not returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle, Sir Guy, smooth, as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to have an excursion to some place in the neighborhood the next day; and begging that I might be in the breakfastroom at nine, as they were to assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door awoke me; at the same time I recognized the voice of the colonnel's servant saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir." I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed only the day before-even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room a small bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit of livery of the most gaudy and showy description; the vest and breeches of yellow plush with light blue binding and lace; of which color was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I turned the things over, without even a guess at what they could mean, for I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few words were written : "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how you'll look; get quietly down the stable yard, and drive the tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your kind master, JOHN WALLER." The horrible villainy of this wild scamp actually paralyzed me. That I should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet, what was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, Thomas?" "Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." "There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas disappeared, and speedily returned to say "that my clothes could not be found anywhere; no one knew anything of them, and begged me to come down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish to heaven she saw my costume; no, I will never do it. "Thomas, you must tell the ladies, and the colonel too, that I feel very ill; I am not able to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks-very violent attacks in my head, and must always be left quiet and alone-perfectly alone-mind me, Thomas-for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in my bed, I heard from the breakfast room the loud laughter of many persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were laughing at? the thought was horrible. "Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he again appeared at the door. "No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are you grinning at?" "You may as well come, my man, you're found out; they all know it now,' said the fellow with an odious grin. I jumped out of the bed and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlor, the increase of mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only one who was merry at my expense. Anything was preferable to this; down stairs I resolved to go at once-but how? a blanket I thought would not be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing room, and explain to him the whole affair, but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No, that would never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful shocking as it was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and much indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy trick, I donned the yellow inex-quaintance, and chatted gaily with him. pressibles; next came the vest, and last The buzz of conversation, which filled the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescences, fifty times more absurd and merry-andrew like than any stage servant who makes off with his table and two chairs, amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. If my costume leaned toward the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my bedroom, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for my vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could survey me without laughing. With a bold effort I flung open my door, hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to be turned buck to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said "Maester, I advise ye to run for it; they're a waiting for you with the constables in the justice's room." I gave him a look of contemptuous superiority, at which he grinned the more, and passed on. Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the breakfast parlor, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I at the very first thing that met my sight that I was perfectly powerless to do anything. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small groups around the breakfast table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm-shall I confess no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him with the familiarity of an old ac the apartment when I entered, ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter so long and vociferous that in my momentary anger I prayed some one might burst a blood vessel and frighten the rest. I put on a look of indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand without support. "Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; "Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of intimacy between us shall Before I could conclude the sentence a bustle at the door of the room called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, etc., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out with "So, you scoundrel, you impostor, you d-d young villain; pretending to be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house, and dine at his table, when your proper place had been behind his chair. How far he might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his master, had not traced him here this morning-but you'll pay dearly for it, you young rascal, that you shall." "Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up (and I confess exciting new bursts of laughter), "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions you have just applied to me a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. Waller, at length, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; "for, indeed, my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case, the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution; however, let me deal with him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, "take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George. I shall endeavor to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; and the best mode you can contribute to that object is to let us have no more of your society." able, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter, who came in at the same instant, told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young lady who had eloped that morning with an officer. "Ah, our friend in the green traveling chariot, I'll be bound," said my companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognized my ci-devant host, Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had lost his daughter and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies and ex injuries and sufferings; and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the Continent, where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly broken the compact. So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional confession that so strong was the memory of the vile adventure that I refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government when I discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such "souvenirs" flitting around about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would have left me without a pleasure in existence. I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from this diabolical predicament was my only pre-planations came in due time, for all my sent object; and I rushed from the room and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, groans, and yells of the whole servant's hall, who seemed to enjoy my "detection " more, even, than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, short, and decisive, on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. Unfortunately, I had no friend there, to whose management I could commit the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the th dragoons were then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting with vengeance, and bursting still with anger; not so my friend, however, who never could discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last tollbar, a traveling carriage came whirling by, with four horses, at a tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming, so as to be half invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our own pace was consider CHARLES LEVER. A lady, who, though in the autumn oflife, had not lost all dreams of its spring, said to Douglas Jerrold: "I cannot imagine what makes my hair turn so grey: I sometimes fancy it must be the essence of rosemary, with which my maid is in the habit of brushing it. What do you think?" "I should rather be afraid, madam," replied the distinguished dramatist, dryly, "that is is the essence of Time!" LAYS FOR LAWYERS. THE LAWYER'S SUIT. O why, lady, why, when I come to your side, That you'll never wed with a Lawyer you swear But why so averse to a Lawyer, my dear? Can it be, that because I have thought and have read, Come, wed with a Lawyer! you needn't fear strife, For since I have borne with the courts all my life, That the Devil can't ruffle my temper, I'll swear And I hardly think you could do't either, ny dear! -JOHN G. SAXE. THE LAWYER'S STRATAGEM. Till my heart to the world and its pleasures is dear! Can it be that because my eyes have grown But as the maid was yet a minor, dim, And my color is wan and my body is slim? Pshaw! the husk of the almond as rough does appear But what do you think of the kernel, my dear? Would you wed with a Fop full of apish grimace, Whose antics would call all the blood to your face? Take me, from confusion you're sure to be clear, For a Lawyer's ne'er troubled with blushes, my dear! There still remained this slight obstruction: Young man, no doubt your wisest course Would you wed with a Merchant, who'd curse And let your lady-love get on; and who'd bann As soon as ever that is done, 'Cause he's plagued by his conscience for cheat- You get on too-but, hark ye! mind She rides before; you ride behind; Would you wed with a Soldier with brains The truant lady was his daughter. made of fuel, Who, defending his honor, is killed in a duel? Take me, and such danger you've no need to fear, For my honor is not worth defending, my dear! MORAL. When lawyers counsel craft and guile, -From The Boston Post. AN OLD SAW. An upper mill and lower mill Fell out about their water; To war they went-that is, to lawResolved to give no quarter. A lawyer was by each engaged, And hotly they contended; When fees grew scant, the war they waged They judged were better ended. The heavy costs remaining still -From Harper's Monthly. ST. PETER VS. A LAWYER. Professions will abuse each other; The priest won't call the lawyer brother, While Salkeld still beknaves the parson, And says he cants to keep the farce on. Yet will I readily suppose They are not truly bitter foes, But only have their pleasant jokes, And banter, just like other folks. As thus, for so they quiz the Law, Once on a time, the attorney, Flaw, A man, to tell you as the fact is, Of vast chicane, of course of practice. (But what profession can we trace Where some will not the corps disgrace? Seduc'd, perhaps, by roguish client, Who tempts him to become more pliant), A notice had to quit the world, And from his desk at once was hurl'd. Observe, I pray, the plain narration: 'Twas in a hot and long vacation, When time he had, but no assistance, Though great from courts of law the distance, To reach the court of truth and justice (Where, I confess, my only trust is), Though here below the learned pleader Shows talents worthy of a leader, Yet his own fame he must support, Be sometimes witty with the court, Or work the passions of a jury By tender strains, or, full of fury, Mislead them all, tho' twelve apostles, Begg'd but a look, tho', through the gate. So while St. Peter stood aside To let the door be open'd wide, He skimmed his hat with all his strength ΑΝΟΝ. |