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Mr. Bull (to the father of the lodger franchise*) :-“COME, THOSE TWINS ARE NOT LIKELY TO BE ANY CREDIT TO YOU. YOU'D BETTER TAKE BACK THIS NEGLECTED CHILD!”

* Vide MR. DISRAELI's speech on the second reading.

AN UNAPPRECIATED CRICHTON.

St. Elmo, thinks no more of the grand old Scottish gentleman than of

the mail-clad knights of the Order of St. John. JONES has a party to night

AINSWORTH, WILLIAM Harrison. BY MR. W-LLIAM H-RRISON Bat there's no invitation for me to it.

A-NSWORTH. Born at Manchester, in February, 1805. Spent most of People are cutting me quite ;

his early life, after once riding to York, in examining the Tower of I shall pay a few visits and see to it.

London, Windsor Castle, Old St. James', Old St. Paul's, Ovingdean True, I've a thousand a year,

Grange, and other ancient buildings. Spent most of his later life in And am reckoned the pink of propriety;

writing the most delightful fictions of the day. His descriptions of As to good-looking, look here !

furniture are particularly excellent. Yet I never get on in Society.

Alison, Sir AICHIBALD. BY SIR ARCH-BALD AL-80N. Many

volumes will be required in the following endeavour to trace, with the "Tis not as though I were shy,

greatest possible succinctness, the career of an historian whose works Or unmannered, or not introducible,

will be remembered as soon as those of MACAULAY, CARLYLE, and Lower bred fellows than I

FROUDE shall be forgotten. At his birth, in 1792, Europe was just in Have triumphantly gone through the crucible.

the throes of the French Revolution, in eighteen volumes, of which an Many get polished in time

abridgement has been published for the use of schools ; nor would it At the cost of a little anxiety;

bo possible to understand the principles that have chiefly influenced What's my particular crime

his career, without a curt summary of the Act of 1826, which, at the That I never get on in Society ?

time when Sir Alison was still in the prime of manly vigour, inter

dicted the further issue of one-pound notes. To a brief analysis of Dance ?— Well, I think I may say I'm as graceful a partner as anyone :

this ill-judged measure, the next three thousand pages will be devoted,

and it will then be easy for us (No, it won't!-Ed.] Sir, I could caper away

BROWNING, Robert. By Mr. R-BBKT BR-WNING. Not where grey To a whistle-though simply a penny one.

lichens crumble on the wall, Or lizards through the twisted grass-roots Sing ?-I could give you a list

crawl, Eyes quickly glancing when their sight perceives Insects swift Of enormous extent and variety.

fluttering through serrated leaves, Glaucous in colour as the weeds that Play ? - Let me show you my wrist;

lie In rocky basins by the ebb left dry Was Mr. BROWNING born! Yet I never get on in Society.

Old nurses tell How the boy first saw light at Camberwell, And Hearing me talk is a treat,

stretched his arins, impatient, to the sun. Of many poems that he When I take a discourse philosophic up

wrote, the one Least understood and cared for by the herd Was hight During the tea, or repeat

“Sordello.” Critics, with absurd Indifference to merit, swore that it Little anecdotes over my coffee-cup.

Was unintelligible, every bit. He let them rail ; RABBI Ben Ezra If you've a passion for purs

wrote :-"Star-blossoms, earth-mocked, twinkle." Do you note ? I could feed you on them to satiety

Hence, for the moral of his verse, confess, Incomprehensible its lofti. New and original ones;

ness. So, there's my fable ended; for the rest, Blue-flowering borage, Yet I never get on in Society.

nitrous, is the best.
Two or three glasses of wine
Give a spur to good-humour and merriment;

SONG FOR MUSIC.
So that, wherever I dine,
I attempt the delightful experiment.

I HEARD your voice at early dawn,

When soft the breeze was blowing,
Not that I drink till I lapse

And night's dark curtains were withdrawn
From the paths of the strictest sobriety;
Still, now and then-why, perhaps-

By Phoebus' fingers glowing -.
Yet I never get on in Society !

'Twas you, I know, cried “ Milk below".

And then I heard you going.

I hailed your voice, so sweet to me
OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.

It has my pleasure's sum in it.
By Most OF OUR EMINENT AUTHORS.

Until adown the street, you see,

Your voice comes, all is dumb in it; ABD-EL KADER (Sidi-el-Hadji Ouled-Mahiddin). By CAPTAIN M-YNE

For I await my milk at eight, R-D. Born in the early part of 1807, in the neighbourhood of Mas

Because I then tako rum in it. cara. Valley of Oran, from my boyhood I have known thoo well! Come, reader, let us seat ourselves on the snow-clad summit of the mighty Atlas. On every side of us are mountain peaks ; in front, the

Very Extraordinary. tolerably fertile valley ; in the dim distance, the waters of the blue Mediterranean. Overhead soars the aigleor eagle). Safe on our Paris, who spent a third of his life at dinner, died of a fit of indigestion.

A LITTLE while since, Rene LARTIQUE, a celebrated gourmand of cloudy pinnacle, and liberally provided with fire-arms, we defy thee, The Paris correspondent of one of our contemporaries describes him in thon tyrant of the air. Ha, ha, thou ravenous bird of prey Long the strongest terms :resisted the armée Française (French army). Was captured in 1847. Imprisoned in France. Fair valley of the Seine, I know thee well! " His dress was most wretched-his shors broken, his trousers torn, his paletot

without any lining and patched, his waistc at without buttons, his hat red rusty See; yonder goes the humble ouvrier (workman) to the cabaret (public- from old age, aud the whole surmounted by a dirty white beard.” house). He quaffs the vin ordinaire (ordinary wine). What a fool he must be! Released by Louis NAPOLEON in 1852. Resides at Damas.

It is a pity that so great a curiosity could not have been prevailed cus, or somewhere else in Asia. Valley of the Tigris and Euphrates, realized enough to supply him with dinner all day lons, by exhibiting

on to survive until the Exhibition. We doubt not he might have I know thee well! Away, away ! | ABERCROMBY, Sir Ralpu. By Mr. J-mes H-NNAY. Born in 1738, himself to those who would pay to see a man with a dirty white beard

a cadet of an ancient and honourable Scottish house, at Tullibodie, in growing on the top of his hat.
| Clackmannan. Received a liberal education; ingenuas didicisse fideliter,
eh, BRADLAUGH, my boy? Served against France during the ascend-

Hey-Day! ancy of the first NAPOLEON- who fed the revolutionary mob with

The organ of Liberal Constitutionalism or Constitutional Liberalism blood, as you would offer a churl a black pudding. SIR RALPH natu- (you pay your money for your journal and may take your choice-one rally resisted him, as became an honourable Conservative gentleman. term means just as much, and as little, as the other) is ably written and Let us at least give our dads their due-not your dad, POTTER, my well conducted. It works the particular oracle of its party with tact, son! Let us be fair to them all, following the Ciceronian advice, and its criticisms and its literary department generally are good. It Neminem lædere, et suum cuique tribuere." (De Officiis.) Jolly old can also appreciate a joke. But when it did as the honour to adopt in M. 'T. C.! In 1861 received sailing orders for the Mediterranean. its leader on Tuesday, the 2nd of April, our joke about Mr. Mill and The fine old Caledonian cock was in his sixty-fourth year when, after the Rat-catcher's Daughter Franchise, from our issue of the previous quaffing his final tumbler with much punctuality, he fought his last Wednesday, we should have better appreciated the honour if the battle, and thrashed the Frenchman in the classic neighbourhood of quotation had bech acknowledged. Alexandria. Arms (after the fashion of “canting heraldry'') —“A bear,” regardant, a quartern loaf, crumby~"crombie,” Scotée. Was buried at Malta, where Fitz-Cad of the Teapot (gunboat), as he swills cheap

REFLECTION.- By a Toc!etailer. champagne and chaffers with the Jews under the walls of the Castle of MODESTY is like a sober flower-it takes no more than its due.

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MEN WE MEET.

assume, as he assumed in 1863, that the
gentleman in the blanket is a popular

3
actor, who is going to “make up
BY THE COWIO PHYSIOGNOMIST.

" for nine different characters. To accomplish

this, he has whiskers, moustachios, beards, WIGS AND WHISKERS.

and imperials of several varieties, together
HE C. P. has by implication pledged him with the costumes necessary to his pur-

self, as it were, to provide each chapter of pose. The C. P. does not propose to dilate
his work with something in the shape of upon the characteristics of his various

disguises. He has sketched them in the
an epigrammatic heading. “Wigs and
Whiskers" is short and alliterative, and margin, and, after a few words of intro-
80 far it fulfils the conditions which such a

duction, he proposes to allow them to tell

their own tales.
heading demands. But the C. P. is bound
to admit that as it stands it does not quite decent mechanic. It is difficult to say why

He begins, say, with No. 1, who is a
convey an accurate idea of the matters of the decent mechanic prefers to shave his
which he intends to treat in this chapter. cheeks and his upper lip, and to allow the
For “Wigs,” read natural heads of hair; hair to grow around and beneath his chin
and for “Whiskers," read the hair that
grows on the faces of men, whether that

as it pleases, just as it is difficult to trace
hair be allowed to grow in its native free the origin of any class custom so accurately
shape of whiskers, or moustache, or im- difference between the appearance of the
dom, or whether it be trimmed into the as to be able to assign a reason for it.

No. 2 is, say, a Cabinet Minister. The perial, or beard, or all, or any of these. Cabinet Minister and the decent mechanic is entirely due to such And the C. P. has often had occasion to

causes as every actor has at his command. The C. P. has taken the remark that many gentlemen of higher consideration than himself, who have ac

same bare head for both subjects, and the difference between them is

attributable entirely to wig, whiskers, and costume. quired a reputation for epigram, continually

find themselves under the secessity of supplementing their definitions with a dozen lines of explanation whenever they employ them as the texts upon which they found their

5 discourses. Epigram is an intellectual short-hand which is tolerably easy to write, but extremely difficult to understand when once written.

There lies before the C. P. a volume which contains the crude notions on the subject of Physiognomy, which he gave to the world a few years since, and to which he has more than once had occasion to refer in contemptuous terms. In that volume, the curious reader may light upon a page which is devoted to the consideration of the very matters which form the subject of the present chapter. It will supply the curious reader with an interest. ing study, if he takes the trouble to compare the incoherent expressions of the C. P.'s then immature ideas on the subject with the sounder offspring of his ripened intellect, embodied in the chapter which he is now engaged in writing.

The C. P. proposes now, as he proposed then, to take a hairless man as the basis of his remarks. But the philosopher's in

No. 3 is, perhaps, a getter up of public companies. The same head creased experience in the study of Man

but with the showy hair, active, mobile eyebrow, and flashy whisker kind has taught him to take a much wider

of an ad captantum orator. view of the subject of hair and beard than

No. 4 is a Linesman. His whiskers and moustache are trimmed to he did on the twelfth day of December, eighteen hundred and sixty- order. He has very little option in the matter. His hair is necesthree. It has taught him that the hair and beard, although they sarily kept short, and he is obliged modify the human countenance to an astonishing degree, must not be to keep his chin free from beard. taken by themselves alone. They must be taken in connection with Shave him, strip him, and wrap him in

6 the general dress, figure, and physical

a blanket, and he is our friend in the bearing of their wearers, which are affected

initial. by the same influences as those which

2

No. 5 is a Civil Engineer, or, perhaps affect the disposition of the hair upon the

a Contractor. His full, rough beard head and face. There is a certain form of

is usually associated with rough, loose whisker which is associated only with a

clothes, and a rough, untidy hat. He particularly prim style of dress ; a certain

has a great deal too much upon his form of beard which is always to be found

mind to allow of his wasting a minute in company with a loose and slovenly

for the consideration of so unimportant costume, and so forth. Show the C. P. à

a matter as his personal appearance, man's face, and he will tell you how he is

Anything that is big and loose, and dressed. He may be wrong in matters of

will allow him plenty of room to move unimportant detail, but his general im

about in, will do for him. pression as to the man's dress will be

No. 6 is an artist, and belongs to a correct. Influenced by these considera

peculiar type of semi-fashionable artist tions, he has not only taken a hairless

which affects a French or Italian exman as his propositus, but he has taken

terior. It is difficult to understand a man who is not only hairless but un

how any Englishman, who has ever clothed. He has wrapped him, for pro

seen a Frenchman, could possibly wish priety's sake, in a blanket, and stuck him

to dress like one; but the C. P. acinto the initial T to this chapter, because

cepts the fact as he finds it. Artists, he is the text upon which the philosopher's

singers, and acrobats are the only

Bale discourse is to turn. The C. P. will

people, as far his

observation

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GEOGRAPHICAL “BOOK MAKERS." 7

Il y a fagots et fugots; there are scientific societies and scientific 8

societies. Some have for their object the advancement of human knowledge, or the utilization of such knowledge as has already been acquired. Others are devoted to the wiling away of idle evenings, by means of sensational novelties, or the glorification of tuft-hunting chairmen, who are always parading before the public their “most distinguished friends."

The Royal Geographical Society is well-known for its fashionable evening amusements. Its managers endeavour to provide an attractive bill of fare for every evening meeting; Of late, however, the entertainments have been very slow, and the attendance of visitors proportionately decreased. But a tragedy, over which all England mourns, had been enacted in a foreign land. One of the bravest and best of her sons had been struck down by a savage hand, and LIVINGSTONE

This was one of those occasions out of which capital could be made, and the members of the society were informed that they were to be favoured with a “LIVINGSTONE evening.”. After all, there was nothing to be said or done with which the public were not already acquainted, and the directors of the entertainment endeavoured to eke out the programme by adding a burlesque to the tragedy.

Sir Samuel Bakir entered into the performance with great spirit, has extended, who, being Englishmen, wish to be mistakon for money, offered to bet a large stake that Dr. LIVINGSTONE was not dead.

when he stated that the President, although he did not wish to win foreigners.

The inuendo was received with much laughter, which was greatly inNo. 7 is a literary beard, and a literary head of hair.

creased when Sin RODERICK MURCHISON corrected his “most distinNo. 8 is another artistic head, but

guished friend," and stated that he had only offered to take long odds of a totally different kind to No. 6.

against Dr. LIVINGSTone's being alive. It belongs to a member of the vigor

Our readers must not think that we are fooling. These were the rites ous and sensational school of artist.

that were celebrated by the President and Members of the Royal People of this school cultivate a semi

Geographical Society in memory of one of the noblest and most fearless sávage exterior-fling aside the con

travellers that ever left the shores of England. If we must have pseudoventionalities of society as well as

scientific after-dinner meetings, let them, at least, be conducted with art, and clothe every simple action with

decency, Those of the Geographical Society are not held in any high an assumed eccentricity which is part of

respect by scientific men, who object to see the inarticulate Englishtheir stock in trade.

men, that yet have surmounted dangers in every part of the world, No. 9 is a whisker and head of hair

dragged on their feet to be stared at through opera glasses like wild of the truest policemanic type. Take

beasts; and this for no evident purpose but to enable the Chairman of this particular whisker, and this par

the evening to claim thein as his “most distinguished friends." ticular head of hair, and associate it with a bishop's lawn, or surmount it with a regal diadem, or send it out

Bnswers to Correspondents. for a walk with a Roman toga, and you will find that its policeman's nature

[We cannot return rejected MSS, or sketches unless they are accornwill assert itself as strongly as ever.

panied by a stamped and directed envelope.] It is a wig and whisker that could

SILENTIA must pardon us if we don't give consent. not exist except in association with

"The LAY OF THE BOAT RACE" is respectfully declined. “Odds on a blue coat and a number on the collar.

Oxford" is the lay we believe in.

K.-Perhaps.

S. E., Luton.-But instead of "seluton" we must say adieu !
A TERRIBLE DISCOVERY.

HUNGARIAN DEAK.-Deak-lined with thanks. * FALSE RARS of flesh colour--india-rubber-have been invented for the use of

BEN, Holborn.--We could not do it, if you were Ben Nevis himself. ladies with large ears. They are used in front of the real ears, which are drawn

Dasu.- Not up to our standard_a high-fun. back and concealed under the hair."-Court Journal.

JUSTITIA.-What do you wish to say fiel at ?

CALIBAN.-Cali-banished ! AH! fairest of maidens, with masses of hair,

“A Young Beginner" had better leave off as soon as possible. Down-falling-80 classic !—to cover your eyes,

AN INQUISITIVE ROSEBUD.- We are not in a position, just yet, to answer. I know for my coming, dear, how you prepare,

PAISLEY.-We shawl not be able to use it. And arrange for your curtsey and charming surprise.

H., Newport.—Too late. When I bashfully greet you and enter the room--

Roovee's jokes are too roodee-montal. With a hope for your welcome that's tempered with fear- W. M., Winchester, writes that he "encloses A few riddles, and hopes There's one thing that fills me with terrible gloom,

they will meet our Approval," and adds, " An Answer will oblige.” We And there's that on the table I dare not come near.

wish we could add another capital " Aye" instead of a "No."

GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS.--No use. I have loved you so long that each charm of your face

STEREO A. A.-Don't! Is indelibly printed, sweet maid, on my heart,

SCRUTATOR.—Good boy! If you go on like this, you'll be qualified as a I have watched you grow ever in maidenly grace,

reader in a printing office. And nothing my love from your image can part.

C.C. P. says if we "consider the enclosed worth inserting,” we are to "do I am true to my word, but what's this that I see ?

so under the assumed name of Herminius." We do not see why we should I am bound to adore you for ever, and yet

assume that name—even supposing we were silly enough to insert the lines. There's a sight on the table that's dreadful to me,

Brum evidently can't see the point of a joke. Your ears in the workbox !-explain it, my pet.

Jacekar is not likely to suit, so had better save his time and opre.

W. L. G., Earl's-court, tells us that "little natural oozings manifest You say india-rubber, and own that you wear

themselves from his humble brain.” It must be softening, but that is no That terrible thing where your ear was before,

reason why he should send his oozings to be an-oozance to us. How often devotion I've ventured to swear

Declined with thanks-Septimus Meek; Constant Reader; Diek; A To that ear so inanimate; now never more

Werkly Subscriber; W. P.; Paridy; A Lotger; A; Sligo; Fun Ma My lips near the side of your head shall be placed

Coul ; w. G. T. Deptford ; XIT; A Customer; Anti-Intolerance ; Excuse a huge tear, but I've reason to blubber;

Moderation; R. B., Manchester; F; D.; "Harry Seymour; Eucliá

Pipps; Horeb; A. S. S.; Mephistopheles; Q in a Corner; Walter; CadFor never was man so undone and disgraced,

mium Yellow; R. W.; Garottee; K. C. L. H.; T. S. B.,, Edinburgh; To think that I've loved and caressed india-rubber!

N. E, P.; R. K.; G. B. W.; Quiz; S. J. S. L ; Pool; J.J. Manohester;

R. G., Batb; A. W.; " Elizabeth Briggs;" Desmotes; R. J. L., A Poser.

Timperley; G. H. N.; B. B. H. M.; W. W.; B. Y., Croydon; 3. T.

Tig: 1. A, Charlton in Medlock; G. D., junr , Elinburgh; F. L. M. ; SPELL the Grecian Archipelago in three letters! You can't? Why Prisoners' Base; W. H. D.; H. 2. F.; B. W. M., Liverpool; 3. H. D., E. G. and C., of course.

Dorset-square.

Bab

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