MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.

ON THE RAIL.

WHEN We got in the train the cold of them carriages, as is that large to 'old fifty passengers was awful, and ther stoves not lighted, as is obligated for to be, tho' 'ighly dangerous, ani was the death of them poor creeturs as rolled over the bank all in flames, but the 'Merrykins is a light-'arted lot and didn't seem to think no more on it than nothink. I'm sure the way as we went on a-bumpin' and a-lumpin' was enough to knock the breath out of your body, and that party as 'ad took the brandy so free, she couldn't set up for 'er 'ead bein' that bad, as 'ad a carpet bag along with 'er as she clung to werry tight. Well, what with the cold, and not gettin' nothink proper for to eat nor to drink all day, I was that dreadful knocked up as I could not 'ardly set up myself, and 'ad to change them cars, as they calls 'em, constant, as ain't no more cars than I am, with the step up to them that 'igh as get up I could not, but for three gentlemen as werry nigh pulled me in 'arf a-draggin' at me.

Well that party as 'ad took my brandy as I wouldn't notice no more, when a-findin' 'er out in such a awful falsehood, she was a-bein' pulled up arter me, for the rail-road dont stop at no platform like a Christian country, and if they didn't take and let 'er carpet-bag drop, as were bein' 'anded to er; she come and sat down near me, and I see a reg'lar pool a runnin' from that carpet-bag, with a tremenjous smell of sperrits, but didn't take no notice, when all on a sudden she gives a start and says, "Oh my bottle;" and if she 'adn't 'ad a bottle of whiskey all the while of 'er own in that bag as 'ad got broke with the fall, not as I blamed 'er for gettin' a drop of brandy out of me, for of all the beastly stuff as ever I did taste it's that whiskey, as Burbun is the 'Merrykin for, and no wonder, as burns their insides out and turns 'em as yaller as a guinea in no time.

I didn't say a word nor take no notice for I was more dead than alive, and as night were a-comin' on agin I asks if I could 'ave one of them sleepin' cars, as they said I could arter supper, and a nice supper it were as we got about seven, a bit of steak as 'ard as a 'alter as the sayin' is, and a few 'taters' and tea as cat-lap is the name for it, with cake and treacle, and bread and cheese as they eats with happlepie and not a drop of nothink to comfort anyone.

So I gets into the sleepin' car too tired for to ask no questions, and was that glad to lay down as I paid the young man two dollars for, and asked no questions and we was soon a-jogglin' on wiolent when a man with a lamp come along and says, "Your ticket."

So I give it 'im, and he says "you're in the wrong train and must pay over agin."

I says, "Ow is that ?"

Why," ," he says "this is a goin' to Boston." Well I says then I'll go to Boston, and pays the money and drops off in a instant, for dogs ain't nothink to the tired as I were, and slep' thro' all that racket till next mornin' as found me in Boston, as they calls it, though a place as is in England, for BROWN 'ave been there as is werry ridiculous in the 'Merrykins a-namin' all the places the same, as must cause confusion to the postman, as can't know where to deliver the letters. Jest the same as MRS. SMITH as went and christened all'er eight the same names as their aunts and uncles, and says, "Oh they're family names as all the cousins is called the same" so when a letter come a sayin' as PETER SMITH were dead in London none on 'em knowed which he were.

I don't know where I should 'ave got to at Boston but for a old gentleman in the train as spoke to me werry friendly, and stopped the feller from cheatin' me out of some Canady money, as is worth a deal more than 'Merrykin, and if that old gentleman didn't take me to a werry nice, quiet 'ouse, where a lady took me in for to oblige 'im, and it's lucky as I got there, for the snow fell more deeper than ever, and it's a mercy as I wasn't at that farm-'ouse, as we should 'ave all been starved at.

It's werry sing'lar' ow them 'Merrykins live, and don't seem to care to 'ave a 'ome of their own, but likes them boardin'-ouses, as comes a deal cheaper than 'ousekeepin', and certingly that lady in the name of DALY did 'er duty by them, as kep' a good table, and no nonsense about 'er, but give me a drop of brandy in my tea, as brought the life back into me.

I was dreadful put out for to think as I was ever so far off BROWN, and 'im p'raps a-dyin'; but the trains wasn't runnin', and so in course I could not be, and for two days I were kep' in Boston, as MRS. DALY told me was jest like England, when you could see it, as in course you could not with the snow five feet deep, and everyone a-goin' about in them slays.

So there I 'ad to stop and couldn't see nothink, as I should like to 'ave seen the battle of Bunkum-'ill, as was fought close by, as MRS. DALY'S grandfather 'ad been left for dead with a bagginet right thro' 'im, as she 'ad a-'angin' over 'is picter, as 'ad lost a eye thro' a red-'ot poker as a mischeevous boy 'ad poked right thro' it, and never the

same man agin, tho' spared over eighty, and well remembered GENERAL WASHINTUB, as were called the father of 'is country, and married a widder lady with two children, as there were a picter on a-'angin' in the room as I slep' in, as he had give 'er grandfather 'isself, and should 'ave been worrited to death about BROWN, only a young gentleman as were a-belongin' to the Telegraph boarded with MRS. DALY, as put me up to the Telegraph, and got an answer back within the 'our, a-sayin' as he were all right, as I says must be foolishness, for he was that bad as nearly frightened me to death three days ago; but in course the Telegraph didn't know nothink about that, and glad I was to 'ear as the line were clear for the train next mornin', and off I was at 'arf-past eight, as is a werry nice train, but a long journey, as only stopped once for a snack, and got to New York by five o'clock, with the snow up to your middle, and took me werry near as long for to get 'ome to Brooklyn, as is at MRS. SKIDMORE's, as it 'ad to come all the journey, and if there wasn't BROWN a-settin' a-smokin' 'is pipe as cool as a cucumber, as the sayin' is.

"Well," I says, "this is pretty goin's on, a-bringin' me from the world's end, as meant to stop for the christenin' to soothe your dyin' moments, and then to find you a-smokin' as if nothink 'ad 'appened." "Well," he says, "no more nothink aint 'appened."

I says, "Didn't you write Joe word as you was werry bad, and gettin' worse." "No," he says, "never. All I wrote was 'don't let your mother 'urry 'ome for its gettin' bad and will soon be

worse.

"Well, then," I says, "you didn't write nothink of the sort for I've got your letter in my pocket, least ways, in my bag, and I'll show it you by-and-by." And so I did when I was more myself, and if he hadn't been and left out "don't" with a blot over "its" as both Jor and me read for "I am." I never see BROWN more took aback or put out, and tho' he didn't say much, I see as he were pleased to see me a-comin' thro' fire and water like to nuss 'im, as I'm thankful as he didn't stand in no need on; but I do think as sich another journey would be the hend of me, and tho' BROWN says as he's a-makin' money 'ere, I must say as it ain't a place as I takes to at all; where you may go about and find yourself cut off from a drop of drink, jest thro' a-goin' a few miles, as is 'ighly dangerous for them as is subject to sudden cramps as might cut you off in a instant, and is no better than murder to deny anyone a drop of brandy, as 'ave saved many a life, tho' no doubt there is parties as 'ave drunk theirselves into the grave, but that ain't no reason why others should be denied in moderation what is needful for the 'ealth, as I'm sure MRS. WEBSTER, as were JANE CAULDWELL, wouldn't be alive and the mother of seven now if I 'adn't dropped brandy down her throat with a quill, and her jaws set and her eyes fixed in typhus fever when only seventeen, and 'er own mother a-sayin' "Don't torment 'er but let 'er die in peace," as my words was, "While there's life there's hope," as proved true, for she was asked in Church that werry time two years, and a good match too when you comes to consider as the tripe-and-trotter is a ready money business, partikler with 'ot sheeps' 'eads throwed in of a Saturday night as isn't things I ever took to, tho' I knowed a family as were of the Scotch persuasion as did used to make broth with 'em, and burn the wool off as made it taste for all the world like tops of pens as our Jos did used to burn in the candle, and call it roast beef, as I pretty soon put a stop to, thro' not a-bearin' the smell.

to me

So I was a-sayin' a-not-allowin' a drop of brandy to be sold will bring on murder some day, as is sure to be found out, though p'rhaps too late, as were the case with that willin as murdered the MARS'ES, and never brought 'ome to 'im till he'd been and 'ung 'isself in prison, as showed 'is guilt, as must be a awful thing to 'ave on your mind, and so I told MRS. SKIDMORE's own brother, as is one of them teetotalers, as I told him "If you likes water, stick to it," as I'm sure if he'd drunk less on it, and used a little more to 'is face and 'ands, wouldn't 'ave done 'im no 'arm, as pretty nigh drove me mad with 'is rubbish, a-goin' on a-sayin' as all drinks was the works of the devil, as we did ought to set our faces agin.

"Well," I says, "that's what I do, I sets my face agin it or I couldn't drink it," "and if he didn't say as I were a reprobate, and leave the 'ouse in a 'uff. But it come 'ome to 'im, for he was found a-settin' on a door-step quite insensible, as the policeman said smelt dreadful of liquor, as declared he 'adn't touched a drop of nothink, so they thought he was p'isoned and was a-goin' to use the stomich-pump as soon brought him to his senses; and allowed as he 'ad took jest a drop by order of the doctor, but never come near me no more, as is what I calls a 'umbug which is a character as I looks down on, tho' not one for to be 'ard on anyone as is overtook in a fault, as is werry often owin' to the state of the stomich, for I'm sure I've knowed myself when the least thing would upset me, as am not one to give in to drink, but can take my share, as much as is good for me, and no one didn't ought to take more, tho' in course we are all flesh and blood, as is liable to faults, and didn't ought to be 'ard one on another, for them as 'olds their 'eads the 'ighest is sure to get the 'ardest knocks. But glad I was to be back agin with BROWN, as its lonesome work a-goin' about alone, partikler for anyone as is a fieldmale and middle-aged.

64

FOUR WHEELER FOR WO-OH.

Men

WE were at the horse-flesh banquet at the Langham Hotel on the 6th inst. It was the thing to do, and we are very glad it is done; for though it was not exactly, as ToM INGOLDSBY Wrote of an execution, a thing to shudder at, not to see," we cannot end-'orse the opinion that horse-flesh is likely to become a pal-at-table, or a stable article of food. There were three horses in the carte :-the career of one had been cut short at the age of four years, the others were immolated at the respective ages of twenty and twenty-two. Grace having been said in a voice anything but hoarse, the soup was first put upon the table not hock-stale, but "consommée" of horse, and "purée of charger. These, notwithstanding a slight soupçon of an unusual flavour, were decidedly good. Salmon and soles dressed with sauces of equine origin followed, and were succeeded as hors d'œuvres, by horse sausages and horse-liver patties. The first of these was, to our taste, the best preparation of all-the real flavour of the meat being thus most successfully disguised. But soon the mask was thrown off-horse steaks au naturel were set before the company, and then came "the tug of war." looked up at the white horses' heads which were affixed to the walls of the room, and which in return looked down reproachfully, and seemed to veto the proceedings with a silent "Nay, Neigh!" They evidently possessed the same powers as their brethren of the channel between Folkestone and Boulogne, and in spite of rallying cries of encouragement-such as "Go at it, sir! The more you look the less you'll like it" "Put the spurs into him, sir," &c., many of the guests "craned" at their plates. A baron of horse brought in on the shoulders of four cooks, and preceded by a herald proclaiming it with sound of trumpet, "The roast beef of Old England" proved a veritable pièce de résistance, with which none but a stomach as strong as that of an ostrich could contend, and when a facetious gentleman was heard to call to the waiter to "bring another penn'orth," the allusion to the skewer made his neighbours look "more askewer still." MR. FRANK BUCKLAND contributed to the dinner a bear's ham. "Bear and for-bear" appeared to be everyone's motto; for it was so highly appreciated that in five minutes nothing of it but bare bones remained.

Seriously, we went to the banquet of horseflesh prepared to enjoy it, and believing that an undue prejudice existed in its disfavour, but we must honestly say we did not like it, and we doubt if it will ever come into general use as an article of food.

Oh, Pickles!

WE are none of us safe at any time from the blandishments of pretty girls, but when in addition to their ordinary charms, they add such a temptation as the following, who is safe ?

TO INDIAN OFFICERS and others.-The widow of a naval officer is desirous of

meeting with a gentleman to BOARD with her. She has lived long in India, and is accustomed to making curries and other Indian dishes. Terms moderate.Address, etc.

Oh! dear delightful widow with an aching heart and a turn for making curries, no terms would be too extravagant in which to address you! Cruel, irritating widow, it was indeed sly of you in one breath to appeal to both the heart and the stomach! May you be happy with your Indian officer "and others," only for pity's sake, what with your caresses and your curries, don't make the place too hot to hold them!

THE LAY OF THE LORDLINGS.

"WHAT matter how caddish, and mean we appear-
Let the Times and the Telegraph shriek-
'Tis jolly enough with our thousands a year,
And brandies-how many a week?

They say we are silly and shaky all day,
And tumble in tipsy to bed,

We gamble and borrow and cheat at our play,

Who cares-we are gentlemen bred!

Folks talk about women as if we were bound

To the chivalric days of the past;

We want them, like fillies, all warranted sound,
And up to their fences, and fast!

We can run them a season or so for "a pot."
Bah! the days of devotion are dead;

For after a time we can pension the lot,
They know we are gentlemen bred.

They tell us to look in the windows of SAMS,
At the bucks of the polished old school;
They prate of the honour and courtesy-crams;
Why, a man with a stock is a fool.

We have copied the music-hall pattern of coat,
The hat stuck askew on the head,

With jockeys and grooms we can row in the boat,
For we are all gentlemen bred.

In these twopenny-halfpenny days of the press,

We are pointed at day after day,

If a man commits bigamy, gets in a mess

In a mean and contemptible way,

Unless we can manage to mend and reflect,..
In these days of reform, it is said

No duffer will hold us in any respect,
Although we are gentlemen bred..

AN article on education in the Photographic News winds up with, "Oh, for a large-heart art-teacher." Pending the arrival of that gentleman, will an ordinary schoolmaster do for the writer of the paper? If so, there would be plenty of work for the pedagogue. He might point out the grammatical error of such a sentence as

"The grey-bearded notion that education for the masses were broadswords,

barricades, and revolution concealed in sheep's clothing."

66

A notion with a grey beard is funny enough, but a barricade in sheep's clothing is so comical, that the schoolmaster might venture to say, "Don't talk non sense," without any fear of "hurling a shaft of timid awe into the breast of the plodding student." He might also tell the 'plodding student" that the Messiah is not one of the heaven-born melodies of HANDEL; and finally he might object to the sentence, "Of the two, the pupil is the most rational," that nothing can be the most rational of two-it might be more rational. And so might the article we quote.

USED UP.-When it rains-an umbrella,

DECORATIVE ART.

DESIGN FOR A DRINKING FOUNTAIN-BY J. FROST.

Answers to Correspondents.

[We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope: but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do we hold ourselves responsible for lose.].

X. Y. Z. sends us the old joke about "mar-malade," with a new joke attached to it in the form of a note:-"Malade in French means sick." E. Nur is not as good as a feast-though he's as bad as almost anything. FREEDOM should not write hobbling verse about GARIBALDI-it's not freedom, it's a liberty.

RORIENG MAC.-The frescos in the House are by MR. E. M. WARD. DAGMAR.-We are sorry for your ignorance; you quite misunderstand us, but we are not surprised.

H. H. H.-You have given us not only aches, but pains with your excruciating doggerel.

D. (Darlington).-Good; but we mustn't publish it.
CANTAB can't'ab a chance of distinguishing himself in our columns.
ESOR.-If we printed you, you would become an Isor.
LUNATICO.-D Lunatico.

J. C. (Oakley-square).-Your "Bachelor's Hobbies" must. suffer from lameness, they halt so abominably. We have "fired" them-it was the best thing to be done for them.

C. W. W. (Sutherland-street).-Your old English is almost as bathe modern English of those you satirise.

COSTERMONGER JOE may move on with his "shallow" contribut
SHOPMAN.-Nothing else to-day, thank-you.
INDENTURE. Not quite up to the mark.

Declined with thanks:-W. S., Cambridge; J. R., Southampton
J. M. L., Musselburgh; G. P., Marylebone-road; X. Y., Edinburgh;
J. H. C.; T. F., Lancashire; E. H., New North-road; R. L.; H. N. B.,
Wilts; M. McS., Westminster; Pointsman; E. C. S., Elmore-street
A. L., Westminster; H. N., Kew; W. J., Penshurst-road; E. H., Epping;
L. K., Dublin; Skyblue; J. B. T., Brixton; C. M. C., Craven-street;
C. E. K., Bloomsbury; Dos; W. Belper; H. G., Over-Darwen; A Con-
stant Reader; J. T., Macclesfield; G. L. G., Liverpool; F. A. E., Green-
wich; A. E. G., Dundee; J. B., Dundee; W. J. R.; H. B. S.; S. W.