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Major Bull :-"BOYS! WHICHEVER WAY WE LOOK, WAR-CLOUDS ARE RISING. LET'S KEEP

OUR POWDER DRY, AND WHO'S AFRAID?"

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In Parliament his lordship is a Liberal, but also a general supporter of LORD PALMERSTON-which means something more extravagant than Liberalism. He is, however, a supporter of the ballot, extension of the franchise, anti-sectarian state education, and a national poor-rate. He has not distinguished himself by the introduction of any measure which could gain him the name of Bill-BURY-nor has he by strenuous advocacy of a close-shaving economy earned the appellation of RaspBURY. His views are not vague and visionary enough to nickname him Cloud-BURY, and yet too advanced to stamp him a Sloe-BURY. His lordship has been a contributor of political and other papers to the magazines; but his pen is not a great feather in his cap. He is also known as an amateur artist, but his sketches reveal less of the artist than the amateur, and he would do well, perhaps, to confine himself to drawings on his bankers.

Of the volunteer movement the gallant viscount has been a most active and energetic promoter and supporter. Indeed, it was proposed by a very enthusiastic corps (e) that the service should be called the BURY-al service. His lordship is a good shot, and a capital officer -being Lieutenant-Colonel of the Civil Service Rifles. Of course, the member for Wick can be luminous on the subject of light infantry drill, and lead on his men like JULIUS CAESAR as soon as their "Ide(a)s of March are come" to perfection.

AT THE PLAY.

Nothwithstanding a general disbelief in such things at the present day, I am in a position to testify as a nigh witness that the awful apparition of an apple-woman startled a few evenings ago the occupants of the stalls at Sadler's Wells. It was seen to glide steadily along the whole length of the row, ultimately vanishing like the spectres recorded by old AUBREY, with a "strange odour and a melodious twang," which resembled the sudden snapping of the strings of a ginger-beer bottle. The Ghost Club must look to this, for it is quite impossible to believe, under the refined management of MISS MARRIOTT, and during the performance of the legitimate, such an appalling visitant could belong to this world.

THE ODD MAN.

"FUN" AT A PREMIUM.-HOORAY!

(A FACT.)

THE SERFS OF CASTLE HEDINGHAM.

We have often heard of old clothes-men, of the Hebrew persuasion, and other dealers in left-off articles, recommending second-hand wares as being "better ash new," but we certainly never expected to find our own journal coming within the category of things more valuable at second-hand than when spick-and-span new. In fact, periodical literature deteriorates in value with age, more rapidly perhaps than any known commodity, unless it be unmarried ladies over thirty. Yesterday's Times is worth its weight in the butterman's scales as waste-paper, no more. The reader may then judge of our feelings on ERR HERMAN, for whose tauto- receiving a letter signed "A Chemist and Druggist," and bearing the logical appellation his place of birth Banbury postmark, which letter informed us that at a recent sale by and progenitors must be held re- auction of the reversionary interest in the journals withdrawn from sponsible, might be considered of the Mechanics Institution reading-room of that town, the sum given supernatural origin did we not re- for a week-old FUN was even higher than its original published price. member the poet's assurance that To come to figures, an admirer of ours, in this land of (Banbury) "Two Herr is human." As a nim- cakes, has given for the next six months' numbers of FUN (each ble-fingered practiser of a dexterous number to be supplied one week after publication), the sum of twofeat with his dexter hand, the Pres-and-threepence. He could, of course, get the journal hot from the tidigi-one minute allowed for repress at a less price from the local agent. But shall we blame him? freshment-tator who is now as- No! He is willing to give for us, at second-hand, a higher price than tounding audiences at the Princess's we set upon ourselves in all our brilliant newness. But what we are surpasses all who have hitherto really worth, no BABBAGE, even when undisturbed by organ-grinders, tried to make the eyes the fools of could ever calculate. the other senses. The veriest spendthrift that ever got through a fortune in a fortnight could not be more expeditions in disposing of everything he has received in the shortest YE wives of Castle Hedingham, ye matrons, and ye maids, possible space of time, nor be more Who follow in such thorough style the wizard finder's trades; perplexed than the spectators to Your shud'ring country women all in tones of loathing say, explain how it has been got rid of."The fiends of Castle Hedingham, how horrible are they!" Unlike other wizards who practically Just like the savage feminines who own DAHOMEY's rule, illustrate the theory that "distance They show the wild cat fierceness of the CHARLOTTE CORDAY school; lends enchantment to the view," With hearts that scorn the softness that should female impulse sway, HERRMAN comes close to the vigilant The fiends of Castle Hedingham, how horrible are they! watchers of his movements, and, with cuffs stretched back and empty Ye men of Castle Hedingham, and ye that represent (?) hand outstretched, literally bares the The stain on England's franchise list in British Parliament; palm. Whence hoduces those What say you, MAJOR BERESFORD, of this most Tory trait, brimming globes of gold fish which he takes from under a handker- The serfs of Castle Hedingham, how ignorant are they ! chief in the very centro ci a crowd who have had free permission to Saint Stephen's could well spare you, and you'd be for once of use, put his costume through a strict competitive examination, must be If leaving Tory platitudes, you'd study to produce left to those explorers who have leisure to spend a life-time in solving A landlord who, Conservative, could yet unblushing say, a mystery. The source of the water in that crystal vase is as worthy "The tenantry of Hedingham, how well informed are they!" to stimulate the curiosity of mankind as the source of the Nile. Each watch that he borrows from the company goes in a way the owner could never have expected, and suggests by its unseen movement a new escape-ment. In short, on the omne ignotum principle of the old Latin proverb, if all that is unknown is magnificent, the entertainment of HERR HERRMAN is the most splendid affair that has yet been seen. The hat trick, where the conjuror fills a common chapeau with coins clutched from airy vacancy, is done quite in theatrical style, and the person who lends the hat must feel-to paraphrase a Dundreary sentiment-that such a mode of money-making would suffice to any chap

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The new American actress, Miss BATEMAN, who has appeared at the Adelphi, is fairly entitled to adopt as her motto, "I am all Leah." The American version of the dull German play, which even RISTORI could not make endurable at Her Majesty's last summer, is much more presentable under that title than the original. No tragic actress could ever make a five-act piece called Deborah acceptable to a playgoing public who show a particular, fancy for particular names. The vision must be satisfied as well the auricular organs, and MISS BATEMAN'S Leah thus will justify the manager producing it with a strong cast in his eye.

THE ORGAN FIENDS.

A DREADFUL accident happened a few days since in West Birmingham to a MR. SWANN, whose pony took fright at the discordant shrieks and growls of an itinerant Italian with that infernal machine called an grinned, shouldered his instrument, and made off. organ. Of course, when the miscreant saw the mischief, he simply How long will common-sense have to wage war against these unclean, noisy wretches, protected as they are by the idiocy of a class of people who think any sound is harmony, and whose ears for music are positively asinine in extent and refinement? FUN will really have to frame an act himself, and carry it through Parliament, if nobody will save him the trouble.

WEATHER-WISE AND WISE WEATHER.-ADMIRAL FITZROY has returned to his offices at the Board of Trade. It is confidently affirmed that the late gales blew up tremendously on hearing he was not there.

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[WE have much pleasure in quoting—a little in anticipation-from an article entitled "A Few Facts about Fuel," from the Quarterly Review, which is to appear in the year 2063.-ED. FUN.]

"By that triumph of modern science, the Memoria Polytechnica, patented by SIR PETER PEPPER (who is descended from a professor of the same name, who was the inventor of some curious spectral illusions in the nineteenth century), we are enabled by merely shaking a little of the dust of ages into the crucible before the magnetic mirror of this delicate apparatus, to raise a picture of the history of the past. Any of our readers, who like to follow our experiments with this apparatus, in connexion with these remarks on fuel, may communicate by their private telegraphs with our office. As our numbers-price one penny-are published every quarter of an hour, and printed by the electric press, we shall be enabled to answer any questions promptly.

"It is very curious to look back to a meeting held at Newcastle in 1863 by an extinct society, calling itself the Brit. Ass., where a speech touched on a fossil, not known now except in museums, a black igniferous formation, spoken of by contemporary writers as coal. This speech was made by one SIR WILLIAM ARMSTRONG, the inventor, in the days before gunpowder was exploded, of a species of cannon, some specimens of which, by the way, may be seen doing duty as posts in Rotten Row, the promenade where Fashion stretches its legs after a gallop round the metropolis in its aerial machine. SIR WILLIAM ARMSTRONG is reported-but reporting before the invention of the vaporo-atmospheric-rapid-writing-engine was very imperfect-to have declared his belief that, somewhere about the time in which we live, coal would fail. This, as we know, has proved to be the fact, but the absurd part of the speech is that the orator seemed to be under an impression that we should be in a dreadful state for the want of it. How utterly groundless his alarm was is known in these days by everyone who has eyes to see. With the new modification of the plan of aerial calorification, which has been in use for the last hundred years, the largest buildings can be warmed by five minutes' turning of the friction handle. What our large buildings are compared with our ancestors', may be learned by comparing our Olympic Theatreby no means our finest Thespian dome-with the ruins of the Tabernacle, assigned by tradition to the worship of SPURGEON, the Cloacina of the nineteenth century. It was the fashion in that age to speak of well-known facts as being what every school-boy knew.' As the educational plasters invented by the DUKE OF PAUL BEDFORD have long done away with any necessity for such establishments as schools, we may parody the phrase by saying, 'any man who has applied the plaster to the back of his neck for two seconds' is aware that in fuel, as in everything else, we have entirely overthrown the practice of our ancestors.

"Mentioned by this abbreviation in the notes to COLENSO's 'Pentateuch Remodelled.' We have been unable to make out the full title."

"The fact, that air contains all the necessaries for locomotion, food, light, and fire, seems never to have struck the people of the past. Indeed, the invention of a machine to convey them through the air to a given point-a clumsy enough machine, too-was a late discovery, and one which COXWELL, the first adventurer in that path, did not live to see completed, although he survived the ancient PALMERSTON by half a century.

"We have discovered-as is well known to our readers-that air, being the chief requisite for man in all ages, contains all that is necessary for him. By the simplest mechanical contrivances erected at the doorways of our homes, we are enabled to separate the component parts of the atmosphere, and convey those requisite for heat to our stoves, those meet for food to our larders, those necessary for locomotion to the stables, to be condensed and placed in our aerial

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"The thought of such alterations as these on the surface of the planet is enough to make the Brit. Ass. turn in its grave, although, for that matter, the grave doubtless no longer exists. It must be remembered that early in this century the whole crust of the earth was removed, in order to improve and level its surface for the grand universal atmospheric junction line to everywhere under the sun. The earth, so removed, was, it will be remembered, carted off to the moon, per aerial PICKFORD. It is more than likely the remains of the Brit. Ass. were then dispersed."

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THE LAY OF A LUNATIC.* "AURORA FLOYD" in fustian stalks, "Romola" has the measles,

Whilst "PEPPER'S Ghost" with PATTI walks
Round "CHARLES KEENE'S studio easels."

"The Water Babies," "Lost and Saved,"
Were found in "False Positions,"
By "Digby Grand," who straightway raved
For several editions.

"Guy Livingstone" is "Nobly False,"
"Tis said to "Cousin Stella,"

Since with "John Brown" he saw her walt Or "any other fellah."

The road to "Barren Honour" leads "A Simple Woman" straying; Whoever "Lady Audley" reads,

May verify this saying.

"Kate Coventry" is "Tried and True,"
Poor "Catherine's Marriage" baulking,
She saw
"The Dark Girl Dressed in Blue"
With A. K. H. B. walking.

"Colenso Wrong and Moses Right,"
So says the Crown-court prophet;
But hostile critics say that wight
Knows precious little of it.
"Fish Hatching," "Taken upon Trust,"
"A Tangled Skein," discovers,
And "Austin Elliot " says he must
Tell tales of "Sylvia's Lovers."
"Roba di Roma," so folks say,

"At Odds" is with "Thalatta,"
To" Live it Down" is perhaps the way
They'll take to mend the matter.

But, hark! I hear FORBES WINSLOW calls!
The Hanwell cock is crowing,
And on my maniac vision falls-
I come, that is, I'm going.

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ATTEMPTED MURDER.-A young man who had been jilted by MISS met her in the street two days ago, and deliberately cut SUSAN her in two places, once opposite the post-office, and the second time near the church. The young lady has fortunately recovered the blow. The ruffian boasts of his act, and describes it as one of "justifiable Suey-side."

The mental aberration of this unhappy man was occasioned by being confined to his room for a week, with no other intellectual food than a copy of "TUPPER'S Proverbial Philosophy," and the advertisement-half of the Athenæum. As a natural consequence, he chose the lightest reading, and the above maniac strain is the result of his study.

FROM A HARASSED CONTRIBUTOR.

EAR EDITOR, I grieve to say you'll get no article to-day. I find I cannot write for FUN; ah! woe is me, I cannot pun! Not, you will understand that I admit my well of wit is dry; not that my teeming brain elects to brand my drafts with "no effects." My skull is crammed with quip and pun; it positively bursts with fun. I have neat jokes beneath my crown that would electrify the town. If all could hear what I could say, unbridled mirth would rule the day. The judge would, though he looks so big, incontinently dash his wig. The lawyer, parson, doctor, too, would burst with laughter if they knew the merry things that I could tell. The muffin boy would stop his bell; the tanner, sure, would split his hides; the chemist feels quite out of sorts from roaring at my smart retorts. The drummer, as each Wednesday comes, looks only for my con and drums; the Hebrews that in clothes shops sit, all (though reluctantly) admit that I'm the only one they know, who boasts of having Jewel 'em (oh!) The very convicts have confessed mine were the cranks they loved the best. The tailors of the writer say, that his (s)attire is recherché. Coachmakers never saw in use, such shafts as those I can produce. The army, navy, dare not enter lists with my epe pteronta.

No, Editor, I lack not stuff, but raw material's not enough, it must be worked, you understand, by a refined experienced hand. I sit me down to cut and trim, search and examine limb by limb, copy that might, so strong its tone, upheave a continental throne. But the unsympathizing fates decree that then the water-rates shall dun me for that hateful claim. Impatiently I pay the same, collector gracefully withdraws, and I resume my search for flaws in home and continental laws. Rat-tat! the district postman knocks. I find inside my letter-box a printed sheet, "Whereas," it said, "complaint this day, sir, hath been made to me, a local magistrate," a summons for a general rate. Rat-tat! the postman here again? A letter from JEMIMA JANE. The offer of my hand and heart she takes in (so she says) good part, and likes me, as she's sure I know, but authors are considered low.

A fearful single knock succeeds. One of my tailors says he needs his money, just to meet a few bills that are shortly falling due, they've only got a day to run, and so he sends a dun, ha' done! A new policeman next applies with envelope of threatening size; a summons from a hansom cabby, who says I've been behavin' shabby, and so on Wednesday I must go, at two, unto the street of Bow. A small boy next, a practised liar, "Please, sir, your chimbley's all on fire." Ha! ha! my wrath is partly fed, I punch this child upon the head! A sounding clout, and then another: what though he threaten me with his mother? I feel much better after that, and will resume. tat-tat-tat! Four knocks! a visitor, no doubt. That loafer, BROWN! "Now, BROWN, get out!"

Rat

I rather think I'm going mad. So young, so beautiful; how sad. Bring me some straw directly here, I think I'll sing the "Maniac's Tear," after the manner of MISS HUGHES, of the Olympic Theatre, who's connected with (so sweet is she) the Hugheses of Adversity. Another knock; this is too bad. Ha! ha! Ha! ha! your office lad! Copy? Ha ha! I'm mad! I bite! He scampers off, I think he's right, in fright, from sight, poor wight. Good night!

FIRE!

HALL WRIGHT.

Le feu CAPTAIN SHAW is on a visit to the DUKE OF SUTHERLAND at Dunrobin Castle. As he is not at home, we hope the fires will be out too. Perhaps if the "devouring element," as the penny-a-liner calls it, pays a visit to the metropolis, on finding CAPTAIN SHAW is not there to receive it, it will be put out. We trust that just at this time of the year, when the weather begins to cool and grates are lighted again, he will not make light of the necessity there is for his presence with his brigade. We speak in earnest, not in jest, for we know how dangerous it is to play with fire; indeed, if we exercised our enginuity at all, it would be to play upon it.

FROM OUR OWN "NATION."

"HARP of Erin, and has it come to this? Must hapless Hibernia suffer yet another wrong at the hands yet gory with the blood of millions of Ireland's bravest sons? Must another injury be piled upon her wretched head? It wanted but this, that the blood-boltered tyrants who rule over this land-already shrieking aloud in wild and piteous accents of despair-should send their Channel Fleet, manned by ruffians, steeped to the lips in every sort of hideous and horrible crime, to our beauteous shores. And now they are here! yes, here, in Dublin! It is true they come in peaceful guise, pretending, indeed, that it is as visitors they are here! But we see through and scorn the shallow subterfuge! The ruffians will invite us on board their ships! They will give us dinners! Balls! Breakfasts! If we want them, beds! But shall we go? Never! A million, billion, trillion, times, never!

"We will be calm, although our blood is welling up and boiling over at this fresh wrong. We know the real author of this outrage. We will unmask him. No longer shall he skulk behind his would-be incognito of the ministry." It is, and our readers know that we never deceive them, PALMERSTON! PALMERSTON, himself an Irishman, who has thus dared to send this gang of miscreants, fresh from the Saxon shore where universally they have been repulsed and treated with the ignominy they deserve, to this our Emerald Isle! Had it come from the reckless RUSSELL or the impious GLADSTONE, it would have been bad enough; but for a son of Erin to turn and tear the land that bore him is heartrending, soul-crushing, in one word, infamous. Do our readers doubt what we have stated? We will in a few words convince them how true, how sadly true, are the words we have written. We will appeal to facts, and then each can judge for himself whether we are right or any other man. Who caused the rebellion of '98 ? Was it not PALMERSTON, to gain his own diabolical ends! Who shot LORD EDWARD FITZGERALD? Again 'twas the ferocious PALMERSTON ? Who repealed the Union? The crafty PALMERSTON, with his low cunning and the money wrung from the hard-earned wages of Irishmen ! Who thwarted LORD WELLINGTON (an Irishman) in the Peninsular war? The envious PALMERSTON ! To come to later times; who caused the potato blight in '46? The fiendish PALMERSTON, to starve those of his own countrymen, who would die rather than submit to a rule founded on usurpation and wholesale murder! Who has committed most of the agrarian outrages which of late years have disgraced our happy country? "Tis PALMERSTON, if not in his own person, at least by his agents, in order that the finger of scorn should be pointed at Green Erin! These few facts, which every child unable to speak can corroborate with loud voice, will convince our readers at

once.

"And why have these invaders come? Is it to invite us to dinner? We say, no! That is a blind! It is to batten on the glorious hospitality of Ireland, a hospitality denied them with every mark of contumely in their own filthy land. That is what they are come for. Men of Ireland, be prepared! Forwarned is forearmed! Lock up your larders! Lose the keys of your cellar doors! And send the wretched robbers back to wallow and rot in their own down-trodden country.

THE ARTFUL RUSS.

Он! an artful move is the Russian's last
In preaching on Finland's soil,

Of righteous tone were the words that passed
As smooth as the purest oil;

Of laws to be mended, finance controll'd,
Reserving alone to him

Permission the reins of Reform to hold-
A right imperial whim.

Scheming thus on Finland's soil,
The artful Russian is wasting oil.

For the western pow'rs, though they took rebuff
In silence, yet feel with scorn,

How falsely he acteth, and know enough

How loosely his honour's worn ;

And slowly, yet surely, the time draws near

When, casting mere words aside,

These western pow'rs by their deeds must cheer
Brave Poland so harshly tried.

Scheming then will useless be,

The brave young Pole will at last be free!

OH! WONDERFUL SUN!-The heat has lately been so great, and the sun so powerful, that we have seen cabs-tan'd by it in the open street!

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