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You have trifled with the ham;
Flanked by crystal pots of jam.
Charming morning nymph is she;
Makes your coffee or your tea.
Were your nerves not strong and stout;
Of the fluid she deals out?
Sagest judge the man to fine!
To his conscience, I opine.
Distressing Suicide. The journalistic world was thrown into a state of intense excitement the other day by the discovery that a newspaper had cut its own throat some week or so before. It is sad to hear a little time's done for a Little Times.
Out on ye! The habit of self-denial is exercised more frequently by the“ upper ten " than by any other class of society. How often are they “ not at home" to undesirable visitors!
First Gent :-“I BAY, BILL; WHAT DOES SHE MBAN BY CALLING HER DOG
FROM OUR STALL.
Answers to Correspondents. Mr. Tom Taylor's Antipodes ; or, the Ups and Downs of Life is a piece of patchwork: the first act, which is placed in England, reminds [We cannot return rejected M$S. or sketches unless they are accompanied us vividly of Flying Scud, and the remainder of the drama, which is by a stamped and directed envelope.] placed in Australia, reminds us more vividly still of It is Never Too Fishy.—We have read your lines “1 would I were a fish” very carefully Late to Mend. Nearly all the characters are unpleasant people ; not and, if you think, as you say, even the hero and heroine can excite much interest as to what becomes
“Without a thought, of them, and the other folks might be swept off the stage by artillery
There's nought 80 sweet as this," for all that the audience cares. The play is much too long-a fault you ought to be happy-for no thought detracts from the sweetness of your which is not atoned for by the character of its dialogue. Here and versification. You can't play your fish in verse-try music, the scales
would assist you. there, to be sure, the author gives us a good thing, but the talking is
The author of “a cruel and heartless epigram" is informed that it is generally unrelieved, and consequently tiresome. Everybody meets lacking in point and pungency as well as in kindliness and heart. everybody else at Melbourne in a wildly improbable manner; and a “ LETTERS FROM HIGHLAND LATITUDES.”—The breadth of the humour nest of nuggets is discovered by about three strokes of the pick-axe in is not equal to the longitude of the copy. a way that rather excites our incredulity. The piece was well played, J. B., London.—We cannot see that the hot weather is any excuse particularly by Mrs. WATTS (née Miss E. TERRY) and MR. E. Price, (though you plead it) for the contemptible nonsense you send—the weather who are new to the patrons of the Holborn ; the lady is ladylike and may bo hot-we want no rubbish (s)hot here. the gentleman gentlemanly. MR. EMERY acted with considerable W. B. sends us some "jokes” which he labels “ Believe unanticipated." vigour, but fell short in the matter of pathos. The part of Clinch, a Well, we have had some experience, but we never anticipated such nondetective, was quietly and effectively rendered by Mr. R. THORNE.
sense as this. Some admirable scenery has been painted for the drama by MESSRS.
G. W., Nottingham.-Our opinion does not coincide with yours. TELBIN and HALL; the views of Canvas Town and Dead Man's Gully
C. C. R.,—Your ode to a “hashed dace" isn't even dace-ntly passable.
“ A CANNY Scot."— Try a canna Scot.” are very striking. The piece must be cut a good deal before it can Declined with thanks, "An Incident in the City;" An Indignant be listened to with patience: its reception on the first night was de- Parson; S. B.; W. Phlor; W. S. B., Old Square;
R. S., Tottenham; cidedly of a mixed kind.
A. B., Derby; N. B.; X. X. X.; H. E. V. D.; Philopægmor; Julia;
A Contributor (signature illegible), 39,
Morton-road; V. J. D. ; Diego; Fitz-Ivan; F. E. T., Eastcheap; Gmos; The Australian settlers look forward with such pleasure to setting Birmingham, W.J. 1. ; C. F., Bolton; C. P. V., East Moalsey; A Rural
Miss J., Rugby-road, Leamington; J. H. S., Commercial-road; J. B., eyes on the healthy English complexions of the female immigrants, that Volunteer ; G. E. Y., City-road; J. F. M.; Hold Tight, Hackney-road; they may be said to have entirely shaken off their natural prejudice E. A. J.; Etak ; J.M. G., Glasgow; W. G. C, Poplar ; W. B. 8.; J. V., to Řye faces.
Castle-street, Dublin; c. C., King's College; Ap Ivan.
THE PARIS EXHIBITION.
he takes I should say, as SAMUEL BROTHERS wouldn't get much to make OUTSIDE OF THE ENGLISH RESTORATION, his clothes by contract, except he was a advertisin' medium. Well, PARIS, FRANCE.
when he'd gone by I missed Bob, and after goin' all round the buildin'
which the outside ring (it's like one o' them Chinese carved balls, the Dear ’LIZA,–Excuse this bein' wrote in pencil, but blest if I haven't Expose-ition is) is devoted to the feed of all nations, I sees some English gone an' lost Bos. Not as he's defunk, but there ain't no getting of spellin' on one of the places, and there was a crowd a-pressing round him away from this place which is emigrated from Ludgate-hill, and a bar, and Bob a-goin' on that shameful as I was reg'lar took aback, sells pale ale : and of all the gals— well, there the least said's the with a heap o' Frenchmen a-listening to his goings on and him larfin' soonest mended, as the City solicitor used to say when father wanted and talkin' to a barmaid, with a tankard o' bitter as I drunk myself to compensation for the glass that was broke at a Committee in the save appearances. It is now Saturday night, and Bob's been at the Guildhall arter a shampaign lunch, The fact is that it was that Tuney's English bar which is emigrated from Ludgate station ever since Thursday, corfy as did it, as I should say had opium or somethink in it, for Boba-sleepin' on two chairs as he's concessioned for twelve francs a day, was that regʻlar mad as what do you think he done? There's a creetur and says it's too hot to go home to the street of the little stables. The here as is 'dizened out like a pet of the ballot at the Grecian, as calls johndamms is a-tryin' to wake him up constant, but he shied his boots herself the French for flower-gal, an' sells nosegays for five francs at one of em' and swore as nothink should separate him from Britannia apiece, leastways that was what she charged Bob for a rose as I'd have the pride of the ocean, which he means the young person as I hear is bought many a time in Bartholomew-lane for threepence, but bless the toast of the place under the name of— well, I ain't a-goin' to you he give in to her like nothink, as was got up with what they call write her name, but I've heard her called FREDERIKA, as Bob will act here a coughewer, as means a lady's own head of hair, and things that like Don QUICK SETT and has christened her FREKILLINA, though that short as showed her Hessian boots, torsals an' all, like the gentleman as may be a sort of pronunciation brought about by refreshments. I used to go about in a pigtail in Fenchurch-street when the Queen of ain't seen no more than the outside of the Exhibition as yet, but if Spain's soldier used to sweep the crossin' at the corner. BOB was Bob ain't more amiable to reason to-morrow I shall hire a Bath chair always a soft one, but little did I think to see him so took in as not to and have him carted away to the pianoforte department amongst the recognize her as the lady as come out in a style à l'Emperortrees after musical instruments, for the Bath chairmen don't go nowhere else, and office hours, which she exchanges her dress regʻlar, and comes out a there's no refreshments to be got in that department.--Yours, swell just like the crossin' sweeper aforesaid which dressed in a suit of
SAM TROTTLE. black an'a gold chain o' Sundays. Worse than that, just as BoB ought to have stuck up for old England he goes and gives eleven francs for a bloom, for who should come along but a couple of distinguished parties
Putting a Different complexion on it. as their names is in the Prayer Book every Sunday, a-follerin' a broad, A NEGRO, living in Lee County, Georgia, has killed his daughter, bumptious gentleman as looked a beadle in private costume every inch on aged eighteen, for walking out with a young black man of the neighhim; as I afterwards heard it was MR. COLE, C.B., which if it don't bourhood. His defence is that as she was only eighteen she had no mean Considerable Bumptious, it ought to, that's all
. I never did see right to be a-lovin', and that the arguments for the union of the young nothing like the walk of that party, out of the dancin' academy as we people were utterly illogical, since two blacks cannot become one used to go to in Bloomfield-btreet, Finsbury, not off the stage. He seemed wight. This is the line of defence—the line of the prosecution will to be swelled to twice his nateral size, and
was a reg'lar King of the
'ole probably be a hempen one with a halter at one end of it. place, while the P. of W. and the D. or E. they walked behind him as though they was two of the three fiddlers in waitin', an' the john
Rights of Common. damms and the confounded foreigners and the English looked as though The only fee'd that is allowed on Doctors' Commons, must, we prehe was the British Constitution bound in cloth, an' a good deal of cloth sume, be a duly qualified practitioner.
A MODERN PYGMALION.
Fast for the night,
Someone's in sight.
I've but to walk,
Someone to talk.
Worried to death.
Pleased with myself.
There, on the shelf.
Who, as they say,
Out of some clay!
Still all the same.
Out of a frame.
A GOLDEN LETTER.- El Dorado.
THE INDIA-RUBBER EAR QUESTION.
OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
because he must make a dissyllable of " fire," and immediately sees a WE HAVB a heap of books lying before us which wait notice, and reason for Tennyson's must have it too ere the magazines come. First comes “May Day
Music that gentlier on the spirit lies and other Poems," by EveRSO.x, published by Messrs. ROUTLEDGE
Than tir'd eyelids upon tir'd eyes. a book we need not recommend, for all EMERSON writes is worth read. Now Tennyson ought to be ashamed of himself, in our humble opinion, ing. Next, Messrs. CHAPMAN AND Hall's “ CHARLES DICKENS" for cutting out the mute "e" in verbs like "tire" or "aspire," though edition of Pickwick-another book that needs no recommendation, he may (to help the unrhythmical ear) do so with “minister'd” where save cheapness, the only thing wanted hitherto to make the book the verb has no final “e" mute. This is en parenthèse—to return to universal." Then Lilliput Levee (Srrahan). That's a book we could the question: if, as the P. M. G. critic suggests, "tired” is to be prolinger over, and wander back to childhood :—the book of a man of nounced " tierd," why should not "fire" be pronounced “ fier ?” The genius who is at home with the children as only a man of genius-or fact is that the P. M. G. talks nonsense. There's nothing gained" a fool can be :-a delightful book, full of poetry which will touch young by saying "tierd" any more than by saying "fier-fly," but the critic had and old alike. After this comes a series of " People of Paris," by F. | not the courage to say that the Laureate had not for the first timeBARNARD, published by Messrs. BARNARD, of Oxford-street. The descended to a cockneyism, but that that is no reason why minor pencil of Me. BARNARD is familiar to the readers of Fun, and when we poets should follow him. Genius may overleap rules, but mere talent say it has seldom done better work, they will see how much that must abide by them, and this maxim as regards poets and versifiers is
Messrs. Johnson's latest edition of their “ Guide to the Paris as the laws of the Medes and Persians.
Six to Four. law against certain of the Boilers clique. Is it not charming that the The Factory Acts must be considered as only Unsatis-factory Acts if Commissioner for England should so disgrace us by pettifogging that such an advertisement as the following is permitted by law:he is to be called to account by the very people
whose interest he was WANTED TO ENGAGE a smal; aedive BOY, four to six years of age.—Apply to supposed to guard ! Oh, Fine Arts, what jobbery is perpetrated in
your name Once more we are at variance with our esteemed friend the Pall Mall are born if this sort of thing is allowed. Fancy a lawyer advertising
We shall have speculative tradesmen engaging workmen before they a mere difference of opinion this time. The P. M. has been review- for an articled clerk “ aged six months, who has cut his eye-teeth,” or ing M188 IngeLow's latest poem, and notes "a bad rhyme" and a telegraphic companies demanding children of two " who can run alone very bad one, viz., “ abroad ” and “board,” which we should not call
-on errands.” “No doubt the Horse Guards will take the hint and in a rhyme at all, but then we don't write for the P. M. The critic says the present dearth of recruits will begin to enlist children in arms. he mentions this lest others should get cheap fun out of it :-we can't see a subject for fun in it, but a reason to regret that a lady, who can write as Miss INGELOW does, is so lamentably deficient in ear as to let such
Post-ob(it) vious. “ rhyme " pass. But that's not our point at present. Our quarrel with An ambitious father is anxious to know if his son, by his having the critic is that he says he cannot scan Miss INGELOW's line :- succeeded to the command of a mail steamer, is entitled to the rank of Fortunate countr.es of the fire-fly,
a post captain.
public. This is a novelty-for M. GAMBART, who deserves considerable credit for his foreign shows, did not startle us with novelties very
often-was, indeed, frequently forestalled by the photographers. I BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
can honestly recommend my readers to drop in at 25, Bond-strcet, to enjoy a feast of Continental art—and buy a picture at a reasonable
price if they choose. J
EW of us, I suppose, consider I see that the design for the Hall of Science and Art is exhibited at
that up to this present date the Royal Academy-and a precious ugly building it will be! I can we have made much of a compare it to nothing but a Strasburg pie with a glass crust-I only hole in our year.
Thanks hope the contents will be half as good. A scientific paper which is an to the reluctance with which undoubted authority, alludes to the statement in the report handed to Winter left us, and the re- the Queen, that " learned societies" have represented to COLE AND Co. luctance Spring displayed the want of such an institution, and says that some of the most imin coming, we are here close portant societies have protested against the scheme, and have declined upon Midsummer-day before to take rooms in the building, Perhaps COLE AND Co. will name the we know it.
“ learned societies.” The Laboratory hits a blot at once :take no note of time, save “The bnilding will be admirably adapted for shows of an attractive character, but by its loss—an observation for purely scientific purposes it will be utterly useless. An ordinary lecturer could which is YOUNG if not now;
not be heard in this South Kensington Coliseum, and such experiments as we are
accustomed to see at the Royal Institution would be invisible to nine-tenths of
That's a “nasty one," I take it.
First tied together, and then reft in twain,
What my first loses is my second's gain :
One in the north sheds learning's light around,
The other's in a southern country found.
One-third is long, and two-thirds short in tone, bave so long been thinking about to Mr. LEWI8, at No. 14, John
It's curious that it means a finger-bone. street, Adelphi, and you'll feel an additional glow of pleasure when
2. you see the balance of “lives saved” by the society during the next six months.
You may use it at full length, this word, SIR THOMAS MARYON Wilson is a gentleman who has hitherto been
But commonly now we contract; distinguished chiefly on account of his desire to curtail the working
Some time before this, I have heard, man's breathing-ground by inclosing Hampstead Heath.
It means, to be very exact. appeared the other day as the president of "The Greenwich Conserva
3. tive Association" (whatever that may be), having, perhaps, an eye to Blackheath as good building ground. I have nothing on earth to do
He lived in a pleasant suburban with his political opinions, being rather_Conservative myself since
Retreat, near a beautiful mosque, Mr. DISRAELI has become Radical, but I must protest against the
And wore a most wonderful turban, letters which in his presidential capacity (not to say incapacity) SIR
And kept, let us say-a kiosk. T. M. W. has addressed to LORD DERBY and MR. DISRAELI. He may
A swell oriental he flourish'd tamper with our heaths and commons if he can, but I cannot permit
This mythical man, I believe ; him to ravage the English language unnoticed. I don't suppose that
And for a whole month he was nourish'd SIR T. M. W.'s friends will consider I am too hard upon him when I
On nothing from morning till eve. take it for granted that he has received the education of a gentleman
4. but how on earth could he sign letters which contain the following dis
Between two kinds, I've eften seen it vary, graceful and ignorant blunders ?
Perchance a flower—sometimes a eanary.
5. “They likewise consider that every member of the Cabinet in their respective
A northern land in Europe see, positions are deserving the confidence of the country. Praying that your lordship may long be spared to wield the reins of government in support of that most noble
Where in a corner there should be cause, and which you have always espoused."
A town that boasts a bishop's care,
Although the name is rather rare. "May you be long spared and supported in the position as leader of that house,
6. which has ever been the boast of Englishmen to possess, being assured that so long as the Conservative government remain in power the venerated institutions of the
Far on the vast plains, near a lake, country are."
I work, and pleasure there I take : It is useless to point out to Sir M. T. W., and his ignoramuses,
And though Americans should boast the gross bungles I gibbet. It is needless to point them out to my
Their power, I keep an armed host. readers—a charity-school-boy would detect them. Really, Sir Thomas MARYON WILSON should be presented with a copy of Lindley Murray
ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 14. by his grateful admirers at Hampstead—but they must not forget that
B Bagdad D it should be a grammar for beginners.
I The Peers have been coming in for a share of the Thunderer's bolts
O Olivia A of late ; and as the Times is supposed to represent-echo, indeed,
R public opinion, I begin to shake in my shoes. Can it be that the
H Harvey Democratic Reform Bill of the Government already influences the very
CORRECT Soluti008 OF ACROSTIC No. 14, RECEIVED JUNE 19:-Frank and Maria; sensitive mercury in Printing-house-square ? For my own part, I Snuff-box; Nanny's Pet; Brick-court; Benhill ; Cerevino ; Samoth Egatton; cannot see why repose and calm should be refused to a House to which Mangey; bid Trafford; Bumblepuppy; Constance ; Ada W.; P. L. A. T.; Elden no member of the Commons
is by any chance admitted until he has Lily, Peter G.; Entrave; T. D. H.; Ledbury; Merabile Dick-Tu-rpin"; J. 5. L.; become superannuated and effete.
Kiel; R. C. 0. ; Young Australia; Irresistible; Two Clapham Contortionists;
E. T.; Never No More; Hunkey Dorunı; Bowwow; 0. and Sons; H. R.; BreakThe International Society of Fine Arts, which has a spirited object side and Hamish; Semorino; i rissie; E. of T.; J. T. B.; shorncliffe ; Muckle in view—the abrogation of the picture-dealer interest-has taken a Pickle ; Varney the Vampyre; Penalverne; Warming-Par; Ginger; sixty-Fivo; gallery in Bond-street. Galleries are difficult to get, and so we must Horribildous ; D. D.; Tri a Juncta; J. d.; Lechuza ; Sphinx; kuby. not complain if the I. S. of F. A. is not as luminously lodged as it deserves. But it merits support, for it introduces us to many foreign "A Nine Days' Wonder.”—That of the kitten, which wonders artists of talent and genius, who are, as a rule, unknown to the British when it's going to see !
A GIANT'S DISCOMFORTS.
He was a giant great
Outlandish was his lingo, MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,—I have received your affable note, Sir,
His height was furlongs eight. and it is quite right where it says, “ NICHOLAS has established-good. ness knows how!- a reputation as a moralist; and we want to hear
His boots were seven league, you what he may have to say with regard to the alleged deterioration in
Will guess—and more besides ; the tone of society, especially amongst the rising generation." Quite
It really would fatigue you right, my dear young Friend, you are, and it is only natural that ye
To measure out his strides. shouldest. The Prophet himself is, as the British public are well aweer, no
He ate per day-his stomach longer in that first flush of youth than which a period more certain to
From growing pangs to keepplunge a man into the wildest excesses, nor yet as a rule more difficult
score of beeves, with some acfor him to get out of them, but very pleasant all the same and I wish
Cidental pigs and sheep. as a good deal of it was to come over again. Though NICHOLAS, however, can no longer claim to be considered a
Each day a club he'd pick hin
An oak tree strong and sappy ; mere stripling, yet I was once as young as you, my dear youthful Friend ; and I would even say as I was once younger but for being
And nobody could lick him
And still he wasn't happy. rude. That youth have insensibly diminished with the lapse of advancing years is unfortnnately true ; but he still takes an interest,
And yet you'd think a giant, does the Old Man, in the ways of the adolescent, and he has noticed
Whom none to cross would darewith sincere regret that such is going pretty quick to the bad.
Of everything defiantIf you come to mere morality, mind you, the Old Man is not sure
Would sure be free from care! as you are a bit worse, you young men of 1867, than what he was himself at an anollogus period, he being accustomed for to carry on
But hapless RHUSKIBC8KNI dreadful; and many is the officer of police which might even now
Was nothing of the kind, recognise in the weather-worn countenance of NICHOLAS some re
His voice with grief was husky, semblance to one who in formal years—but perhaps this is vanity
His eyes with tears were blind. glorious.
And you will all allow, sirs, The peculiarity of young men just now-and in saying young men,
He had no cause for smiles ; the Prophet means from twenty to thirty, leaving out boys on the
Of course his coats and trousers one side and steady old coves on the other--the peculiarity of young
He wanted made by MILES. men just now is that they care for little and believe in nothing. In NICHOLAS's own time, even when a youngster was vicious, there was
Bat Miles he did gainsay himgenerally two things about him as was worth notice :- in the first
And sure a losing job place, he got something like enjoyment out of his vicos; and in the
It had been, to array him second place, he was seldom so far gone but what he was ashamed
In "bags at sixteen bob." of them. Young Hopeful of the present day still talks about seeing life; but
And since they were unwilling you would think as it was Death he saw, his eyes get so dull and fixed.
To build this giant's bags Enjoyment, Sir? You come along of NICHOLA8 to any place where
For sixteen times one shilling they congregate, these young men; and your good and gifted old guide,
He had to go in rags. Sir, meaning me, will turn round upon you with the majesty of a
Next to supply his table SOCRATES or even a PLATER, and bid ye answer whether ever in your
With roasts and bakes and pies, life you saw faces more dull, more weary, more woebegone. They
He found himself unable, have ate their cake, these boys; and not only can they consequently
Though he did advertise never have such again, but it have made them far from well in their insides.
For“ A Plain Cook ;” for none were And now, Sir, about manners. They are not ashamod, these young
Prepared to store his maw; ones are not, to behave in a way which NICHOLAS—though he do not
So since his meals undone were, like the word is constrained to call “caddish.” I am not myself of
He had to eat them raw. noble blood, though my family is respectable and always looks back with pride to the illustrious traditions of those grand old days when
And since both he and dinner one of us was connected with Britannia's Custom House itself; but I
Required a better dressing, should be sorry, such as I am, to behave in tho way that is now com
The end of him, poor sinner, mon-I should just say as it was common, in a parenthesis !-amongst
You'll speedily be guessing. our young men, not merely amongst those who are fast, and oopge
For insufficient clothing quently loose, but even amongst steadier ones.
Is bad beyond all questionThere is a growing indifference to the claims of woman, sir, which
Raw food produces loathing is a sign of barbarical deterioration-Young England puffs tobacco,
Which leads to indigestion. sir, in her face ; he talks to her about subjects, the very mention of which is an insult for which an honest giri's brother would be quite
Now he had rheumatisem justified in knocking him down; the gentle courtesy of the past is
And indigestion. You dead; and with the exception of a few cavaliers de la vieille roche-such
Don't think they're pleasant–is 'em ? as Nicholas himself—society is getting like a Cremorne with all the
The giant thought so too! amusements left out.
These remarks, Sir, have been suggested to the Prophet by incidents which happened to him recently in Paris, where he thought himself
You this conclusion fit 'll justified, being still a bachelor, in a little flirtation with a young lady at
Deduoe from what I stateSPIBRS and Pond's, and which the fair one and him was getting along
If grief attacks the little, as nicely as possible, when who should step in but a young whipper
It also stirs the great. snapper, than whom I am sure his hat was only fit for a show, and as for his coat-well, the Prophet weuld not advise him for to show him. self to his old schoolmaster in such, since the temptation might be too
" Houses Painted and Papered.” many for that pedagogue !--and which I could plainly hear him call
A CYNICAL critic observos, à propos of the supposed success of specta ing of me "a pottering old tout;" and she laughed at
cular dramas, that a scene-painter ought to be ashamed of himself i NICHOLAS!
he can't draw a house-on canvas. A Good Shillingsworth.
Les Beaux Arts. If a man is only as "right as ninepence" he can hardly describe We believe there is no ground for the report that M. Du CHAILLI himself as " pretty bobbish.” With threeponce more, up he goes to the has been elected Honorary President of the Toxophilite Society, as required standard.
recognition of his long (bow) services in Africa.