room and secured his promise to remain there until morning, upon the assurance that his complaint as to the trick that had been played on him, whatever it was, should then be thoroughly investigated. Just what happened in No. 201 will never be known to any one but the occupants themselves. Certain it is that, during all this unwonted excitement, which was not wholly abated until morning, not a sound was heard in that room; and some people afterwards commented upon the remarkably sound sleep of the newlymarried couple, whom even such disturbances could not arouse. It was also considered singular that, notwithstanding the fact that they did not appear to have been in any way disturbed by the occurrences of the night before, they left the hotel in the first departing train, without any farewell to their many friends, except a message that they had been suddenly called home by sickness. "No; I suppose he was jealous." "Not a bit of it. It was all about his breeches." "What she wore them?" said I. "No; she sent them to him one day at a lecture. It happened thus: You know old Potts was dismally eccentric. He was the most absent man in all New York, especially when called upon to pay anything. Well, he thought nothing of going without his dinner or his gloves. He was a very stingy man, and never had but one suit of clothes at the same time. However, meeting his tailor one day, he gave him an order for a new pair of breeches, which were sent home unknown to the doctor's wife. Having to lecture that morning, he put his new ones on, and left the old ones on his library chair. Soon after he had gone out, Mrs. Potts entered the library; she saw the breeches, and at once concluded the doctor had gone to lecture sans culottes.' Putting the breeches up in a parcel, she, to prevent the possibility of a mistake, took it herself to the lecture-room; giving the parcel to the porter, she told the man to give it to the doctor immediately. She His conduct would, probably, have for- herself then went home. The doctor was ever remained an impenetrable mystery lecturing to a fashionable assembly on the had not some of us, who had heard him wonders of chemistry, when the parcel speak that night of a "dom'd musthard was put into his hand. As his wife was phlaster," observed him frequently pull-often in the habit of sending him diaing out of his pocket and kissing a grams, &c., which he left behind him, delicate little cambric and lace handkerchief, in one corner of which one of us noticed a monogram, which was unmistakably that of the dainty, but now departed, bride, and which told the whole story of her accidentally placing that fatal mustard plaster in the right place but-on the wrong man. Stranger still, in the morning the occupant of No. 203 appeared, clothed in his right mind," and indisposed to investigate the mystery of the night before, or even to talk about it. PAUL LLYND. THE UNMENTIONABLES. "You remember Dr. Potts, don't you?" said Jones to me yesterday over our toddy. "To be sure I do; he sued me for a doctor's bill. Do you think I ever forget that?" "No, certainly not," said Jones. "Well, did you ever hear why he was separated from his wife?" "Yes; he beat her once." the doctor concluded this was something connected with his lecture, which he had forgotten. He therefore opened it before the audience, and to his astonishment and indignation, displayed to them all his cast-off inexpressibles. The roar of laughter which followed compelled him to conclude his lecture immediately. Rushing out, he went home and beat his wife. Never interfere with your husband, say I." I was at a wedding last night; the daughter of an old and much esteemed friend was to be married, and I was so urgently invited that I couldn't help going. "There was so much fuss and parade that I was perfectly disgusted. I could not help comparing the proceedings where a couple was married in Lawrenceburgh many years ago, when Indiana formed a part of the great northwestern territory. At the time the settlements of the emigrants were mostly confined to the rich bottom lands of the water-courses. "Lawrenceburgh was a small village, of a few log cabins. My father was acting magistrate for the district, and very promptly attended to all the various duties of that office, in addition to which he was in the habit of doing a great deal of manual labor on his own hook." "That was when you wasn't big enough to do much, Major." "Exactly; I was a tow-headed brat of some eight or ten years old when the incident I am about to relate took place, but I remember all the particulars as well as if it had occurred yesterday. You see it was about dinner-time one day, in the fall of the year, when, the old man being engaged in laying in a supply of wood for the winter, drove up his ox-team, with a pretty solid load of fuel. "Just then a young and unsophisticated couple entered the village, hand in hand, inquired for the squire, and were duly directed to the house. The youth was barefooted, and wore a coarse but clean tow linen shirt and pants, and rough straw hat of home manufacture. His fair companion was dressed in a blue cotton frock, pink cotton apron, coarse bonnet, and brogan shoes, with stockings. "These were their wedding dresses, and their severe simplicity, and the thorough independence they manifested, made an impression upon my mind that will never be effaced. "We have come to get married,' said the young man to the old lady, my mother, who was properly busy among the pots and kettles. "The old man was on the top of the cart, and every time he threw off a stick he asked a question. Before he was fairly unloaded, he had the youth's whole story, having ascertained the names, ages and residence of the parties, how long he had known the young woman, if he really loved her, and was willing to labor honestly to promote her happiness, etc. "The youngster gave simple and satisfactory answers to all the questions propounded. "In the mean time the old lady, perfectly understanding dad's way of doing things, had sent out to say to the people that a wedding party was coming off at the house, and by the time the wood was unloaded quite a crowd had collected to witness the ceremony. "The old fellow, having pitched out the last stick, and picked up his long goad, stood up in the cart, and commenced the performance. "Jest jine hands,' said he, to the young couple. "It was done accordingly. "I'm satisfied with both of ye,' he continued: 'you've a perfect right to get married,' and he united 'em in short order. "As the rafters on this house are joined together, so I jine you-you are man and wife-salute your bride. I don't charge you anything for the operation. Whoa haw, Buck—get along, Bright!' "With an elegant flourish of his long stick, he started for another load of wood, leaving the newly-wedded pair amid the villagers, kissing each other with a very distinct and particular evidence of satisfaction. "That was a wedding worth having," continued Major Oudesley; "I knew the couple afterwards and know them yet, for they are both living in a high state of prosperity. And I know their children after them, too, and mighty fine children they are, for one of them is at this very time Governor of Indiana." THERE is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought when he explained the meaning of "old maid," as a woman who had been made a very long time. A PROFESSOR OF NATURAL HIS- One of the best lectures upon natural history I have ever heard was given during a visit I made to England, in 1843. It was at Croydon fair, a place about ten miles from London. Great was the wonder of the chawbacons as they saw the mysterious booth, which had sprung up like a mushroom in the night. The leader of the band, a sort of Max Maretzek, was an orchestra in himself, for he performed on four instruments, all at once. He had a peal of bells fastened to his hat, which jingled whenever he nodded; a row of reeds was fastened to his chin, which he played on as he rolled his head from side to side; with his hands he scraped a fiddle; while to one knee and a foot he had two drumsticks tied, with which he beat the drum before him. After enjoying the overture, which was made up of the fag ends of various tunes, finishing off with the beginnings of others, I paid a penny, and entered the inner temple. What was in it will be best described by the lecturer, who said: "Ladies and gents-this here is a menagerie, so called, because it takes a man of intellect like me to manage the critters. That ere hanimal is a halegory; it grows on the banks of the Nile, and is amphibilious, which is the French for saying, 'it can't live on land, and dies in the water'-a painful proof of the delicacy of its constitution, and the unsartainty of human life. The next hanimal is a cammylion. It's a regular box of colors. The ancients took their idea of the rainbow and a woman's dress from it; when it's black it's green, and when it's yellow it's blue, and wise warsa: thus affording a salutary example of the fallowbiliousness of the human senses, for there has been more hard swearing in the courts of law about the exact color of this here animal than has ever been heard, except in New York, the capital of the Chocktaw Americans. The next critter is a hyena. It imitates all the vartues of man; for instance, it has the agreeable smile of a young woman, and can imitate the crying of a child so naturally, that it inweigles unsuspectous people into the woods, and then dewours them -a shocking proof of human ingratitude. "That 'ere animal in the corner is a hape, of the monkish kind. Some of its habits are so werry disgusting that it has been considered as belonging to the human species itself. "The critter with a long nose is a helephant. It is a native of a land whose name is so long and outlandish that it takes a man a month to pronunce it, three weeks to hear it, and eight years to understand it. If you ladies and gentlemen 'd like to hear me say it I'm agreeable, though p'r'aps you'd not like to wait here all that time. Ah, you don't want to wait a month, then please pay a penny all around, children half-price. Barney, collect the money, and point out the gemman what won't pay to the bull-dog; he's very hungry, not having been fed for a week, he'd relish a mean fellow now amazingly. (Money is easily collected). That ere animal, ladies and gents, is, as I said before, the helephant. It's so big in its natural state, that it takes two ships to bring one whole to this Island, and then its trunk is obliged to be sent by post. It's an animal of great sagacity, being addicted to squirt upon tailors, who are sure enough, ladies and gents, the most obstropulous of mankind. I give you my sacred honor, that only last night I ordered a snip of this place to send me a new pair of pantaloons home, and he would not leave them without the money. A dreadful proof of the depravity of tailors! And if the ninth part of a man be so great a waggabond, what must not an entire human critter be! It's so awful a question, that a man had better look at himself in the glass before he answers it. "The next animal, ladies and gentlemen, isn't a hannibal, it's a-hallo, Barney! where's the boa constructor? Oh, my eyes, ladies and gents, I'm sorry to tell you, that the boa constructor has escaped! It's a hawful brute! Swallows whole families-whole chairs and tables, too. Has been known to digest a fourpost bed. Ladies and gentlemen, Barney says he'll guarantee your safety for a shilling a head; if not, there's not one of you but what will be dewoured in the night! Only a shilling a head, to save your waluable lives! Barney, collect the money. If any gemman don't think himself worth a shilling, Barney, hand him over to the police as a waggabond." (Barney collects the money, crowd disperses.) A NEW JERSEY JUDGE. There is a scriptural simplicity about the following which is quite refreshing, and carries one back to antediluvian times: A distinguished member of the New York bar was retained on one occasion by a friend, also a New Yorker, to attend to a complaint made against him before a New Jersey justice, for an alleged assault and battery upon one of the residents of the "Old Jersey State." "I appear for the prisoner," said the counsellor to the modern Dogberry. "You abbers for the bris'ner, do you? And who den be you?" interrupted the justice, eyeing him from head to foot, with marked curiosity. "I ton't knows you; vair be's you come from, and vot's yer name?" The counsellor modestly gave his name, and said, "I am a member of the New York bar." "Vell, den," replied the justice, "you gan't bractis in dis here gort." "I am a counsellor of the Supreme Court of the State of New York," reiterated the attorney. "Dat makes not'ing tifferent," said the inveterate justice. Well, then," said the baffled lawyer, "suppose I show to your honor that I am a counsellor of the Supreme Court of the United States?" "It ton't make a pit petter," replied he of the ermine, "you ain't a counsellor von de State of New Jersey, and you gan't bractis in dish gort." This decision accounts for the fact that New Jersey is not in the United States! BEAU BRUMMEL. In the palmy days of George, Prince of Wales, there was a club, celebrated for its fashion and exclusiveness, numbering among its members the prince, Brummel, Sheridan, etc.; indeed, all were men of the first water in fashion, politics or litera ture. A vacancy occurring, Lord Deloraine, the famous duellist, applied for admission. Suspecting that his quarrelsome propensities might militate against him, he called upon every member the morning before that he should consider his rejection as a the ballot, and very plainly intimated personal affront, and demand satisfaction from every one severally, except the Prince of Wales, whose position as heir to the throne protected him. raine went to the club, sent up his card, You had better try again." "No use," returned the fop, "for there was not a white ball in the ballot; but pray wait. Allow me to ring." When the waiter appeared, Brummel said, coffee for two." Lord Deloraine stared Charles, bring me pistols and in silence. Beau Brummel said, "I beg your pardon, When the waiter brought the articles, Charles, but I have forgotten a dicebox." about the weather, the crops, and the During the interval Brummel talked most frivolous things, Lord Deloraine gazing at him with a severe expression of countenance. When the waiter brought the dice and the box, Brummel smiled at him, saying, "You can go. One of us will ring if we want you. I don't know which of us it will be; but one of us will ring." The waiter bowed and retired. Brummel then said, "I know you like coffee-so do I. When we have finished it, we will proceed to business." "So I am blackballed," hissed the duellist between his teeth. "Most certainly. Now, my dear Lord, as I am the challenged party, I claim the Here is a right of dictating the terms. pistol-here are dice. We will throw for the chance. In other respects we are quite equal. If you fall, you will leave a widow to mourn your death. If I perish, I will leave a disconsolate tailor to mourn my fate." The baffled bravo put down his cup and left the room. Brummel rejoined his friends, and when the story got around in the clubs, Lord Deloraine was so much annoyed that he went suddenly out of town. LOVE IS LIKE A DIZZINESS. I lately lived in quiet case, An' ne'er wish'd to marry, O! But when I saw my Peggy's face, I felt a sad quandary, O! Though wild as ony Athol deer, She has trepann'd me fairly, O! Her cherry cheeks an' een sae clear Torment me late an' early O! O, love, love, love! Love is like a dizziness; To tell my feats this single week I wear my stockings white an' blue, Ae morning, by the dawn o' day, I wrought that morning out an' out, Her wily glance I'll ne'er forget. The dear, the lovely blinkin o't Has pierced me through an' through the heart, An' plagues me wi' the prinkling o't. |