Extraordinary nursery rhymes and tales, new yet old, tr. into comic verse, by one who was once a child himself

With eyes blind with weeping she ran for a coffin,
But when she came back how the sly dog was laughing!
She went to the hatter's to buy a cocked hat,

And when she came back he was shaving the cat.
She sometimes would take him for walks in the parks,
But found he for ever was up to some larks.

One day he got fighting, in which dogs delight,

But soon the dame cured him-his tail felt her bite.
One time he was poorly, but gladly I tell

How good he took med'cine, and thus soon got well.
The dame was deceived once-the dog told a lie,
And dined upon nothing instead of lamb's fry.
One day he went skating-oh, isn't it nice!-

The dame, whose taste differs, don't care much for ice.
One day he was naughty, the dame had to flog,
But now he does sums like a good little dog.

She sent him to college to learn the French accent,
But he could not catch it, and so soon was back sent.

He often had games on his half-holiday;

Hare-and-hound, hide-and-seek, and tipcat he would play.
He can read out aloud, which the dame much enjoys,
And when he has broken, can mend all his toys.

Old Mother Hubbard has grown very old,

And has oft the rheumatics and violent cold;

But her dear little doggie (oh, may none have worse!)
Proves an excellent Doctor, a Friend, and a Nurse.

A was an Archer.

WAS an archer, and shot at a frog,

Who, missing it, fell head over heels in a bog.

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PUSSY

Oh, I've been to London to see the Queen.

Pussy cat, pussy cat, how did you go?

Oh, I just took a Hansom right over the snow.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
Oh, I frightened a little mouse under her chair.
Pussy cat mew, did she ask you to dine?

Yes, on ratafees, boiled mice, and gooseberry wine.

The youth bestowed his bread and Shines like a monstrous glowworm,

beer;

She smiled-'twas all he had. 'My dear, I'll make your fortune—

Attend to what I say;
This bean plant in your garden,

And watch it day by day.'

With this the old dame vanished,

And left his food and beer. Young Reynard he was puzzled : Says he, 'It's precious queer!' He found wrapp'd in the paper

A bean of giant size—
For planting full directions,
Which add to his surprise.
'Sow it on Friday evening,
A little after dark,
Amongst the new potatoes,

The side against the park.
From ditch take a dead black cat,

Which shall enrich the root,
And ere you are much older

Come out and gather fruit.'

Young Reynard found the black cat, Young Reynard dug the hole,

And Friday after sunset

Out from the cottage stole.

With sparks of fitful light.

The cat he first deposits,

Then sprinkles o'er with mould; Her mouth somehow lies open, And in the large bean rolled. The lad is rather frightened,

But draws the loose soil round, Stamps on the top to level,

Then darts home with a bound.

That night he lay a-dreaming
Of all that him befell;
No one had seen his actions,

And none he means to tell.
But in the morn his mother

Cried, 'Jack, look! here's a sight! A large and wondrous bean-stalk Has sprung up in the night!'

Its stem, about a yard thick,

Was hollow from the root;
Above, amidst rich foliage,
Were many luscious fruit.

Plums of the size of pumpkins
Had fallen to the ground,
O'erbalanced by their ripeness,

And strewed the garden round.

Their taste was most delicious,
But when he cracked a stone
He found, in place of kernel,
A pair of boots full grown.
He quickly broke another,
And there he found a coat;
In next a pair of trousers;

In pocket a short note. 'On Friday after sunset,

When dressed in your new suit, Alone go with your lantern,

And seek the beanstalk root.'

Each night fresh fruit descended,
In which, securely packed,
He found most useful raiment,

When he the shells had cracked.

One day he thought to climb it,

But, sadly pierced and torn, Fell, and left half his jacket Upon a giant thorn.

The beanstalk had a small rent,
Which every morning shrunk ;
In this he placed his garments—
He used it for a trunk.

Oh, how he longed for Friday!
Then hurried out with glee,
Taking his old dark lantern,

To seek the wondrous tree.

The aperture has widened—

He enters with a grin,
And finds a small rope ladder
Securely placed within.

"Tis wondrous strange!' thought Reynard;

'Of course I shall ascend: I want to scale the tree-top,

And see the other end.'
Hand over hand he rises,

But climbing finds no jest,
The great height much surprises;
He seeks a moment's rest.

It took nigh twenty minutes
Before he struck his head
Against the hollow tree-roof,
Which widened like a shed.

His lantern raised, he tapped round,
Sought where the bark was thin,
When lo! a voice like thunder

In answer cried, 'Come in!'
But Jack, for ever wary,

Thought,' Here I'd rather bide, Until I can discover

Who's there on t'other side.'

With darkened lamp he listened,

And just heard nothing more For full the next five minutes;

Then lo! a sudden snore.

He then sought round for entrance,
But ne'er a door could find,
So carved a little peep-hole
To see what is behind.

Upon a bed of bean-leaves

A mighty giant lays ;
The rising moon reveals him,

To Jack's astonished gaze.

His breathing mocks a tempest,
When breakers lash the shore;
But oh! 'tis worse than thunder
When he begins to snore!
Jack's for a moment daunted,
At loss what next to do;
Then cuts an oval panel,
Which he can enter through.
'Tis in a darksome corner,

The bark he can replace,
And with string-made hinges,
So none the door may trace.
The Giant, now grown restless,
Begins to yawn and gape,
And whistles for his servant;
When lo! appears an ape.
'I cannot sleep for dreaming

She perched upon a table,

Beside the Giant's bed,
And with him played at dominoes :
Jack noted all they said.

'I'll bet you,' quoth the Giant,

'Some oats, you young blackleg!' 'And I,' replied the Pheasant,

'Will lay a golden egg.'
They played the giant cheated,
The Golden Pheasant lost;
But still strove 'gainst his foul play,
Until three eggs it cost.

Then both all of a sudden,

Rolled off o'erpowered by sleep:
When Jack creeps through the panel,
Those eggs to snatch and keep.
The door secured behind him,
He rapidly descends;

Of some rich feast to come!
There's young blood near; I smell it! To make another visit

So jolly, fee-fo-fum!'
The careless monkey looked out,

But never glanced within.
'There's no provisions here, sir.
Worse luck!' He gave a grin.

'Go, fetch the golden pheasant,

And mind that she's well drest: Bring, too, the box of dominoes;

I'll play as I can't rest.'

Full dressed, the lady soon came;

His eyes Jack scarce believes; She's neither roast nor boiled, but

In pinafore with sleeves! [decked

He very soon intends.

The three eggs in the morning
He found were solid gold;
In weight about six ounces,
For many pounds they're sold.
Next eve again he clambered,

And sought his door again;
Within he heard a growling,
The Giant was in pain.
A pair of apes attended,

And brought him various fruit;
But still he groaned in anguish,
Their remedies don't suit.

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Extraordinary nursery rhymes and tales, new yet old, tr. into comic verse ...