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Owner (to Jockey who has just won a jumping race) :-" CONFOUND YOU! WHY DID YOU GO AND WIN? I PAID YOU TO lose. I CALL IT

A DEAD SWINDLE.

Jockey:-"YES, I KNOW; BUT YOU SEE, I'D BEEN BACKIN' THE 'OSS MYSELF."

For the Satisfaction of a Gentleman. "MAN," says the bard, "wants but little here below," and the man who wrote the following advertisement shall not " want that little long," if we can help it :

WANTED, an ARTICLE for MANUFACTURE (patented or otherwise) which promises a fair remunerative profit.-Persons having such for sale, or able to suggest one, may address (by letter first) P. B.

Dear, dear, to think the advertiser could not "suggest" for himself one of the thousand remunerative unpatented dodges for manufacturing articles now in practice! He might write musical criticisms without going to concerts or operas, or he might supply a Paris letter without quitting his comfortable lodgings in Islington; or, better still, he might become a Railway Financier, and issue illegal debentures. One would be inclined to think, from the advertiser's guileless simplicity and child-like innocence, that P. B. must stand for Præ-Barnumite or stay, perhaps for the familiar name of a popular actor whose lifelike impersonation of the Kinchin, and other characters of juvenile innocence and truthfulness, are so widely known that he is instantly called to mind by the truthful expression, "I believe you, my boy."

TRUE AND FAST.
WHAT every one knows is
That some one supposes

That FLORIDA's roses

Are nothing but paint.

Such suspicions would grieve her,

So let it be known,

They're so truly her own

That they won't even leave her,

When she's in a faint.

"An Abridgement of all that is Pleasant." WE read that a MR. DANCER has succeeded in taking photographic portraits in collodion so small that they are wholly invisible to the naked eye. How delightful if one could only have some of one's friends done in this way-we mean, of course, those friends one likes the better the less one sees of them.

A Patent Fact.

MY DEAR EDITOR,-You know why the Atlantic is like a wooden nutmeg? I don't believe you do; but if you were to ask any smart young man who had nothing to carry in his mind but the stock puns of a commercial room, I daresay he would give you the answer at once. Perhaps you haven't such an individual on the premises, and can't spare a boy to go out and fetch one. So I will tell you why the Atlantic is like a wooden nutmeg. Because it's a notion. Ta, ta!

Volunteer Intelligence.

TOMKINS.

THE good people of Dover are so delighted at the idea of having the Volunteer Review next Easter Monday, that the Town Council have passed a resolution that all the corps are to be supplied gratis with a dozen rounds of ammunition in the shape of DoVER's powders.

Generals, not Particulars.

AN American friend glancing, the other day, over the Times advertisements, observed that, since the close of the war and disbandment of the army, the advertisers for "general" servants might import an ample supply from America.

THE SCHOOLBOY'S INFERNO.-Birchin-lane.

Lendon: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.April 20, 1867.

SPOONEY!

Emotion of young Tenderwick, who, on his return from a visit of some weeks to Paris, once more beholds a-SALTSPOON!

A Complete Letter Writer.

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THE papers these last few days have presented examples of composition which we hasten to throw into general forms, available for the compiler of the next edition of " The Guide to Correspondence.' The first instance in an apology for a libel :"GENTLEMEN,-I bereby acknowledge with regret that I spread a report that you had made an offer of a composition to your creditors, and would be in the Gazette if it was not accepted, and that having seen a circular, I knew it to be true. I deeply regret having spread this slander, and I can assure you that the statement about the circular must have escaped me unintentionally, as it was not a fact that had seen one.-Signed, &c."

I

We need hardly give a form for the getting up of a testimonial to the author of the above, as the reasons for presenting him with one must be obvious to the commonest capacity.

The next form is to enable on irritable author to turn the flank of a too keen criticism. It may be addressed to the editor of a daily paper:

"SIR,-A remark in a recent book of mine (which I am not endeavouring of course to advertise by this letter) has been noticed in the Slaughterly in so injurious a manner that I must ask to be allowed to set myself right with an anxious public through your columns. My critic quotes my words, "No. 19, Black-street, and No. 22, White-street, ought to attend to their duties," and asserts that I bring a charge of negligence against MESSRS. SMITH and BROWN, This is most unfair-1 never mentioned either SMITH OF BROWN. Their names have been dragged in by my critic.-I am, &c."

THE LIGHT (BLUE) BRIGADE.
HALF a length, half a length,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Thames

Rowed the Eights, onward!
"Go!" was the starter's cry,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to win- or try;
Into the valley of Thames

Rowed the Eights, onward!
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers each side of them,

Snorted and thundered!
Cheered at by cad and swell,
Boldly they rowed and well,
Under Barnes Railway-bridge,
On past the Ship Hotel,

Rowed the Eights, onward!
O but the sight was fair,
Flashed the oar-blades in air,.
Trying the rowlocks there,
Rowing to Mortlake, while

All the world wondered.
Plunged in the steamer smoke,
Fiercely in front they broke;
GRIFFITHS and MARSDEN:
Strong was the Oxford stroke,
Nobody blundered;
Then they rowed back, but not
As they rowed onward!
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers in front of them,

Snerted and thundered;

Cheered at by cad and swell,
While horse and Cockney fell,

They that had rowed so well,

Came through Barnes Railway-bridge,
Back from the Ship Hotel,
All that was left in them

Since they rowed onward!
When can their glory fade?
O, the wild spurts they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the spurts they made,
Dark and Light Blue Brigade,
Each worth a hundred !

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News for the Nursery.

WE are informed that an enterprising American publisher is about to bring out a volume of nursery literature, in which the stories and rhymes of the "exploded old country" will be adapted to the tastes and understandings of young America. To illustrate this we shall venture on a version in prose of Humpty Dumpty.

"Humpty Dumpty sot hisself on a tall rail. Humpty Dumpty dropt off his perch-ker-squash. And all the equipages, and all the liveried menials of an effete monarchical system was just a one-hoss affair as regarded the sottin' of that unfort'net cuss on that everlastin' rail agin! Moral:-The skreekin bird of Freedom what roosts on the zenith, with his head tied up in the star-spangled banner, rather kalklates that monarchy is played out-some!"

"Now, then, Stick-in-the-mud!"
WE find a curious advertisement in the Aberdeen Herald:-
Clay Pit to be Let.

TO BE LET, on Lease, the Bed of Valuable CLAY at B, occupied for many years by A. N., Esq., and belonging to the Society of Advocates in Aberdeen. Really, MARGERY DAW, who is stated in history to have parted with her bed and taken to a litter, is a harmless eccentric compared with A. N., Esq., who has for many years occupied a bed of clay. We presume the clay is of a heavy and tenacious character, and that it joined the Society of Advocates out of the respect to be expected of Stick-inWhite-the-mud, for the "law's delay."

We leave this model letter to recommend itself, merely noting that MR. SMITH resides at 19, Black-street, and Mr. BROWN at 22, street.

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Town Talk.

BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.

T

HE Oxford and Cambridge boat-race on Saturday week added one more to the long list of Oxford victories. It was a splendid race-a race to lose which by so little was almost a victory, so the verdict is "Honours divided." It is easy to preach to the losers how they might have won, but I may just make one remark which the Cambridge trainers will do well to keep in mind:In spite of all the coaching and the improvement of the stroke during training, directly the tug of war came, precept and practice were forgotten, and the men got back into the old, pretty, fatal, clipping style. The Oxford tactics were the old ones, but the stroke was not quickened until very late-almost too late. I regretted last week that the race had become a bookmakers' business-one whole steamer was occupied by the fraternity! Men who do not scruple, when it suits their purpose, to lame or drug a racehorse, would, probably, think little of disabling or knocking out of condition a member of one of the crews; and that's why I wish the race had no bets but patriotic ones depending on it. It was delightful to see at what an early hour and in what weather the supporters of Dark and Light Blue made their way to the slushy, sloppy river-bank and waited out the event. The ladies mustered in great numbers, with an utter disregard for damaged toilettes. The cavalry were as great a nuisance as ever; and towards the end of the morning the "rough" element put in an appearance. The earlier the race is rowed the better, for only those who take a genuine interest in it will come at six o'clock in the morning. I hope Cambridge will not allow the croakers to prevail, but will renew the challenge next year. She has done her work well, with the luck against her; if some of the chancework as to choice of place were eliminated it would be better, but meantime she may rest assured that if she reverses the decision of fortune next year, she will have no more sincere or generous congratulations than those with which the Dark Blue will hail her success.

Capital photographs of the two crews have been published by MR. ERNEST EDWARDS, of Baker street. Both crews deserve a space on the walls of old 'Varsity men, for they have rowed one of the best races on record.

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN delivered rather a judgment than a charge in the case of MESSRS. NELSON and BRAND, but the grand jury returned "no true bill." In other words, though by the letter of the law, MESSRS. SHYLOCK and Co., of the Jamaica Committee, had a claim for their pound of flesh, no body of sensible Englishmen would consent to be parties to punishing men for saving a British Colony. What is more, if a similar case arose to-morrow, I am sure another governor would have no hesitation in hanging another GORDON, and the verdict would be the same-and I can't say I'm sorry for it. Men who foster disaffection, and directly or indirectly promote insurrection, must suffer for the lawlessness they originate: and governors who have the honour of England's name and of English women to protect will not hesitate to do their duty because a Committee may prosecute them, or because somebody may write their lives. In the meantime, what can the Jamaica Committee do? Nothing, as far as I can see, and (to quote the quaint phraseology of a leader in the Star anent the YORKE Scandal) "if there is nothing to do, not even a HARDWICKE"-or a Jamaica Committee "can do it!" by which I do not mean to imply (any more than the Star did) that they are so utterly incapable that they can't do -nothing!

I see that the DEAN OF EMLY is about to publish a collection of his poems with a view to competing for the Professorship of Poetry at Cambridge. As BROWNING is not eligible, and as, after all, the appointment does not need the first poet of the day, the DEAN seems as well qualified as anyone for the post. Indeed, as a strictly "University poet," he has the highest claims. His "Installation Ode" on LORD DERBY'S Chancellorship is a really fine poem, and one that proves how well he can appreciate and express Oxford feeling.

I SEE that JAMES LONGHURST, the Shere murderer, has been exec cuted. Now, his was a case which on all points ran parallel with WAGER's case. If MR. WALPOLE was really guided by the rule he laid down in WAGER's case, it would be well for some M.P. to ask him why he has not applied the rule to LONGHURST's case. Personally, I am and always have been opposed to capital punishment, as degrading and brutalising to those who carry it out, or witness it, and utterly useless as a deterrent. But MR. WALPOLE is making it a complete mockery-a lottery-by the course he has adopted. Once passed, the sentence of death should be carried out, unless innocence is proved after the trial, but to pass the sentence with the certainty of a reprieve is to weaken justice. The prerogative of mercy must be taken out of hands too weak to wield it. Why did they ever spoil an amiable country gentleman to make a bungling Home Secretary? Surely not that the salmon might be handed over to the experienced care of a War Office clerk!

MR. NEATE in discussing the TOOMER case, used some rather plain language as to "the manifest and notorious incapacity to exercise his judicial functions" of the judge who "encouraged-nay, compelled the verdict" in that case. The Law Journal draws attention, apropos of MR. NEATE's remarks, to the fact that the same judge had an exactly similar matter to deal with last year at Derby, when a man called BERRIDGE was found guilty of a like offence to TooMER's on evidence quite as unsatisfactory. MR. JUSTICE SHEE-of course it was MR. JUSTICE SHEE!-sentenced him to ten years of penal servitude. MR. WALPOLE pardoned BERRIDGE, yet with his usual consistency refused to pardon TOOMER-but that is not the question at present. The question under discussion is the fitness of MR. JUSTICE SHEE for the office he holds, and to see that clearly and forcibly argued out, I must refer my readers to the Law Journal, and I fear they will not rise from the perusal with a high opinion of his judicial qualities. The Law Journal very properly calls on MR. NEATE either to withdraw what he has said, or to move an address praying that the "learned" gentleman be removed from office.

A NEW Scientific journal, the Laboratory, has appeared. It is to record the minor and tentative labours, the successful and unsuccessful experiments, as well as the established results and conclusions of science. It does not require a scientific man to see that such a paper will be valuable. The Chronicle seems to improve as it goes on-we want a good and impartial literary paper, not devoted to the cordial praise of bad novels or of the editor's last new book of travels. The Lady's Own. Paper is another improving paper. It gave an admirable engraving of a flattering portrait of MISS HERBERT the other day. It is well and carefully edited-and that is the first necessity of such a paper.

MR. S. C. HALL had the honour the other day of presenting the first number of his Art Journal Catalogue of the French Exhibition to the EMPEROR, at the Tuileries. It was graciously received, HIS MAJESTY observing that "the work would be a wonderful one when completed." The same thing might be said about the Exhibition itself; the remark would have been as well deserved, though it would not have been considered as complimentary possibly, when applied to the building instead of the book.

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SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
NICHOLAS AT THE BOAT RACE.

"Row, Brothers, Row !"- Popular Song.
"Here's a jolly row!"-Popular Saying.

SHEERNESS.

RESPECTED SIR, My Gentleman of the press having left me in the lurch, and than whom a more ungrateful scoundrel, NICHOLAS having always treated him as an equal, and many is the glass of sherry-wine which he have had at my expense, though always giving himself airs and I daresay a deuced deal fonder of boozing along with his SPENSERS and WORDSWORTHS than of mixing in respectable society, so, Respected Sir, for such I have ever held you, my Gentleman of the Press having left me in the lurch, I have drawn upon my own reading and observation for the mottoes of the present week, and which I consider as they are a deal more to the purpose than the far-fetched allusions of my literary man and his lot. I hate anything far-fetched, and always did, especially beer. And when I say as I have drawn upon my own reading and observation, I must not forget to apologise, the luck having gone against me, for having likewise drawn upon you, as mentioned in last week's country bution to your New Serious.

But, Respected Sir, from you also I consider as an explanation is required. After the years I have served you, was it just-was it gratefal-was it worthy of a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden time, chorus-like a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden time-for to throw me over quite so public and so quick? And when NICHOLAS says, "throw me over," he do not mean it in a literal sense, as if you had seized the Prophet by the scruff of his neck, which you would have been quite justified in doing, Sir, and shied him into the Thames last Saturday, for that could only have been a gentlemanly though violent evolution of tempory anger, NICHOLAS having cost you pounds and pounds by his unfortunate tip for the interesting aquatical computation; no, my dear young Friend--if such you will still kindly allow me to call you-nor yet do I complain because you thought proper to cut me dead on Barnes-terrace, for I will admit as the old. man, through looking flushed with the morning air, and not being used to taking spirituous liquors so early in the day, and which I only did so under advice, there being several betting-men along with me, all of which may easily have conveyed the erroneous impression that NICHOLAS was more of a low lot than of a fine old English gentleman as before mentioned, and less calculated for to deliver a temperance oration than for to be took up by the police. Please begin another sentence, MESSRS. JUDD AND GLASS, my worthy and estimable printers, if such you will still allow me to call you; and should the Prophet ever have given you unnecessary trouble along of his authorgraphy and pointuation, he hopes you will not be too hard on an old man when he's down.

No, Sir; but what I venture respectfully to complain of-and what, if circumstances were different, I should freely say as it was a scandalous shame-is, that on Saturday afternoon you exhibited a placard in your office window, near the casts of the scientific animals, as follows:

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

THE OLD MAN WRONG AGAIN!

[See FUN.

See" FUN," forsooth! I am glad as you do so. I don't. I call it depreciating of the property, and crying stinking fish, saving your presence. Why, if you must have a flaming poster on the subject, and which I do not myself see the necessity, it is my honest conviction as a better one could have been drawn up by the office-boy, if he will still allow me to call him so. Depend upon it, Sir, if you had only brazened it out, the public would soon have got muddled in his head as usual. I know the public quite as well as the public knows me; and I should say, Sir, as it was scarcely possible for any two parties to respect each other less! No, Sir, here's my notion :—

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

RIGHT AGAIN! TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS!

Who sent you the Absolute Second?

[See FUN.

You will see, Sir, as I have changed my address. Several reasons have induced me for to go out of town, especially climate. I find that London was getting rather too warm-in fact, if I may say so, too hot to hold me; and so, having had a very kind invitation from a country

friend which knowed me when I was respectable, years and years ago, and thinking as Sheerness was a tolerably secluded spot, down I came; but when I reached this happy village, the friend of my infancy, which had lost heavy on the Light Blue by following my tip, he raised his unhallowed hands against me, and let me have it hot upon my hi. We are now reconciled, and if Plaudit wins the Two Thousand, or the game little Lecturer wins the Chester Cup, I shall come back, otherwise it is more than probable as I shall keep out of the P.S. 2.-The sherry wine here is beastly. You might send me down some. P.S. 3.-I have a good thing for the Derby. NICHOLAS.

way.

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THE following paragraph, cut from a Parisian newspaper, ought to inspire us all with horror :

MDME. GUERINEAU, sister of the celebrated traveller LALANDE, has handed to the President of the Society of Acclimatisation a sum of £160 to found a prize in memory of her brother, the same to be awarded to the traveller who by his discoveries shall have done most towards improving the food of the human race.

It is surely impossible to qualify for MDME. GUERINEAU'S prize until the traveller has had a taste of all sorts of food enjoyed by the human race. KING BORIA BUNGALEE Boo's cuisine must be tried with the rest, and the delicacies enjoyed by that monarch critically analysed. Fancy an elaborate report on "filet de l'enfant aux petits pois," or "paté des hommes brisés." Ugh! horrible!

A DEFINITION." Making the most of it"-Finding a bung and getting a barrel made for it.

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