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MRS. BROWN ON A DOMESTIC DIFFICULTY.

policeman's 'ats and the soldiers' coats, and I thought as you'd get I do say, and will say it agin, as them newspapers did ought to be rheumatics as would stick

to you till your dyin' day, as well I knowed persecuted, a-puttin' in them things agin anybody as can be proved warm water and a thorough draught under the door, as proves that

a party myself as was bedridden all through a-settin' with 'is feet in false words any day to them as will take the trouble for to look into nobody didn't

ought to 'ave their limbs exposed.' it, as the sayin' is ; but there's the thing; as nobody won't do it, so

I didn't say no more 'cos me and Mrs. LANTRY ’ad agreed as we'd they goes away with a downright story, as they'll repeat over and over agin, for the dog as can fetch can carry, as the sayin' is; but I'm go and see that picter as Brown were in, and

go we did the werry next sure that Mrs. LANTRY to come in and tell me such a thing; as I says full of lords and ladies for me, as pushes and drives you about for all

day arter. It ain't often as I goes to them West End places, as is too to 'er, your own senses, as she ain't got much on, might ’ave show's the world like common people, and when we got to where that picter you as that was foolishness, for to believe as BROWN was one as would

was showed, it was crowded and the 'eat regular bilin' of you. go to do such a thing, as is out of all reason for to expect any man as ain't born to it to go about them places without their trousers, as is at on the quiet, though there was some as was lovely painted in their

I can't say as I cares much about picters myself, as I'd rather look very well for the Scotch, as is well known will go without anything, silks and satins and welwets, and there was them Israelites in Egypt as as is

, of course, a great savin', for I'm sure BROWN give two-and- I've often 'eard about, with that there FARER a-makin' slaves on 'em, twenty shillin's for 'is very last pair, as is things as is worth the and lashin' on 'em frightful, as well deserved what he got in the end money, for as to them sixteen shillin' rubbish, why they ain't worth 'isself, but law the scrougin' and jammin' were that dreadful as I says the trouble of makin' up, though them young CORNWELL8 comes the to MRS. LÅNTRY, “ Stand it I can't.” swell in 'em pretty loud of a Sunday. But as to Brown, why they're a thing as he prides 'isself on, and as to going about without 'em at I says, “ I'll foller," and plunges arter 'er among them people as

"Oh,” she says, “ you must see the picter, as is in the other room." 'is time of life, he'd as soon take to knickerbockers; and though proud pushed me about, and as to my feet, they seemed for to keep on for to serve Queen VICTORIA as any one would be, I'm sure she's too a-kickin' at 'em for the purpose, as I'do believe they did, or ’owever much the lady

for to ask it, though, in course, would look over it in could they 'ave ketched me on a corn every time like that. At last I them Scotch, as is only what any one must expect as goes among 'em, for I've 'eerd say as over there they ain't got no more on than them doorway, and if a young puppy didn't say,

was a-gettin' that wild as I made a wiolent struggle to get through a

“Make way for the as you sees at snuff-shop doors, as well as I remembers a many when

elephant." I was a gal, and some the size of life, and ’ave likewise seen a negro

I was a-goin' to say somethink, when I 'eard a-somethink give standin' as 'is only clothin' was leaves, as may be all very well in them countries where the sun don't never set, but in a high wind and way, and there was a young lady afore me in a musling gownd as l'a sleet a-drivin' wherever would you be.

got my foot on unawares, and if she didn't walk on and leave best 'arf

on it on the ground. She says, “It's really too bad to let such people So I says to Mrs. LANTRY," Some one's been a-crammin' you up, as put her temper out. So she says, “Well, then, it's printed in the in; as, ain't fit for ’uman society." I says, “Pray, Miss, are you

' papers, as I can show you.” So out she bounces and fetches me the

She didn't make no answer, but turned away 'er 'ead scornful; and paper, and there, sure enough, it was wrote, as BROWN, the Queen's favorite gully, 'ad been drawed a 'olding of 'er pony without no trousers jest

then I come slap over some parties as was 8-settin' on a form, as

werry nigh knocked the breath out of my body, a-pushin' me off on. I thought I should 'ave dropped. " What! " I says; “after all these years for to come to be nick coward for to ketch a lone woman in the chest like that with your

wiolent. I says to a old feller as I fell agin, “You must be a nice named a gully!” "Yes," says Mrs. LANTRY, “there's the picter on double fist." “Why,” he says, “if you'd fell on me you'd ’ave 'im to be seen, and 'is name is BROWN, sure enough."

crushed me.” Well, I was of that twitter, bless you, that I couldn't 'ardly set

Jest then, Mrs. LANTRY says, “Do come on," and jerks at me for to quiet, through a-knowin' as BROWN was once in the Custom House, as

get up to the picter where BROWN was; but of all the wilo deceptions is under Government, one time, where he 'ad to open luggage as come from foreign parts, and afterwards in the Docks, a-lookin' to the tea; it's like me, as I'm sure you won't ketch a gettin' on 'orse-back just

as ever you see,

it was that picter, no more like QUEEN WICTORIA than and now as he's a inspector over somethink as he never will explain, for to read a letter. Though it did look werry solemn, that picter, all a-sayin' as I shouldn't understand it if he did; and then for to ’ave in mournin', with the 'orse painted black, and the dogs all to match. such things wrote on 'im in the papers, as he must ’ave done some

But as to its bein' BROWN's likeness, it's a swindle. I says to Mrs. think for to bring it on.

And Mas. LANTRY she left me the paper and I thought as the time would there ain't no doubt but that there party never didn't ought to 'ave

LANTRY, “I'll never believe a word them papers says no more.' never go, till just on nine when in comes my lord. So I says, “ Brown, been took in that undress; and I'm sure it's a downright insult, that's things must be cleared up,” I says, or elee I goes down to Eliza and stope.”... He says, quite cool, “I wish as you would, for you've been what it is

, to say as that's Brown, as I can prove easy, by 'is photyA-talkin' on it till I'm tired of 'earin' you." I says, " That's right, graph, as I've

got at 'ome, took at Rosherville. turn on me now when I've seen my best days, and worked 'ard for them picters

as quite confused me, and I seemed rooted like to the spot;

So on I walks, and glad I was to move on; and see such a lot of you and yourn, and only fifty-three come November," though I think and a party says, “ P'r’aps you'll let others seo, if you can't admire as my birthday falls in June, as would make me six months older.

nothink yourself." I says, “I ain't no objections, I'm sure, for," I Brown, he was takin' off 'is boots quite cool, and only stares at me

says, 'ard, and says, “I'm blest if I don't think as you're a-gettin' weak in for me." And if they was the loveliest pieters as ever were drawed,

“all I wants is to get out of the place, as is a deal too crowded your mind, MARTHA.”. I says, “And enough to make me, when my I'm sure nobody couldn't see 'em proper; and what with the 'eat and own 'usband can let 'iself down to go about without ’is proper the dust, I was pretty nigh stifled; and when we got ’ome, and told coverin'." So he says, “ You are a-gettin' partikler, and I'm not a-goin' about there wasn't no fools in the world the rogues would starve ; but,” he

BROWN where I'd been, he busts out a-larfin', and says, “Well, if without 'em, for I shall 'ave my slippers on in a instant. I

says, "Brown, I ain't a-illuding to your takin' off your boots, bat;” I says, painted along with Queen WICTORIA.”

says, “ you ain't sich a regʻlar old flat as to 'ave believed as I was other things as I'm sure I wouldn't ’ave believed as you'd ’ave done

Well,” I says, “ somebody must 'old 'er 'orse's 'ead while she's in cold blood, and then to 'ave your picter took without'em." So by this time he'd got 'is slippers and was settin' down by the WICTORIA wouldn't ave nobody about 'er but a 'ighly respectable

a-gettin' on, and why not you as well as anybody ? as I'm sure QUEEN fire, as we in general 'as a bit on of a evenin' whenever the days

begins man; and as to 'is dress, why, of course, when she's in Scotland she to draw out, and he says, "Now, Mrs. Brown, what ’ave I been does as the Scotlanders does; and if it's their ways not to wear none, a-doin' on as is displeasin' of you p" I says, “ Read that there paper QUEEN WICTORIA is a deal too much the lady for to illude to sich a and ask your own conscience." Well, he takes and reads the paper as I'd give 'im, and says, “Well, that stifly 'ole I can't think.” So Brown, he says, “'Cos it's a job;

subject; but," I says, “why ever they shove all them lovely picters into what of that?" I says, “What of what? Do you mean as you're a and they gets the place rent-free, and makes a werry good thing out gully, and that when you're out of my sight as you goes about with

on it, as they calls encouragin' hart." out your under-garments in the broad daylight, and as to its bein' “Ah," I says, “it's like their hurtful ways; but," I says, "not one QUEEN WICTORIA as orders it I'll never believe it if you was to

on 'em should paint me, for the figger as they've been and made swear it." He says, “I only wish as I was that 'ere Brown, I should glory in Was'er ; but then we all knows as she's that kind as she'll allow any

QUEEN WICTORIA is a downright defamement as I wouldn't allow if I it.” I thought drop I must. I says, “ Brown, you don't mean it ?” | think, and that's 'ow it is as she gets imposed upon no doubt, bless He says, “I do—why he's been a faithful servant to Queen WICTORIA 'ard on twenty years."

'er 'art." "Well, then," I says, “why ever don't she allow him them clothes as is only common decent, and not let ’im go about that object; but I'm glad as it ain't you, for really when I heard

A Racy Remedy. say as there was a Brown a-goin' about like that, I thought p'raps as Epsom salts are generally recommended, but, on the Derby-day, the there was some new regulations, as they're always a-mašin', like the best Epsom fizzic is champague.

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DOING HIS BEST.
Mamma :-"CHARLIE, I WAS VERY MUCH SHOCKED TO HEAR YOU SINGING "POP GOES THE WEASEL' IN CHURCH."
Charlie :-"WELL, MAMMA, I BAW EVERYBODY WAS SINGING—AND IT WAS THE ONLY TUNE I KNEW."

OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.

us go forth and join the joyous crowd. Of no solitary and recluse By Most OF OUR EMINENT AUTHORS.

Hermit will we speak this day, but of that Hermit only, Peter, who

drew together even a mightier multitude than that which is now DERBY NUMBER.

hurrying to the course on Epsom Downs. He was born in the middle GLYNDWR, OWAIN. BY CHARLES Knight. This distinguished out of the 11th century, was Hermit. Perhaps no horse has vacillated sider was born in Merionethshire, in the year 1,000 to 5—or, rather, more conspicuously in the betting. On one single day, for instance, about the year 1349. The historic muse delights in the recital of his he could scarcely keep the same position five minutes together. At wild exploits amid the craigs and deep ravines of Wales. She sees him one time 12 to 1 was laid, then 1,000 to 100 was taken; but this raise the banner of the Dragon and the Star, the fiery cognisance of investment, instead of improving his case, was followed up by the Uther—the Dragon is now at 4 to 1 for a place. She listens with laying of il to 1, and finally one speculator offered to lay 100 to 9 rapture to the SHAKESPERIAN strain that speaks of

five times. There was the same diversity of price in the place betting, “ Noble MORTIMER

5 to 2 being accepted and 7 to 2 afterwards laid, the concluding Leading the men of Herefordshire to fight Against the irregular and wild GLENDOWER."

transactions settling down to 3 to 1 taken and offered.

JULIUB. BY THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH. I can see no reason to His being "irregular and wild,” is much against him on a crowded doubt that Cæsar, had the conditions of his time, moral, intellectual, course like that at Epsom. How beautifully SHAKESPBARE tells the social, approached more closely than they did to those of our own, story: “ When on the gentle Severn's sedgy bank

would have viewed with interest and have encouraged with liberality He did confound the best part of an hour

contests such as that which now engrosses, on a wild heath in the In changing hardiment with great GLENDOWER;

comté of Surrey, the attention of civilized humanity—the attention, Three times they breathed, and three times did they drink,

above all, of the two allied nations that are foremost in the civilizing Upon agreement, of sweet Severn's flood." We shall want to drink more than three times on this eventful day, Julius for a place).

march. (Memorandum to private Secretary. Let something be put on

Yes: the progress makes itself felt. The my friends! The horse, however, is sure to run upon the square, Gladiator of the days of COMMODUS—is he not a barbarian, bleeding which is a comfort; for what says gentle SHAKESPEARE ?

to death amid the dust of the arena ? The Gladiateur of an epoch “ Cousin, of many men

civilized by the fecund NAPOLEONIC idea, behold him in the beautiful I do not bear these crossings."

racer who moves, with long elastic strides, over the green turf! The bard also makes OWEN defy any one to

(Memorandum to private Secretary. Ascertain Count F. DE LAGRANGE's “Hold me pace in deep experiment."

real opinion of Julius). At the latest period to which my personal And with that noble SHAKESPERIAN instinct which was indeed pro- investigations have extended, Julius was several times supported at phetic, he causes GLENDOWER to exclaim, in obvious allusion to betting 20 to 1, but to no great amount of money. at the post,

VAN AMBURGH. By Frank BUCKLAND. This extraordinary fellow, “ By this, our book is drawn; we will but seal (query scale'?),

you know, used to go about with his head in a lion's mouth, or someAnd then-to horse immediately!"

thing of that sort. That was his style. Odd, wasn't it? Fairly HERMIT. BY THE SHADE OF ZIMMERMANN (COMMUNICATED). This entitles him, at any rate, to a place amongst the Curiosities of Natural is not a day to talk of solitude, when every instinct of humanity tids History, only the present writer is much more agreeably employed

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A REMINISCENCE OF LAST SEASON.
Sportsman in the foreground :-"AH, SHOWY LOOKING-THEY ARB!. BUT, BLESS YE, WHEN ONCE WE'RE OFF THEY WON'T BE
SAME FIELD WITH THIS LITTLE oss.”—(And very likely, too !)

IN THB

just now. I see Van Amburgh has moved up in the betting, 50 to 1 still offered against him, though-P.S. He came with a rush to the position of third favourite after his defeat of Wroughton at the Bath meeting on Tuesday.

VAUBAN. BY COLONEL CHESNEY. This illustrious anim-engineer, I moan, was born in the Derby month, May, near Saulieu in Burgundy, in the year 1633 to 1. In the course of his long career, he superintended the repairs of 300 old fortresses and executed 33 now ones; he conducted 53 sieges, many of them under the eye of the king, and he was present at 140 vigorous actions. His most distinguished victory was gained at Newmarket, where he nobly won the Two Thousand Guineas. He had no constant or unvarying system in fortifying places—but who can think about fortifications at a time like this? It would be an insult to the intelligence of my military readers to do more than lay before them the latest quotations that have reached me; they are, 2 to 1 against Vauban, or 6 to 4 upon him for a place.

Momus's Derby Prophecy. Say, who shall win the famous match ? The horse that cometh to the scratch And proves himself the saving clause, Securing all the world's applause. The palm or whatsoe'er they term it He'll carry off, so I'll affirm it, For what he aims at he'll bring down, And prove a conqueror of renown; of others' hopes he'll prove the knell, And cross their every wish as well. There is my tip!—Remember that Fortuna fortes adjuvat!

DERBY DOUBTS. How shall we go ? by the rollicking road,

Or rough it by rail with its hurry skurry,
Shall we add to the weight of an omnibus load,

Or ramble across the fields of Surrey ?
Is it better to dodge stones, filth and flour,

And empty bottles for soda-water,
Or suffer the wearisome heat an hour,

And spin past acres of bricks and mortar ? When we get there, shall we have to cadge,

For a glass of “ fizz" and a tumbled luncheon ? Shall we fight for a feminine ribbon or badge,

Or fall by the blow of a peeler's truncheon ?
Shall we traverse a mystical maze of traps,

In search of fun or a friendly fellow ?
If we take the odds on the “rose" perhaps,

We shall stand to lose by the “black and yellow.” What shall we see ? a runaway dog,

And men and monkeys that make grimaces, Some youngsters going the orthodox hog,

And, of course, “ an upturned sea of laces." There may be a fountain of iced champagne,

For those who are ready to order a dozen, There'll be many who lose and some who gain,

And ten to one there'll be some to cozen. When we return shall we like the fun,

Or come disconsolate home to dinner, Tell tales of the deeds we might have done,

And how we were told the certain winner ? Shall we think of the best way out of the mess,

Or brood on the sweet instead of the leaven? I wonder if we shall have cause to bless

Or curse the Derby of Sixty-seven !

A Query. A CORRESPONDENT writes to ask whether he would be justified in describing a small horse chestnut as a cob nut. We should think nut.

THE FAVOURITE.
'Twas on a dewy morn in May,
That I o'erheard an old man say,
“ The odds upon a horse I'll lay,

• The Favourite."
His vest was thin his coat was torn,
Why did he then on that May morn,
So bet upon, with voice forlorn,

"The Favourite ?"
And then I heard the mighty cheer,
The line of horses swept anear,
And still he murmured in mine ear,

“ The Favourite."
Next day I saw that seedy man,
But, lo! the ancient bloke began
To blossom,—still his burden ran,

" The Favourite."
A new cravat adorned his throat,
He wore a most resplendent coat,
Since in a little book he wrote

" The Favourite,"
This is the moral of my song,
Though "dark'uns" and the "field" be strong,
Put the pot on (you can't do wrong)

The Favourite."

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THE DERBY DAY:

A SONG OF 'Sixty-SEVEN.
The sillery, seltzer, and salads,

The beauteous ones betting in gloves,
The burden of barbarous ballads,

The lisping of lightest of loves.
The roar of the road to the races,

The tremor and toil of the train,
The flush on the fairest of faces

Hurrah! for the Derby again.
The dainty delights of the dinner,

That came in the carriage complete,
The wonderful whirl when the winner,

Flies in with the fleetest of feet;
So strong in his stride he outsteps 'em;

Can pen of poor poet explain,
The eager excitement of Epsom?

Hurrah! for the Derby again.

ARITHMETICAL.
Mr. Staighlace (propounding a problem in simple proportion) :-"I BAY, PINBEND,
IF THEY MAKES SICH A TREMENJUS FUSS ABOUT THEM VULGAR FRACTIONS OʻTAILORS
BTRIKIN', I WONDER WHAT'D BE THE CONSERKENNE IF WE MEN WAS TO STRIKE !"

A Scandal on Civilization.

Inswers to Correspondents. THE DUKE OF ARGYLL is the author of a work on "The Reign of Law,” which is at present in its fourth edition. Whether his Grace [We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied has distributed the first three editions among his clansmen we are by a stamped and directed envelope.] unable to say, but it is a fact that since the first publication of this A CORRESPONDENT signs A. S. S. because “it is most unsuggestive"work, in the pages of Good Words, three Circuit Courts of Justiciary we should have thought the device suicidal—or at any ra that of an have been held at Inverary (the noble author's ancestral seat) for the ass-assin'.

W. M.-" The Amateur Chemist" would seem to be the work of an trial of criminals, but-terrible blacksliding, and disregard of "the good old rule the simple plan”—there was not a single criminal to amateur farco-writer. You asked for our opinion

and there it is, try! Philanthropists and other weak-minded and sentimental indivi

E. L., Gloucester-terrace. —Sorry we cannot oblige.

A. E.-The idea was anticipated. duals may rejoice at such an occurrence, but not so newspaper editors, who in the interest of their readers are very naturally indignant that able unfortunately.

J. W., Cauberwell-road.-Much obliged for the advice, but is not availthey should be ruthlessly deprived of a source of so much interesting CAPTAIN E. EAST OUT-OF-THE-WAY.-Glad to hear from you! and entertaining reading as is afforded by the authentic records of the J. T. M., Birmingham.—Thanks. We will see. criminal courts. We quite concur in the following expression of R. S., EVERTON.–Our correspondence is large, and you must wait your opinion on the part of our contemporary, the Greenock Evening News : turn. “Three successive circuits have met at Inverary without trying a single case, or

S. S.—You (like a great many of our correspondents) give us a signature having a solitary cause to try! We speak pot of the expense of all this to the

that is scarcely legible-or intelligible. We can't be sure whether you are a country; we say emphatically it is a scandal on the civilization and intelligence of J.J. or a double s. the age in which we now live.

R. C., Montreal.—Thanks for letter, etc. “Often circuits have met at Inveraray with all the array of judges, jurors, T. T.'T.–We can't see why the Speaker's becoming a member of the macers, messengers, clerks, clergy to open the Court with prayer, witnesses, part es Upper House makes him like a jackdaw. Though the peers often nod, their and panels to try one sorry, petty, cmtemptible case. From all parts of the High: House is not a jackdawmitory: lunds and islands in the dead of winter, as well as in harvest time, these jurors have been brought by sea and land, sometimes to try no case at all, and sometimes to try

W. M., Tollington-road. If that joke about the "shins of the people," one case alone! What is this? Is it an injustice? It is at least a mockery, not etc, struck you last Sunday, you should have hit back. It is so old, you of a very solemn kind either, if it be not a very costly crime.

could easily beat it. If another Circuit Court should be held within the dominions of the J. M.-i The Chemist" is under consideration. He may possibly claim DUKE OF ARGYLL without a respectable array of criminals, we shall be a place in our columns, by prescription. forced to the adoption of a course which will have the effect of bring

PHILOPÆGMON.-A letter waits at your club. ing his Grace's reign of law to a speedy termination. We commend Vivian ; F. C. B., Brighton ; An Anxious Wife; S. W. T.; J. G., Guild

Declined with thanks—I. X. B.; A. W. H., Newman-street; F. H.; our hint to his notice, and leave him for the present to the tender ball; F. W., Covent Garden ; M. C. S.. Sheerness; S. R. T. G.,

Weston. mercies of his neighbour, the indignant editor of the Greenock Evening Super-Mare; Jack; W. Y.B.; Pietro, Dublin; F.'S.; J. M. S, Glasgow; News.

F. E., Brighton; C. M.; Albion; Sterling; J. M.D., Birmingham.

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