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At the time when adventurous Cadmus, he

Gave us the alphabet Greek,
I often have wished that he had “mussy”

Shown to the poor and the weak !
Think of the time when one little is,

Connoing the book on one's knee,
Think of the rod that to “tittle is"

Those who can't say A B C.
Spelling at school somewhat later comes,

Up to six-syllable words;
Next in the list Alma Mater comes,

Bringing examiners' girds,
Who, scanty credit allowing you,

Sneer at whatever you say-.
Finish the matter by®“ ploughing" you,

Stopping you short of B.Ă.
Life with its cares next is vexing ns-

Letters it brings in its train-
Letters for ever perplexing us-

Letters that fill us with painLetters of duns, and on business

Letters from lawyers, a fewLetters productive of dizziness,

Namely, these three-I.O.U. Hunted by letters unceasingly,

What can one do to be free? Troubles assemble increasingly,

Comfort and happiness flee. I can see only one end to it,

Straight to Death's door I must go And bidding farewell to Life, send to it,

Writ on my card—D.I.O.

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The Old-Faced Type. It is reported that the negroes are about to start & Paper in Kentucky. . We presume it will be printed in black letter. “Uncle Ned” will, of course, at once suggest himself as an (n)editor, though his well-known baldness may be a drawback to his appointment, as fears would be, not without reason, entertained that he might go a-wool-gathering occasionally, and an editor should have all his wits about him, even though he be not editor of a comic paper.

What birds are most pugnacious ?-Sparrers. ?

Young Quiller (author of twenty-four hours' standing) :-“YOU HAVE NO IDEA


A Hint to the Song-Writers.

Duswers to Correspondents. THOBE delightful poets, who are for ever wishing themselves' either daisies or birds, have a fine opening now.

The Šelbourne Age says,

[Wo cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied that fruit is so plentiful in that locality this year that "people are on by a stamped and directod envelope:] the look-out for pigs to eat up the quantities of peaches, apricots, A CORRESPONDENT who writes to express his joy at hearing for the first plums, etc., which will not pay for the gathering for table.” The song time the old sell"Fine day for the race ?" "What race ?" "The human writers will feel quite at home in Australia, which it will be remem- sensations to look forward to!

race"-is hereby congratulated. He must have a great many surprises and bered is now overrun with thistles, imported by an enthusiastic Scot.

AMOR.- No more, please! Shall the bulbul be silent when the rose is near? Where there is a

T. G., Duke-street, Adelphi.-Too late for insertion. plenty of Carduus benedictus shall the nightingale of British song be

PALE ALE, does not exhibit a bit-o'-beer-able wit. mute? Forbid it heaven--and the music-publishing trade!

P. Y., Trumpington-street.-Why do you call your six-line paragraph “I would I were a pig

a pamphlet? To be sure the matter is heavy enough for three vole. In far Austra-li-a!

W. P.S. N., Heavitree.-Heavy, tree-mendously!
To eat plum, peach, and fig,

J. C. H., Benwell-road. We fear that joke is not your own.

A CALCULATING BOY should have sent us the newspaper referred to. And apricot all day!”

We might have read that but we cannot decipher his letter. There! there's a start for them.

Cepx.-A aketch, but not a Sepia sketeh—non accepimus!.

NEMO.-"Go, get thee to a None-ery!"
Draw it mild!

“Ons who WAS BORN YOUNG" might have added and foolish.”

J. B., Glasgow-Decidedly not. Tuz Inman steam ship, “City of Cork;” which lately arrived in

SHEM.-Shem-fully bad of you to send an old joke like that! Liverpool from New York, can boast of an achievement which com- GLAD.-We're sorry we don't think your suggestions happy. pletely takes the wind out of the sails of the “wee craft” the Red Declined with thanks.-Ipse Dixit; Cuckoooo; A, H., Dennington; White and Blue. She was navigated across the Atlantic with a H. E. V. D.; X. X. X.; L'apostrophe; Humpty Dumpty; Tom, Cork's-crew!

Glasgow; “ Course of the Exchange;". 8. G., Liverpool ; T. R., York;

J. W. Chadwell-street; W. E. T., Worcester; U. M., Pimlico; W. R., Hard Ware.

juar., Durham;, C. 8., Plymouth; Undergrad., Tadcaster; X. Q. R. ;

Browne; “To the Paris Exhibition"; E. K.; 0. Y. G.; Sigma; F. B., It is very strange that although you may procure tenpenny nails in Aldersgate-street; J. C., Union-square; H. N., Kow; R. D.; J. A. e., the pound, no ironmonger ever thinks of supplying you with income Moorgate-street; The Wonderful Swimmer;

A. B. X.; C. s! B.,

Walworth-road; F. W. S., Caullowes-road;

J. 'D.; T. H. Hull; N. H. J.;

R., Liverpool; Admirer, Bristol, Biddy Flanagan; P.'s and Q.'s; G. M., Tue DEBERT OP (AUNT) SA-(HA)-KA:—Epsom Downs without the racés. Portman-square.

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knee, and a whole host o' Frenchmen in hats, as seems to me to grow THE OMNIBUS RESTORATION

taller the shorter they are themselves, a-gruntin' and hollerin' with IN THE AVENUE RAPP, PARIS, FRANCE.

their “Grond'omms and “Tea Corporals” and “Glowrs," and all

the rest of it till I'm blest if I could stand it any longer, so I puts my Dear 'LIZA,- I don't know as I shall ever again talk contempshus thumb to my nose and sings out “Yah! Waterloo !" and a sourjohn of French kickshaws becos, after all, give me the thing as is native to dovil, which is all one as a policeman in a cocked 'at, comes after me; the country where it grows, which if Bob hadn't been all for pale ale and I had to dodge him under the legs of a statue as reminded me of an' Cheshire cheese with sallary and roasted surline of beef he wouldn't ha' been— but there, it was that gal as done it, FreKiLLINA, as he Coalossus of Roads. I say I dodged him and so I did, but I was

a geography book as we used to have at school with a picture of the called her, which what do you think if she wasn't well known to both twigged afterwards, and now I'm a marked man, leastways I should be of us after all, as one of the barmaids as used to be at the Three Bucks, if I didn't go about disguised in a turban and top boots, as I'll perhaps which she's been and died her head of 'air, as the French calls a she- tell you of in my next.—Your miserable

Sam TROTTLE. voelure-a pale straw colour as with a false tooth where the one was knocked out through the sudden lettin' go of the handle of the beer engine, reg'lar disguised her. I found it out all of a sudden as I was

Theatre Boyal, Haymarket. a-settin' waitin' for BOB who would go in for his half-an-half as we see nothing of tho Exhibition in consequence: and up to her

By Kind Permission of J. B. BUCKSTONE, Esq. I goes and says, “ What's the last news from Gresham-street?” A MORNING PERFORMANCE for the Benefit of the Widowed Mother of as made her face change colour quicker than her 'air bad, I promise

THE LATE PAUL GRAY, you. Bob's been as much agin' the English sexion ever since as he was all for it before, and nothing does now but we must dine at Will take place at the above Theatre on Saturday, the 6th July, at the Rooshian place where they make tea in a urn that reminded me of Two o'clock p.m., when will be produced a New and original Comedy the meetin's that used to be in the Centenary Hall, Bishopsgate, when by ARTHUR SKETCHLBY, entitled the Methodies Conferences was on. Now we come here every day.

ESTELLE'S BIRTHDAY. I fought shy for ever so long, for, says I, no more of your train oil and Characters by Miss Nelly Moore, M188 CARLOTTA Addison, and black bread for me, an' espescialy when I see down on the cart, which MESSRS. H. J. IRVING, J. HARB, H. J. MONTAGUE, and J. CLAYTON, is French for bill o' fare, horse d’oofer. A cow-heel, I says, I have who have kindly given their valuable services. partook of in poor father's time as was partial to 'em as well as petti- To conclude with the New and Original Burlesque, toes as I've fetched pretty frequent from Leadenhall, but none of your

ROBINSON CRUSOE. horse 'ooffers for me, I says, as this ain't the sort of a cart for to put a horse in. Bob he laughs and says as it was only another name for Supported by Miss FURTADO, Mrs. Brown (her first and only apsomethink substantial, and blest if he wasn't right, for what should it pearance), MBSSRs. Archer, BROUGH, Brunton, Barnes, FURTADO, be but biled beef and cabbage, not dear neither at half a franc; but GILBERT, HOLLINGSHEAD, HENLEY, Hood, - LEIGH, MOLLOY, there, I'm blessed if I care now what I eat and drink, nor see either," NICHOLAS, O'CONNOR, PROWSE, ROBERTSON, Scott, SKETCHLEY, for that matter : I'm gettin' tired of it, there's such a precious lot of A. THOMPSON, J. G. THOMBON, THORNBURY, Thomas, and others, veeve l' uproar and other rows, and such confusion. Where should I with power to add to their number, forming a list of well known names find myself yesterday but standin' in a place before a thunderin' big so long that it is to be continued in our next. statue, and whether I dreamt it or not I fancied I was at MADAME Private boxes, £5 5s., £3 38., and £2 28.; Stalls, 108 6d.; DressTussaud's, and that the EMPEROR had got out o' bed and was settin' circle. 78. 6d.; Upper boxes, 58. ; Pit, 38.; Gallery, 1s. Tickets may up in his easy chair. At any rate, there he was with his map on his be obtained at the Fun Office. London : Printed by JODD & GLASS, Phoeniz Works, St. Androw's Brin, Doctors' Compions, ad Pablished (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER. at 80, Fleet-street, B.C.

June 29,



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H! that my soul its gods could MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND, -My relative, who is not a fool, whatever

else he may be, have suggested that remarks of a vaticinatory and even As years ago they seemed prophetic character might be applied to many other events besides to me

those which are mixed up with my country's Turf; and he have When first I painted hinted that, at my time of life, NICHOLAS has a right to express his them;

own opinion on any subject in the world, bar none. Invested with the circum

The Prophet is, therefore, game for to make the following announcestance

ment, which MessR8. JUDD and Glass will please for to put it in the Of old conventional

ro- customary form, it being

Exploded theorem!
Britannia, the Pride of the Ocean

1 The bard who could, all men

The Rest of the Universe above,

Nicholas have likewise been requested for to lend his powerful and Inflame my soul with songs world-wide aid on behalf of British Hospitality to our Belgian visitors. of love,

The Old Man cannot say that he knows very much about the Belgians. And, with his verse, in- nor yet about Belgia itself, he having only been there once, nor do you spiro

find him so again. No, no, my brave young Belgic visitors; never no The craven soul who feared more will the Prophet cross the stormy ocean, except it be to Paris to die,

direct. Nicholas, however, is bound to say that when he was in With all the glow of Belgia he was treated with sumptuous hospitality and champagne chivalry

wine all day; and Nicholas has great pleasure in coming forward, And old heroic fire. alongside of H.R.H. and the noblest of the land, to vindicate his

country's character for hospitality.
I found him in a beerhouse His country's character for hospitality ain't good.

Nicholas will not pretend to know much about geography and the
Awaking from a gin-born nap,

use of globes, though I will yield to no man of my age and weight, With pipe and sloven dress :

bar none, in estimating of the points of a horse; but Nicholas have ! Amusing chums, who fooled his bent,

been reading a good deal in the papers at the Repository, and rumours With muddy maudlin sentiment,

have reached him concerning of Pashas of Turkey (where Constan. ? And tipsy foolishness !

tinople is, as the song was wrote about), and the Sultans of the

Egyptians, and King THEODOSIUS of Abbeysinia, and other monarchs, The novelist, whose painting pen

all of whom are likely for to visit Britain's shore. To legions of fictitious men

Gentlemen all, I have noticed that now these illustrious visitors are A real existence lends,

coming we don't know what to do with them. Brain-people whom we rarely fail,

It is easy enough-though mean-to let 'em all take lodgings at à Whene er we hear their names, to hail

respectable public, if any such will admit the heathen; but some kind As old and welcome friends ;

of State notice ought to be taken of 'em, and something done for to I found in clumsy snuffy suit,

improve their minds. Accordingly, In seedy glove, and blucher boot,


A Free Admission
Uncomfortably big.
Particularly commonplace,

With vulgar, coarse stockbroking face,

And, my dear young Friend, representing-as you do on this
And spectacles and wig!

auspicious and momentuos occasion-the tax-paying public of Great

Britain, I am sure that you will be only too delighted for to make good My favourite actor who, at will

any little expense to which I may be put. With mimic woe my eyes could fill

Nor is even this the full extent of British Hospitality. Nicholas is With unaccustomed brine :

prepared for to go further still, and to give A being who appeared to me

(Before I knew him well) to be

A song incarnadine,

7 p.m.—March to Horselaydown by the Belgian Volunteers. N.B.I found a coarse unpleasant man

Any of the Belgian Volunteers as may like to bring their own provisions

will be allowed to do so.
With speckled chin-unhealthy, wan-
Of self-importance full:

8 p.m.-Opening of tho Oriental Repository.
Existing in an atmosphere

8.15 p.m.- Arrival of the Belgians, Egyptians, Turkeys, and AbbeyThat reeked of gin and pipes and beer

sinias. N.B.-Any monarchs liking to come in their own carriages Conceited, fractious, dull!

will be allowed for to do so. Gentlemen, the Repository is Liberty

Hall! Should any King prefer the threepenny 'bus, he will be enThe warrior whose ennobled name

titled for to receive back his fare on producing, at the Repository, a Is woven with his country's fame,

stamped receipt from the o aductor—but Nickolas truly hopes that no Triumphant over all."

foreign monarch will be a te so mean. I found weak, palsied, bloated, bleár ;

8.20 p.m.-Anybody ar xious to present purses to Nicholas will be His province seemed to be, to leer

allowed to do so. At bonnets in Pall Mall.

8.30 p.m.- Public Opening of Two Bottles of Sherry Wine. N.B.

The Corks will be Inaugurated by Sir WENTWORTH DILKE and MR.
Would that ye always shone, who write,

Bathed in your own innate lime-light,

8.35 p m. --The Prophet will declare that the sherry wine is open. And ye who battles wage,

N.B.—This will be considered as equivalent to a good deal.
Or that in darkness I had died

8 36 p.m.—The Foreign Visitors will begin to wonder what it all Before my soul had ever sighed

means. Observing which, at exactly To see you off the stage !

8.37 p.m.-NICHOLAS will offer the Sultan a tumbler of sherbet. Great enthusiasm. No charge will be made for the sherbet.

9 p.m.- The Belgians will be allowed to send for what they like in Intolerance.

the way of liquor. No charge will be made for this permission. A MEMBER of the U. K. A., who thinks it wrong and sinful to sup 10 p.m.-The Old Man will make a gracious valedictory address, in moderation, though one does not get a skinful, has forbidden his ending with the words, “Don't you think you'd better go ?" Greater son to participate in the enjoyments of the cricket field, fearing that enthusiasm than ever. The ceremony will then conclude by Nicholas he might handle a bat that was sprung. It would be difficult to find singing of the National Anthem in the back parlour; and the character a a parallel to this piece of despotism, even in an Imperial U-K-A-se. of British Hospitality will THUS be redeemed ! Nicholas.



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Sheer Nonsense from Sheffield. What sort of blades were the Roman Emperors, Augustus and TIBERIUS ?—The blades that formed a pair of Cæsars, of course.


WAS in Greece, of all places, that first the Three Graces

Ruled woman in various phases ;
But it is, you'll allow, Old England, that now

Lies under the sway of Three Crazes.
For the Bonnets they daily get tinier-tinier !
The CHIGNONS grow yellower, bigger, and shinier !
And TRAINs are as long as excursions to Chin-i-er

Or penny-a-linier

When the Graces did duty in this way, each beauty

Of Greece was attired so divinely!
But the fashions, that sway our world of To-day,

Are framed, to be plain, asininely!
For the BONNETs have really become microscopical!
The CHIGNONS are bulbous as jars chemist-shopical!
And Trains are luxuriant as creeping-plants tropical,
Whose fruits,

when they drop, pickle

Complexions, and glances, and figures-ten chances

To one as mere cheats may be chidden;
For the minds of the fair, I grieve to declare,

By follies and fancies are ridden!
And the Bonnets than brains that they cover minuter are !
The CHIGNONS far falser than shillings of pewter are !
The Trains like the cares of a Chancery suitor are-

Their ends in dim futur' are

Oh, would that some traces of Greece's Three Graces

Could Fashion's last Follets be read in!
What improvement immense, could but mere common sense

Be driv'n by some means, Beauty's head in!
For the Bonnets sufficient a single rose-bud it is!
The Chignons are what Mrs. Brown styles "absuddities!”
And Trains—why, their purpose to sweep up the mud it is,

When an ankle-deep flood it is

Spread in!
But Dress is a passion :—the Mirror of Fashion,

The eyes of the weaker sex dazes !
It blinds woman so that she seems not to know

What a figure she's made by The Crazes :
And the Bonnets they daily get tiddier-tinier!
The CHIGNONS grow yellower, bulgier, shinier !
The Trains are much longer than pigtails in Chin-i-er,

Or penny-a-lin-i-er

Phrases !



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