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What a painful thing is shyness
MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,– Had I the arms of a BRIAREUs, or even

An endowment to deplore, of a MORPHEU8, combined with the eyes of an ARGUS (by whom I do

To a beggar or a Highness not mean the sportive correspondent of the Morning Post, though

It is equally a bore. here is wishing him no harm)--and if you were likewise for to endow

It produces a depression the Old Man with as many legs as used to meet in the Ruins, it would

Very difficult to raise, still be utterly impossible for NICHOLAS to cope with the rush of events,

And this want of Self-possession all demanding of either sportive or prophetic treatment.

Is embittering my days! NICHOLAS, Sir, is a Prophet, and the best as ever prophesied, bar none; but I am likewise a British citizen, and-especially since the

It would really be delicious establishment of the Repository, than which I am sure a more

To be otherwise than shy, excellent emporium though a little not much patronised

Opportunities propitious as it onght to be-I have taken a warm interest in public

I have passed unheeded by! affairs. I have as much right to do so as any other man, bar

At the Bar-my own profession-
I contribute to the burdens of the State. I pay rates

People“ write me down an ass," and taxes--or, to speak more accurately, the collector have twice

For I want that self-possession threatened to summons me for not doing so, and I really believe as he

Which is designated " brass." would have done such had it not been for my timely stratagern of going to a foreign shore, meaning the Exposition. I am eligible for

TOMKINS came for an opinion, to sit as a jury; and which, my time being valuable, it is the firm in

On a very simple point;

Whether “Cowcumber and inion” tention of NICHOLA8 for to find every man guilty right off, Under the new Reform Bill, I am not at all sure as I shall not stand for Parlia

Should be eaten with “the joint.”

I've a sort of an impression ment-either for the London University, or Hackney Wick, which I

Which develops by degrees, am told by the public prints as they are two of the new constituencies. There are many Turf topics upon which NICHOLAS have keep his

That my want of Self-possession eyes-not meaning that the Prophet takes out his orbs every night,

Made my answer not "the cheese." like false teeth, and puts them down on a turf topic, but only imply

Would I win at public meetings ing that the gaze of the Old Man, which is not unlike that of an eagle,

Oratorical renown, has been hovering, so for to speak, over Goodwood and such. In

Groans and hisses are my greetings cricket, again, the heart of NICHOLAS bave been filled with honest joy

And directions to “ sit down !" by the way in which we Gentlemen beat the Players, and will do so

Of caloric an accession again. Come on, ye Mercenaries! The ancient aristocracy of Great

Makes me hot as in Cabool, Britain, with their fine or Prophet for to back 'em up, are ready and

For my want of Self-possession eager for the fray.

Quite prevents my being “cool.”
I pass, Sir, to a theme of more general interest.

Once I ventured to the Derby

I had never been before (From the Prophct's own Penny-a-liner.)

Could I Emperor or Czar be, Considerable excitement was recently occasioned, not a hundred

I would never venture more ! miles from the neighbourhood of the Oriental Repository, kept by the

Drag and cart in quick succes ion well-known MR. NICHOLAS, in Horselaydown, by the appearance of a

At me always raised a laugh, large number of the Belgian Volunteers. From circumstances which

For my want of Self-possession have since transpired, it is fully believed that had an alarming con

Makes me impotent to "chaft." flagration broken out at this moment, the flames would have lit up in bright relief the steeples of the neighbouring religious edifices, and

With a contumacious “cabby". that much praise would also have been due to the police for keeping

If I get into a row, off the pressure of the crowd. Fortunately, the devouring element

I'm as helpless as a "babby," was otherwise employed.

And I pay him--anyhow ! [NOTE BY NICHOLAS.-Of course it was. There was a dinner at the

For my power of expression, fansion House. That's the place that really stood in danger from

Is 80 miserably weak the " devouring" element, not the Repository, where it is but little as

From my want of Self-possession,
I eat, goodness knows. Go on with the account now, ME88R8. JUDD

And my insufficient a cheek!”
AND Glass:)
On arriving at the Oriental Repository-a spacious building in no

I'm in awful trepidation, particular order of architecture-the Belgians were most warmly

For I dote on dearest Rose, received by their entertainer, who addressed them in the French

And on every next occasion language with great fluency, and which, when it was interpreted to

I determine to propose. them, they expressed themselves much pleased with his truly intro

But, alas, for my confession, national sentiments. The distinguished host stated his regret that he

I can never get it said: could not entertain them all at once; but added, that if they would go

And my want of Self-possession round to the.“ Admiral Keppel” in three distinct bodies, he would

May prevent my being wed. personally accompany each detachment, and make sure that the liquor

I've been very shy this season, was good by tasting it himself. This proposition being received with enthusiastic cheers, the first

And not self-possessed at all! distinct body set out upon its march, accompanied by NICHOLA8 and

Is it she who is the reason ?your Reporter. The proceedings at the " Admiral Keppel” were of a

For I'm wholly in her thrall! very satisfactory kind very satisfactory kind—especially the rum

I will plead for a concession and water.

Of her self to me; and then The second distinct body was equally fortunate, and the proceedings

I may get my Self-possessionat the" Admiral Keppel” were still satisfaetory-still most satisfactory

With hers added 1- back again! —and where is he who can deny such, especially the whiskey-toddy? and where is he who can deny whiskey-toddy? But it made the Belgians as tight-as-a-drum, you know-tightsadrum. Me and old

Laying the First Stone. NICHOLAS, being used to it, wasn't even touched-even touched. But It has often struck us as being rather mean on the part of a disyou should have seen the third distinct body, Why, they were twice tinguished individual to "walk off" with the trowel after he or she has as numerous as the others; and not a man of 'em sober, except me laid the first stone of some charitable institution. What would be said and old NICHOLAS, in the third distinct-distinctive body.

of anyone presiding at a public meeting or dinner, were he, on leaving, (NOTE BI. NICHOLAS.— The account, allowing for a little exaggeration, as well as on arriving, “ to take the chair ?". is substantially correct; but where it says that he wasn't touched,” why, I had, being a householder-to bail him out!]

ANAGRAM (specially applicable to Sheffield).—Trades Unions, “Red NICHOLAE. stain on us."


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uniform as was M. C. looks hard at me I shakes my head an' hollers WROTE IN THE MORBEN AQUEERYUM, PARC DEL XPOSITION,

out “Pegwell Bay!" and he grins and bows and in I goes. If it PARIS, FRANCE,

hadn't a-been for that Jew Aries we should have had no end of fates, Dear ’LIZA,—Never, except in the “Arabian Nights," has anythink what I'm equal to, as he's been glad to come round, I can tell you,

but at present the fates has forbid, and I've been able to show Bob like

my adventures been wrote since my last letter, and all along of when he finds I've got the entry; and if we didn't meet old BOTTLEmy having dressed myself in a cognishow,

as the

Italians, or some of Jack and his daughter Amelia in the Grand Vestibule the other day, them confounded foreigners, call it; though in my case it was a sort as was bein' reg'lar crowed over by a French corporal as old BOTTLE of Eastern disguise of a turban and settrer, as I told you before. The JACK hollered at a good one, but couldn't make him understand. fact is that this place is a reg'lar maskorade, more so than ever I see at Bob's rather

low, becos that gal I told you of, TREBELLINA, has run Highbury Barn that night as it was a benefit, when uncle took tickets away with one of the waiters at the Rooshian tea coantor, and he for us; and as to what used to be at the old Eagle in the City-road spends a good deal of time here along of me and the Sultan, I mean before it was altered to the Grecian, why it's nothing to the seens one in the Moreen Aqueeryum, which it reminds me of “Here in cool takes part in here. Before I can git any

answer at the Post Restorong grot,” as they used to sing at the Aldersgate Harmonic Union. It's I shall be in Aldersgate again-me and the Sultan of Tarkey and the pleasant, though a little too dull for my money, to set here and look Bashaw of Egypt, which I am in his suit-not in his clothes I don't at the sea fishes a-swimmin' about in plate-glass tanks such as I never mean, I only just wish I was, for they're covered with gold and pearls, i knowd anywheres, except in the cellar at PAINTBR's in Leadenhallhis best is-grander a precious sight than the Sheriffs' liveries, or street, where they keeps the live turtle. But lor' I shall be home soon, even the Lord Mayor's, as I'm proud to say I've seen here a-talkin' to and then we'll

show these precious Bashaws and such what the City the Sultan himself like one o'clock, and him reg'lar knockin' under and can do.-Yours, as you won't know when you see me, as polite as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Which he's to

SAM TROTTLE. be at a bankwet at the Guildhall, but that's neither here nor there.

P.S.-I should ha' liked to ha' seen LEWIS N.'s face when he was What I mean by bein' in the suit of their Highnesses is, that when I introduced to Alderman WATERLOO ! thought things had blown over and I shouldn't be reckonized, I went to see the Xposition again, and where should I find myself but in the

All's Fish that comes to the Net. Grant Vestibule, when a short fat dark portly sort of a gent, in a red skull-cap and a tight buttoned-up blue frock, goes by, and all the that they are taken by the waggon-load. Why don't our acute

It appears that the Hudson river has become so full of gold fish people looks at him and me, as I've let my beard grow and got up my complexion with warnut ketchup since to add to the delusion. Says 1 Transatlantic cousins put them into circulation ? Such net-profits to myself, “Sam TROTTLE, now's your game,” for I see what the would be better than greenbacks. people thought, and hears that the name of the short party was the VICEROY OF EGYPT, and others with him as was Bays-and precious

A Light Comedian ? green baize too I reckon, for they looked reg'lar comfoozled. Now We observe in the Era that a Glasgow manager wants a gentleman there was no law against my being a bay too if I liked, and so I jist of ability as “Heavy Lead." We are led to believe

or perhaps we follows 'em about, and everywhere that we goes the people makes way should say, we “zinc” he wants a man of metal. for us. Lor' I've seen everythink,—and more than that; there was I amongst the nobs when the EMPEROR give away the prizes, for I had

Ecco ! my turban washed, and put on a string o' beads like a mountebank, If we may judge from the fact that the two principal objects in the and takes my place close to the entrance, so as when the Sultan wrapper of a new journal are heralds, we should imagine that Echoes comes up I mixes up with a lot of other chaps, and when the feller in from the Clubs are trumps.



Dear Maud, we've just come from the City-

Uncle POPKINS is one of the Livery-
And your poor little Bella you'd pity

If you made of her now the “ diskivery."
It was crowded, and dusty, and heated.

Well! our Cits may be excellent traders,
But I don't think quite nicely they treated

The Belgians, our friendly invaders.
They came in such numbers immense,

That to count one was wholly unable;
But our Cits did not show

a true sense
Of doing the honours at table.
They took all the seats

that were good,
And declined to become retrograders,
So left just to shift how they could,

The Belgians, our ftiendly invaders
You'll want to know what they are like !

They are most of them portly and ruddy,
And scarcely a sculptor would strike

With ideas for a classical study.
Their appearance is far from romantic

They none of them look Abd el-Kaders :
So your Bella for love won't go frantie

Of the Belgians, our friendly invaders!


A MERRY life the Volunteer

Upon the Common leads ;
His fare it is the best of cheer,

His talk 's of martial deeds.
He fashion's luxuries despises,
And heavily goes-in for prizes!
He deals in bores both great and small-

Ih bores of every kind.
(Patting out lights at bugle-call

Is one of them, you'll find);
And like a child, that's fond of sweets,
Considers bull's-eyes mighty treats.
How happy is this soldier's lot,

In tented field to dwell;
And if a prize but pays his shoty,

Oh, isn't be a swell,
With wreaths of laurel on his head,

And lots of earwigs in his bed !.


A Poser for the C. S. Examiners.
Q. Name the first work on horology.


A Spy-see Remark. Why does a satirist treat his victims like telescopes ?-Because be draws them out-sees through them--and then shuts them up !

or sketches unless they are accompanied

Balsam or Balm..

A MISTER-Y.-Why SNOBKINS will insist on calling himself Esquire. Here is a charming story ready to the hand of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN :"The garden of the Middlesex Hospital was thrown open for the flower show of

Answers to Correspondents. the window-grown plants in the parish of St. Andrew's, Wella-street, on Tuesday, On this occasion the flower show for Christ Church, Down-street, was combined with it. The display of plants was very good, considering the badness of the bourhood. The prizes were distributed by Lady Mildred Beresford-Hope and the by a stamped and directed envelope.) Hon. Mrs. William Cowper-two out of a long list of patronesses. Among the prize-holders was one of the h-spital nurses ; and a prize was also adjudged to a

NO ARTIST.—The subject won't draw. balsam grown by a poor crippled boy by his bed-side in the Pepys Ward."

MADGE.—The queer English to which you draw our attention is not quite Even old Pepys himself might have been touched by this simple ment gratis, voyez vous ?

our own Madge-estic language, but we cannot give the parties an advertiserecital!_Such peeps into the diaries of the life of the poor should do “THB APOSTLE OF THE MORMONS.”As you say you are More-money good. Let us hope our quotation of the paragraph will benefit so you may be some slight prophet, but you are of no value to us. excellent a movement as that of “Window-grown Plant Shows." Delta (Liverpool).-Your Deltoid muscle is not a risible one.

SANDY MCPHUN cannot mak' any phun that we care about.

X. L.-Your joke would be X. L.-lent if you had not borrowed it. AT THE CAMP.

REFLECTOR. -A chap-we don't understand.

JACOB SCUD.-We can't find room for your ruminations, for you have It's pleasant to get from the dust of the City

been chewing someone else's (8)cud of sweet and bitter fancy. Those“ little That smothers the Park in the dnys of July;

bills all over dew" which you take up as your own have been accepted as an Though WHALLEY be tuneful and OSBORNE be witty,

old joko long since.
We'll leave the dull bores who still speak in Committee,

AGGIB.- Aggie-ravating!
And “bulls" made by members, to seek the bull's-eye.

A. B. (Manchester-streets)--Must look at our rules. We do not return

M.S. save under the circumstances mentioned.
We'll see at the Camp how a shop-keeping nation

L. Y. (Post-office, Edgware-road.)-Your “Popular Parodies” are to
Can put up the shutters, and go out to play;

hand, but “Sham Complexion" was done long ago in “The Elixir of Love" And our Belgian friends a tremendons ovation

at the St. James's. We'll give, till the Camp 'mid the glad demonstration

Her A-DORA.—The only mystery we can see in the case is the lady's Is brighter with banners than meadows in May.

friends suffering such twaddle. We see no mystery about the dramatist's

Away with the spells of the fairest and sweetest,

J. G. A. (Swindon.)-Thanks.
The eyes of Germander far bluer than Heaven;

S. H. (Post-office, Croydon) has done one of the funniest things we have

met with of late. He writes that he "forwards the enclosed in hopes of O'er ravishing bottines the nicest and neatest,

insertion; any reply can be addressed to S. H., Post-office, Croydon." The Our “Running Deer” now has a charm the completest

enclosure is, “Dear Sir, I forward the enclosed in hopes of its being inserted At Wimbledon Camp in the year Sixty-seven.

in your paper. Any reply can be addressed to S. D., Post-office, Croydon." The dates and handwritings are identical, but the second letter is addressed

to the editor of a contemporary, who no doubt received the joke in dupliAn Excuse.

cate! PROFESSOR BEESLEY has written to the papers trying to explain

R. B. W.-MS. awaits you at the office. away the impression conveyed in his speech about the Sheffield out

“Hair! HAIR! HAIR!"—Wants cutting considerably. rages. When we remember at what college he was educated, we can

GEORGE.—That joke, by George, won't do at all! quite understand that he occasionally is guilty of what Dundreary

G. S. (Crewkerne). -We cannot lend ourselves to your local squabbles.

Declined with thanks :-M. A. L. R.; W. P.; S. M.; Veritas ; Billy; would call a little senseless Wadham-ontade.

F. M., Sheffield; J. H. G., Putney; W. Brussels; W. Stoke; F. G. Č.,
West Brompton; W. G., Cheapside; T. E., Kent; J. H, T., Liverpool;

W. G. S., Stanley-street; Vinegar Works; J. H., P- ; s. W. L.,

Wallbrook; H. E., Islington; W. T. Lythan; P. W.; A. H. Donnington; Wuensa man is as "cool as a cucumber,” may he be said to be in A. C. Alloa ; A. J., Mark-lane; J. C. P.; A. B. C. ; Sarah Ann, Minoa cucumber-frame of mind ?

ries ; R. V.'S.; Rich-berd Robins-son; Fox-dog; W. A. B.; C. Mc., Liverpool; A Student; E. S., Bridgewater; Poste Restante; J. H. N.;

J. B. W., Spalding; G. R. G., St. Andrews; A Poor Spinster; X. X. X.; MOTTO POR THE MONEY-BOXES AT OUR HOSPITALS.—“When you're C. J. C., Birkenhead; A Punster ; Bill Brown ; Bonne Femme; Qualipassing my way-drop in."

fied ; E. C., Bedford-row.

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THE CUT DIRECT.ED. Elevated Being :-" Zıs'war T'LILL' DROPT'N ?"


[Exit serpentiningly.

A night for Islington's "kick-up,"

Where all the world is going ; A night with E. T. Smith to sup,

Where Tamesis is flowing. A gorgeous day on Sydenham Height,

With songs and ice in mountains. And then a long delicious night,

Illuminated fountains !
The town has been a dream to me,

Since all the guests have landed,
I never take my gaiety

Alone or single-handed.
A little arm to twine in mine-

Most fascinating fetter-
A word, a look from ISOLINB-

There's nothing suits me better!

URBS REDIVIVA. OLD London is alive again,

Or will be by to-morrow, From courtly cups we quaff champagne,

Instead of sups of sorrow. If folks don't care for midnight hours

Or headaches—more's the pity, Belgravia scatters fruit and dow'rs

And calipash the City. The plan to give guests bed and board

Was found a difficult 'un;
The Viceroy's tumbled on "a WARD,"

A palace shields the Sultan.
The Belgian Volunteers have come,

All spruce and in high feather, We've found some cosy beds for some,

While some sleep on the heather. From day-dawn till the night is dark,

No time for care I'm thinking, To-day a feed in Windsor Park,

To-morrow lots of drinking. The next day off to Highgate-hill,

Where waits the Lodge's lady,
To bid two thousand guests to kill

Their time in gardens shady.
A day for Woolwich and its guns,

Its forges and its stewings;
A day for Spithead, ships in tons,

And nautical reviewings.
A day at Kew, with time to bait,

And "tramp o'er moss and fell, oh!” An opera visit

paid in state, To witness Masaniello.

Queue-ery! WABN is a forcing-frame like a pigtail that always gets in your way ?-When it's a-queue-cumbering you. N.B. This joke, raised from a frame, is naturally a little forced.

NOTICE.-Now ready, price 1s, and may be obtained at the Fun Office, Lacy's Theatrical Warehouse, and all booksellers,


OR, THE INJUN BRIDE AND THE INJURED WIFE. A Burlesque by H. J. Pyron, W.S. Gilbert, T. Hood, H. S. Leigh, Arthur Sketchley,

and "Nicholas." Performed at Theatre Royal Haymarket, on Saturday, July 6th. N.B.-The proceeds of the sale will be added to the Fund for the benefit of the widowed mother of the late Paul Gray.

ondon :-Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Pbænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doetors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

July 20, 1867.

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Halp a loaf! half a loaf !

Riding to town slow,
Fainting for rations rode

Regiments to Hounslow.
Forward, the starv'd brigade !

Ride for your loaves, he said.
Fainting for rations rode

Regiments to Hounslow.
Forward ! said GENERAL Hodge,
Longing his men to lodge.
How could the soldiers know

Somers had blunder'd.
Then came the awful rub,
Vile Commissariat cub!
Theirs but to die for grub,
All on the desert heath,

Wretched six hundred !
Eating to right of them,
Eating to left of them,
Eating in front of them,

Not a man plunder'd.
Fainting for bread and meat,
Ab! what a toothsome treat,
On to the horrid Heath,
Into the empty street

Stroll'd the six hundred!
Yell'd all their voices there,
Giving the morning air
Wild oaths-by no means rare,
Cursing their rulers, well,

Who could have wonder'd ?
Longing to kill the bloke
Who had denied them “toke,"

Pall Mall and Horse Guards!
List to the words they spoke,

All who have blunder'd,
Know they strode back-at heart

Not the six hundred !
When can their sorrows fade ?
Oh ! what a row was made

Not a soul wondered ;
Honour the words they said,
Pity their cry for bread,

Wretched six hundred !

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THE BELGIAN RECEPTION. It is pleasant to reflect, when one remembers how very badly matters have been managed generally during their stay, that our Belgian friends must have been flattered by their visit to the Alhambra, where, as they supposed, real Cavalry Colonels had been expressly engaged to receive them !


treat-should not, in the Year of Grace 1867, allude to the press-gang A DOMESTIC drama from the pen of Mr. Henry Farnie has been and the Morning Chronicle as existing facts. The performance of the brought out at the Strand. The piece-by name Reverses—is in two Critic at the Olympic is, on the whole, satisfactory; but is it quite fair acts ; neatly written, and well constructed as far as the plot goes— to put SHERIDAN at the end of the bill and play people out with him ? which is not very far. Three or four of the sentences are quite MR. Horace WIGAN was the Sneer, Mr. CLAYTON the Dangle. Messrs. epigrammatic, and three or four epigrams form a very fair allowance for D. Murray, Vincent, and Montague, played the leading parts in the a domestic drama nowadays. MR. EMERY, M188 ADA SWANBOROUGH, tragedy; and Miss Farken fell in love-went mad—and wore the and Mirs E. JOHNSTONE are the principal performers in Reverses. MR prettiest imaginable dresses—as Tilburina. Emery is powerful, but coarse; his character is a brutal one, but he Miss M. OLIVER, who has persevered through two long and laborious exaggerates its brutality to a painful pitch. We dislike making personal parts for the last eight or nine months, has at last found it necessary allusions, but M188 ADA SWANBOROUGH must allow us to suggest that to yield her part in Meg's Diversions to M188 Carlotta Addison, and the enormous chignon which becomes her 80 admirably in the first act we feel sure that Miss Oliver is too firmly established in her position is utterly out of place in the second. Chignon, perhaps, is not the term as a foremost London favourite to feel that we pass any slight upon to apply to a head of hair which we have reason to believe natural; her when we say that the piece has neither benefited nor suffered by but the exuberance of locks which befits a drawing-room is rather too the substitution. Mi88 ADDISON plays the part in every respect as showy for a poverty-stricken cottage. Apart from this trifling in- well as Miss OLIVER—she does not play it better, because it would be congruity, the lady's performance is charming. Miss Eliza John. simply impossible for anyone to do that. Miss CARLOTTA ADDISON is STONB plays admirably as a stilted and Pharisaical companion;" and rapidly rising to an important place in her profession, and we venture MR. F. Robson-who reminds us more and more of his father every to predict that she will, before many months have passed over her time we look at him-throws plenty of humour into the part of a head, take a leading position in it. There is a fund of quiet fun in her servant. The first scene of the piece is very nicely set. Mr. Byron's comedy, and of deep, earnest feeling in her pathetic situations—a comFra Diavolo has been revived at this theatre, and follows the new bination which is rare indeed, nowadays. Miss OLIVER has it, Miss drama.

Nelly Moore has it, M188 Marie Wilton has it (as all who saw her We never grow tired of the Critic, though the satire of it is mostly play in the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, at the Strand, some inapplicable to present theatrical circumstances. The breed of tragic years since, must admit), and M188 CARLOTTA Addison has it-and authors, like that of spotted dogs, is rapidly becoming extinct; and who besides? few people have taken the trouble to read any of the precious productions that passed for tragedy in the days of Sheridan. But the wit of the first scene remains as fresh as ever when a few judicious altera

“ COMMON" SEN8B.—What Sir T. M. Wilson is not troubled tions in the text have been made. By the way, MR. CHAKLES with. Mathews—whose doubling of Puff and Sir Fretful Plagiary is a real Tus STRAIGHT TIP POK FARMERS.— Tip-Tree Hall.

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