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POT AND KETTLE. Owner (to Jockey who has just won a jumping race) :-—"CONFOUND YOU! WHY DID YOU GO AND WIN? I PAID YOU to lose. I CALL IT À DEAD SWINDLE.'


For the Satisfaction of a Gentleman.

“ An Abridgement of all that is Pleasant.” “Man," says the bard, “wants but little here below," and the man We read that a Mr. Dancer has succeeded in taking photographic who wrote the following advertisement shall not“ want that little long,” portraits in collodion so small that they are wholly invisible to the if we can help it :

naked eye. How delightful if one could only have some of one's

friends done in this way—we mean, of course, those friends one likes WANTED, an ARTICLE for MANUFACTURE (patented or otherwise) which

promises a fair remunerative profit.- Persons having such for sale, or able to the better the less one sees of them. suggest one, may address (by letter first) P. B. Dear, dear, to think the advertiser could not "suggest" for himself

A Patent Fact. one of the thousand remunerative unpatented dodges for manufacturing MY DEAR EDITOR,—You know why the Atlantic is like a wooden articles now in practice! He might write musical criticisms with nutmeg ? I don't believe you do; but if you were to ask any smart out going to concerts or operas, or he might supply a Paris letter with young man who had nothing to carry in his mind but the stock puns out quitting his comfortable lodgings in Islington; or, better still, he of a commercial room, I daresay he would give you the answer at might become a Railway Financier, and issue illegal debentures. One once. Perhaps you haven't such an individual on the premises, and would be inclined to think, from the advertiser's guileless simplicity can't spare a boy to go out and fetch one. So I will tell you why the and child-like innocence, that P. B. must stand for Præ-Barnumite Atlantic is like a wooden nutmeg. Because it's a notion. Ta, ta! or stay, perhaps for the familiar name of a popular actor whose life

TOMKINS. like impersonation of the Kinchin, and other characters of juvenile innocence and truthfulness, are so widely known that he is instantly

Volunteer Intelligence. called to mind by the truthful expression, “I believe you, my boy."

The good people of Dover are so delighted at the idea of having the

Volunteer Review next Easter Monday, that the Town Council have TRUE AND FAST.

passed a resolution that all the corps are to be supplied gratis with a

dozen rounds of ammunition in the shape of Dover's powders.
What every one knows is
That some one supposes
That FLORIDA's roses

Generals, not Particulars.
Are nothing but paint.

An American friend glancing, the other day, over the Times ad-
Such suspicions would grieve her,

vertisements, observed that, since the close of the war and disbandment So let it be known,

of the army, the advertisers for “general" servants might import an They're so truly her own

ample supply from America.
That they won't even leave her,
When she's in a faint.


Landon : Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

April 20, 1867.

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HALP a length, half a length,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Thames

Rowed the Eights, onward!
“Go!” was the starter's cry,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to win-or try;
Into the valley of Thames

Rowed the Eights, onward !
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers each side of them,

Snorted and thundered !
Cheered at by cad and swell,
Boldly they rowed and well,
Under Barnes Railway-bridge,
On past the Ship Hotel,

Rowed the Eights, onward!
O but the sight was fair,
Flashed the oar-blades in air, .
Trying the rowlocks there,
Rowing to Mortlake, while

All the world wondered.
Plunged in the steamer smoke,
Fiercely in front they broke;
Strong was the Oxford stroke,

Nobody blundered;
Then they rowed back, but not

As they rowed onward !
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers in front of them,

Snerted and thundered;
Cheered at by cad and swell,
While horse and Cockney fell,
They that had rowed so well,
Came through Barnes Railway-bridge,
Back from the Ship Hotel,
All that was left in them

Since they rowed onward !
When can their glory fade ?
O, the wild spurts they made!

All the world wondered.
Honour the spurts they made,
Dark and Light Blue Brigade,

Each worth a hundred !

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A Complete Letter Writer.

News for the Nursery. The papers these last few days have presented examples of composi- We are informed that an enterprising American publisher is about tion which we hasten to throw into general forms, available for the to bring out a volume of nursery literature, in which the stories and compiler of the next edition of “ The Guide to Correspondence." rhymes of the exploded old country” will be adapted to the tastes The first instance in an apology for a libel :

and understandings of young America. To illustrate this we shall "GENTLEMEN,–1 bereby acknowledge with regret that spread a report that venture on a version in prose of Humpty Dumpty. you had made an offer of a composition to your creditors, and wou

“Humpty Dumpty sot hisself on a tall rail. Humpty Dumpty Gazette if it was not accepted, and that having seen a circular, I knew it to be true. dropt off his perch-ker-squash. And all the equipages, and all the I deeply regret having spread this slander, and I can assure you that the statement liveried menials of an effete monarchical system was just a one-hoss about the circular must have escaped me unintentionally, as it was not a fact that I affair as regarded the sottin' of that unfort'net cuss on that everlastin' had seen one. -Signed, &c."

We need hardly give a form for the getting up of a testimonial to rail agin!. Moral :—The skreekin bird of Freedom what roosts on the the author of the above, as the reasons for presenting him with one must zenith, with his head tied up in the star-spangled banner, rather be obvious to the commonest capacity.

kalklates that monarchy is played out—some !" The next form is to enable on irritable author to turn the flank

Now, then, Stick-in-the-mud !” of a too keen criticism. It may be addressed to the editor of a daily paper:

We find a curious advertisement in the Aberdeen Herald :“SIR, -A remark in a recent book of mine (which I am not endeavouring of course

Clay Pit to be Let. to advertise by this letter) has been noticed in the Slaughterly in no injurious, a TO BE LET, on Lease, the Bed of valuable CLAY

at Barca occupied for many with

years by A. N., Esq., and belonging to the Society of Advocates in Aberdeen. through your columns. My critic quotes my words, "No. 19, Black-street, and No. 22, White-street, ought to attend to their duties,” and asserts that I bring a Really, MARGERY Daw, who is stated in history to have parted with charge of negligence against Messrs. Smith

and Brown, This is most unfair-i her bed and taken to a litter, is a harmless eccentric compared with never mentioned either Smith or Brown. Their names have been dragged in by A. N., Esq., who has for many years occupied a bed of clay. We premy critic.-I am, &c."

sume the clay is of a heavy and tenacious character, and that it joined We leave this model letter to recommend itself, merely noting that the Society of Advocates out of the respect to be expected of Stick-inMr. Smith resides at 19, Black-street, and Mr. BROWN at 22, White- the-mud, for the “law's delay.” street.

Too Bad.
Sweet William.

THose who would “rob a poor man of his beer" are frequently the
CERTAIN Tories are fond of sneering at MR. GLADSTONE as "The very people who would rob him of his 'bacca too. They should be
People's WILLIAM.” Of course it is a question of taste; but surely known as " bar clay and BARCLAY's.”
one may be allowed to prefer “The People's WILLIAM" to MR.


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VOL. v.

Town Talk.



I see that JAMES LONGHURST, the Shere murderer, has been exec

cuted. Now, his was a case which on all points ran parallel with BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.

Wager's case. If Mr. WALPOLE was really guided by the rule he laid

down in Wager's case, it would be well for some M.P. to ask him HE Oxford and Cambridge why he has not applied the rule to LONGHURST's case. Personally, I

boat-race Saturday am and always have been opposed to capital punishment, as degrading
week added one more to and brutalising to those who carry it out, or witness it, and utterly
the long list of Oxford useless as a deterrent. But MR. WALPOLE is making it a complete
victories. It was a splen- mockery—a lottery—by the course he has adopted. Once passed, the
did race-a race to lose sentence of death should be carried out, unless innocence is proved
which by so little was after the trial, but to pass the sentence with the certainty of a reprieve
almost a victory, so the is to weaken justice. The prerogative of mercy must be taken out of
verdict is “ Honours di- hands too weak to wield it. Why did they ever spoil an amiable country
vided." It is easy to gentleman to make a bungling Home Secretary? Surely not that the
preach to the losers how salmon might be handed over to the experienced care of a War Office
they might have won, but clerk!
I may just make one re- Mr. Neste in discussing the TOOMER case, used some rather plain
mark” which the Cam- language as to “the manifest and notorious incapacity to exercise his
bridge trainers will do judicial functions” of the jndge who “encouraged—nay, compelled
well to keep in mind :- the verdict " in that case. The Law Journal draws attention, à propos
In spite of all the coaching of MR. Neate's remarks, to the fact that the same judge bad an ex-
and the improvement of actly similar matter to deal with last year at Derby, when a man called
the stroke during training, BEKRIDGE was found guilty of a like offence to Toomer's on evidence
directly the tug of war quite as. unsatisfactory. MR. JUSTICE SHEE—of course it was Mr.
came, precept and practice JUSTICE SHEB !-sentenced him to ten years of penal servitude. MR.
were forgotten, and the WALPOLE pardoned BERRIDGE, yet with his usual consistency refused
men got back into the old, to pardon TOOMER—but that is not the question at present. The ques-
pretty, fatal, clipping style. tion under discussion is the fitness of MR. JUSTICE Sree for the office
The Oxford tactics were he holds, and to see that clearly and forcibly argued out, I must refer
the old ones, but the stroke my readers to the Law Journal, and I fear they will not rise from the
was not quickened until perusal with a high opinion of his judicial qualities. The Law Journal

very late—almost too late. very properly calls on MR. NEATE either to withdraw what he has said, I regretted last week that the race had become a bookmakers' busi- or to move an address praying that the "learned” gentleman be reness—one whole steamer was occupied by the fraternity! Men who do moved from office. not scruple, when it suits their purpose, to lame or drug a racehorse, A new scientific journal, the Laboratory, has appeared. It is to would, probably, think little of disabling or knocking out of condition record the minor and tentative labours, the successful and unsuccessful a member of one of the crews; and that's why I wish the race had no experiments, as well as the established results and conclusions of bets but patriotic ones depending on it. It was delightful to see at science. It does not require a scientific man to see that such a paper what an early hour and in what weather the supporters of Dark will be valuable. The Chronicle seems to improve as it goes on-we and Light Blue made their way to the slushy, sloppy river-bank and want a good and impartial literary paper, not devoted to the cordial waited out the event. The ladies mustered in great numbers, with an praise of bad novels or of the editor's last new book of travels. The utter disregard for damaged toilettes. The cavalry were as great a Lady's Own. Paper is another improving paper. It gave an admirable nuisance as ever; and towards the end of the morning the “rough" engraving of a flattering portrait of Miss HERBERT the other day. It element put in an appearance. The earlier the race is rowed the better, is well and carefully edited—and that is the first necessity of such a for only those who take a genuine interest in it will come at six o'еlock paper. in the morning. I hope Cambridge will not allow the croakers to pre- MR. S. C. Hall had the honour the other day of presenting the first vail, but will renew the challenge next year. She has done her work number of his Art Journal Catalogue of the French Exhibition to the well, with the luck against her; if some of the chancework as to choice EMPEROR, at the Tuileries. It was graciously received, His MAJESTY of place were eliminated it would be better, but meantime she may observing that “the work would be a wonderful one when completed.” rest assured that if she reverses the decision of fortune next year, she The same thing might be said about the Exhibition itself; the remark will have no more sincere or generous congratulations than those with would have been as well deserved, though it would not have been which the Dark Blue will hail her success.

considered as complimentary possibly, when applied to the building Capital photographs of the two crews have been published by MR. instead of the book. ERNEST EDWARDs, of Baker street. Both crews deserve a space on the walls of old 'Varsity men, for they have rowed one of the best races on record.

ODE TO APRIL SHOWERS. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN delivered rather a judgment than a charge in the case of Messrs. Nelson and BRAND, but the grand jury

HAIL!-no, I don't mean hail, returned “no true bill.” In other words, though by the letter of the

But pelting showers of rain, law, MESSRS. SHYLOCK and Co., of the Jamaica Committee, had a claim

Which, to be brief and plain,

Do far too much prevail. for their pound of flesh, no body of sensible Englishmen would consent to be parties to punishing men for saving a British Colony. What is

Welcome !—I don't mean that, more, if a similar case arose to-morrow, I am sure another governor

I do not welcome wet, would have no hesitation in hanging another Gordon, and the verdict

But so perplexed I get would be the same—and I can't say I'm sorry for it. Men who foster

I don't know what I'm at, disaffection, and directly or indirectly promote insurrection, must suffer With streams of water from my garments running, for the lawlessness they originate: and governors who have the honour

Like habits, quite in-wet-erate, of punning. of England's name and of English women to protect will not hesitate

Rain! to do their duty because a Committee may prosecute them, or because

Deign somebody may write their lives. In the meantime, what can the

To list while I complain, Jamaica Committee do? Nothing, as far as I can see, and (to quote

And beg you'll stop it ; the quaint phraseology of a leader in the Star anent the YORKE scandal)

Consider London—what a job to mop it “if there is nothing to do, not even a HARDWICKE"--or a Jamaica Coma

If you continue in this way to sop it! mittee—"can do it!” by which I do not mean to imply (any more

Drop it! than the Star did) that they are so utterly incapable that they can't do

Your patter is not ours by choice, -nothing!

For if we had a voice I see that the DEAN OF Enly is about to publish a collection of his

Our medicine men in pulpits and in rostrums, poems with a view to competing for the Professorship of Poetry at

Your frequent showers to quell Cambridge. As BROWNING is not eligible, and as, after all, the

Should utter charm and spell, appointment does not need the first poet of the day, the Deax seems as

And patter-nostrums. well qualified as anyone for the post. Indeed, as a strictly " University

Go up the spout instead of coming down, poet,” he has the highest claims. His “Installation Ode" on LORD

(In vulgar language understood in town Derby's Chancellorship is a really fine poem, and one that proves how

Ăs brevity for “pop it")— well he can appreciate and express Oxford feeling.

Drop it !



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friend which knowed me when I was respectable, years and years

ago, and thinking as Sheerness was a tolerably secluded spot, down I NICHOLAS AT THE Boat Race.

came; but when I reached this happy village, the friend of my Row, Brothers, Row !"-- Popular Song.

infancy, which had lost heavy on the Light Blue by following my tip, "Here's a jolly row!”Popular Saying.

he raised his unhallowed hands against me, and let me have it hot

SHEERNESS. RESPECTED SIR,— My Gentleman of the press having left me in the upon my hi. We are now reconciled, and if Plaudit wins the Two lurch, and than whom a more ungrateful scoundrel, Nicholas having Thousand, or the game little Lecturer wins the Chester Cup, I shall

come back, otherwise it is more than probable as I shall keep out of the always treated him as an equal, and many is the glass of sherry-wine

way. which he have had at my expense, though always giving himself airs

P.S. 2.—The sherry wine here is beastly. You might send me and I daresay a deuced deal fonder of boozing along with his SPENSERS

down some. P.S. 3.--I have a good thing for the Derby. and Wordsworths than of mixing in respectable society, so, Respected

NICHOLAS. Sir, for such I have ever held you, my Gentleman of the Press having left me in the lurch, I have drawn upon my own reading and observation for the mottoes of the present week, and which I consider as they

DOUBLE ACROSTIC. are a deal more to the purpose than the far-fetched allusions of my

No. 7. literary man and his lot. I hate anything far-fetched, and always did, especially beer. And when I say as I have drawn upon my own read- A GALLANT army from the heart of town, ing and observation, I must not forget to apologise, the luck having Marched to where many ramparts grimly frown. gone against me, for having likewise drawn upon you, as mentioned in And there they practised all strategic tricks, last week's countrybution to your New Serious.

And through the livelong day fought on “like bricks." But, Respected Sir, from you also I consider as an explanation is required. After the years I have served you, was it just--was it grate

1. ful-was it worthy of a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden time, chorus-like a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden

“Shiver my timbers and stave in my planks,” time—for to throw me over quite so public and so quick? And when

So said the skipper with words put in blanks; NICHOLAS says, “throw me over," he do not mean it in a literal sense,

“Splice the main-brace, it's beginning to drizzle, as if you had seized the Prophet by the scruff of his neck, whieh you

Go to the steward and bring me my swizzle." would have been quite justified in doing, Sir, and shied him into the

2. Thames last Saturday, for that could only have been a gentlemanly though violent evolution of tempory anger, Nicholas having cost you

One word is always on his lips,

And threatens ever to eclipse pounds and pounds by his unfortunate tip for the interesting aquatical

All thoughts of others, and that word computation; no, my dear young Friend--if such you will still kindly

In Latin, reads like this, I've heard. allow me to call you—nor yet do I complain because you thought proper to cut me dead on Barnes-terrace, for I will admit as the old.

3. man, through looking flushed with the morning air, and not being

The magic of her glances, used to taking spirituous liquors so early in the day, and which I only

Wins the necromancer's fancies, did so under advice, there being several betting-men along with me,

The silliest of ancient mon is he: all of which may easily have conveyed the erroneous impression that

He tells her all his dodges, NICHOLAS was more of a low lot than of a fine old English gentleman

And the lightsome lady lodges, as before mentioned, and less calculated for to deliver a temperance

Her lover in the hollow of a tree. oration than for to be took up by the police. Please begin another keitence, Messrs. JIDD AND Glass, my worthy and estimable printers,

4. if such you will still allow me to call you; and should the Prophet

Far in the Northern seas, ever have given you unnecessary trouble along of his authorgraphy

Under the stormy breeze, and pointuation, he hopes you will not be too hard on an old man

Surely you'll find it, when he's down.

Breasting the ceaseless tide, No, Sir; but what I venture respectfully to complain of—and what,

Ocean on either side, if circumstances were different, I should freely say as it was a scan

Ocean behind it. dalous shame—is, that on Saturday afternoon you exhibited a placard

in your office window, near the casts of the scientific animals, as

A gentleman rampagious made the place
Most famous, though he went there in disgrace.

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

The fairest day that ever dawns for mortals,

When Wit and Humour ope their merry portals.


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[See FUN.


P Pillow W See" Fun," forsooth! I am glad as you do so. I don't. I call it

А Ambleto 0 depreciating of the property, and crying stinking fish, saving your

R Racer R presence. Why, if you must have a flaming poster on the subject, and

I Idol which I do not myself see the necessity, it is my honest conviction as

S Sod a better one could have been drawn up by the office-boy, if he will CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF Acrostic No. 5, RECEIVED APRIL 17TH.-Constance; still allow me to call him so. Depend upon it, Sir, if you had only

Emma. brazened it out, the public would soon have got muddled in his head as usual. I know the public quite as well as the public knows me ;

Cannibalism Extraordinary. and I should say, Sir, as it was scarcely possible for any two parties

The following paragraph, cut from a Parisian newspaper, ought to to respect each other less! No, Sir, here's my notion :

inspire us all with horror:

MDME, GUERINEAU, sister of the celebrated traveller LALANDE, has harded to the Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

President of the Society of Acclimatisation A sum of £160 to found a prize in memory of her brother, the same to be awarded to the traveller who by bis discoveries shall

have done most towards improving the food of the human race. RIGHT AGAIN! TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS !

It is surely impossible to qualify for Mome. GUERINEAU's prize until Who sent you the Absolute Second ?

the traveller has had a taste of all sorts of food enjoyed by the human

race. King Boria BUNGALEE Boo's cuisine must be tried with the rest, (See FUN.

and the delicacies enjoyed by that monarch critically analysed. Fancy

an elaborate report on “filet de l'enfant aux petits pois," or "paté You will see, Sir, as I have changed my address. Several reasons des hommes brisés.” Ugh! horrible! have induced me for to go out of town, especially climate. I find that London was getting rather too warm-in fact, if I may say so, too hot to A DEFINITION.-" Making the most of it"-Finding a burg and huld me; and so, having had a very kind invitation from a country getting a barrel made for it.

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LITERARY AND LITERAL. Lady :-"I DO NOT LIKE FRIVOLOUS READING, BUT YOU MAY HAVE YOUR Leisure Hour on Sunday at Home.Servant (about to be engaged) :-“ Well, AS TO THAT, MEM, I'M NOT PERTIK'LER; BUT I LIKE TO HAVE ME Monday out REGʻLAR."


MACAULAY'S SCHOOLBOY. On the 12th instant, OSBORNE, an active and energetic member of

WHENEVER he looks in one of the books the Nottingham rural police, applied to the St. Stephens's Bench for

That LORD MACAULAY wrote, a summons against a well-known whip, who drives the Derby Dilly,

The reader may hit on that frequent bit for netting salmon in the Liberal preserves. The intelligent officer

Which the critical always quote. said he had on a former occasion laid a complaint against this man,

When a deep remark or a meaning dark, TAYLOR, and an associate of his, known as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN, for

Turns up in that flowery proge, illegal fishing. On this occasion they had netted twenty-one unclean

'Tis given, forsooth, as an obvious truth, fish. The person described as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN addressed the Bench, and declared that he was innocent of any participation in the

Which "every schoolboy” knows. illegal act, but it may be mentioned that when he left the court he took

A fellow may speak in the ancient Greek, the fish with him. The driver of the Derby Dilly sent in a medical

As he speaks in his native tongue, certificato, in which it was alleged that it was impossible that he could

And be fully at home when he talks of Rome have had anything to do with the poaching affair, as he was laid up

In the Latin he learnt when young; from a severe blow he had received in his eye from the Caucasian-we

He may pore for an age on Wisdom's page, beg pardon-cork of a sodawater bottle. The case was adjourned till

And study where'er he goes, next sessions.

But he cannot pretend to comprehend

What “every schoolboy" knows.
Very Debt-rimental.
It is strange what mountains some people will make out of mole-

Is LEIBNITZ right in his theories quite ? hills. One would hardly suppose the author of the following ad

Pray what is the date B.C. vertisement could have found such difficulty in obtaining his object as

Of Homer's birth; and who upon earth to be obliged to resort to publicity. The advertisement appears in the

Can the author of Junius be? Times, and runs as follows:

You ought, as a rule, to have learnt at school, “Collector. A gentleman wishes to add to his present collection of debts," etc.,

Such plain little things as those ;

If not, you dunce, go master at once If the gentleman had desired to reduce them, we should have been less

What “every schoolboy" knows. surprised at his advertising.

A Mailicious Joke.

A PARAGRAPH just now going the rounds, states that “Night, a A LIBERAL and Broad Church organ has been started under the title poem, in nine books,” by GEORGE GILFILLAN, M.A., is to be shortly of The Church Mail. Some wicked wag has suggested that as it is the published. We hope-indeed we think it probable—that such a very organ of “the cloth,” it ought to be called The Black Mail.

long night will lead to a good deal of somnolence.


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