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EPIGRAM. From the FRENCH *.
HO can believe with common sense, ,
A bacon-slice gives God offence ;
Or, how a herring hath a charm
Almighty vengeance to disarm ?
Wrapt up in Majesty divine,
Does he regard on what we dine?
On a CURATE'S Complaint of HARD Du'ry.
MARCH'D three miles through scorching fand,
I rode four more to Great St. Mary,
Using four legs, when two were weary:
To three fair virgins I did tie men,
In the close bands of pleasing Hymen :
I dipp'd two babes in holy water,
And purify'd their mother after.
Within an hour and eke a half,
I preach'd three congregations deaf;
Where thundering out, with lungs long-winded,
I chopp'd so fast, that few there minded.
My emblem, the laborious fun,
Saw all these mighty labours done
Before one race of his was run.
All this perform’d by Robert Hewit :
What mortal else could e'er go through it!
* Written extempore by a gentleman who was reproved by some of his companions for eating eggs and bacon on a fast-day.
A True and Faithful INVENTORY of the Goods belonging to Dr. SWIFT, Vicar of LAR ACOR; Upon lending his House to the Bishop of MEATH,
till his Palace was re-built.
A Noaken, broken elbow-chair ;
A cawdle-cup, without an ear;
A batter'd, shatter'd ash bedstead;
A box of deal, without a lid;
A pair of tongs, but out of joint ;
A back-sword poker, without point;
A pot that is ciack'd across, around
With an old knotted garter bound;
An iron lock, without a key;
A wig, with hanging, quite grown grey;
A curtain worn to half a stripe ;
A pair of bellows, without pipe;
A dish which might good meat afford once ;
An Ovid, and an old Concordance ;
A bottle-bottom, wooden platter,
One is for meal, and one for water :
There likewise is a copper skillet,
Which runs as fast out as you fill it;
A candlestick, snuff dish, and save-all:
And thus his housho'd-goods you have all,
These to your Lordship, as a friend,
Till you have built, 1 friely lend :
They 'll serve your Lordship for a shift ;
Why not, as well as Ducior Swift?
CADENUS AND VANESSA*,
Writen at Windsor, 1713.
HE shepherds and the nymphs were seen
Pleading before the Cyprian Queen.
The counsel for the fair began,
Accusing the false creature man.
The brief with weighty crimes was charg'd, 3
On which the pleader much enlarg’d;
That Cupid now has lost his art,
Or blunts the point of every dart ;-
His altar now no longer smokes,
His mother's aid no youth invokes :
This tempts freethinkers to retine,
And bring in cloubt their powers divine ;
Now love is dwindled to intrigue,
And marriage grown a money-league.
Which crimes aforesaid (with ber leave)
Were (as he humbly did conceive)
Against our fovereign lady's peace,
Against the statute in that cate,
Against her dignity and crown :
Then pray’d an answer, and sat down.
The nymphs with scorn beheld their foes : When the d fendant's counsel rose, * Founded on an offer of marriage made by Miss Vanhomrigh to Dr. Swift, who was occasionally her preceptor. The lady's unhappy story is well known.
And, what no lawyer ever lack'd,
With impudence own'd all the fact;
But, what the gentlest heart would vex,
Laid all the fault on t'other sex.
That modern love is no such thing
As what those ancient poets fing;
A fire celestial, chaste, refin'd,
Conceiv'd and kindled in the mind;
Which, having found an equal Alame,
Unites, and both become the same,
In different breasts together burn,
Together both to ashes turn.
But women now feel no such fire,
And only know the gross de fire.
Their passions move in lower spheres,
Where'er caprice or folly steers..
A dog, a parrot, or an ape,
Or some worse brute in human shape,
Ingross the fancies of the fair,
The few soft moments they can spare,.
From visits to receive and pay ;
From scandal, politicks, and play ;
From fans, and flounces, and brocades,..
From equipage and park-parades,
From all the thousand female toys,,
From every trifle that employs
The out or inside of their heads,
Between their toilets and their beds.
In a dull stream, which moving flow,
You hardly see the current flow;
If a fmall breeze obstruct the course,
It whirls about, for want of force,
And in its narrow circle gathers
Nothing but chaff, and straws, and feathers.
The current of a female mind
Stops thus, and turns with every wind;
Thus whirling round together draws
Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws.
Hence we conclude, no womens hearts
Are won by virtue, wit, and parts :
Nor are the men of sense to blame,
For breasts incapable of flame;
The fault must on the nymphs be plac’d,
Grown so corrupted in their taste.
The pleader, having spoke his best,
Had witness ready to attest,
Who fairly could on oath depose,
When questions on the fact arose,
That every article was true ;
Nor further those deponents knew :
Therefore he humbly would infist,
The bill might be with costs dismiss’d.
The cause appear'd of so much weight,
That Venus, from her judgement-seat,,
Desir'd them not to talk so loud,
Else she must interpofe a cloud:
For, if the heavenly folk should know.
These pleadings in the courts below,
That mortals here disdain to love,
She ne'er could shew her face above ;;