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NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE HUGHES TO IT! Rapid Genius :—"'OW DO I MANAGE IT? WHY, FUST OF ALL I TAKES THE BROWN AND DOES ALL THE CATS AND THE RINDS OF THE CHEESE8—THEN I TAKES THE YALLER AND GOES OVER THE CHEESES, AND PUTS IN BYES AND STRIPES TO THE CATS.
WITH A BRUSH O' BLACK I PUTS IN THE BOTTLES AND THE MICE; FINISHES UP WITH A DAB O' WHITE ON THE BOTTLES AND IN THE MICE'S HEYBS —AND THERE YOU ARE !”
THE LOBLOLLY LETTERS.
One of the peculiarities of the place is that every other person you
meet is called HILLER. I believe it was from this fact that DICKENS A DOMESTIC DRAMA SET FORTH IN A FEW FAMILIAR EPISTLEB. derived the immortal name of Weller. The chief hotel in the place is [From George Loblolly, Esq., Broadstairs, to Charles Smith, Esq., London.] the Tartar Frigate Inn--that is, if one may call the place where
one gets the best beer in the place the chief hotel. It is close to the DEAR CHARLIB,—Here we are at the seaside for our annual holidaypier where the boatmen are, and I went to it as I go to the public It's very jolly here, and I'm enjoying it very much--the place is quiet, nearest a cab-stand, because where good judges abound, good beer though it lies between Margate and Rumsgate. It is free from the will be found." vulgarity of the former and the gentility of the latter.
The governor being absent of necessity from the warehouse feels a All the family are here, including my cousin JULIA, a very nice girl, little out of place-like a fish out of water, or I should say, perhaps, & only she has some stuck-up notions, in which she takes after her father whale out of oil. I believe he only bathes because it reminds him of who throw up business to take to Art-only Art didn't take to him.
so many dipu—especially as people write to the newspapers and say However, she is in a fair way to get a lesson which I think will cure the bathing here is (s)candle-ous. He writes daily almost to PIPPINGS, her, and if so look out for wedding-cake and white favours.
who responds with equal regularity, and he seems rather cut up at my I took my mother out for a sail the other day-lovely weather, and "levity" as he calls it. The fact is, I don't feel much in love with such a sea and sky! But it didn't make her in the least sentimental
the warehouse, though of course I stick to it and do my duty; but I she only made one remark all the time, and that was when she saw a don't see why a fellow should think so much of the shop that he can't jelly fish swim by, and she said, “That reminded her that she hadn't enjoy a holiday-it's what I call running counter to nature. When been to the confectioner's to order a tart for dinner.' William went i'm married and settled I'll attend to the pickle and olive branches. out with us, but was awfully ill. As he says, he's a capital sailor-as
Can't you run down from a Saturday till Monday. We can give long as he stops on shore. He is dreadfully given to natural philosophy you a bed and we might have a sail over to the Goodwin Sands—that and science since he joined the University. The other day he went is if you can stand the sea. If not you'd better not go, for as WILLIAM into a long dissertation as to the reason why people wore yellow shoes said the other day, “It's no use flying in the face of your stom ich," at the seaside. He wanted to attribute it to that “wonderful provision which was rather a new feature to me. Good-bye.—Yours, of nature which enables the chameleon to assume the colour of the
GEORGE, tree on which it feeds.” But his theory was snuffed out by a local dealer in shoes, who told him it was because the sea spoilt black leather. [From Mrs. Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Mrs. John Loblolly, Little Britain.]
We have pleasant lodging3 here not far from the coastguard station, on the top of a cliff. It is called the Battery because there are no Dear Jane,—I've just snatched a minute while the little ones are guns there. We have been'out for several drives in the neighbourhood, down bathing to drɔp you a line. We are all down here enjoying but the hot weather makes the flies very troublesome-one of them ourselves, except me, for what with men ling an i anxiety I'm as hard wanted six shillings tak us over to Murgate, a matter of two worked as a negro slave. And meat is dear and everybody's appetite miles or so.
is awful. They all eat three times as much as they do at home. We
had a dreadful accident coming down the Margate porters bumped
OUR LIBRARY TABLE. the boxes about so that, though I packed them with my own hands, a fask of oil (you know he will always carry condiments from his own
READERS who like a novel which has a backbone in it will thank us shop,) got broke, and has spoilt two breadths of my grey silk, to say for introducing to their notice The Waterdale Neighbours, just published nothing of going over all my nightdresses so that I felt as if I was by Messus. TINSLEY AND COMPANY. It is the work of the Author sleeping in salad for the first few nights. From the same cause I got of Paul Massie; it is also, judging from internal evidence, the work an awful turn from Jane the nurse, who came up to me on landing of a clever, earnest, and thoughtful journalist. Paul Massie was looking pale and strange, and with a great stain like blood all down not, by any means, a satisfactory book; but it gave promise of a her apron. I thought she had gone mad and murdered the baby, but better, and in The Waterdale Neighbours the promise has been it was only sea-sickness and some red currant jelly cr something of the kept. · We decline to spoil the sale by telling the story, of which, sort that got broke in somebody's luggage, while she was getting at however, it may with perfect truth be said that the interest is, as it the perambulator.
should be, cumulative throughout, and keenest in the last thirty pages. I very much fear that'Julia has formed an attachment which may None of the types of character introduced may be absolutely now, but interfere with my plan for her union with our GEORGE. We have
some of them are handled with a refreshing courage and vigour. In fact, somehow got acquainted with a Mx. ACIER, a very dashing sort of if we had to characterise the novel by a single adjective, we should say fellow who has evidently made a great impression. I have iny doubts that it was emphatically a brave book. The author is a Radical, and about him. The other day he nodded to some one who he said was
he has “the courage of his convictions." He does not coquet with DICKENS—but whether this was for joke or show-off I can't say;
Democratic Toryism, nor philander with the thing that calls itself however, I met the same person afterwards when I was with Mr. L., Philosophical Liberalism. Hence, when he writes of the working man, who shook hands with him, and he's a leather merchant somewhere in he shows you a live human being in honest Tom Berry, the ci-devant the Borough.
Chartist. He does not fear to point out Tom's weaknesses ; but he Now I must conclude with, dear Jane, your affectionate sister,
does not insult Tom and the class of Tom either by offensive patron
MARIA. age, or by hinting that the new recruits of the electoral body need to P.S.-- Will you just call in at the house now and then, and see if be kept in order by elaborate "checks” and “ balances.". There is all is going right. If you go in at irregular times they won't know love-making in the book, very human and true, some of it—there is when to expect you and you can catch them if there is anything going scene-painting in the book, delicate, and tender and graceful ; but it
Please call at Topper's the chemist's, and ask him to send me is, above all, for the bravery with which it encounters moral, religious, some powders for the children, they're all very well now, but I don't social, political difficulties that The Waterdale Neighbours must specially like them to go too long without a motherly dose. If the Jones's ask be praised. where we are, say at Boulogne-it's only just on the other side, so it is
There is no pleasanter “common object of the sea-shore " than a not altogether an untruth, and they're so sarcastic.
young lady reading a new novel; but the sea-side ought to have a lite
rature of its own. A welcome contribution to the library of the sands and (To be continued.)
the rocks is furnished by Mr. W. B. Lord in his “ Crab, Shrimp, and Lobster Lore,” just issued by the Messrs. ROUTLEDGE. Those
who do not care for its science, may be interested in its valuable hints AN ODE.
on practical subjects ; and MR. LORD has had the good sense to make (Supposed to be one of those written for the Eisteddfod and picked up near
his book pala table to the general reader, by introducing a number of the office of“ Tinsley's Magazine."')
anecdotes, some of them new, most of them amusing, concerning the
manners and customs of the crustacea.
Or Welshmen and of Druids,
Answers to Correspondents.
(We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanie He'd tack like any cutter
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica When he'd his "crw" aboard him,
tions with illegible signalures or monograma.]
Pex.-Peaks of rubbish!
MAC ETHER.–The notion was long ago. carried out in Fux,
Fox I.--Evidently a mistake in the signature, “Goosey ” would be
G. T. N. (Fenchurch-street.)-Thanks,
ROAST LAMB.-We cannot see the point of your anecdote.
I. V.--We cannot decide without further consideration,
A Constant RBADER.--If you agree with the article you forward you
must be very ignorant of the truth.
F. E. B. (Notting-hill.) --Already worked out in an early number of AP-Jones he had a suit
our old series. Of broadcloth clothes for Sunday,
R. A. (H.M.S. , Portsmouth.) Under consideration. But how And played the German flute
comes it that your postmark is Birmingham ?
A MEMBER OF THE B. AND F. B. S., who has written us a long rig-
marole, is assured that his letter has thrown a new light on the subject And second-bestest garments,
a cigar. And he gave his mind to 'taturs,
A. K. (Canonbury Cottages, Croydon.)-Defrauds the Post Office by Instead of psalms and sarments.
sending a letter in a book-post parcel, and expects us to return his-well,
drawing-when he does not comply with our rules.
J. V.--Under consideration.
G. D. E. P.-The sketch-or rather suggestion--was worthless until
improved upon. To put AP-Jones inside of.
SAGACITY. —Your St. Leger prophecy is worth exactly as much as all His life a glorious thing it
the other prophecies-except one. Was counted by the quallity,
COMMON SENSE.-(Who, by the way, is a colonel in the army) agrees So they asked a bard to sing it,
with us as to the iniquity of allowing soldiers to do harvesters' work. If And to praise the Principality.
our soldiers have spare time, let them have a trade, to which they can resort
PIERROT.-Apply at the G. P. O., St. Martin's-le-Grand.
Declined with thanks:-R. W., Belfast; A. E. B.; Gee Cee; H. W.M. No one will be disposed to envy the task of the gentleman who was Hayes; J. B., Manchester; E, F., Heavitree ; R. F. E., Ramsgate; Freesolicited to adjudicate the prize of £20 and a silver medal, offered for trade ; R., T. M., Sobo;
Faned; Vex; X.G.; F. G., Harper-street; "Ye a new poem or song by a Welshman." Ninety-three compositions Corporal;” A. W., St. George's-road; B. B., Kentish Town-road ; K. Y.; sent in, and not one of sufficient merit to secure the prize! A plain F.P.; R. B.,
Grundy-street;, A. J. S., Northampton; A person who proof that the competitors possess none of the genius of a YOUNG, a
assumes the signature Phiz.;" E. H., Cadiz ; H. S., Great Percy-street; "W.;"
C. A. C.; Central Fire; Do you like 'em; H. C., Erith; J. F.; Clobe, or a BARTHOLOMEW. Why not throw the prize open to Welsh- H. T.'W.; T. S. W.; W. H. W.; R. T. D.; Catapulto H.; W. J: M., men of all nations ? We trust the Bards will give our hint a con, Ware; G. s., Islington; A. J., Paisley; B.' C., Paddington; A. F. C., sideration before the next “Session of Parliament."
Edinburgh; 5. D., Ireland.
THE CUSTOM-HOUSE PARADE.
to-morrow's dinner before we can make a night of it. Perhaps that BY OUR OWN BILL OF ENTRY.
was the reason why we generally stuck to the neighbourhoodat
least some of the chaps in my department did ; and even at lunch Fellows may talk as they like about the Customs being the lowest time, and when we had out-door work, made half an hour to light up branch of the Civil Service, and so it is in the matter of pay, and more in a quiet room over there in the lane opposite, where there was pretty shame for a remorseless Government: but this I will say, that there good fun, I can tell you, and our lunches was mostly off bitter beer and are gents in the Long Room, and in our office, and about the Queen's Bristol birdseye. That wasn't moral, was it ? And a paternal Warehouse, that will bear comparison with any of your stuck-up West- Government soon found us out and
farmed a big refreshment room in end swells,-chaps that I can't, for my own part, abide, with their airs the house itself to a licensed victualler, so that we should have no and their six o'clock dinners, and nothing to do but to read the papers, excuse for not having our meals regular, and could be timed by the while we're hard at it.
we ate 'em by twilight at fourpence a plate, and a pint of What if some of us have been put into our situations through inte porter for twopence. Whether or not that's broke the neck of our rest, and not a few by being connected with high families through little recreations I ain't going to say, nor yet to tell where we're the servants' hall? there's no secret that more than two people know: moved our quarters to; but this much I know, as there isn't half a and when you come to patronage, service is as good a ground to go chance now of an airy stroll on our parade to get an appetite for the upon as any other. I know this, that there's not a few of our fellows fish dinner round the corner by Darkhouse-lane. Why, I remember that look regular nobs; and as to dress : well, I'm sorry to say we do the time when the big stone steps by the Queen's warehouse used to outrun the constable at times in a way that our salaries won't answer be a regular resort for half the good-looking girls about Thames-street for. It's screwing work as it gets towards quarter-day; and though just at lunch time, especially when the Custom House sales were of; it's more than our places is worth to do a bit of a bill for each other and the foreign goods seized for duty were on view. Free trade and and we look each other up pretty sharp, when the chap just above you commercial treaties have helped to put a stopper on that sort of thing, goes and puts his name to stamped paper—there are more ways than and the sales ain't
half what they used to be when the officers would one of getting a loan. It's all owing to the Government :-not the unroll a stout gentleman to find the lace and tobacco that was packed loan I don't mean, but the way some of us are always in trouble about round his body, or discover half a dozen gallons of French brandy
stowed money. Why, I remember in my father's time, when
he was in the away in an indiarubber petticoat. Many a glass of mulled claret have very desk that I've booked for next vacancy, there was a beadle, or a I had in the winter time in the Queen's cellar, where it used to bọ fireman, or some such subordinate as did the business for us. Subor. warmed over an oil lamp in a lantern with plenty of cinnamon and dinate, says I—why, he was a capitalist, and there wasn't, perhaps, a nutmeg, and I should like to know who was the worse for it. I know dozen of the fellows,-no, not even the nobs, that he hadn't got their I was a precious sight the better, and so I was for a little of the notes of hand and I'O U's in the pocket of his livery coat. They were champagne that was always allowed for breakages in another place all tarred with the same brush, that was the best of'it; and there was not far off. Times have altered
now in everything except our salaries, some that was put on their pensions, and others that had left the and they keep stationary. service, as had to pay through the nose all the rest of their lives, mind you, and compound interest hanging over 'em to such a tune as took most of the gilt off the gingerbread.
A Different Construction. Ours is such a paternal Government, you see, that it has to be very Chambers's Journal states that in some parts of Germany railways careful of our morals; and to take care that we shan't have too much are now constructed without wood. Well! What of that? In some to spend, so that we get away from the shop at four o'clock and have parts of England they are constructed without money,
which is much to count our small change to see how much we shall have left for more strange! London : --Printed by JUDD & GLA88, Phænix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published I for the Proprietar) oy W. ALDBK, at du, Cheek-screet, E.C.–
September 21, 1867.
The Turk he shyly bit his thumb,
And coyly blushed like one half-witted, The pain is in my little tum"
fe, whispering, at length admitted. “ Then take you this, and take you that
Your blood flows sluggish in its channelYou must get rid of all this fat,
And wear my medicated flannel. “ You'll send for me, when you're in need
My name is Brown-your life I've saved it!" My rival!" shrieked the invalid,
And drew a mighty sword and waved it: “This to thy weazand, Christian pest!"
Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it,
The sabre and the hand that held it.
The Turk adored the maid of Hooe
(Although his harem would have shocked her); But Browx adored that maiden, too
He was a most seductive doctor. They'd follow her where'er she'd go
A course of action most improperShe neither knew by sight, and so
For neither of them cared a copper. BROWN did not know that Turkish male
He might have been his sainted motherThe people in this simple tale
Are total strangers to each other. One day that Turk he sickened sore
Which threw him straight into a sharp petHe threw himself upon the floor
And rolled about upon his-carpet:
It made him moan-it made him groan
And almost wore him to a mummy: Why should I hesitate to own
That pain was in his little tummy? At length a Doctor came and rung
(As ALLAH ACHMBT had desirëd) — Who felt bis pulse, took up bis tongue,
And hummed and hawed, and then inquirëd : “ Where is the pain that long has preyed
Upon you in so sad a way, sir?" The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said, “I don't exactly like to say,
sir!” “Come, nonsense!” said good DOCTOR Brown,
“So this is Turkish coyness, is it? You must contrive to fight it down
Come, come, sir, please to be explicit.”
The blow was a decisive one
And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty« Xow see tbe mischief that you've done,
You Turks are so extremely hasty. « There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe,
He's short and stout- I'm tall and wizen ; You've been and run the wrong one through.
That's how the error has arisea." The accident was thus explaired,
Apologies were only heard now“At my mistake I'm really pained,
I am, indeed, upon my word now! "With me, sir, you shall be interred,
A Mausoleum grand awaits me “Oh, pray don't say another word,
I'm sure that more than compensates me! “But p'raps, kind Turk, you're full inside ?"
“There's room,” said he, “ for any number." And so they laid them down and died.
In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.
imitation of it, issued in penny weekly numbers, flourished long before a cheap newspaper was thought of. One of the results of the indis
criminate sale of this filthy poison may be found in the police reports BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
of last week. A lad of fourteen stole a horse at Southsea. He was F all the stupid things a man
pursued and captured on Portsdown-hill, when it was found that he can do in the dull season, the
was provided with pistols, powder and ball, and a black mask, and worst is perhaps to plant him. TURPIN and Jack SHEPPARD. A good rod in pickle was the proper
that he intended to set up as a highwayman in imitation of Dick self before the target for public fate for the silly fellow; but I don't think the cart's tail and the rope's opinion to shoot at him. When Parliament is prorogued, and
end would be too much for the wretches who do not scruple to dis
seminate these mischievous publications.
A DEPUTY-ASSISTANT JUDGE
Is no grand judge, of course :
He says to mercy simply, “Fudge,"
And never feels remorse.
He scribbles lots of foolish rhyme, at its height ? But when the
His name not pleasant is—
He counts misfortune as a crime,
And so his wisdom's this!
A tart! But looked-at in another way, it
Means—something. Go! and see our Mathews play it. expose himself to the steel-tipt
2. darts of the letter-writing public
The first of verbs you learn, poor fool, as he did by the sentence he
When quite a boy you go to school : passed upon that most unhappy
When older grown you find, poor duffer, woman, AUGUSTA MITCHELL.
It means “to be—to domand suffer!" His conduct would be laughable if it were not heartless. Juries are bad enough, but with the addition of such judges, they become un.
3. bearable. I am glad there has been some stir about this most iniquitous
What the young must be, sentence. Mr. Payne, by his conduct in another public capacity, that
What the old
should be ; of chairman-buffoon at public tea-parties, brings the office of judge
What I shall, I trust, be into contempt. If he would retire into private life, and devote his
If old age but good be. leisure to the compilation and publication of his thousand and one Though the hair lose its gold, if the heart be not cold, tail-pieces of doggerel, no one would have any reason to complain
Its owner can never be hopelessly old ! except, perhaps, MR. TUPPER.
4. How on earth the International Donnybrook lately convened at Geneva could have the impudence to call itself a Peace Congress
You have it always at your fingers' ends, puzzles me! Though a brave soldier got worked up to such a pitch of
My friends ; enthusiasm, that he laid his decorations on the altar of peace-by
And if you chance to hit it on the head,
Well said ! which, I suppose, he meant the table where the chairman kept his glass of water-there was very little of a peaceful character about the
5. gathering, which was altogether of an inflammatory nature. GARIBALDI,
A place in Kentish land, which of course, was as consistently inconsistent, and as grandly unconscious
În flight À BECKET sheltered, of inconsistency, as ever, brave old boy! But I wonder it did not
It is not far from Sandwichstrike him that his first speech at a Peace Congress was not quite the
'Twas thonce he helter-skeltered. right occasion for proclaiming war against Rome.
Your patience too severely The second number of Broadway, just published, is an improvement
Should this historic test try, on the first. MR. HOLLINGSHBAD gives his critics a final shaking and
I'll point it out more clearly, a rather unanswerable reply. I think the magazine would sail better
I do not mean the Westry! if it made Jonahs of the two Reverends who contribute. Everybody's Samuel Lover makes his voice heard this month, and very welcome it is. There are three or four excellent papers, however, any one of
ANSWER TO ACROSTIO No. 27. them worth more than one gives for Broadway altogether; but I am
S Snob B not quite sure that some people may not consider that there is a little
E Empyreuma A too much light and laughable matter. I don't myself, but people who
Argonaut T have been used to the Cornhill may not be quite as much accustomed
Sarah H to levity.
Ichthyosauri I I wish journalists would leave natural history alone if they don't
Demon N know it. The other day the Saturday talked about the working bees
G killing the drones. Now, they don't do anything of the kind—they CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 27, RBCEIVED 18TH SEPTEMBER: - Gypi simply show them the door. The Times, in a leader last week, talked Ruby; Bunnie Price; Three fools. about the pelican bleeding to death that her brood may live. The pelican is not such a fool, if she bled to death, her brood would have no means
Bottled. of subsistence. These may be only figurative expressions, but they perpetuate error, and error, always tenacious of life, is hardest to Some poor idiot, the other day, thought it a clever practical joke to kill when it attacks natural history. On this account, I think no
send a bottle afloat at sea containing a slip of paper, on which was criticism can be too severe in condemnation of the clever pseudo- written—"DR. LIVINGSTONE, off Zambesi. Not lost at all. Can't natural history of the otherwise dull Temple Bar.
think how the report got about.” The ignorant donkey was, in point I have more than once denounced the pernicious trash which is the of geography, quite as much at cea as he evidently supposed the great disgrace of cheap literature—the stories in which thieves and robberg traveller to be. are held up as heroes. It is as well, however, to put it on record that, though they belong to cheap literature, they do not belong to the
Ferry Much So! cheap literature recently created by the removal of the paper duty and Why are the ferry boats built to run between Carnarvon and Angleother restrictions. Jack Sheppard, the book which gave the first sea engaged in a dangerous traffic ?-Because they are destined for impetus to stories of the class was written long since, and romances, in Menai straits.