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were you entertained at the play last night? Mrs. Pope's playing was admirable. Were not you amazed at the thinness of the house? But fashion, not taste, rules every thing. Give the women but a crowd within, and a squeeze at the door, and they don't care a pin for the excellence of the entertainment. Captain Paragraph, how long is it since the post came in? I got my paper about an hour ago.—When is it thought parliament will rise? I have a letter that says the twelfth.—Mr. M'Blubber, you are a Highlander, what is your opinion of those encouragements to the fishery? I have no great notion of building towns; find the birds, say I, and they will find nests for themselves.—Mr. Rupee (you have been in India), what do you say to this impeachment? I am inclined to think it will come to nothing.— Pray, what is the exact definition of a bulse? I understand it to be a package for diamonds, as a rouleau is for guineas.—Ha! is not that Mr. Hazard walking yonder, who came yesterday from London? Yes, it is, I know him by his gait.—Sir, is my cane any where near you? Oh! yes, I left it in the corner of the box.—Boy, how much did I owe the house since yesterday? Eighteen pence. Here it is.
Now, Mr. Lounger, you must be satisfied what an aggravated offence this way of talking of Mr. Glib's is, against other people who wish to have some share in the conversation. The most unconscionable querists, if they keep within their own department are contented with half the talk of the company: Mr. Glib cuts it in two, and very modestly helps himself to both pieces.
When he has set the fancy agog, and one's tongue is just ready to give it vent, pop be conies between one and the game he has started, and takes the word out of one's mouth. Do write a few lines, sir, to let Mr. Glib know how unreasonable and how ridiculous his behaviour is; 'tis as if one should play at shuttlecock alone, or take a game at piquet, one's right hand against one's left; or sit down with three dead men at whist. I should never have done, were I to say all I think of its absurdity.
I am a married man, Mr. Lounger, and have a wife and three grown up daughters at home. I am a pretty constant frequenter of the coffeehouse, where I go to have the pleasure of a little conversation; but if Mr. Glib is to come there every morning, as he does at present, never to have done asking questions, and never to allow any body but himself to answer them, I may just as well stay at home. Yours, &c. Gabriel Gossip.
THE BARGAIN BUYER.
If it be difficult to persuade the idle to be busy, it is likewise, as experience has taught me, not easy to convince the busy that it is better to be idle. When you shall despair of stimulating sluggishness to motion, I hope you will turn your thoughts towards the means of stilling the bustle of pernicious activity.
I am the unfortunate husband of a buyer of bargains. My wife has somewhere heard that a
good housewife never has any thing to purchase when it is wanted. This maxim is often in her mouth, and always in her head. She is not one of those philosophical talkers that speculate without practice, and learn sentences of wisdom only to repeat them; she is always making additions to her stores; she never looks into a broker's shop but she spies something that may be wanted some time; and it is impossible to make her pass the door of a house where she hears goods selling by auction.
Whatever she thinks cheap, she holds it the duty of an economist to buy; and in consequence of this maxim, we are encumbered on every side with useless lumber. The servants can scarcely creep to their beds through the chests and boxes that surround them. The carpenter is employed once a week in building closets, fixing cupboards, and fastening shelves; and my house has the appearance of a ship stored for a voyage to the colonies.
I had often observed that advertisements set her on fire; and therefore, pretending to emulate her laudable frugality, I forebade the newspaper to be taken any longer; but my precaution is vain, I know not by what fatality, or by what confederacy every catalogue of " genuine furniture" comes to her hand, every advertisement of a newspaper newly opened is in her pocketbook, and she knows before any of her neighbours when the stock of any man leaving off trade is to be sold cheap for ready money.
Such intelligence is to my dear one the Siren's song. No engagement, no duty, no interest, can withhold her from a sale, from which she always returns congratulating herself upon her dexterity at a bargain; the porter lays down his burden in the hall; she displays her new acquisitions, and spends the rest of the day in contriving where they shall be put.
As she cannot bear to have any thing incomplete, one purchase necessitates another; she has twenty feather beds more than she can use, and a late sale has supplied her with a proportionate number of Whitney blankets, a large roll of linen for shirts, and five quilts for every bed, which she bought because the seller told her, that if she would clear his hands he would let her have a bargain.
Thus, by hourly encroachments, my habitation is made narrower and narrower; the dining-room is so crowded by tables, that dinner scarcely can be served; the parlour is decorated with so many piles of china, that I dare not step within the door; at every turn of the stairs I have a clock, and half the windows of the upper floor are darkened, that shelves may be set before them.
This, however, might be borne, if she would gratify her own inclinations without opposing mine. But I, who am idle, am luxurious, and she condemns me to live upon salt provision. She knows the loss of buying in small quantities, we have therefore whole hogs, and quarters of oxen. Part of our meat is tainted before it is eaten, and part is thrown away because it is spoiled; but she persists in her system, and will never buy any thing by single pennyworths.
The common vice of those who are still grasp
ing at more, is to neglect that which they already possess; but from this failing my charmer is free. It is the great care of her life that the pieces of beef should be boiled in the order in which they are bought; that the second bag of peas should not be opened till the first were eaten; that every feather bed should be lain on in its turn; the carpets should be taken out of the chest once a month and brushed; and the rolls of linen opened now and then before the fire. She is daily inquiring after the best traps for mice; and keeps the rooms always scented by fumigations to destroy the moths. She employs a workman from time to time to adjust six clocks that never go, and clean five jacks that rust in the garret; and a woman in the next alley lives by scouring the brass and pewter, which are only laid up to tarnish again.
She is always imagining some distant time in which she shall use whatever she accumulates; she has four looking glasses which she cannot hang up in her house, but which will be handsome in more lofty rooms; and pays rent for the place of a vast copper in some warehouse, because when we live in the country we shall brew our own beer.
Of this life I have long been weary, but I know not how to change it; all the married men whom I consult advise me to have patience; but some old bachelors are of opinion, that since she loves sales so well, she should have a sale of her own; and I have, I think, resolved to open her hoards and advertise an auction. Johnson.