« PreviousContinue »
POT AND KETTLE. Owner (to Jockey who has just won a jumping race) :—“CONFOUND YOU! WHY DID YOU GO AND WIN? I PAID YOU to lose. I CALL IT A DEAD SWINDLE.'
Joekey :—“Yes, I KNOW; BUT YOU BEE, I'D BEEN BACKIN' THE '088 MYSELF."
For the Satisfaction of a Gentleman.
“ An Abridgement of all that is Pleasant.” “Man,” says the bard, “wants but little here below," and the man We read that a Mr. Dancer has succeeded in taking photographic who wrote the following advertisement shall not want that little long," portraits in collodion so small that they are wholly invisible to the if we can help it :
naked eye. How delightful if one could only have some of one's
friends done in this way—we mean, of course, those friends one likes WANTED, an ARTICLE for MANUFACTURE (patented or otherwise) which W promises a fair remunerative profit. - Persons having such for sale, or able to
the better the less one sees of them. suggest one, may address (by letter first) P. B. Dear, dear, to think the advertiser could not "suggest" for himself
A Patent Fact. one of the thousand remunerative unpatented dodges for manufacturing MY DEAR EDITOR,—You know why the Atlantic is like a wooden articles now in practice! He might write musical criticisms with nutmeg? I don't believe you do; but if you were to ask any smart out going to concerts or operas, or he might supply a Paris letter with young man who had nothing to carry in his mind but the stock puns out quitting his comfortable lodgings in Islington; or, better still, he of a commercial room, I daresay he would give you the answer at might become a Railway Financier, and issue illegal debentures. One once. Perhaps you haven't such an individual on the premises, and would be inclined to think, from the advertiser's guileless simplicity can't spare a boy to go out and fetch one. So I will tell you why the and child-like innocence, that P. B. must stand for Præ-Barnumite- Atlantic is like a wooden nutmeg. Because it's a notion. Ta, ta! . or stay, perhaps for the familiar name of a popular actor whose life
TOMKINS. like impersonation of the Kinchin, and other characters of juvenile innocence and truthfulness, are so widely known that he is instantly
Volunteer Intelligence. called to mind by the truthful expression, “I believe you, my boy."
The good people of Dover are so delighted at the idea of having the
Volunteer Review next Easter Monday, that the Town Council have TRUE AND FAST.
passed a resolution that all the corps are to be supplied gratis with a
dozen rounds of ammunition in the shape of Dover's powders.
Generals, not Particulars.
An American friend glancing, the other day, over the Times ad.
vertisements, observed that, since the close of the war and disbandment So let it be known,
of the army, the advertisers for “general ” servants might import an They're so truly her own
ample supply from America.
THE SCHOOLBOY'S INFERNO.—Birchin-lane.
Landon : Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phønix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.
April 20, 1867.
THE LIGHT (BLUE) BRIGADE.
HALF a length, half a length,
Rowed the Eights, onward!
Rowed the Eights, onward !
Snorted and thundered !
Rowed the Eights, onward!
All the world wondered.
Nobody blundered ;
As they rowed onward !
Snorted and thundered ;
Since they rowed onward !
All the world wondered.
Each worth a hundred !
A Complete Letter Writer.
News for the Nursery. The papers these last few days have presented examples of composi We are informed that an enterprising American publisher is about tion which we hasten to throw into general forms, available for the to bring out a volume of nursery literature, in which the stories and compiler of the next edition of “ The Guide to Correspondence.” rhymes of the “exploded old country” will be adapted to the tastes The first instance in an apology for a libel :
and understandings of young America. To illustrate this we shall “GENTLEMEN, I bereby acknowledge with regret that I spread a report that venture on a version in prose of Humpty Dumpty. you had made an offer of a composition to your creditors, and would be in the | “Humpty Dumpty sot hisself on a tall rail. Humpty Dumpty Gazette if it was not accepted, and that having seen a circular, I knew it to be true. dropt off his perch-ker-squash. And all the equipages, and all the I deeply regret having spread this slander, and I can assure you that the statement
| liveried menials of an effete monarchical system was just a one-hoss about the circular must have escaped me unintentionally, as it was not a fact that I had seen one.-Signed, &c."
affair as regarded the sottin' of that unfort'net cuss on that everlastin' We need hardly give a form for the getting up of a testimonial to
rail agin! Moral :The skreekin bird of Freedom what roosts on the the author of the above, as the reasons for presenting him with one must
zenith, with his head tied up in the star-spangled banner, rather be obvious to the commonest capacity.
kalklates that monarchy is played out-some !" The next form is to enable on irritable author to turn the flank of a too keen criticism. It may be addressed to the editor of a daily
“Now, then, Stick-in-the-mud!” paper :
We find a curious advertisement in the Aberdeen Herald:“SIR,-A remark in a recent book of mine (which I am not endeavouring of course
Clay Pit to be Let. to advertise by this letter) has been noticed in the Slau
TO BE LET, on Lease, the Bed of Valuable CLAY at B-, occupied for many manner that I'must ask tó be allowed to set myself right with an anxious public years by A. N., Esq., and belonging to the Society of Advocates in Aberdeen. through your columns. My critic quotes my words, “No. 19, Black-street, and No. 22, White-street, ought to attend to their duties," and asserts that I bring a
Really, MARGERY Daw, who is stated in history to have parted with charge of negligence against MESSRS. SMITH and BROWN, This is most unfair-I her bed and taken to a litter, is a harmless eccentric compared with never mentioned either SMITH or BROWN. Their names have been dragged in by A. N., Esq., who bas for many years occupied a bed of clay. We premy critic.--I am, &c."
sume the clay is of a heavy and tenacious character, and that it joined We leave this model letter to recommend itself, merely noting that the Society of Advocates out of the respect to be expected of Stick-inMR. SMITH resides at 19, Black-street, and Mr. BROWN at 22, White- the-mud, for the “ law's delay.” street.
THOSE who would “rob a poor man of his beer" are frequently the
A STANDING DISH at Utah.—A spare rib.
I see that James LONGHURST, the Shere murderer, has been exec
cuted. Now, his was a case which on all points ran parallel with BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
Wager's case. If MR. WALPOLE was really guided by the rule he laid
down in Wager's case, it would be well for some M.P. to ask him HE Oxford and Cambridge why he has not applied the rule to LONGHURST's case. Personally, I
boat-race on Saturday am and always have been opposed to capital punishment, as degrading
very late-almost too late. very properly calls on MR. NEATE either to withdraw what he has said, I regretted last week that the race had become a bookmakers' busi- or to move an address praying that the " leamed” gentleman be reness—one whole steamer was occupied by the fraternity! Men who do moved from office. not scruple, when it suits their purpose, to lame or drug a racehorse, A NEW scientific journal, the Laboratory, has appeared. It is to would, probably, think little of disabling or knocking out of condition record the minor and tentative labourg, the successful and unsuccessful a member of one of the crews; and that's why I wish the race had no experiments, as well as the established results and conclusions of bets but patriotic ones depending on it. It was delightful to see at science. It does not require a scientific man to see that such a paper what an early hour and in what weather the supporters of Dark will be valuable. The Chronicle seems to improve as it goes on-we and Light Blue made their way to the slushy, sloppy river-bank and want a good and impartial literary paper, not devoted to the cordial waited out the event. The ladies mustered in great numbers, with an praise of bad novels or of the editor's last new book of travels. The utter disregard for damaged toilettes. The cavalry were as great a Lady's Own. Paper is another improving paper. It gave an admirable nuisance as ever; and towards the end of the morning the “rough" engraving of a flattering portrait of Miss HERBERT the other day. It element put in an appearance. The earlier the race is rowed the better, is well and carefully edited—and that is the first necessity of such a for only those who take a genuine interest in it will come at six o'elock in the morning. I hope Cambridge will not allow the croakers to pre MR. S. C. Hall had the honour the other day of presenting the first vail, but will renew the challenge next year. She has done her work number of his Art Journal Catalogue of the French Exhibition to the well, with the luck against her; if some of the chancework as to choice EMPEROR, at the Tuileries. It was graciously received, His MAJESTY of place were eliminated it would be better, but meantime she may observing that "the work would be a wonderful one when completed.” rest assured that if she reverses the decision of fortune next year, she The same thing might be said about the Exhibition itself; the remark will have no more sincere or generous congratulations than those with I would have been as well deserved, though it would not have been which the Dark Blue will hail her success.
considered as complimentary possibly, when applied to the building Capital photographs of the two crews have been published by MR. instead of the book. ERNEST EDWARDS, of Baker street. Both crews deserve a space on the walls of old 'Varsity men, for they have rowed one of the best races on record.
ODE TO APRIL SHOWERS. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN delivered rather a judgment than a
HAIL!—no, I don't mean hail, charge in the case of Messrs. Nelson and Brand, but the grand jury
But pelting showers of rain, returned “no true bill." In other words, though by the letter of the
Which, to be brief and plain, law, Messrs. SHYLOCK and Co., of the Jamaica Committee, had a claim for their pound of flesh, no body of sensible Englishmen would consent
Do far too much prevail. to be parties to punishing men for saving a British Colony. What is
Welcome !I don't mean that, more, if a similar case arose to-morrow, I am sure another governor
I do not welcome wet, would have no hesitation in hanging another GORDON, and the verdict
But so perplexed I get would be the same—and I can't say I'm sorry for it. Men who foster
I don't know what I'm at, disaffection, and directly or indirectly promote insurrection, must suffer
With streams of water from my garments running, for the lawlessness they originate: and governors who have the honour
Like habits, quite in-wet-erate, of punning. of England's name and of English women to protect will not hesitate
Rain! to do their duty because a Committee may prosecute them, or because
Deign somebody may write their lives. In the meantime, what can the
To list while I complain, Jamaica" Committee do? Nothing, as far as I can see, and (to quote
And beg you'll stop it ; the quaint phraseology of a leader in the Star anent the YORKE scandal)
Consider London—what a job to mop it “ if there is nothing to do, not even a HARDWICKE"-or a Jamaica Com
If you continue in this way to sop it! mittee—"can do it !” by which I do not mean to imply any more
Drop it! than the Star did) that they are so utterly incapable that they can't do
Your patter is not ours by choice, -nothing!
For if we had a voice I see that the DEAN OF ENLY is about to publish a collection of his
Our medicine men in pulpits and in rostrums, poems with a view to competing for the Professorship of Poetry at
Your frequent showers to quell Cambridge. As BROWNING is not eligible, and as, after all, the
Should utter charm and spell, appointment does not need the first poet of the day, the Deax seems as
And patter-nostrums. well qualified as anyone for the post. Indeed, as a strictly “University
Go up the spout instead of coming down, poet," he has the highest claims. His “Installation Ode" on LORD
(In vulgar language understood in town Derby's Chancellorship is a really fine poem, and one that proves how
As brevity for “pop it")— well he can appreciate and express Oxford feeling.
friend which knowed me when I was respectable, years and years NICHOLAS At The Boat Race.
ago, and thinking as Sheerness was a tolerably secluded spot, down I
came; but when I reached this happy village, the friend of my “Row, Brothers, Row!"- Popular Song.
infancy, which had lost heavy on the Light Blue by following my tip, “Here's a jolly row!"-Popular Saying.
he raised his unhallowed hands against me, and let me have it hot
upon my hi. We are now reconciled, and if Plaudit wins the Two RESPECTED SIR,My Gentleman of the press having left me in the
Thousand, or the game little Lecturer wins the Chester Cup, I shall lurch, and than whom a more ungrateful scoundrel, Nicholas having
come back, otherwise it is more than probable as I shall keep out of the always treated him as an equal, and many is the glass of sherry-wine
way. which he have had at my expense, though always giving himself airs
P.S. 2.-The sherry wine here is beastly. You might send me and I daresay a deuced deal fonder of boozing along with his SPENSERS
down some. P.S. 3.- I have a good thing for the Derby. and WORDSWORTHS than of mixing in respectable society, so, Respected
NICHOLAS. Sir, for such I have ever held you, my Gentleman of the Press having left me in the lurch, I have drawn upon my own reading and observation for the mottoes of the present week, and which I consider as they
DOUBLE ACROSTIC. are a deal more to the purpose than the far-fetched allusions of my
No. 7. literary man and his lot. "I hate anything far-fetched, and always did, especially beer. And when I say as I have drawn upon my own read
A GALLANT army, from the heart of town, ing and observation, I must not forget to apologise, the luck having Marched to where many ramparts grimly frown. gone against me, for having likewise drawn upon you, as mentioned in
And there they practised all strategic tricks, last week's countrybution to your New Serious.
And through the livelong day fought on “like bricks." But, Respected Sir, from you also I consider as an explanation is required. After the years I have served you, was it just-was it gratefal-was it worthy of a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden time, chorus-like a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden
“Shiver my timbers and stave in my planks,” time--for to throw me over quite so public and so quick? And when
So said the skipper with words put in blanks ; NICHOLAS says, “throw me over,” he do not mean it in a literal sense,
“Splice the main-brace, it's beginning to drizzle, as if you had seized the Prophet by the scruff of his neck, which you
Go to the steward and bring me my swizzle." would have been quite justified in doing, Sir, and shied him into the Thames last Saturday, for that could only have been a gentlemanly though violent evolution of tempory anger, NICHOLAS having cost you
One word is always on his lips,
And threatens ever to eclipse pounds and pounds by his unfortunate tip for the interesting aquatical computation; no, my dear young Friend--if such you will still kindly
All thoughts of others, and thiat word allow me to call you—nor yet do I complain because you thought
In Latin, reads like this, I've heard. proper to cut me dead on Barnes-terrace, for I will admit as the old man, through looking flashed with the morning air, and not being.
The magic of her glances, used to taking spirituous liquors so early in the day, and which I only
Wins the necromancer's fancies, did so under advice, there being several betting-men along with me,
The eilliest of ancient men is he: all of which may easily have conveyed the erroneous impression that
He tells her all his dodges, NICHOLAS was more of a low lot than of a fine old English gentleman
And the lightsome lady lodges, as before mentioned, and less calculated for to deliver a temperance
Her lover in the hollow of a tree. oration than for to be took up by the police. Please begin another ke atence, MessRS. JUDD AND Glass, my worthy and estimable printers, if such you will still allow me to call you; and should the Prophet
Far in the Northern seas, ever have given you unnecessary trouble along of his authorgraphy
Under the stormy breeze, and pointuation, he hopes you will not be too hard on an old man
Surely you'll find it, when he's down.
Breasting the ceaseless tide, No, Sir; but what I venture respectfully to complain of-and what,
Ocean on either side, if circumstances were different, I should freely say as it was a scan
Ocean behind it. dalous shame-is, that on Saturday afternoon you exhibited a placard in your office window, near the casts of the scientific animals, as
A gentleman rampagious made the place
Most famous, though he went there in disgrace.
The fairest day that ever dawns for mortals,
When Wit and Humour ope their merry portals.
ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 5.
Pillow See “Fox,” forsooth! I am glad as you do so. I don't. I call it
A Ambleto depreciating of the property, and crying stinking fish, saving your
R Racer presence. Why, if you must have a flaming poster on the subject, and
I Idol which I do not myself see the necessity, it is my honest conviction as
S Sod a better one could have been drawn up by the office-boy, if he will CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 5, RECEIVED APRIL 17TH.-Constance ; still allow me to call him so. Depend upon it, Sir, if you had only Emma. brazened it out, the public would soon have got muddled in his head as usual. I know the public quite as well as the public knows me ;
Cannibalism Extraordinary. and I should say, Sir, as it was scarcely possible for any two parties
The following paragraph, cut from a Parisian newspaper, ought to to respect each other less! No, Sir, here's my notion :
inspire us all with horror:
MDME, GUERINEAU, sister of the celebrated traveller LALANDE, has handed to the Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.
President of the Society of Acclimatisation a sum of £160 to found a prize in memory of her brother, the same to be awarded to the traveller who by bis discoverits shall
have done most towards improving the food of the human race. RIGHT AGAIN! TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS !
It is surely impossible to qualify for Mome. GUERINEAU's prize until Who sent you the Absolute Second ?
the traveller has had a taste of all sorts of food enjoyed by the human See FUN.
race. King Boria BUNGALEE Boo's cuisine must be tried with the rest, and the delicacies enjoyed by that monarch critically analysed. Fancy
an elaborate report on “filet de l'enfant aux petits pois,” or “paté You will see, Sir, as I have changed my address. Several reasons des hommes brisés.” Ugh! horrible! have induced me for to go out of town, especially climate. I find that London was getting rather too warm-in fact, if I may say so, too hot to A DEFINITION.—"Making the most of it"-Finding a budg and huld me; and so, having had a very kind invitation from a country | getting a barrel made for it.
LITERARY AND LITERAL. Lady :“I DO NOT LIKE FRIVOLOUS READING, BUT YOU MAY HAVE YOUR Leisure Hour OR Sunday at Home.” Servant (about to be engaged) :-“ Well, AS TO THAT, MEM, I'M NOT PERTIK'LER; BUT I LIKE TO HAVE ME Monday out REG'LAR."
A POACHING CASE.
MACAULAY'S SCHOOLBOY. On the 12th instant, OSBORNE, an active and energetic member of
WHENEVER he looks in one of the books the Nottingham rural police, applied to the St. Stephens's Bench for
That Lord MACAULAY wrote, a summons against a well-known whip, who drives the Derby Dilly, for netting salmon in the Liberal preserves. The intelligent officer
The reader may hit on that frequent bit
Which the critical always quote. said he had on a former occasion laid a complaint against this man,
When a deep remark or a meaning dark, TAYLOR, and an associate of his, known as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN, for
Turns up in that flowery prose, illegal fishing. On this occasion they had netted twenty-one unclean
'Tis given, forsooth, as an obvious truth, fish. The person described as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN addressed the
Which “every schoolboy" knows. Bench, and declared that he was innocent of any participation in the illegal act, but it may be mentioned that when he left the court he took
A fellow may speak in the ancient Greek, the fish with him. The driver of the Derby Dilly sent in a medical
As he speaks in his native tongue, certificate, in which it was alleged that it was impossible that he could
And be fully at home when he talks of Rome have had anything to do with the poaching affair, as he was laid up
In the Latin he learnt when young; from a severe blow he had received in his eye from the Caucasian-we
He may pore for an age on Wisdom's page, beg pardon--cork of a sodawater bottle. The case was adjourned till
And study where'er he goes, next sessions.
But he cannot pretend to comprehend
What “ every schoolboy" knows.
Is LEIBNITZ right in his theories quite ? hills. One would hardly suppose the author of the following ad
Pray what is the date B.C. vertisement could have found such difficulty in obtaining his object as
Of HOMER's birth ; and who upon earth to be obliged to resort to publicity. The advertisement appears in the
Can the author of Junius be ? Times, and runs as follows:
You ought, as a rule, to have learnt at school, “ Collector. A gentleman wishes to add to his present collection of debts,” etc.,
Such plain little things as those ; etc.
If not, you dunce, go master at once If the gentleman had desired to reduce them, we should have been less
What “every schoolboy" knows. surprised at his advertising.
A PARAGRAPH just now going the rounds, states that “Night, a A LIBERAL and Broad Church organ has been started under the title poem, in nine books," by GBORGE GILFILLAN, M.A., is to be shortly of The Church Mail. Some wicked wag has suggested that as it is the published. We hope-indeed we think it probable—that such a very organ of “the cloth,” it ought to be called The Black Mail.
| long night will lead to a good deal of somnolence.