· Fail. A bare clinch will serve the turn; a carwichet, a quarter-quibble, or a pun.

*

Burr. Wit from a Low-Country soldier! One, that has conversed with none but dull Dutchmen these ten years! What an unreasonable rogue art thou? why, I tell thee, 'tis as difficult to me, as to pay him ready money.

Fail. Come, you shall be ruled for your own good; I'll throw the clothes over you to help meditation. And, upon the first opportunity, start you up and surprise him with a jest.

Burr. Well, I think this impossible to be done: but, however, I'll attempt.

[Lies down, FAILER covers him.

Fail. Husht! he's coming up.

Enter BIBBER.

Bib. 'Morrow, Mr. Failer: What, I warrant you think I come a dunning now?

Fail. No, I vow to gad, Will; I have a better opinion of thy wit, than to think thou wouldst come to so little purpose.

Bib. Pretty well that: No, no, my business is to drink my morning's draught in sack with you. Fail. Will not ale serve thy turn, Will?

Bib. I had too much of that last night; I was a little disguised, as they say.

Fail. Why disguised? Hadst thou put on a clean band, or washed thy face lately? Those are thy disguises, Bibber.

Bib. Well, in short, I was drunk; damnably drunk with ale; great hogan-mogan bloody ale:

[This word is not a common one, and appears neither in the ordinary English Dictionaries nor in Mr. Skeat's "Etymological Dictionary." Conjectural derivations suggest themselves in plenty, but they are out of fashion.-ED.]

I was porterly drunk, and that I hate of all things in nature.

Burr [rising]. And of all things in nature I love it best.

Bib. Art thou there, i'faith? and why, old boy? Burr. Because, when I am porterly drunk, I can carry myself.

Bib. Ha, ha, boy.

Fail. This porter brings sad news to you, Will; you must trust him for a suit of clothes, as bad as 'tis Come, he's an honest fellow, and loves the king.

Bib. Why, it shall be my suit to him, that I may trust him.

Burr. I grant your suit, sir.

Fail. Burr, make haste and dress you; Sir Timorous dines here to-day: you know him? Burr. Ay, ay, a good honest young fellow; but no conjuror; he and I are very kind.

Fail. Egad, we two have a constant revenue out of him: He would now be admitted suitor to my Lady Constance Nonsuch, my Lord Nonsuch's daughter; our neighbour here in Fleet-street.

Burr. Is the match in any forwardness?

Fail. He never saw her before yesterday, and will not be brought to speak to her this month yet.

Burr. That's strange.

Fail. Such a bashful knight did I never see; but we must move for him.

Bib. They say, here's a great dinner to be made to-day here, at your cousin Trice's, on purpose for the interview.

Burr. What, he keeps up his old humour still? Fail. Yes, certain; he admires cating and drinking well, as much as ever, and measures every man's wit by the goodness of his palate.

Burr. Who dines here besides ?

Fail. Jack Loveby.

Bib. O, my guest.

Burr. He has ever had the repute of a brave clear-spirited fellow.

Fail. He's one of your Dear Hearts, a debauchee.

.

Burr. I love him the better for 't: The best heraldry of a gentleman is a clap, derived to him from three generations. What fortune has he? Fail. Good fortune at all games; but no estate: He had one; but he has made a devil on't long ago. He's a bold fellow, I vow to gad: A person, that keeps company with his betters; and commonly has gold in 's pockets. Come, Bibber, I see thou longest to be at thy morning's watering: I'll try what credit I have with the butler.

Bib. Come away, my noble Festus and new

customer.

Fail. Now will he drink, till his face be no bigger than a threepence. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.

Enter LOVEBY and Boy; followed by FRANCES, BIBBER'S wife.

Lov. Nay, the devil take thee, sweet landlady, hold thy tongue: Was 't not enough thou hast scolded me from my lodging, which, as long as I rent it, is my castle; but to follow me here to Mr. Trice's, where I am invited; and to discredit me before strangers, for a lousy, paltry sum of money?

Fran. I tell you truly, Mr. Loveby, my husband and I cannot live by love, as they say;

we must have wherewithal, as they say; and pay for what we take; or some shall smoke for 't.

Lov. Smoke! why a piece of hung beef in Holland is not more smoked, than thou hast smoked me already. Thou knowest I am now fasting; let me have but fair play; when I have lined my sides with a good dinner, I'll engage upon reputation to come home again, and thou shalt scold at me all the afternoon.

Fran. I'll take the law on you.

Lov. The law allows none to scold in their own causes: What dost thou think the lawyers take our money for?

Fran. I hope you intend to deal by my husband like a gentleman, as they say?

Lov. Then I should beat him most unmercifully, and not pay him neither.

Fran. Come, you think to fob me off with your jests, as you do my husband; but it won't be: yonder he comes, and company with him. Husband, husband! why, William, I say!

Enter BIBBER, BURR, and FAILER, at the other end.

Lov. Speak softly, and I will satisfy thee.

Fran. You shall not satisfy me, sir; pay me for what you owe me, for chamber-rent and diet, and many a good thing besides, that shall be nameless.

Lov. What a stygian woman's this, to talk thus? Hold thy tongue 'till they be gone, or I'll cuckold thy husband..

Fran. You cuckold him-would you durst cuckold him! I will not hold my tongue, sir. Bib. Yonder's my guest; what say you, gentlemen? Shall I call him to go down with us?

Lov. I must make a loose from her, there's no other way. Save ye, Mr. Failer; is your cousin

Trice stirring yet? Answer me quickly, sir, is your cousin Trice yet stirring?

Fail. I'll go and see, sir. Sure the man has a mind to beat me; but I vow to gad I have no mind to be beaten by him. Come away, Burr. Will, you'll follow us.

Bib. I'll be with you immediately.

[Exeunt BURR and FAILER. Lov. Who was that with Failer, Will? Bib. A man at arms, that's come from Holland. Lov. A man out at arms thou mean'st, Will. Bib. Good, i' faith.

Fran. Ay, ay; you run questing up and down after your gambols, and your jests, William; and never mind the main chance, as they say: Pray get in your debts, and think upon your wife and children.

Lov. Think upon the sack at Carey-house, with the apricot flavour, Will. Hang a wife; what is she, but a lawful kind of manslayer Every little hug in bed is a degree of murdering thee and for thy children, fear 'em not: thy part of 'em shall be tailors, and they shall trust; and those, thy customers get for thee, shall be gentlemen, and they shall be trusted by their brethren; and so thy children shall live by one another.

Bib. Did you mark that, Frances? There was wit now he call'd me cuckold to my face, and yet for my heart I cannot be angry with him. I perceive you love Frances, sir; and I love her the better for your sake; speak truly, do you not like such a pretty brown kind of woman?

Lov. I do i'faith, Will; your fair women have no substance in 'em, they shrink in the wetting.

Fran. Well, you may be undone if you will,