NOVEMBER 7, 1863.]

KING OF SCOTLAND YARD.

A DRAMA OF Real Life, in THREE ACTS, WITH MOST UNPLEASANT

EFFECTS.

Dramatis Persona.-SIR RICHAND MAYNE, the Bobbg King; an Assistant Commissioner; Police Inspector; Common Policemen (warranted to swear to anything the Inspector says); Spokesman of Deputation; Costermongers; Deputation, etc.

ACT I.

A Room in Scotland Yard. Enter an Assistant Commissioner, reading a letter aloud.

"And first and foremost I command that you
Do clear away the stalls in Stratton-ground.

Let none remain! Make a clean sweep of all !”
All, underscored. Hem! then it's very clear
Our mighty chief means every blessed one.
It shall be done, to us his word.is law.
What though by want the costers into crime
Are driven? 'twill but give more work for us,
And make us more respected than at present.
For now the dark days of November come,
When at each corner folks dread the garotte;
They'll seek the bobby, and they'll find him-not.
As I observed before, it shall be done.

ACT II.

[Exit.

Strutton-ground, Westminster. Costermongers at their usual avocations.
To them enter an Inspector and ten policemen.

Inspector.-Now, then, all you clear off; SIR RICAARD MAYNE
Hath ordered that no longer shall this ground
Be cumbered with your stalls. 'Ook it-cut-bolt.

Very Small Boy.-Please, mayn't I sell my apples?

Inspector (horrified).—

What, you dare

Grant us our prayer.

my hat.

[Exit the deputation in dismay. Thus may the majesty of England's laws

As by me represented be upheid.

What care I if I cause grief or pain,

'Tis not for nothing-I'm SIR RICHARD MAYNE!

[At this point the Bobby King, true to the instincts of his cloth, takes himself up-short, and exit.

LIVES OF EMINENT STATESMEN.

No. 62.-ISAAC BUTT, ESQ., M.P., Q.C., LL.D.

WE have selected our BUTT this week from amongst the Irish members. He is the son of the incumbent of Stranorlar, in the county of Donegal. On his mother's side he is also connected with the church in the person of BISHOP BERKELEY, of Cloyne, an ancient man of might-re. Uninfluenced, however, by his relationships, he preferred practice to preaching, and the chance of a silk gown and large fees to a narrow stipend with a surplice.

He was born in the county Donegal, in 1813-the particular locality in which he first saw light being Glen-fin, so that it is not wonderful that he proved a queer fish.

Our young friend was placed at the Royal School at Raphoe-in other words, was made a Raphoe-ree early. He was a pattern boy at school, and worthy of being handed down in fitting terms, thus:"IS AAC BUTT was a good boy, and al-ways learn-ed his les-sons well; He would, perhaps, and so he grew-up to be all BUTT a great man.' have gained brighter fame if he had remained the hero of only this one silly-ble story."

When he left school-or, in classical terms, when he "e-Raphoe-t evasit" he was transferred to Trinity College, Dublin. There he distinguished himself by his (s) collaring of a scholarship to begin with, in the year 1832. He was a hard reader, in fact, a genuine Irish stew-dent, instead of an Irish stew-pid-which last is too often the case with broths of boys. There is no pol at Dublin, we believe; but, perhaps, there is a pan-in which case, BUTT managed to eschew pan, by taking honours in both classics and mathematics.

In 1835 our hero took a degree by the latitude allowed to Dublin, although it is west of Greenwich. The following year he was elected Whately professor of political economy-a post for which he appears We to be well fitted-economy being here used in the technical sense. have heard, indeed, that one of the students who attended his lectures went away with the notion that political economy was defined as going to the House of Commons in a cab, and forgetting to pay the fare; but this can hardly be a fair report, we should think.

In 1838 he was called to the Irish bar, and for once he appears not to have disregarded the summons. Sixty years afterwards a rapid promotion-it could hardly have been a prompter-gave him his Cue-C. In spite of his silk, he was induced to talk stuff on behalf of SMITH It will be remembered that SMITH O'BRIEN, and the other patriots, who came to the BUTT-end of their armed conspiracy in 1848. O'BRIEN, not contented with butting at the jury, ran a muck at them, and charged them in an unusual manner-in short, called for pistols, the butts of which, if we remember rightly, protruded from his pocket.

In 1850 MR. BUTT first showed a desire to enter Parliament, and fixed upon Mayo; though, as HORACE says, "at non rediit,”—BUT(T) is not returned. Two years after he obtained a seat for Harwich, but there was something about that (h)air which did not agree with him, for he was soon transferred to Youghal-which borough he still represents. As a speaker, MR. BUTT is rather successful; though, as a rule, he speaks comparatively-Burr-er. He is somewhat of a special pleader, and has been accused of retaining the fee-bleness peculiar to that class. Yet he is rather prone to take up the causes of India'd individuals with a great deal of interest, which could hardly co-exist with want of principle.

His politics are progressive. That is to say, he was a Carlton candidate, and has turned Liberal and Palmerstonian, though he still clings to protection orders for agriculture, shipping, and all other branches of British industry. Under the circumstances, this is not to be wondered at. He appears to have gained great credit among his constituents, if not elsewhere, and is very popular with themthough, perhaps, not with cabmen-for his political career.

It may, therefore, perhaps, be asked why we have selected for our statesman a gentleman who, if he has earned notoriety, can hardly We be said to have done so by state-craft or legal eminence? answer, gentle readers, that we chose him because he is the elected of the most extensive and intellectual constituency in the world-for he represents You-all!

THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.

CHAPTER I.

him, proceed to investigate the details of every remarkable countenance he meets in the course of his walks, soothing the natural irritation which such a proceeding is calculated to arouse in the bosom of

PHY'S O

"Ha,' quoth Panurge."-Rabelais.

E feel convinced that the con scientious reader of FUN wil never so far forget himself as to demand of us our reasons for setting before him a treatise on Physiognomy. Satisfied that the King (of Comic Papers) can do no wrong, he will thankfully devour the intellectual cookery we set before him without presuming to enter into the question whether he has an appetite or not. This being so, we decline to volunteer any statement of the motives that have induced us to turn all our subscribers into talented analytical physiognomists. It sufficeth to say that we have our reasons.

SEC. II.-DEFINITION OF PHYSIOGNOMY.

CLOWN. "He's making faces at me."-Christmas Pantomime. PHYSIOGNOMY is defined by LAVATER to be "the art of discovering the interior of man by his exterior signs." Example.-A gentleman breathes heavily in his sleep: Physiognomical deduction-in his interior is pork.

Exception. This definition should be acted upon with circumspection, notwithstanding the weight of its authority, as it is not universally applicable. Example.-Take the case of the " Green Man" on Putney Common; a passer-by would form but an imperfect idea of the accommodation within, if, following LAVATER'S definition, he based his conclusion on the painting of the exterior sign, which is but a daub.

The word "physiognomy is derived from two Greek wordsphusis (fusees), and gnomon (a gnome or goblin), and may be said to be the fusee (or torch) by the light of which people of a diabolical disposition may be easily detected and exposed.

LAVATER, discoursing on the qualifications necessary to anyone who pretends to the character of an acute physiognomist, says that it is indispensable that a successful professor of the art should possess a good figure; adding that the moral and intellectual powers essential to the study are so refined, that the possession of them would of itself tend to make the professor a model of manly beauty. Before we set forth our own qualifications to the title of a physiognomist, we must be allowed to say a few words on the subject of modesty.

Modesty is a quality for which the great and good have ever been remarkable; it is also a quality that highly adorns a woman-but this is irrelevant. It is a logical sequitur that, as greatness and goodness are combined in our person in an unprecedented degree, modesty must necessarily be found there also. That being placed beyond a doubt, we have no hesitation in assuring our readers that they may place the fullest confidence in everything we have to say on the subject of physiognomy, for we are very beautiful.

SEC. IV. OF THE SPIRIT IN WHICH THE STUDY SHOULD BE
PROSECUTED.

sixpence of compensation, on the one hand; or the "go to the devil" of impertinence, accompanied by the kick of physical superiority, on the other, according to the social position and muscular development of the person so investigated.

"The worthy magistrate then bound over the witnesses to appear at the prosecution."-Police Reports.

on CAROLINE JAMES, October 26, 1863.

"Died of a broken heart and want of nourishment."-Verdict of Coroner's Jury DYING in a hovel, down in Bethnal-green, Lay a wife and mother-'twas a fearful scene!Dying from starvation; round her truckle bed Famished children gathered, crying, "Give us bread!" She had none to give them, and there rose a sigh From that wretched hovel to the throne on high; And she faintly murmured, with her latest breath, "I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!" E'en the wretched pittance-paltry parish dole(But, at best, sufficient to retain the soul, (Battling in her dwelling for the very life), Hard-hearted officials had refused the dying wife. "That was not her parish!" they had nought to give, They would lift no finger e'en to bid her live. So she languished, crying with her latest breath, "I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!" 'Tis no poet's fancy, drawn from fever'd brain, For the parish records show the shameful stain, That in London's city, where the yellow gold Lies in rich men's coffers, pile on pile untold, In a wretched hovel, on a truckle bed, Lay a wife and mother, starved for want of bread, And that she expiring, cried with her last breath, "I die broken-hearted, slowly starved to death! Praise the stern official, who, to save your purse, Ratepayers of Bethnal, hastened on the hearse Which conveyed the pauper to her last abode; But at their last meeting, at the bar of GOD, The recording angel, who wrote down the sigh Of that wretched sufferer, as she turned to die, Shall present the protest of her latest breath"I die broken-hearted; slowly starved to death!"

THE most distinguished professor of the art of physiognomy is PROFESSOR FUN. After him come PORTA, PEUSCHAL, ARISTOTLE, PLINY, SUETONIUS, POLEMON, SCIPIO, CLARAMONTIUS (of Esher), and LAVATER. Of these latter, LAVATER was the most remarkable; and although the student may be anything but a LAVATER when he commences the study of this intellectual treatise, yet this intellectual treat is so complete that he may, like a stranded vessel, feel ashored that the result will be that he will find himself equal to many a laugh arter. We would recommend him to divest himself, not only of all his pre-conceived ideas on the subject, but also of his coat and waistcoat, and roll up, not only the mental scrolls on which those ideas are inscribed, but likewise his shirt-sleeves. He will then be prepared to look upon this work as a species of physiognomical LAVATER-y, in which all his old notions on the subject will be completely washed away. He should stick the long-four of research into the candlestick of determination, and fortifying himself with the umbrella of indifference as a protection against the showers of abuse that may assail

BOARD-ERING ON IDIOCY.

THE Board of Guardians at Bethnal-green is becoming idiotic. When public attention is so fully directed to it, instead of sitting quiet and trying to look wise-when it might pass muster-it is doing all it can to prove how utterly incapable it is. With the vindictiveness to be expected of such a body of malevolent old women, the guardians have brought the most cruel and unfounded charges against the medical man who has exerted himself to the utmost to save them from the crime of murder. They assert that there is no such thing as blood-poisoning in the parish-and yet, at the same time, they publicly display the bad blood that exists among them against the doctor. Let us hope that the Poor Law Board will compel the Dogberries to alter the absurd rules they have made-rules which would fain make maternity keep office-hours like government clerks, and which refuse to recognise disease after the fashionable calling-time is over.