Clytemnestra's heart, in which, hard as it was, there was a strain of sentiment and she fell sobbing into her husband's SOME IMPROMPTU DEFINITIONS. arms. And from that night-until the fatal day, some six short weeks afterwards, when each, by an unfortunate oversight, partook of a mixture which had been carefully prepared for the other-there was not a happier royal couple in all Argos than Clytemnestra and Agamemnon. Impromptu definitions have often the merit of being amusing, whatever may be asked as to their correctness. "What on earth can that mean?" asked Hicks of Thackeray, pointing to an inscription over a doorway, "Mutual Loan Office." "I don't know," answered the novelist, "unless it means that two men that have 66 And so all was forgotten and forgiven in the most satisfactory manner, the Chorus (who had been considering themselves arrested until the intellectual strain had proved almost too much for them) were released, while it was found on inquiry that both Ægisthus and Cassandra were missing, and no trace of them was ever found again; but it was generally nothing agree to lend it to one another." understood that, with a delicate unselfish- Said Lord Wellesley to Plunkett: "One ness, they had been unwilling to remain of my aides-de-camp has written a perwhere their presence would lead to inev-sonal narrative of his travels; pray, what itable complications. is your definition of personal?"""Well, my Lord," was Plunkett's reply, "we lawyers always consider personal as opposed to real;" an explanation as suggestive as that of the London magistrate who interpreted a housekeeper" as meaning a sort of a "wife." An American contemplating setting a lawsuit going, his solicitor said he would undertake the matter for a contingent fee. Meeting Mr. Burleigh soon afterward, the would-be litigant asked that gentleman what a contingent fee might be. "A contingent fee," quoth Mr. Burleigh, "is this-if the lawyer loses the case he gets nothing; "Then I if he wins, you get nothing." don't get anything, win or lose?" said the questioner. Well," was the consolatory rejoinder, "that's about the size of a contingent fee." So Brougham was not much out in defining a lawyer "as a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself." J. B. ANSTEY, Author of Vice Versa. ONE OF BEECHER'S STORIES. 66 When I was pastor at Indianapolis, a celebrated preacher came there, a Geneva divine, who naturally spoke English with variations. It was in the year 1837, when the country was covered with ruin and the homes and property of half the citizens of Indianapolis were in the sheriff's hands. One Sunday he took my pulpit and wound up a thrilling discourse with the tender peroration: "If you will bear with resignation and fortitude the misfortunes which have fallen on you for a brief time here below, the A PUN.-That was a good, though time will come when you will be borne rather a severe pun, which was made by up aloft to a heavenly land by the cheru- a student in one of our theological semibim and the sheriffim" (sic for seraphim). naries (and he was not one of the brightOh, dear," groaned a voice, are we toest of the class, either), when he asked, find sheriffs there, too?" "Why is Prof. the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on all "giving it up," said, "Because at the close of every sermon there is a 'Great Awakening.' The Citizen. "THERE is one thing about babies," says a late traveler, "they never change. We have girls of the "period, men of the world, but the baby is the same self-possessed, fearless, laughing, voracious little heathen in all ages and in all countries." Advance. CONVERSATION being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk about. MARK LEMON'S JEST BOOK, BEING A CHOICE COLLECTION OF JOKES, OLD AND NEW, IMPROMPTUS AND REPARTEES He has carefully perused the Eight learned chapters of "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of Philosophy at Halle, and member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." "Hypocrites, with the appearance but without Which have passed current century after cen- the reality of virtue, condemn from the teeth outwardly tury, until their origin is "lost in the mist of ages." MARK LEMON'S INTRODUCTION. All good men love a good joke and regard it like "a thing of beauty," "a joy forever;" therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe and tankard when seated with his delighted auditory at the Black Jack in Clare Market. Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he beladled by a cross cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles that Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin long stood over the door of New Gate prison house. We would not have destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller, but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St. Bartholomew, where Joe. probably, is to dance "the English Maggot dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins conclude with a Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettle-drums and Trumpets." And when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us march in the train of the Great Mime, until he takes his ease in his inn—the Black Jack aforesaid—and laugh at his jibes and flashes of merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great kill-joy, Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his Bocial virtues. the Laughter and Jesting which they sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous persons also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy, and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise their Judgment." The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions was a conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty, "which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man :" and despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the Irreverent, so that of the many Jests here collected, not one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing. "The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl; The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool!” says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he has brought together.1 MARK LEMON. A CONFIRMED INVALID. A poor woman who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as I can; they tell me it is good for the rheumatis." 1 The editors of THE LIBRARY OF WIT AND HUMOR have made simply a selection from what they consider the best and brightest of Mark Lemon's collection, omitting Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not all the "Joe Millers," which we have already published rob us of that conviction! The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false-the pure gold from Brummagen brass. as a complete collection in volume II. The late worthy editor of Punch certainly brought together a larger number of good jests than was ever before published. Lady spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved? "I know no method so effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of good ale by it." A SMALL INHERITANCE. It was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney General, to close his speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears, and, to the astonishment of those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. Just look at Mitford," said a bystander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a small inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get." 66 COMPLIMENTARY. Lord North, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some old acquaintances." "Who are they, my lord ?" inquired the doctor. "My ribs," replied his lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now." beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that gentleman of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject:-" What makes the man greet?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him. "By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too, if you were in along with me, friend, and let's have a his place, and had as little to say." "Come glass together; you are too good a fellow to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee. THREE CAUSES. The Three gentlemen being in a coffeehouse, one called for a dram, "because he companion, "because I am cold." was hot." "Bring me another," said his third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, "Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it." ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct as to draw from him this expression: last man alive to appear against me, as I "Sir, I thought you would have been the have covered so many blunders of yours!" COME OF AGE. A young man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and wishing to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied the other; "but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty than a man at sixty !" REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES. When General Vallancy was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his into their carriage, by an old beggar wolady were regularly besieged, as they got man, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, the woman began, "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to your honor's honor for sure I did not dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor woman," said the general, "dreams go by gave me a pound of tobacco.' "My good the rule of contrary!" "Do they so?" 66 Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight. Will you, Sir Philip, will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question ?" "At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether he is Junius; but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus." TOO MANY COOKS. Elwes, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half-done; and if you keep three, you may do it yourself." AN EXTINGUISHER. While Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the powder magazine." "Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the least degree discomposed, “run back and assist in putting it out." A BAD SHOT. A cockney being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I never hit what I fire at." WISE PRECAUTION. that when in one of his leisure hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching, upon which he suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be grave: here comes a fool." men. A TRUMP CARD. At one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of, and the noble hostess observed that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among "In short, you think," said Mr. Rogers, "that clubs are worse than diawhen it had subsided, Sydney Smith monds." This joke excited a laugh, and most appropriately on a card: wrote the following impromptu sermonet Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades, Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, How foolishly we play our parts! Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, The Sexton and his Subs: We set our hearts on clubs! THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES. Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality, "That I will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me? My name's John -; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for stealing sheep!" "Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife? she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen." "At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher trade." "Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of meeting again." A CHEAP CURE. "Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, It is related of the great Dr. Clarke, and earn it!" was the pithy answer. VOL. IV-W. H. 13 A GRAVE DOCTOR. Counsellor Crips being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients." BLACK AND WHITE. During the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition, setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary legislative wisdom." " 'Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was for the Irish that they were not born black! They would then have had plenty of friends in both houses." SIMPLE DIVISION. A HAPPY SUGGESTION. When Jenny Lind, the Swedish nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,7761. 158., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing." QUALIFYING FOR BAIL. A gentleman once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Sergeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3,000l. ?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2,9407. "That's all very good," said the sergeant, "but you want 607. more to be worth 3,000l." "For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of When the Earl of Bradford was brought one Mr. Sergeant Davy, and I hope he before the Lord Chancellor, to be ex- will have the honesty soon to settle it." amined upon application for a statute of The sergeant looked abashed, and Lord lunacy against him, the chancellor asked Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane him, "How many legs has a sheep?"-tone, "Well, brother Davy, I think we "Does your lordship mean," answered may accept the bail." Lord Bradford, “a live sheep or a dead sheep?" "Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two; the two forelegs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton." HAND AND GLOVE. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; Take off your glove, friend," said the judge to him. "Put on your spectacles, my lord," answered the dyer. THE PINK OF POLITENESS. Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) Lord Berkeley was once dining with and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkgameeley had by accident shot one of his keepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, “ Pray, my lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?" "Not since you hanged your tutor, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged. |