Stammering Barber :-" W-H-A-T-T-T A V-E-R-R-R-Y THICK HE-A-D-D-D-(a long spluttering pause)-OF HAIR YOU'VE COT, SIR!" [Relief of Client. No. 74.-HENRY, FIRST BARON OF BROUGHAM AND VAUX. THE NESTOR of English statesmen was the son of HENRY BROUGHAM, of Scales Hall-a fitting heritage for one fated to adjust the balance of justice in so many instances. He first saw the light in St. Andrew's-square, Edinburgh, in 1779, and was educated first in the High School, and subsequently in the University of the same city, Modern Athens may well be proud of one whom ancient Athens would not have been ashamed of. So early as 1798 he distinguished himself by contributions to the "light" literature of the Royal Society. His tastes led him to adopt the Bar as a profession, and after a long tour on the continent, he was admitted as an Advocate in Scotland at the commencement of the 19th century, of which he is one of the chief ornaments. He continued to reside in Auld Reekie, and contributed to its Review until 1804, when he came to London and entered at Lincoln's Inn. In 1808 he was called to the Bar, and by his eloquent exposition of the grievances of the London, Liverpool, and Manchester merchants under the famous Orders in Council, obtained such distinction as led to his becoming M.P. for Camelford in 1809. He made his maiden speech the next spring. From that time until the present day he has laboured unceasingly-and, what is better, successfully-to benefit his fellows and advance the progress of the world. His labours in the House on behalf of the abolition of flogging, the repeal of Catholic disabilities, the reform of Indian Government, the spread of education, the amelioration of prisons, the abolition of slavery, the improvement of the law, and the liberty of the press, are matters of history. It seems almost impossible to believe that the English nation would have allowed such a man as this to be persecuted by the senseless abuse of reputed wits; but such was the case! He sat in the House for Camelford till 1812, when he retired from Parliament until 1816, when he was again returned as M.P. for Win chelsen. In 1880 he exchanged that borough for Knaresborough. During this time his endeavours for reform and the repeal of excessive taxes were unceasing. In the autumn of the same year he was elected for the county of York. In 1820 and the ensuing year he was the advocate and adviser of QUEEN CAROLINE, whose cause was carried against that of GEORGE IV., rather by his eloquence than by its own spotless merits. He was at that time Attorney-General. In 1830 he made his great step, being appointed Chancellor in the Ministry of EARL GREY, and raised to the peerage as LORD BROUGHAM and VAUX. In 1834, when SIR ROBERT PEEL assumed the reins of power, LORD BROUGHAM went out with his colleagues. Although they returned to office in the succeeding spring, he was not reinstated on the woolsack. From that period he has held an independent place in the Upper House, devoting himself chiefly to the improvement of the law. In 1848 he desired, on the strength of the estates he had purchased at Cannes, to be made a French citizen, but the then republic would only accept the honour on conditions which he could not accede to. He has since been made a naturalized French subject. In 1852, when most men would have been thinking of resigning some of his spheres of labour, this indefatigable lord resumed the scientific pursuits of his youth, and the "light" literature of the Royal Society. The biography of a man of such versatile and extensive talents and pursuits, must necessarily be a mere outline in such space as we can allot to it. Suffice it to say that at no time has any measure of real good for the working classes looked for his aid in vain. It has been the privilege of few to be so widely useful in such a variety of ways. You can hardly mention an instance in which Parliament-or Society has made a stride towards reform, progress, and enlightenment, without having to record also that to HENRY, LORD BROUGHAM and VAUX was much of that advance owing. A grey head covered with honour and the blessings of the people, a title earned by honest and unceasing labour in the cause of mankind, a list of great deeds that have gilded a lifetime of more than ordinary length such are a few of the things which the historian of LORD BROUGHAM has to set down. And it was this great and good man, this benefactor of his species, whom a shallow and ungrateful public allowed itself to be taught to associate with no higher characteristics than a large nose and Scotch plaid trowsers; whom reputed wits stabbed with besmirched goose-quills, and gross caricaturists drew down to their own level. Such is fame, and such is the gratitude of a people! THE REAL TRIAL BY JURY. CALLED away from avocations, No day's pay for that day's working, A SONG OF HOME. FOUNDED ON RECENT EVENTS IN THE ETERNAL CITY. INTRODUCTION. THAT "no friendship exists between two of a trade," HOME was tired of Old England, his spirit was faint, HOME! HOME! poor foolish HOME! In the proud papal city there's no place for HOME! The models of beauty soon answered his call, HOME! HOME! poor foolish HOME! Ere long you'll repent having settled in Rome. HOME! HOME! poor foolish HOME! SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF THE QUEEN'S ENGLISH. FUN can stand a good deal-as was proved by what he stood his contributors during the festive season just passed-but he really must protest against the style in which the remarks of H.R.H. the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, on the CRAWLEY Court-Martial, are written. The task of drawing up these remarks, which form a sort of official report on the trial, was entrusted to H.R.H.'s Military Secretary, and the public were justified in expecting to hear a better report from such a big gun as the Military Secretary must be. But the report is a composition FUN would be ashamed to offer even his creditors, were he in embarrassed circumstances, which he never was and never means to be. He is too free and easy to be embarrassed. In the second paragraph of the precious effusion to which FUN has directed the attention of the universe, the Military Secretary says:"The Judge Advocate-General has submitted to HER MAJESTY to confirm and approve the proceedings." Submitted to HER MAJESTY! Was he previously in rebellion against that gracious lady, and has he now lowered the standard of revolt merely "to confirm and approve the proceedings "-i.e., " in order that he may confirm and approve" them? Did FUN not know that this implied charge of treason arises from the ungrammatical blundering of the Military Secretary, and not from any offence committed by the Judge Advocate-General, he would instantly vote for the impeachment of that dignitary. Further on, the Military Secretary informs us that-"The general tone and temper evinced by a portion of the officers of the InnisIs they? They certainly strikes FUN as not much more deplorable than the illiterary style of the Military Secretary. Two magicians can't dwell near ST. PETER's proud dome. killing Dragoons is most deplorable!" Not long did they let him raise spirits in peace, In vain did the medium with energy plead, All aid from his spiritual troopers being vain, HOME! HOME! poor foolish HOME! You were told that you must not raise spirits in Rome. The Consul protested; his Holiness vowed A MORAL WITH A VENGEANCE. Ghost-raisers and mediums, attend to my song, His Holiness sanctions no rivals in Rome. THE POPE IN A PET. HIS HOLINESS gave a very angry reception to the fifty French soldiers when they came to him, according to the annual custom of those sons of Gaul who, being in Rome, do as the Romans do, for blessings and medals. He asked them if they wanted to kill all the Papal soldiers, and leave him a king without guards. It is a pity for his own sake his remarks were not more guarded. If the French took to cutting, like his speeches, he would have to follow their example and cut too. If the POPE does not take care he will get into a hole-iness altogether! LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.--We observe that the Social Science Review advertises a series of papers on the "Diseases of Overworked Men." We have no doubt it will, in consequence, obtain a large circulation in Government offices. We next learn that-" The sad and painful lesson experienced by all will, it is hoped, not be forgotten by those who escape censure." Perhaps if the Military Secretary would condescend to "experience" a few lessons in English, he might, for the future, avoid slipshod phraseology of this sort, and also such grievous redundancy as characterizes the subjoined proposition:-"H.R.H. having had a personal and intimate knowledge of what the Inniskilling Dragoons were in former days, is most painfully impressed," etc. Why "having had ?" Has H.R.H. lost his "personal and intimate knowledge," that he is described as "having had" it? H.R.H.'s physician, if writing a bulletin, might, it is true, say with perfect correctness: "H.R.H. having had a cold, from which he has now recovered, is most vividly impressed with the advantage of health," but in this case the cold would be something H.R.H. no longer had. The Military Secretary should have written, "H.R.H. having a personal and," &c. In another paragraph the Military Secretary expresses himself thus : "Without discipline an army is worse than useless, and, under all circumstances, it must, therefore, be maintained." What? The army? If that is the meaning of the Military Secretary, FUN agrees with him, but feels bound to add that the necessity for maintaining the army and navy is a stern fact so painfully impressed upon the public by certain very heavy taxes, that the statement of it was merely the superfluous enumeration of a truism. If, however, the Military Secretary intended to say that discipline must be maintained, he has failed wretchedly to do as he intended. The Military Secretary is probably an officer. This may explain his partiality for a mess, even in his writings. Or, perhaps, his inaccuracies were occasioned by the late murky weather. At any rate he was in a fog when he penned the document under-and beneath-consideration. However this may be, FUN would advise him to adopt the suggestion already volunteered, and " experience' a few lessons in English style. Meanwhile FUN would be happy to dash off, in his leisure hours, any number of reports H.R.H. might require, and guarantee that they should not expose their writer to the grave imputation of using bad language. "Out of de way, ole DAN TUCKER!"-Amusing Song. It is with feelings of the deepest regret that the Comic Physiognomist feels it to be his duty to communicate to his readers the fact that a fearful blow is in store for them. It is hanging over their heads-suspended, like the sword of DAMOCLES, by a single hair, which the Right. Hon. the Lord Mayor may at any moment take it into his head to sever. Not to keep his readers any longer on the tenter-hooks of suspense, he will at once inform them that this Work has led to such extraordinary, such inconvenient results in the city of London, that it is impossible to hope that it can be permitted to continue much longer. The Comic Physiognomist is a gentleman of a singularly modest and retiring disposition; indeed it has been said that in his moral characteristics he strongly resembles the violet; so his world will not be surprised to hear that when he proposed, in the buoyant exuberance of his overflowing spirits, to turn all his readers into Comic Physiognomists, he little imagined that the words he penned in jest would come to be verified in downright earnest. Yet so it is; there are now five hundred and fifty thousand Comic Physiognomists in the City of London alone! It is a pleasing trait in the C. P.'s mind that although at the commencement of this treatise he stood alone in his particular branch of science, and now, as it approaches its termination, he is but one of many millions, yet no particle of jealousy has found its way into his calm soul. In spite of the consequent diminution of personal importance, the C. P. cannot help dearly loving every one of his disciples, for he feels that he and they are together bound by an indissoluble link, the link-or rather torch-of science to which allusion was made in an early chapter. But while he boils over (so to speak) with gushing love for the millions who have worshipped at his poor feet, he cannot disguise from himself the fact that, socially speaking, they are becoming a nuisance. Carried away by that enthusiasm which should ever animate the devotee of science, they are led to commit acts which, if not in themselves breaches of the peace, are extremely likely to result in such breaches. Enthusiasm in such a cause is, in the eye of the philosopher, beyond all praise, but it is not likely to be properly appreciated by a British jury. The illustration which accompanies this chapter will sufficiently explain our meaning. Owing to a certain irregularity in its form, it is not well adapted for framing, but if, in the eyes of any of our readers, the irregularity in question does not appear to be an objection, we may inform them that the name of the work is, "Fleet-street on a Slack Wednesday Morning." At the top is the Shrine of FUN, the shutters of which have just been taken down, and hundreds of devotees, who have been waiting for hours, are hurrying in to worship at the feet of its High Priest, who may be observed standing in an attitude of pious astonishment at the fervour of his congregation. On the right of the crowd are two energetic members of the executive who have been specially retained to keep order. Though by nature men of a sanguine and dauntless disposition, who have erased the word "impossible" from their dictionaries, who know the meaning of the danger only by common report, yet they feel themselves to be utterly helpless against the excited crowd of Comic Physiognomists. On the left may be observed thousands, who, being unable to obtain admission, feel compelled to content themselves with that description of practical study which is likely to produce the unsatisfactory results we have hinted at. We fear that our task will soon be ended. This abnormal state of things cannot be permitted to go on much longer, and the Lord Mayor will walk into our office one fine day, at the head of all the city constabulary, and demand the instant suppression of these papers. We feel it to be our duty not to allow our readers to suffer so severe a blow without in some degree preparing them for it. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E. C.-Jan. 30, 1864. THE LIE OF A LIFETIME or, Short was the space before those words bore fruits, By drunken orgies; goaded into rage, So through the day, till night in mercy spread On faces flush'd; on each man's glitt'ring share: Oh man! oh monster! most accursed thing! The stain, the curse of this will ever cling Around thy memory; till the dank, cold gloom Of stern oblivion settles o'er thy tomb. RANDOM READINGS OF TRAITOROUS TRAITS, PAST PASSAGES AND Nor ceas'd the horror here; to trample law PRESENT PROSPECTS, OF THE MODERN AUGUSTUS. A SERIOUS SERIAL IN SEVERAL SECTIONS. SECTION THE FOURTH. The Coup d'état and the Crime. SILENT, sombre, and secluded, plotting crimes of deepest dye, It inform'd the free French people-(who scarce believed the threat) With heart as dark as Erebus, and brow as black as Nox, Hour after hour his aide-de-camp brought news each time more dread Of barricades grown stronger, of resistance making head. At length when one o'clock arrived, with fix'd and stony stare Beneath his heel; and prostrate France with awe; Most vile; more strange than Fiction; but a fact: QUERIES AND ANSWERS. A CORRESPONDENT from Central Africa writes to ask if DR. CUMMING is not the author of "The Perfect Cure," and who is supposed to be the original of that exquisite lyric? [No; it was written by CARDINAL WISEMAN when confined at Ham, on account of his heretical speech before the Council of Trent, A.D. 1450. The original subject of it was his well-known rival and enemy CARDINAL RICHELIEU. This fact was satisfactorily ascertained by T. P. COOKE Esq., while prosecuting his researches among the Archives of Simancas into the origin of the Sailors' Hornpipe.] IN the middle of Fleet-street, about ten yards from St. Dunstan's Church, many of your readers may have remarked a peculiar flat stone, rather larger than the rest of the stones used for paving that wellknown and highly-interesting locality. Can any of them inform me the reason of its size, and also the name of the pavior by whom it was there placed? [There is an archæological legend attached to it, which is preserved among the records of the City, as one of the most sacred mysteries of the Corporation. Not having seen the record in question, we are unable to relate it with certainty. The name of the pavior, however, we do know. It was the not altogether uncommon one of SMITH; and tradition says he resided at No. 14, Fox-court, Gray's-inn-lane, where he was justly celebrated for his eccentricity, being in the habit of washing his face every day-an almost unheard of proceeding in that locality. He was, however, not an ancestor to the present LORD LYVEDEN, but belonged to another and older branch of that extensive family.] I AM about to write a history of the lives of the eminent Beadles of Britain; can any of your correspondents inform me where I may obtain a correct list of those of Little Pedlington, as without that my work will, I feel, be incomplete.-SMILES. [The only place where such a list is likely to be procured is at-but on consideration, the information is too valuable to be published, so must decline telling you.ED. of FUN.] THE PIANO MOVEMENT.-A friend of ours says, with respect to the manufacture of pianos, that where mahoganies, rosewoods, and walnuts used to be in vogue, the makers now consider that nothing goes down like hoax. First Farmer (with admiration):-"THERE, JOHN, AIN'T HE A BOOTY? I'M A GOIN' TO HAVE HIM PAINTED." Second Ditto:-"ARE YOU? WHAT COLOUR DO YOU THINK OF HAVIN' HIM DONE?' THE NEW DANCE. "A NEW dance has sprung up in Paris called the Radenovitch."-Court Journal. All must dance the Radenovitch! You can dance the Radenovitch, If for glory you've an itch, Learn to dance the Radenovitch; And, though corns may burn and twitch, In your side though you've a stitch, All along o' the Radenovitch; DR. COLENSO'S TRUE "DENOMINATION."-" An Independent." THE BARRIER WHICH KEEPS LORD DERBY OUT OF OFFICE.-A TEMPLE Bar! THE "HOLLOW" OF THE HAND.-False "Friends!" |