HOW SHE LOVES HIM! ACT I. SCENE 1.-Snuggleton-super-Mare. MR. NETTLETOP discovered much bandaged, looking through telescope at ladies bathing. MR. N.-I am divoreed from my wife-it doesn't clearly appear how, for although I allowed her to think I went astray, I was guilty neither of cruelty nor desertion, as the act requires. I find I still love her, and in order to induce her to return to my arms, I affect to be an utterly helpless invalid, and in that enticing character I expect to prove irresistible. Enter BEFCHER SPRAWLEY. SPRAWLEY.-Haw! I am only a younger son. Haw! Enter MRS. NETTLETOP. MRS. N.-I was divorced from my husband, by collusion, while the Queen's Proctor wasn't looking. SPRAWLEY.-Jus' so! Yaas! Haw! And now you want to return to him. MRS. N.-Mr. Sprawley! SPRAWLEY.-Yaas! You intend to square it up with him or with me-I don't know which. But it'll be one or the other. Have made a heavy book on it! Yaas! Haw! [Exeunt MRS. NETTLETOP and SPRAWLEY. Enter Miss ATALANTA CRUISER and DICK HARTLEY. Miss A.-Dick, we love one another! DIGK H.-We do! (Long speech about love's devotion, affection's tribute, memory's offering, &c.) MISS A. By the bye, as we are going to be married, would it not be as well if I were to introduce you to my adopted father? DICK H.-Well, on the whole, perhaps it would be as well. Doopy (to his master).—Ah, thin, y'ould blaygaird! DOODY.-Sure, an' ain't ye the divil's own spawn? SIR A. (sternly)-No, sir, I am not-nothing of the sort, sir! MISS A. (adroitly cutting in to put a stop to a painful family squabble). -Oh, here is a young man whom I love. SIR A.-Ha! Then I will give him ten thousand a year! [Makes necessary preparations. DICK H.-Ah, sir-I am a penniless orphan; and love in a cottage, on a halfpenny a day, is, to my thinking, a more desirable lot than a gilded ox and contentment withal. SIR A.-Yet you will not reject the settlement I propose to make? ACT II. SCENE 1.-Interior of Somebody's House-possibly MRS. Enter MR. NETTLETOP. [Exit. DICK H.-Sir, I have just heard your name-it is Abel Hotspur. I did not know it before-somehow, although I am engaged to your adopted child, and have been living in the same village with you for some days, it never occurred to me to inquire your name, nor has Atalanta ever mentioned it. Now, however, that I have heard it, I recognise it as that of a disreputable old father I once had, who deserted my mother because he wrongfully suspected her of infidelity to him. You-you-are my father-and I am SIR A. (breathless).—Yes-yes-go on—you are▬▬ ? SIR A.-Amazement! SIR A.-My bitter curses- PUBLIC APOLOGY.-The writer of this summary is sorry to say that he cannot distinctly dissociate this Act from its predecessor-neither can he recal its incidents in anything like chronological order. He has a vivid recollection of seeing MR. HARE shamming ill on a couch-of a dialogue entertainment between MISS WILTON and her Heart-of a pedantic doctor in attendance on MR. HARE-of a chop-house waiter kicked over by MR. HARE in a fit (or perhaps this was in the fourth act, or the second), and of MRS. LEIGH MURRAY, as Lady Selina Raffletieket, earning a swindling living by collecting money for supposed charitable purposes. The writer regrets the confusion that exists in his mind as to the manner in which these incidents bear upon the development of the plot, and tenders his sincere apologies to every one whom the matter may concern. ACT IV.-MR. NETTLETOP's bedroom. MR. NETTLETOP on a couch conveniently placed in the middle of the room. Bed in a cupboard. Half-a-dozen Doctors surrounding the patient. ALL THE DOCTORS.-We will electrify him. [Exeunt the Doctors. MR. N.-As I am only shamming ill in order to induce my late wife to return to me, what is more natural than that I should call in six eminent doctors to a consultation on my case? SPRAWLEY. I have come here to call out Nettletop, as he is at his last gasp. Ha! he's gone-and some one approaches. For no particular reason I will pretend that I am he! [Puts on NETTLETOP's nightcap and dressing-gown, and gets into NETTLE- [They apply the shock to SPRAWLEY, who kicks. TABLEAU.-SPRAWLEY dressed in somebody else's electric shock. ACT V.-DICK HARTLEY'S Cottage at Putney (Capital Scene). Enter DICK HARTLEY and ATALANTA. DICK H.-Now we are married, and have eight hundred a year from some office. MISS A.-Also a baby! Enter SIR ABEL and DoODY. SIR A.-I am a changed man. I find that my wife was innocent, and I have always wronged her. My temper is considerably improved, and I now allow my servant Doody to call me abominable names without expostulation. DOODY.-Ah, ye blatherin' ould divil! SIR A.-My Son! [They embrace. Enter MR. and MRS. NETTLETOP. OURSELVES.-Singularly loose, sloppy, and inconsequent in its construction. Excellently written in parts-well written throughout; but many of the incidents are preposterously farcial. It is admirably acted by MISS WILTON, MRS. LEIGH MURRAY, MISS FOOTE, MR. HARE, and MR. BANCROFT. MR. MONTAGUE played a bad part in a gentlemanly, unassuming manner. MR. REYNOLDS, good. First and last scenes very well painted. The piece should be immediately cut down to three acts, and the electric battery burnt. Very Rickety. MESSRS. RICKETT AND Co., the well known coal merchants have, we hear, concluded a contract for the supply of coals to a large manufacturing establishment. How things change! In our younger days RIQUET was associated with the Tuft, now it's RICKETT with the Tendered. DICK H.-But I disown you; and Atalanta and I will fight the world together. My income is nothing a year-we can live comfortably, if not showily, on that, and put something by for a rainy day. [Exit, to draw his first quarter's salary. | Derby?" KNOT FOR (SIR) JOSEPH.-"Which of my three shall I back for the THE NEW YEAR. ANOTHER year has run its course, I think you'll find the New One. We have, though Heaven shapes our ends, And if your better gifts you hold Forgive the man who's done you harm, For poverty and sickness. Your sufferings for others' sakes, Well! face them with a spirit bold, You've borne them in the year that's old, J. Bull (log.):-"HANG IT! THIS IRISH ACCOUNT GETS MORE CONFUSED AND DIFFICULT EVERY YEAR. PERHAPS IT WILL BECOME CLEARER IF I STRIKE OUT THIS TROUBLESOME CHURCH ITEM." WILLIAM JENKINS assureth reiterateth it; and sweareth a THE BALLAD OF POLLY HOPKINS. her that he is a ghost. (Translated from the old Welsh of SHONI AP NEBRHYWDDYN. It was probably from this old ballad that TENNYSON took the metre of his "Ballad of Oriana.”) WILLIAM JENKINS becometh enamoured of MARY HOPKINS, yet goeth to sea in a ship. MARY HOPKINS bewaileth her loss scated under a willow tree. WILLIAM JENKINS voyageth over the ocean, and thinketh continually of MARY HOPKINS, He cometh into the great Gulf of Siam. MARY HOPKINS twineth green willow all round her hat. She resteth not upon her bed, but continually meditateth the probability of WILLIAM JENKINS his inconstancy. She designateth him a "scaly" fellow, and maketh an odious comparison. A tempest ariseth, the wind howleth, the sky is darkened, the rain poureth. MARY HOP KINS forebodeth evil. Her cogitations are suddenly interrupted. Describeth KINS his ghost. Her wreath was twined of weeping willow, There came no rest unto her pillow, As "scaly" as an armadillo! One night the wind it whistled loud, The sky was hid behind a cloud, POLLY HOPKINS! There came a figure in a shroud, WILLIAM JEN- With salt sea spray its garments dripped, MARY HOPKINS is horribly afraid. She hideth her head. She prayeth and maketh a vow. She questioneth the apparition on its identity. The apparition informeth MARY HOPKINS what it is. It turneth out to be WILLIAM JENKINS his spirit. He describeth his shipwreck, and present peculiar position. MARY HOPKINS plucketh up courage. She apostrophiseth POLLY HOPKINS! WILLIAM JENKINS, and com- "O, BILLY JENKINS," then she said, mandeth him to keep his distance. She informs him that she placeth no confidence in his relation. Welshman's oath. He relateth some further particulars of his death; and bewaileth ghostly state. his MARY HOPKINS continueth incredulous; yet alloweth the possibility of his correctness. At the same time, she inti mateth its immateriality. She speaketh hard things unto him, and the ghost vanisheth. MARY HOPKINS "letteth concealment, like a worm i' the bud, prey on her damask cheek. WILLIAM JENKINS his ghost haunteth her continually. Horrid visions oppress her. She dreameth continually of WILLIAM JENKINS. She receiveth a letter. ye Letter: Ship letter. SIAM. Containeth the matter of the letter. "I am a ghost, it's not a cram, POLLY HOPKINS! I'm in the ocean, off Siam, POLLY HOPKINS! O'er billows high an hour I swam, Then sank,-I wish I was a sham POLLY HOPKINS! But I'm a ghost (worse luck) I am! POLLY HOPKINS!" "It may be so-you may be there, BILLY JENKINS! And, if you are, I do not care, BILLY JENKINS! His ghost it vanished into air, Short time ago she blooming shone, The slow, slow days pass sadly on; Some inward sorrow preyed upon The ghost came to her every night, POLLY HOPKINS! It stood between her and the light, POLLY HOPKINS! She saw it when the stars were bright, It stood there silent every night, Sad dreams came to her in a host, POLLY HOPKINS! She saw his corse on Siam's coast, POLLY HOPKINS! She often sighed, "Alas! poor ghost!" Her weary life was gone almost, POLLY HOPKINS! There came a letter by the post, POLLY HOPKINS! "I write in health," the letter said, substance For fear that you should think me dead, MARY HOPKINS recovereth her good looks. She peruseth diligently the Shipping Gazette, until at last WILLIAM JENKINS suddenly appeareth before her. She fainteth; but WILLIAM JENKINS recovereth her speedily, and they arrange the preliminaries of a happy marriage. POLLY HOPKINS! The Money Market. SUCH is the state of commercial depression in the foreign markets that nature has been assisting to raise the wind by a series of Cycloans. A panic was the result. |