Page images
PDF
EPUB
[ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

MRS. BROWN ON A DOMESTIC DIFFICULTY. I Do say, and will say it agin, as them newspapers did ought to be persecuted, a-puttin' in them things agin anybody as can be proved false words any day to them as will take the trouble for to look into it, as the sayin' is; but there's the thing; as nobody won't do it, so they goes away with a downright story, as they'll repeat over and over agin, for the dog as can fetch can carry, as the sayin' is; but I'm sure that MRS. LANTRY to come in and tell me such a thing; as I says to 'er, your own senses, as she ain't got much on, might 'ave show'd you as that was foolishness, for to believe as BROWN was one as would go to do such a thing, as is out of all reason for to expect any man as ain't born to it to go about them places without their trousers, as is well for the Scotch, as is well known will go without anything, very as is, of course, a great savin', for I'm sure BROWN give two-andtwenty shillin's for 'is very last pair, as is things as is worth the money, for as to them sixteen shillin' rubbish, why they ain't worth the trouble of makin' up, though them young CORNWELLS comes the swell in 'em pretty loud of a Sunday. But as to BROWN, why they're a thing as he prides 'isself on, and as to going about without 'em at 'is time of life, he'd as soon take to knickerbockers; and though proud for to serve QUEEN VICTORIA as any one would be, I'm sure she's too much the lady for to ask it, though, in course, would look over it in them Scotch, as is only what any one must expect as goes among 'em, for I've 'eerd say as over there they ain't got no more on than them as you sees at snuff-shop doors, as well as I remembers a many when I was a gal, and some the size of life, and 'ave likewise seen a negro standin' as 'is only clothin' was leaves, as may be all very well in them countries where the sun don't never set, but in a high wind and sleet a-drivin' wherever would you be.

So I says to MRS. LANTRY, "Some one's been a-crammin' you up," as put her temper out. So she says, "Well, then, it's printed in the papers, as I can show you." So out she bounces and fetches me the paper, and there, sure enough, it was wrote, as BROWN, the QUEEN'S favorite gully, 'ad been drawed a 'olding of 'er pony without no trousers on. I thought I should 'ave dropped. "What! I says; "after all these years for to come to be nicknamed a gully!" "Yes," says MRS. LANTRY, "there's the picter on 'im to be seen, and 'is name is BROWN, sure enough."

Well, I was of that twitter, bless you, that I couldn't 'ardly set quiet, through a-knowin' as BROWN was once in the Custom House, as is under Government, one time, where he 'ad to open luggage as come from foreign parts, and afterwards in the Docks, a-lookin' to the tea; and now as he's a inspector over somethink as he never will explain, a-sayin' as I shouldn't understand it if he did; and then for to 'ave such things wrote on 'im in the papers, as he must 'ave done somethink for to bring it on.

MES. LANTRY she left me the paper and I thought as the time would never go, till just on nine when in comes my lord. So I says, "BROWN; things must be cleared up," I says, " or else I goes down to ELIZA and stops." He says, quite cool, "I wish as you would, for you've been a-talkin' on it till I'm tired of 'earin' you." I says, "That's right, turn on me now when I've seen my best days, and worked 'ard for you and yourn, and only fifty-three come November," though I think as my birthday falls in June, as would make me six months older. BROWN, he was takin' off 'is boots quite cool, and only stares at me ard, and says, "I'm blest if I don't think as you're a-gettin' weak in your mind, MARTHA." I says, "And enough to make me, when my own 'usband can let 'iself down to go about without 'is proper

coverin'."

I says,

So he says, "You are a-gettin' partikler, and I'm not a-goin' about without 'em, for I shall 'ave my slippers on in a instant.' "BROWN, I ain't a-illuding to your takin' off your boots, but," I says, "other things as I'm sure I wouldn't 'ave believed as you'd 'ave done in cold blood, and then to 'ave your picter took without 'em."

So by this time he'd got 'is slippers and was settin' down by the fire, as we in general 'as a bit on of a evenin' whenever the days begins to draw out, and he says, "Now, MRS. BROWN, what 'ave I been a-doin' on as is displeasin' of you ?" I says, "Read that there paper and ask your own conscience." Well, he takes and reads the paper as I'd give 'im, and says, "Well, what of that?" I says, "What of what? Do you mean as you're a gully, and that when you're out of my sight as you goes about without your under-garments in the broad daylight, and as to its bein' QUEEN WICTORIA as orders it I'll never believe it if you was to swear it."

[ocr errors]

policeman's 'ats and the soldiers' coats, and I thought as you'd get rheumatics as would stick to you till your dyin' day, as well I knowed warm water and a thorough draught under the door, as proves that a party myself as was bedridden all through a-settin' with 'is feet in nobody didn't ought to 'ave their limbs exposed."

go

I didn't say no more 'cos me and MRS. LANTRY 'ad agreed as we'd and see that picter as BROWN were in, and go we did the werry next day arter. It ain't often as I goes to them West End places, as is too full of lords and ladies for me, as pushes and drives you about for all the world like common people, and when we got to where that picter was showed, it was crowded and the 'eat regular bilin' of you.

I can't say as I cares much about picters myself, as I'd rather look silks and satins and welwets, and there was them Israelites in Egypt as at on the quiet, though there was some as was lovely painted in their I've often 'eard about, with that there FARER a-makin' slaves on 'em, and lashin' on 'em frightful, as well deserved what he got in the end 'isself, but law the scrougin' and jammin' were that dreadful as I says to MRS. LANTRY, "Stand it I can't."

I says, "I'll foller," and plunges arter 'er among them people as "Oh," she says, "you must see the picter, as is in the other room." pushed me about, and as to my feet, they seemed for to keep on a-kickin' at 'em for the purpose, as I do believe they did, or 'owever could they 'ave ketched me on a corn every time like that. At last I doorway, and if a young puppy didn't say, was a-gettin' that wild as I made a wiolent struggle to get through a "Make way for the elephant."

I was a-goin' to say somethink, when I 'eard a-somethink give way, and there was a young lady afore me in a musling gownd as I'd got my foot on unawares, and if she didn't walk on and leave best 'arf on it on the ground. She says, "It's really too bad to let such people Pray, Miss, are you in, as ain't fit for 'uman society." I says, illudin' to me?"

[ocr errors]

She didn't make no answer, but turned away 'er 'ead scornful; and jest then I come slap over some parties as was a-settin' on a form, as werry nigh knocked the breath out of my body, a-pushin' me off wiolent. I says to a old feller as I fell agin, "You must be a nice coward for to ketch a lone woman in the chest like that with your double fist." 66 Why," he says, "if you'd fell on me you'd 'ave crushed me." Jest then, MRS. LANTRY says, "Do come on," and jerks at me for to get up to the picter where BROWN was; but of all the wile deceptions it's like me, as I'm sure you won't ketch a gettin' on 'orse-back just as ever you see, it was that picter, no more like QUEEN WICTORIA than for to read a letter. Though it did look werry solemn, that picter, all in mournin', with the 'orse painted black, and the dogs all to match.

And

But as to its bein' BROWN's likeness, it's a swindle. I says to MRS. LANTRY, "I'll never believe a word them papers says no more." there ain't no doubt but that there party never didn't ought to 'ave been took in that undress; and I'm sure it's a downright insult, that's what it is, to say as that's BROWN, as I can prove easy, by 'is photygraph, as I've got at 'ome, took at Rosherville.

So on I walks, and glad I was to move on; and see such a lot of them picters as quite confused me, and I seemed rooted like to the spot; and a party says, "P'r'aps you'll let others see, if you can't admire nothink yourself." I says, "I ain't no objections, I'm sure, for," I says, "all I wants is to get out of the place, as is a deal too crowded for me." And if they was the loveliest picters as ever were drawed, I'm sure nobody couldn't see 'em proper; and what with the 'eat and the dust, I was pretty nigh stifled; and when we got 'ome, and told BROWN where I'd been, he busts out a-larfin', and says, "Well, if there wasn't no fools in the world the rogues would starve; but," he says, you ain't sich a reg'lar old flat as to 'ave believed as I was painted along with QUEEN WICTORIA."

[ocr errors]

"Well," I says, "somebody must 'old 'er 'orse's 'ead while she's WICTORIA Wouldn't 'ave nobody about 'er but a 'ighly respectable a-gettin' on, and why not you as well as anybody? as I'm sure QUEEN man; and as to 'is dress, why, of course, when she's in Scotland she does as the Scotlanders does; and if it's their ways not to wear none, QUEEN WICTORIA is a deal too much the lady for to illude to sich a subject; but," I says, "why ever they shove all them lovely picters into that stifly 'ole I can't think." So BROWN, he says, "'Cos it's a job; and they gets the place rent-free, and makes a werry good thing out on it, as they calls encouragin' hart."

"Ah," I says, "it's like their hurtful ways; but," I says, "not one on 'em should paint me, for the figger as they've been and made was 'er; but then we all knows as she's that kind as she'll allow anyQUEEN WICTORIA is a downright defamement as I wouldn't allow if I think, and that's 'ow it is as she gets imposed upon no doubt, bless 'art."

He says, "I only wish as I was that 'ere BROWN, I should glory in it." I thought drop I must. I says, "BROWN, you don't mean it ?" He says, "I do-why he's been a faithful servant to QUEEN WICTORIA'er 'ard on twenty years." "Well, then," I says, "why ever don't she allow him them clothes as is only common decent, and not let 'im go about that object; but I'm glad as it ain't you, for really when I heard say as there was a BROWN a-goin' about like that, I thought p'raps as there was some new regulations, as they're always a-makin', like the

A Racy Remedy.

EPSOM salts are generally recommended, but, on the Derby-day, the best Epsom fizzic is champagne.

[graphic][subsumed][merged small][merged small][subsumed]

Mamma :-" CHARLIE, I WAS VERY MUCH SHOCKED TO HEAR YOU SINGING 'POP GOES THE WEASEL' IN CHURCH."
Charlie:-"WELL, MAMMA, I SAW EVERYBODY WAS SINGING-AND IT WAS THE ONLY TUNE I KNEW."

[blocks in formation]

us go forth and join the joyous crowd. Of no solitary and recluse Hermit will we speak this day, but of that Hermit only, Peter, who drew together even a mightier multitude than that which is now hurrying to the course on Epsom Downs. He was born in the middle of the 11th century, was Hermit. Perhaps no horse has vacillated more conspicuously in the betting. On one single day, for instance, he could scarcely keep the same position five minutes together. At one time 12 to 1 was laid, then 1,000 to 100 was taken; but this investment, instead of improving his case, was followed up by the laying of 11 to 1, and finally one speculator offered to lay 100 to 9 five times. There was the same diversity of price in the place betting, 5 to 2 being accepted and 7 to 2 afterwards laid, the concluding transactions settling down to 3 to 1 taken and offered.

JULIUS. BY THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH. I can see no reason to

The

doubt that Cæsar, had the conditions of his time, moral, intellectual, social, approached more closely than they did to those of our own, would have viewed with interest and have encouraged with liberality contests such as that which now engrosses, on a wild heath in the comté of Surrey, the attention of civilized humanity-the attention, above all, of the two allied nations that are foremost in the civilizing march. (Memorandum to private Secretary. Let something be put on Julius for a place). Yes: the progress makes itself felt. Gladiator of the days of COMMODUS-is he not a barbarian, bleeding to death amid the dust of the arena? The Gladiateur of an epoch civilized by the fecund NAPOLEONIC idea, behold him in the beautiful racer who moves, with long elastic strides, over the green turf! (Memorandum to private Secretary. Ascertain COUNT F. DE LAGRANGE'S real opinion of Julius). At the latest period to which my personal investigations have extended, Julius was several times supported at 20 to 1, but to no great amount of money.

VAN AMBURGH. BY FRANK BUCKLAND. This extraordinary fellow, you know, used to go about with his head in a lion's mouth, or something of that sort. That was his style. Odd, wasn't it? Fairly entitles him, at any rate, to a place amongst the Curiosities of Natural History, only the present writer is much more agreeably employed

[ocr errors]
[graphic][subsumed][ocr errors][subsumed][ocr errors][merged small]

Sportsman in the foreground:-"AH, SHOWY LOOKING-THEY ARE! BUT, BLESS YE, WHEN ONCE WE'RE OFF THEY WON'T BE IN THE SAME FIELD WITH THIS LITTLE 'Oss."-(And very likely, too!)

just now. I see Van Amburgh has moved up in the betting, 50 to 1 still offered against him, though-P.S. He came with a rush to the position of third favourite after his defeat of Wroughton at the Bath meeting on Tuesday.

VAUBAN. BY COLONEL CHESNEY. This illustrious anim-engineer, I mean, was born in the Derby month, May, near Saulieu in Burgundy, in the year 1633 to 1. In the course of his long career, he superintended the repairs of 300 old fortresses and executed 33 new ones; he conducted 53 sieges, many of them under the eye of the king, and he was present at 140 vigorous actions. His most distinguished victory was gained at Newmarket, where he nobly won the Two Thousand Guineas. He had no constant or unvarying system in fortifying places-but who can think about fortifications at a time like this? It would be an insult to the intelligence of my military readers to do more than lay before them the latest quotations that have reached me; they are, 2 to 1 against Vauban, or 6 to 4 upon him for a place.

Momus's Derby Prophecy.

Say, who shall win the famous match?
The horse that cometh to the scratch
And proves himself the saving clause,
Securing all the world's applause.
The palm or whatsoe'er they term it
He'll carry off, so I'll affirm it,

For what he aims at he'll bring down,
And prove a conqueror of renown;
Of others' hopes he'll prove the knell,
And cross their every wish as well.
There is my tip!-Remember that
Fortuna fortes adjuvat!

A Query.

A CORRESPONDENT writes to ask whether he would be justified in describing a small horse chestnut as a cob nut. We should think nut.

DERBY DOUBTS.

How shall we go? by the rollicking road,
Or rough it by rail with its hurry skurry,
Shall we add to the weight of an omnibus load,
Or ramble across the fields of Surrey?

Is it better to dodge stones, filth and flour,
And empty bottles for soda-water,
Or suffer the wearisome heat an hour,

And spin past acres of bricks and mortar?
When we get there, shall we have to cadge,

For a glass of "fizz" and a tumbled luncheon? Shall we fight for a feminine ribbon or badge, Or fall by the blow of a peeler's truncheon? Shall we traverse a mystical maze of traps, In search of fun or a friendly fellow? If we take the odds on the "rose" perhaps, We shall stand to lose by the "black and yellow."

What shall we see? a runaway dog,

And men and monkeys that make grimaces, Some youngsters going the orthodox hog,

And, of course," an upturned sea of faces."
There may be a fountain of iced champagne,
For those who are ready to order a dozen,
There'll be many who lose and some who gain,
And ten to one there'll be some to cozen.

When we return shall we like the fun,
Or come disconsolate home to dinner,
Tell tales of the deeds we might have done,
And how we were told the certain winner?
Shall we think of the best way out of the mess,
Or brood on the sweet instead of the leaven?

I wonder if we shall have cause to bless

Or curse the Derby of Sixty-seven!

ARITHMETICAL.

Mr. Staighlace (propounding a problem in simple proportion) :-"I BAY, PINSEND, STRIKIN', I WONDER WHAT'D BE THE CONSERKENSE IF WE MEN WAS TO STRIKE!"

IF THEY MAKES SICH A TREMENJUS FUSS ABOUT THEM VULGAR FRACTIONS O'TAILORS

A Scandal on Civilization.

THE DUKE OF ARGYLL is the author of a work on "The Reign of Law," which is at present in its fourth edition. Whether his Grace has distributed the first three editions among his clansmen we are unable to say, but it is a fact that since the first publication of this work, in the pages of Good Words, three Circuit Courts of Justiciary have been held at Inverary (the noble author's ancestral seat) for the trial of criminals, but-terrible blacksliding, and disregard of "the good old rule the simple plan"-there was not a single criminal to try! Philanthropists and other weak-minded and sentimental individuals may rejoice at such an occurrence, but not so newspaper editors, who in the interest of their readers are very naturally indignant that they should be ruthlessly deprived of a source of so much interesting and entertaining reading as is afforded by the authentic records of the criminal courts. We quite concur in the following expression of opinion on the part of our contemporary, the Greenock Evening News: "Three successive circuits have met at Inverary without trying a single case, or having a solitary cause to try! We speak not of the expense of all this to the country; we say emphatically it is a scandal on the civilization and intelligence of the age in which we now live.

"Often circuits have met at Inveraray with all the array of judges, jurors, macers, messengers, clerks, clergy to open the Court with prayer, witnesses, part es and panels to try one sorry, petty, contemptible case. From all parts of the Highlands and islands in the dead of winter, as well as in harvest time, these jurors have been brought by sea and land, sometimes to try no case at all, and sometimes to try one case alone! What is this? Is it an injustice? It is at least a mockery, not of a very solemn kind either, if it be not a very costly crime.

If another Circuit Court should be held within the dominions of the

DUKE OF ARGYLL without a respectable array of criminals, we shall be forced to the adoption of a course which will have the effect of bringing his Grace's reign of law to a speedy termination. We commend our hint to his notice, and leave him for the present to the tender mercies of his neighbour, the indignant editor of the Greenock Evening

News.

[merged small][graphic][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]
[graphic]

THE

"The Favourite."

DERBY DAY:

A SONG OF 'SIXTY-SEVEN.

THE sillery, seltzer, and salads,

The beauteous ones betting in gloves,
The burden of barbarous ballads,
The lisping of lightest of loves.
The roar of the road to the races,
The tremor and toil of the train,
The flush on the fairest of faces
Hurrah! for the Derby again.
The dainty delights of the dinner,
That came in the carriage complete,
The wonderful whirl when the winner,
Flies in with the fleetest of feet;

So strong in his stride he outsteps 'em;
Can pen of poor poet explain,
The eager excitement of Epsom ?
Hurrah! for the Derby again,

Answers to Correspondents.

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.]

A CORRESPONDENT signs A. S. S. because "it is most unsuggestive"we should have thought the device suicidal-or at any rate that of an ass-assin'. W. M.-"The Amateur Chemist" would seem to be the work of an

amateur farce-writer. You asked for our opinion-and there it is.
E. L., Gloucester-terrace.-Sorry we cannot oblige.
A. E.-The idea was anticipated.

able unfortunately.
J. W., Camberwell-road.-Much obliged for the advice, but is not avail-

CAPTAIN E. EAST OUT-OF-THE-WAY.-Glad to hear from you!
J. T. M., Birmingham.-Thanks. We will see.

R. S., EVERTON.-Our correspondence is large, and you must wait your

turn.

S. S.-You (like a great many of our correspondents) give us a signature that is scarcely legible-or intelligible. We can't be sure whether you are a J. J. or a double S.

R. C., Montreal.-Thanks for letter, etc.

T. T. T.-We can't see why the Speaker's becoming a member of the Upper House makes him like a jackdaw. Though the peers often nod, their House is not a jackdawmitory.

W. M., Tollington-road. If that joke about the "shins of the people," etc., struck you last Sunday, you should have hit back. It is so old, you could easily beat it.

He may possibly claim

J. M.-"The Chemist" is under consideration. a place in our columns, by prescription. PHILOPEGMON.-A letter waits at your club. Vivian; F. C. B., Brighton; An Anxious Wife; S. W. T.; J. G., GuildDeclined with thanks-I. X. B.; A. W. H., Newman-street; F. H.; hall; F. W., Covent Garden; M. C. S.. Sheerness; S. R. T. G., WestonSuper-Mare; Jack; W. Y. B.; Pietro, Dublin; F. S.; J. M. S, Glasgow; F. E., Brighton; C. M.; Albion; Sterling; J. M. D., Birmingham.

« PreviousContinue »