THERE has been a great deal of unnecessary talk about certain recent promotions, and the most unblushing attempts have been made to bring their propriety into question for the mere purposes of party. The public, we feel assured, will be satisfied that all has been done with the utmost propriety, when we mention that Competitive Examination-that most searching of all tests-has been in every case applied. In proof of our statement we give a few extracts from the Examination papers in one instance, The Inspectorship of Fisheries. "The candidate for this appointment was questioned as to his fitness for the office. He stated that he knew a salmon intimately by sight, having frequently observed the fish on GROVES's slab, in Bondstreet. He supposed he should know a salmon-ladder if he saw one, especially if somebody told him what it was. He knew, as he had already stated, what a salmon was, and he also knew what a ladder was, and could, therefore, see no reason why he should not know what a salmon-ladder was. (Several marks in logic were awarded for this answer.) He had been for some years a private Secretary in the War Office. Had there had some experience of the fishy way in which public business is conducted. Would bring that knowledge to bear, if appointed to the inspectorship. Had heard the well-known definition of fishing. Thought that according to that he might claim to be a fisherman, though not a practical one. On being questioned in what his peculiar fitness for the office was supposed to consist, he mentioned that his father was a member of the Ministry. Qualification at once admitted, and applicant passed."

We are delighted to have this opportunity of proving that this appointment was not a mere job, that the present Inspector is not one of those who "dressed in a little brief authority" are likely to "play such fantastic tricks before high heaven, as make the angels "-and Home Secretaries-"weep."

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.-Should " Boots for the Moors" be made of Morocco leather ?"

A COQUETTE.

"Coquette, f. A prattling or proud gossip; a fisking or fliperous minx; a titifill or flebergebit."-Cotgrave, A.D. 1611.

WHEN one meets with a damsel provoking,
Who playfully ventures to set
Her cap at one-only in joking,
One calls her a naughty coquette.
But one little reflects on it, what grave
Aspersions are cast till one thinks

That the term means, according to COTGRAVE,
"A fisking or fliperous minx."

Of course, if she's false and delusive,
She ought to be punished, but, oh!
Not in language so wildly abusive,
It's meaning you really don't know!
Though you may "owe her one," from a debit
So savage your manliness shrinks,
As a "titifill," or "flebergebit,"

A "fisking and fliperous minx."

THE LAMPLIGHTER.
BY A FOGY.

THE Lamplighter, the Lamplighter!
How well in days of yore,

Can I recall his figure tall

The ladder that he bore.

How nimbly 'gainst the post 'twas set,

How nimbly up he ran:

Oh, no! I never shall forget

That old lamplighting man!

The Lamplighter, the Lamplighter!
He's greatly changed, I trow!
With sad surprise I recognise
How he is altered now!

No more does he a ladder bear
To raise him to the wick;

To set the gas-lamps in a flare,
He has a longish stick.

He turns the tap, he lights the jet,
It is a simple plan:

But, oh! I never can forget
The old lamplighting man!

A CANDID CONFESSION.

TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.

OUR CHARLIE CHAMPAGNE.

[After a Modern Poet.]

RED whiskers that typify swelldom,
Rough hair that resembles a mat,
The heavy dull eyes and the seldom

Clean shirt, and the villanous hat;

When these have all lost their attraction,

What shall rest of thee, then? what remain,

Oh, king, of a dubious faction,

Our Charlie Champagne!

Nine lives are not given to mortals,

But alone to conventional cats,

What is one worth by publican's portals,

And vicissitudinous vats?

Fast midnights and head-aching morrows, And the love of a lamp-breaking lark, Change to yawns at the desk and to sorrow, That wear out the clerk.

O garments of colours that frighten

O trousers made straight to the knees-
Short coats, slimmest figures that tighten,
And neckties as green as the trees.

O hands free of gloves and of water,
That dangle a limited cane.

O beau of the publican's daughter,
Our Charlie Champagne!

Who taught thee thy slang then,-now mellow
With rank repetition and age?

Were you innocent ever, young fellow ?
You must have been once, I'll engage.
Did you ever like cricket and rowing?
Were you ever a boy and at school?
Why after your learning and growing
Go playing the fool?

Were you sick of the tug and the tussle,

Of your life that you changed in a year, From the mirth and the manhood of muscle, To the froth and the folly of beer? Relinquish your cutaway clothing,

There's a turn to the lengthiest lane, Come back, and relieve us from loathing, O Charlie Champagne !

FROM OUR STALL.

PUTTING HIS PIPE OUT.

THE revival of GEORGE COLMAN's Heir-at-Law gives us another proof of the Haymarket company's capability for playing old-fashioned comedy. The piece is conventional enough in structure, but the sparkling dialogue would make any living playwright's reputation. We suppose it could hardly be better acted at any house in London than at MR. BUCKETONE's theatre. The manager is at home in the part of Zekiel Homespun; but he should moderate his transports a little in the last act. Zekiel is a rough creature, certainly; but he would scarcely rush, hat on head, into a lady's apartment, capering about wildly, and singing a comic song at the top of his voice to celebrate the winning of a prize in a lottery. MR. COMPTON plays Doctor Pangloss very funnily, and MR. CHIPPENDALE is remarkably good as the temporary Lord Duberly. The only point on which we can compliment MR. FARREN is his dress; he is decidedly one of the best dressers on the stage. There is only one word by which we can accurately describe his performance of Dick Dowlas; the word is "fidgety.". To keep one's eye upon him for more than half-a-minute at a time is to challenge an attack of St. Vitus's Dance. The ladies-MRS. CHIPPENDALE, MISS CAROLINE HILL, and MI88 NELLY MOORE-are genial, graceful, and captivating respectively. The scenery is satisfactory, the "waits" are short, and the intervening music is well selected and well played.

AN apropos farce on the subject of the Paris Exhibition has been brought out at the Strand. It is played with plenty of spirit by MESSKS. THORNE and BELFORD, and Miss ELIZA JOHNSTONE; but there is nothing remarkable in the farce itself.

"Swift Camilla" and the Fenians.

ACCORDING to the daily papers "the troops are still scouring the country after the Fenians." This is surely unnecessary. The country cannot be so very dirty, since the Fenians managed to get clean off.

"Oh, Horrible-Most Horrible!"

HAS body-snatching been resuscitated, and have resurrection-men arisen again? We were alarmed to meet with the following advertisement in the columns of a contemporary :DRAPER'S CLERK WANTED. Must thoroughly understand dissecting. Good character indispensable.-Apply by letter, stating full particulars, to A. B., etc. A horrible thought strikes us that the practices of Burke and Hare have been revived at establishments which bear the outward semblance of draperies. People going to such shops for a few yards of calico, may be supplied unexpectedly with their last linen-or sacking; they may require muslin, and get a suffocating with a pitch plaster. If this be not the case, why, we ask, and we pause for a reply,-why must a draper's clerk thoroughly understand dissecting ?*

Chess and Christianity.

SOME one writing to the English Independent, states that chess ha been forbidden at the rooms of the Christian Young Men's Association, at Aldersgate-street. We are rather puzzled to see why chess should be condemned while draughts and dominoes are exempt. Can it be possible that the game is supposed to glance at the course of the Episcopacy, because "the bishop" moves in a slantindicular direction?

Going for a Song.

A Handy Book on the Law of London Cabs and Omnibuses has been published recently. Its author is a MR. CHARLEY, of the Middle Temple. It lays down the law so sternly against cabby, that "Charley is my Darling" is not like to be a popular song on the rank.

The Missing Baronet.

Ir is not unreasonable to suppose that SIR HEW POLLOK will be found in "The Course of Time."

Perhaps in order that he may know how to cut up bodies-not human ones, but calico ones.-Wife of our Bosom.

NDOUBTEDLY the case of the Poet YOUNG will be productive of good. MAJOR O'REILLY threatens to move for an inquiry into the abuses of the Royal Bounty; and if that step be followed by the trar sfer of that fund to responsible officers, for distribution we shall hear no more of CLOSE and YOUNG Scandals. Should this be the case, nobody will regret that the "Ulster True Blue" managed to impose upon LORD DERBY. My readers will recall, perhaps, the defence of the grant in question by SIR H. BRUCE, who did not seem to see any great insult or injury to the literature of his country in the job. A brief correspondence has ensued between MAJOR O'REILLY and him, and his letter to some degree explains the reason of the course he took. A gentleman who writes

"I do not admit that granting a pension to Mr. Young was an abuse of Royal patronage; and even if I did admit it, I cannot approve personal attacks, unless driven to it in defence, as the mode to correct abuses,"

is clearly little indebted to English literature and composition-even in the humble form of a grammar. It would puzzle LINDLEY MURRAY himself to explain the construction of the sentence I italicise.

THE Accidental Death Insurance Company seem to me to have made a great mistake in refusing to pay the premium on the policy of poor JEFFCOCK, the engineer who lost his life in the performance of his duty at the Oaks Colliery. The reason alleged is, that he met his death through placing his life in "voluntary danger." This they state their clients are forbidden to do "under any circumstances," which expression of course must include the calls of duty. To lay down such a rule is surely impolitic; but when the company goes on to add

"It is the true characteristic of nobleness that it be disinterested. It cannot be disinterested if the direct consequences be to secure pecuniary benefits which under other circumstances would not accrue,"

it not only talks nonsense, but it talks pernicious nonsense, which flies in the teeth of the principle of Life Insurance. I should fancy, unless a new line be adopted by the company, that the number of insurers is not likely to be increased.

THE Picture Galleries are beginning to wake up with the fine weather. The Society of British Artists is open, and the exhibition is the best that Suffolk-street has boasted of for many a long year. There has been an election of new members, and the Society will receive an undoubted accession to its strength in the choice of MESSRS. LUDOVICI, H. MOORE, WALTERS, and HEAPHY. The hanging of the pictures has been very fairly done, and the pictures this year are of a higher degree of merit than ordinary. The French and German Gallery is also open, under the management of MR. WALLIS. The collection is as varied and excellent as usual, and will be one of the treats of the season. The Times' critic winds up his notice by declaring his gladness to observe that the Exhibition" promises to be just as interesting in the hands of MR. WALLIS as it was while under the intelligent control of MR. GAMBART." This strikes me as a one-sided sort of compliment. Perhaps if MR. WALLIS were to give his critics a fancy ball, we might in future hear less of his hands and more of his intelligence.

THE prosecution of MR. EYRE has failed so far. I must candidly admit that I expected as much all along, and that I could almost wish the decision had been pronounced by some better judicial body than a bench of county magistrates. The result would, I believe, have been the same in any case, but of course as there was a risk, the governor's friends were right in advising the course that was taken. The prosecution and their organs are no doubt angry enough, but they have conducted the case throughout as if they did not expect any other termination. It is partly their fault if magistrates will not look upon as a murderer, a gentleman "whose convenience the prosecution desired to consult so often. The Jamaica Committee may, however, comfort themselves with the reflection that though they have failed to hang the governor, his life has been taken-and published by BENTLEY.

THE magazines don't seem to be as flourishing this month as one would expect with this fine spring weather. Belgravia is not up to last month in either art or literature. I have looked through "Circe"

in vain to discover what there is in it to justify the big posters awarded to it. I can see nothing in it different from the ordinary run of magazine stories, unless it be the amateurish and impertinent use of transparent disguises for living characters, such as "Sir Edgar VerMoor' man.' bockhaven and young Curtius Rock, the Monmouth after Marston London Society is very readable this month. "Society in Japan" is a really delightful bit of Praedesque, and "Les Jeux Athlétiques" is a brisk and pleasant little paper. The Argosy boasts a capital illustration this month-a gem. "Shoemaker's Village" continues to sustain its interest, and still abounds in quaint wise reflections and digressions. "Doctor Onofrio" is a strange and absorbing story. In the Cornhill there is a Spanish article with some lamentable little woodcuts, and the usual amount of rather dry reading. MR. LEIGHTON's picture is very nice, but the title is borrowed from a picture of MR. COOPER's in an early number of London Society. Temple Bar I haven't seen yet. Routledge's Magazine for Boys holds its own well again this month; and the Gardener's Magazine is full of information valuable at this time of the year. With this batch of brochures I may class the Popular Railway Guide just published. It seems very clear and comprehensive. American have appeared. Each seems well adapted for the line of Two new papers, the Chronicle and the literature which it aims at taking.

My prophecy about the boat race is-well, that I shall be on the bank, with my colours (dark blue, with a tiny spray of forget-me-not in the centre-if you want one like it go to MR. SULTANA), and that I hope I shall see the dark blue win.

Saturday, 30th March. Had an interview with my Gentleman of the Press, and which he furnished me with the motto I have just wrote down. It is full short; but the respectability of its being one of SCOTT's lot makes amend, though I rather forget where it was as "Lord of the Isles" was made a favourite. As to "swelling my veins," a man is only too apt to feel so if he have been out late the night before. Memorandum. To write to my Young Friend and tell him as "Lecturer is safe for to win the Northamptonshire Stakes on Tuesday.

Monday, 1st April. This being April Fools' Day, put a pot of money on "Lecturer," than whom a better nor yet a gamer little favourite. Forgot to write to my Young Friend. After all, too many cooks spoil the broth, and he might be wanting for to get on himself, or telling his other countrybutors than whom I am sure a more stuckup lot. Much better keep it to myself. To-morrow I shall be a happy old man, if all goes well.

Monday night, 1st April. I am a happy old man! The Lecturer is safe to win. Everybody says so. Have reached Northampton safe and sound, which I think as it is a delightful old city. People quite glad to see the old man about again. It was "Well, MR. NICHOLAS, and how does the world use you, Sir?" or, it was "Quite like old times, again, MR. NICHOLAS, isn't it?" I might, without exaggeration, have become as tight as a drum if I had taken half the drinks which they kindly asked me for to put a tongue to. Backed "Lecturer right and left. If I win this time, I'll be shot if I ever risk so much on a single horse again. Seriously think of retiring altogether. Had a bad touch of rheumatism coming down in the train, through the folly of an illiterative old country parson, which he would insist on keeping the window open, and NICHOLAS would have punched his head for two pins but for my respect for the Church. I daresay as he was some pauper-struck old Curate, with a couple of hundred a-year, asetting up for to be a gentleman and a-turning up of his nose at gents which could buy him up, over and over again. Told him as I could see he had had too much for to drink, and as I should mention it to the guard if he didn't mind his Peace and Cues. He changed carriages at the next station.

Tuesday morning, 2nd April. Glorious! A delightful morningthe sun shining in the terrestial hemisphere like a true Orb of Day. Managed to get a hundred or two more on the game little Lecturer. Ah, who would change the life of a free and happy Turfite for the Student's desk, or yet for the Warrior's camp? You travel about the country, first class; you see the world, so to speak; you mingle with the noblest of Britannia's ancient aristocracy, and it is your own fault if you do not make it pay; and, with good information and an ordinary amount of intelligence, you may really reduce betting almost to a mathematical certainty. Shall never put quite so much on a single horse, though, again-it being too risky. Thank goodness, however, the game little Lecturer is safe to win; and it is positively coining money for to back him. Deuced glad I didn't tell my Young Friend, which he might have forestalled me in the market, though I do not think as he knows much about it.

Tuesday night, 2nd April. Result. If my hand trembles as I write it down, it is not through drink. I wish it was! I wish there was nothing worse than Drink!!! What's the matter? Ruin's the

Smashed again, by all that's vexatious! Knocked over-bowled clean out,-me, NICHOLAS, a man as have known the turf for years,and all by a rank outsider!! Another blow like this will make the Prophet non est. The only consolation is that I acted truthful and fair by my Young Friend, and did not involve him in my own misfortunes.

Wednesday morning, 3rd April. Back again in Belgravia, but I do not think as I shall be able to stay here long. It have already got about as I have had misfortunes; and on coming up in the train, who should I see but my loathsome and low-lived Relative, perhaps the only man on the course as had backed "Quick March," and which he openly derided of me. As for the game little "Lecturer," here is wishing as he was boiled alive-the brute! NICHOLAS.

P.S.-I shall try and bring myself round again all right by backing Cambridge for the University Boat Race.

LEARNING THE VERBS.

"SIGNIFYING TO BE, To Do, OR TO SUFFER.”

"To be?" Well, I followed the track,

That gave me a chance of existence; But I honestly own, looking back,

That it's prettiest viewed from a distance. Just now it seems easy and bright,

But I haven't forgotten my scrambles Over horrible rocks, or the night That I spent in the midst of the brambles. At times from the path I might stray, And thus make the journeying rougher; But still I was learning the way,

"To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer! "To do?" I have worked rather hard, And my present position is cosy ; But I haven't done much as a Bard,

And my prose-well. of course it is prosy!
The schemes and the aims of my youth
Have long from old Time had a floorer,
And I doubt shall I tell you the truth?
If the world be a penny the poorer!
If you cannot your vanity curb,
You must either, my friend, be a duffer,
Or you haven't yet learnt that a verb
Is "To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer!"
"To suffer?" I took my degrees
Long ago in that branch of our knowledge,
Where our hearts and our hopes are the fees,
And the universe serves as a college.

I have had, as it is, rather more
Than the usual share of affliction;
And that much is remaining in store
Is my very decided conviction.
But I find myself growing with years,
Insensibly tougher and tougher;
I can manage, I think, without tears,
"To Be, and to Do, and to Suffer!"
I have stated the facts of the case,
But heaven forbid I should grumble;
And I need not complain of a place
That suits my capacities humble.

I have learnt how "to be"-well, a man :
How "to do"-well, a part of my duty:
And in "suffering," own that the Plan
Of the World is all goodness and beauty!
Still at times from the path I may stray,
And thus make the journeying rougher;
But, at least I am learning the way,
"To Be, and to Do, and to Suffer!"

Coming to the Point.

THE Jamaica Committee had better turn their attention to Ireland, where the most dreadful atrocities seem to have been perpetrated during the suppression of the Fenian rising. A most savage small-arm appears to have been supplied to the Irish con-stab-ulary, for we learn from the Standard that a witness examined before the Waterford Election Committee said :

"The police repeatedly charged the mob at the point of the bayonet, which was continued for a distance of 200 er 300 yards."

This terrible bayonet, fixed on an Irish firearm warranted to shoot round the corner, might well alarm the Fenians!

Latest from the Zoo.

As a slight acknowledgment of the services of M. DU CHAILLU in the exploration of the Gorilla Country, it is in contemplation to offer that gentlemen a scat on the Monkey Board-of an omnibus.

The Boilers Abroad.

THE money which has been so needlessly expended on our preparations for the French Exhibition-which, by the way, bids fair to be a gigantic fiasco-was surely enough for England to sacrifice. But will it be believed that one of the chief objects to be exhibited in Paris as a sample of what we can do is-a model sixty feet square of the South Kensington Museum? Fancy a large reproduction of the Boilers as an example of English architecture. Oh, COLE, COLE! dear-particularly dear to your country, how could you disgrace her thus ?

THE FLEET PRISON.-Racing stables during a hard frost.