But FREDDY tries another style,

He knows some graceful steps and does 'em

A breathing Poem-Woman's smile-
A man all poesy and buzzem.

NOW FREDDY's operatic pas

Now JOHNNY's hornpipe scems entrapping : Now FREDDY's graceful entrechats

Now JOHNNY's skilful "cellar-flapping."

For many hours-for many days

For many weeks performed each brother,

For each was active in his ways,

And neither would give in to t'other.

After a month of this, they say

(The maid was getting bored and moody) A wandering curate passed that way And talked a lot of goody-goody.

"Oh, my!" said he, with solemn frown, "I tremble for each dancing frater,

Like unregenerated clown

And harlequin at some the-ayter!"

Вол

"Decide!" quoth they, "let him be named,
Who henceforth as his wife may rank you."-
"I've changed my views," the maiden said,
"I only marry curates, thank you!"

Says FREDDY, "Here is goings-on!
To bust myself with rage I'm ready."
"I'll be a curate!" whispers JOHN-
"And I," exclaimed poetic Freddy.

Bal

He showed that men, in dancing do
Both impiously and absurdly,

And proved his proposition true,
With Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly!

THE British Medical Journal states that "Royal letters patent" have been granted to M. ZIEGLER as the inventor of a method of producing vital force. M. ZIEGLER asserts that a vital fluid is disengaged whenever azote and carbon are brought in contact, and gives the following arrangement for generating it :

"A porous cell containing caustic ammonia is immersed in molasses. The end of a silk thread connects the treacle with the ammonia, and then, the circuit being closed, the current of vital fluid passes. It produces on an animated being very considerable effects."

This is interesting! After all, the true Fountain of Perpetual Youth is a jar of Golden Syrup! Its waters do not trickle-they treacle! We are inclined to think that the experiment might be simplified considerably. A caustic remark might be dropt on the asses without the "mol" with quite as much effect, we fancy.

A HACKNEYED EXPRESSION.-"Riding the high horse."

FROM OUR STALL.

In

Ar the Princess's-which theatre is for a time under the control of MR. HERMANN VEZIN-a four-act piece called The Man o' Airlie has been produced. Its author, MR. W. G. WILLS, made an enormous mistake in Scotticising his drama; the scene should have been laid anywhere but where it is. To see a canny Scotchman lend three hundred pounds without any security whatever is to see a miracle; and when have Scotchmen raised a statue to any poet but BURNS and SCOTT? Some of the characters discourse in such broad Caledonian, that it is difficult for a Southron to understand what they say. parts of the play this is not much to be deplored, as the talk now and then becomes tediously prolix. Three acts, or even a couple, would have been enough to tell the story in. With all its faults, though, The Man o' Airlie is interesting, and has the advantages of pretty scenery and good acting. MR. HERMANN VEZIN completely took us by surprise; we never believed him capable of such a masterly performance. His James Harebell reminded us, in the fourth act, of MR. JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle; can we give much higher praise than that? MR MACLEAN was admirable as a dry and cautious old servant; he made a complete picture of him, and came near sharing the honours with MR. VEZIN. MISS NELLY MOORE had little to do beyond looking excessively pretty and graceful-and that never gives her the least trouble. MESSRS. FORRESTER, PRICE, and GRESHAM played small parts effectively. We hope The Man o' Airlie will run, but it wants the pruning knife sadly.

A two-act adaptation from the French was produced the other evening at the Olympic, when Misses MARIA and NELLY HARRIS took a benefit. The piece is called Human Nature, and illustrates the old saying that we go a long way to look for what is close at hand. It was briskly played by MISSRS. HORACE WIGAN, ROBERT SOUTAR (glad to see you back in Wych-street, MR. SOUTAR), and H. J. MONTAGUE. The two MISSES HARRIS and MISS AMY SHERIDAN looked bewitching as brides in esse and in posse.

"Hi've an Idea!"

A FEW days since a hive of bees was being conveyed through the High-street at Winchester, in a South-Western delivery cart, when the cover of the hive was by accident shifted. The bees in escaping became enraged and stung the driver of the cart, and he, being enraged in turn, turned the hive into the street, where the bees stung a number of passers-by, who fled in all directions.

It is very evident that if the bees did not know how to be-hive themselves, the driver didn't in the least know how to behave himself, as behove, or he would not have allowed the boe-hive to be heaved into the street as described behuve-we beg pardon, above!

"The Poet."

We suppose the Times, with that marvellous adaptability it possesses, sent a gentleman of thoroughly "corporate" mind to notice the Corporation display at the Guildhall. As of course City magnates know more about turtle soup than about Heliconian springs, prefer green fat to green bays, and think a poet a very inferior composer to a cook, the Times reporter left his literature at home, and we are accordingly indebted to him for the following charming novelty :

"The poet Wordsworth has somewhere said

'A thing of beauty is of joy for ever.'"

We are a little afraid that if "the Poet WORDSWORTH" ever said anything at all like that line anywhere, it must have been in KEATS'S Endymion, which is generally believed to have been written by "the Poet KEATS," not "the Poet WORDSWORTH." At any rate, KEATS wrote:

"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever."

A GOOD IDEA.

Of all proverbial twaddle
That vexed our youthful days-
(Confound that sage, whose noddle
Gave birth to such a phrase!)—
Commend me to the fiction

Whereby folks urge you should
Not wince 'neath some infliction-
“They mean it for your good!"
They said so when they plied you
With drugs of nauseous taste-
When something they denied you,
Whereon your hopes were placed—
They always urged the fact, you

Must count it understood, That when the masters whacked yon, “They meant it for your good!"

My landlord, but this morning-
Most practical of jokers-
My prayers for patience scorning,
Put in a brace of brokers.
"Why seize with greed abhorrent,
Poor people's livelihoods ?"

I cried. They showed their warrant"They meant it for our goods!"

A Divided House.

HERE'S a strange announcement from the Hackney Gazette :FURNISHED or UNFURNISHED.-A front room in a small Christian family.

Suitable for an elderly lady. Pleasantly situated.-13, B- Cottages, M. road, Dalston. Convenient for Omnibus.

Of course, if there's a front room, there must be a back room; and then, as a natural consequence, there must be divisions in the family. But if there are divisions in the family, how can it be a Christian family? In the name of the elderly Christian lady for whom this trap is laid we pause for a reply.

Answers to Correspondents.

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.]

J. B. B. (Woodridings, Pinner).—We fear that we should be more likely to be "soon shut up" by printing your contributions than by your sending them elsewhere. S. F. C. O.-You were right to head your contribution "Feeble attempt to make a pun." We should not have known it was that, even, without the light thus supplied. A FOREIGNER is evidently no stranger to our back numbers, from which

he reproduces the figures in his sketch.

TEA-CHEST.-Your notions are sloe.

J. F. C. (Glasgow).—The advertisement you send is a local personality, and, therefore, of no use to us.

"JAMIE PRINGLE."-Declined with thanks. We can see nothing marvellous in the fact that your writings have not "seen light through printer's ink." It would puzzle you or any other man to see light through it. SPERANS.-Your lines to A. Patti seem to be inspired rather by a pastrycook than by Apollo.

"AN IN-DOOR PATIENT IN THE HYDROPHOBIA ESTABLISHMENT'

(Redcar) should have his discharge at once and be sent to Earlswood. LORD HORSE (Wolverhampton).-Surely some relation to Baron Hase! MARO.-Such licences are permitted to give variety to blank verse only. D. A. S. (Mincing-lane).-You have contrived to get more old jokes into ten lines of copy than we should have thought possible.

CATO. Evidently not Cato the (Common) Sense-er, or he would have known that the "vile and helpless deformity" was only an artist's layfigure.

E. M. F. sends us a "joke!" and says we may send anything we think it is worth enclosed in an envelope to Eton. But we can't put nothing in an envelope!

B. J. M. M. says, "if we like this mad effusion we are welcome to it." We consider it simply idiotic; to be mad it must have had some sense to

Similia Similibus Curantur.

THIS principle is now accepted by the most eminent professors in the French school of medicine. When the health of the EMPEROR is all Ashy, they invariably prescribe Vichy waters for its restoration.

THE ROCK AHEAD.-What a young husband foresees when the cradle is brought home.

Declined with thanks:-H. S., Bonnie; J. G. H.; C. N. Fulhamplace; I. B.; A. C. H., Richmond; W. T., Fisherton; A. H., Waterloo; P. W. H. J.; The Foxhunter; Doubtful; Shamus, Cork; M. R., Ostend; A. I., Buxton; J. R. C. F.; Bumptious; Bromley; J. M. T, Tredegar; D. E. E. W., Pertsmouth; W. E. G., Herbert-street; Thomas Treacle; J. W. B., Godalming; W. G. & II. D.; Eljadee, Eastbourne; C. F. C., Brighton; C. M., Bloomsbury; Borra Bungalee Boo; (1, 2, 3); Epsilon; L. C. D., Birkenhead; J. Y., West Bromwich; F. H. W.; Cabby; II. L. H.; E.; R. T., Manchester; H. B., Henrietta-street; Armstrong Gun, Warley; Greek; R. R.; J. W., Cursitor-street.

BELGIAN VOLUNTEER.

"Heep, Heep, Hurrah!

"What a many's of peoples. What funny peoples! "They is very hospitables-especially to themselves. I did not get very mosh to eat in the Hotel de Guild, but there was a very fine banquet there-for themselves. Oh, they is very hospitables!

"The little boy Britannique seems very fond of us. He is rather a ragged little boy, not too mosh wash! He climb about my legs, and wish to shake hands!

"Shake hands! Oh, yees! It is the entente cordiale!

"I am welcome to England by the little boy Britannique, who is short, and does not quite tall enough to reach up to my heep"Heep, Hurrah!"

Fireworks.

"Why, on earth, all this row about the Belgians? What, on earth, have they done that we should go into a frenzy? Don't remember anything about them, except that they-well, they didn't win the battle of Waterloo for us.

"Don't know of any other reason for this enthusiasm, except that people in difficulties go over to Ostend-that's an Ostend-sible reason, I suppose."

"Now, then, move on!

669

POLICEMAN.

"Andsome uniform, them furreners. Why don't they dress us somethin' in the same style. Lor, wouldn't the girls admire us then! "Strange-lookin' lot-don't know English a' course. So, though never see 'em afore, I shall have to be a semaphore by way of showin' 'em their ways about.

"It's no easy job to tell a chap to 'take the first to the right, then to the left, cross over by the railway arch, turn down by the chapel, and then ask again,'-all without sayin' a word, by help of your arms and legs.

"Come, now, you boys, 'ook it!"

DALILAH DE DARDY adored,
The very correctest of cards,
LORENZO DE LARDY, a lord-

He was one of HER MAJESTY's Guards.

DALILAH DE DARDY was fat,

DALILAH DE DARDY was old-
(No doubt in the world about that)-
But DALILAH DE DARDY had gold.
LORENZO DE LARDY was tall,

The flower of maidenly pets,
Young ladies would love at his call,
But LORENZO DE LARDY had debts.

His money-position was queer,

And one of his favourite freaks

Was to hide himself three times a year
In Paris, for several weeks.

Many days didn't pass him before
He fanned himself into a flame,
For a beautiful "DAM DU COMPTWORE,"
And this was her singular name:

ALICE EULALIE CORALINE

EUPHROSINE COLOMBINA THÉRÈSE JULIETTE STEPHANIE CELESTINE

CHARLOTTE RUSSE DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE.

She booked all the orders and tin,
Accoutred in showy fal-lal,

At a two-fifty Restaurant, in
The glittering Palais Royal.

He'd gaze in her eyes all the day,
Admiring their sparkle and dance,
And list, while she rattled away

In the musical accents of France.

A waiter, for seasons before,

Had basked in her beautiful gaze, And burnt to dismember MILORE,

He loved DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE! He said to her, "Méchante THÉRÈSE, Avec désespoir tu m'accables! Pense tu, DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE, Ses intentions sont honorables? "Flirtez toujours, ma belle, si tu ôsesJe me vengerai ainsi, ma chère, Je le dirai de quoi on compose Vol au vent à la Financière! LORD LARDY knew nothing of this, The waiter's devotion ignored, But he gazed on the beautiful miss, And never seemed weary or bored.

Bal

He'd gaze in her orbit of blue,

Her hand he would tenderly squeeze,

But the words of her tongue that he knew Were limited strictly to these :

"CORALINE CELESTINE EULALIE,

Houp là! Je vous aime, oui mossoo, Combien donnez moi aujourd'hui Bonjour, Mademoiselle, parlez voo."

MADEMOISELLE DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE Was a witty and beautiful miss, Extremely correct in her ways,

But her English consisted of this:

"Oh my, pretty man, if you please,

Blom boodin, biftek, currie lamb,

Bouldogue, two franc half, quite ze cheese, Rosbif, me spik Angleesh godam!"

The waiter would screw up his nerve,
His fingers he'd snap and he'd dance-
And LORD LARDY would smile and observe,

"How strange are the customs of France!"

Well, after delaying a space,

His tradesmen no longer would wait: Returning to England apace,

He yielded himself to his fate.

LORD LARDY espoused, with a groan,

MISS DARDY's developing charms, And agreed to tag on to his own,

Her name and her newly found arms.

The waiter he knelt at the toes
Of an ugly and thin coryphée,
Who danced in the hindermost rows

At the Théatre des Variétés.

MADEMOISELLE DE LA SAUCE MAYONNAISE
Didn't yield to a gnawing despair,
But married a soldier, and pays

As a pretty and pert Vivandière.

A Canny One.

Ir is announced that PROFESSOR CHARLES DU CANN is giving magical soirées in the Isle of Wight. If he will come to Town we may be able to say what PROFESSOR CHARLES CANN DU in London.