' art." "Then," I says, "Danged if 't matters which," and I made a roosh for t' other soide-and two polis snatches hold o' me an' begins for to drag me off. "Keep t' hands off o' em, Joe," screams missis,

wi' us, and we care nought 'bout him whilst he keeps himsen to 'msen. We had heerd how 'twere much t' same in London of late, and that folk was minded to tak' care o' their own houses, an' just hold their honds ready for to gi' onybody a swoipe that com' a-interferun wi' un; but we worn't ready for to see wot t' koind C'missioners has been doin' wi' the poor feeble chaps, so as t' keep 'em out 'o danger. Them there's wonderfool playthengs, them "Sam afores" sure-ly; but theire a bit mischeevious a' doabt, as me an' missis knows but too well; an' t' ould lass aint ben t' same sence day 'fore yest'day, when we was stannin' at a main junction o' streets, an' waitin' for the peepul an' t' cooaches to go by, so 's we might roon t' t'other side. We was one foot off o' the pave, when a mon as stood near by hollers out, "Hold hard," sez he; "doan't yee see t' Sam afore?" "I doant care," I says, "whether Sam be afore or b'hind, but go 'cross I wull," an' begins to drag missis arter me, when 'nether feller says, "You'll be smashed sure-ly," sez he, "for now t' pollis is a signaloilizing for t' stop all t' traffick boath horse an' foot. Look at t' Sam afore." Wi' thot he pinted at a great big thing, as loike as one bean to 'nother to the things as I've seen on t' railway line, with arms like a apperition starked out o' either side, and great lamps as goggles at you, red an' green. "Wot's that?" says I. "Why, t' new Sam afore," sez som' un. "Well," says I, "burn my picture if I seed much o'

"an' go quiet, or else there's no knowin' what mayn't come on 't, for them polis all hangs thegither an' might swear 't you was bloodthirsty." She 'd read t' papers, Missis had-an' knew the ways o' t' London polis coorts, an' so I held my hands off o' the pair ov 'em. When they seen this, I can't say at they did 's much for me, for they poonched, an' kicked me all t' way to t' station, so that ma blood biled to throttle 'em-an' I says, "What charge is there ta bring 'gainst me." And they says, "Magistraat wull tell you in th' mornin' what's t' charge," and so he did-and he said as I were to be fined a pound for obstructin' o' the polis in th' axacution o' ther dooty; and when I said, "No such a thing"- -as it was all along o' that ther Sam aforehe says, "We doan't allow such language here; and when rooffians like thee," he says, "molest the polis in ther innercent amusements, thee must be made to larn as t' law was made a porpos to proteck the polis." An' so I paid t' fine, and t' Commons House may be at t'. bottom o' t' sea 'fore I go there agen.-Yours obedient,

JOSH. COGGLE.

OUT in the Cold. Those who predicted skating at Christmas. "UNION IS STRENGTH."-True, but what would become of our manufacturers without a division-of labour?