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MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.
them airs, with a long curl down 'er back, and a pink dress gored to
the figger with wandykes all round the bottom, and a bad foot with CHRISTMAS AND New Year.
fancy boots, a light blue, as don't go well with a bunion.
Whatever that old beast of a fellow FLINTORN meant by a-stoppin' at It's all werry fine to talk about a Merry Christmas, but law bless you 'ome all day, as wasn't 'is place, but kep' a-eatin' and swillin' away all the 'Merrykins don't seem for to understand it except the Irish as ’ave the time, and not the money to pay 'is board, as ’ave lost three sitiva. been bred and born to it, for I'm sure Mrs. SKIDMORB ’adn't no more tions thro' bein' turned out for fingerin' the till, as I'm sure 'ad idea of a plum puddin' than a child unborn, as the sayin' is, as I told thoughts of robbin' me, as found 'im myself in my room us he said 'er if not stirred proper would be as raw as beef in the middle as said he'd mistook the door, and always shall believe as he'd some 'and in it were only my English prejudice, so in course I let 'er ’ave 'er way as proved a lump of dough in the middle of that puddin' accordin' my new silk umbroller as were took out of the stand in the passage.
Well we was all ready before ten, and I must say everythink looked to my words, and then to turn on me and say it was only English trash, that elegant
as we might ‘ave all been goin' to be married. and fit for 'ogs as put my temper up and I says “not bein' a 'og cannot
I can't say as I thought much of the parties as come to call as I say but I'm sure 'ogs would turn up their noses at some of your says to MRS. SKIDNORE, " If I was you I'd 'ave something laid down 'Merrykin dishes as is filth," and for to see old Mead as boards along over the carpets as them beastly dirty shoes will ruin.” with ÁRS. SKIDMORe eat 'is breakfast it's enough to turn your stomach
I spoke to 'er on the quiet, while a party as 'ad come in were aas will eat tripe by the plateful with fried 'taters and buttered toast swillin' away with that 'ere FLINTHORN in the baok room, as took and fried pork and beefsteak
and top up with platefuls upon platefuls and turned on me a-sayin' in is broken gibberish, as I weren't no lady of fried cakes as he eats a-swimmin' in treacle as they laps up like insultin Merrykin Citizens. gravy with their knives, and 'is lazy beast of a wife as is as fat as So I
says, "You little dirty Datch umbug, you shet up your talk.” butter a-layin' in bed and eatin' twice as much as 'er 'usband with
Well he was a little bit on and was a-bein' that insultin' when everything a-swimmin' in grease as must be bad for anyone as is bilious. MRS. SKIDMORE she says, “Now if you can't keep your head shet,
Certingly a fine bit of roastin' beef, tho' not cut proper, they, sive Mr. FLINTHORN, you'd jest better clear out as aint wanted at 'ome.”
Up comes Mrs. FLINTHORN a-sayin' if he went she'd go too.
"Well,” says Mrs. SKIDMORE, "if you was both to go, I shouldn't miss up with the dinner in their throats, and not a-settin' round the fire much, but p'raps you'll settle for your last week's board afore you goes." comfortable for a-bit of chat, as is a restless lot, and well they mayn't That little Dutch feller he capered about the room for rage, and jest drink nothing with their meals for they goes a-drinkin' without end then in come M23. SKIDMORE's two brothers, as is in the public line, at them bars, and will come 'ome that gone in liquor by six in the but calls theirselves a liquor store, and I should say 'ad 'ad their ovenin', as set up in their chairs they cannot, and bel is the best place whack, as the saying is. They asks what were the matter. I didn't for 'em, tho' not sich a wretch as that Mr. Miles as has the opposite say nothink, but Mrs. Skidmore she said
as she didn't want no Dutch room to us, and comes 'ome a-reelin' the old year out and the new year in, as the sayin' is, and turned 'is poor wife out of 'er bed on to 'ern didn't take and turn 'im out then and there.
men a-stoppin' at 'one New Year's Day; and if them two brothers of the landin' with the door locked a-shiverin' to death and 'im a swearin'
He screamed and clawed like a cat, but they 'ad 'im out, but he went as he'd 'ave 'er life, thro' delirous trimmings, tho' not a bad 'usband and sneaked in agin at the basement door, but never showed 'is face when sober, but whatever is diamond ear-rings when in your grave, no more, but went to 'is bed-room along with 'is wife, and jest in as she will be; and then to be a-receivin', as they calls it, New Year's time, for I'm sure he was werry far gone in liquor, and she'd took too Day, as is downright rubbish all dressed out like ball-rooms, a-swimmin' much. in 'ot whiskey punch, with a low dress and short sleeves, with the We had a snack of dinner like off that there table, and the people butcher and the milk-man a-comin' in quite on the same footin', and a
as come in was dewouring locusts for appetites as Tog'lar stuffed up turnin' the place into a public 'ouse with their beastly muddy boots everythink, and kep a-drinkin' till two of them Jiinmy Johns of all over
the carpets, as I says to Mus. Skidmore, as were that grand, whiskey, as they calls 'em, was emptied in no time, with a wreath of roses round 'er 'ead, by nine in the mornin', as 'ad I don't think as ever I were more tired of wishin' 'Appy New Years, 'urried thro'
breakfast, and 'ad a table set out in the back parlour; with takin' a drop of somethink, and my 'ead was gettin' quite conwith cold 'am and pies and a turkey and chickens and cakes of all fused, when in come a party in the name of Macartay, as begun sort, with jellies and sweets, and lots of wine and whiskey with lemons a-talkin' politics, as is a thing as I can't abear, partickler in them as for punch, and almonds and raisins. I never see sich a spread in my 'ave been takin' a drop. life, except Miss WITTLES' weddin', and Mrs. SKIDMORB she says to Well, if he didn't set down oppersite me and keep on a-larfin', and me over night, “ You'll be dressed to morrer in good time, Was. Brown, said I was a reglar old Britisher. I says, " In course I am, as is my for to 'elp me receive ?"
nature to." “Well,” I says, " that depends on what you're a-goin' to receive, as I hopes may be what you're truly thankful for."
He says, "Ain't you glad to be out of that busted up, rotten old
place ?” I says, " What are you a-illudin' to ?” a-thinking, naturally, “ "Oh,” she says, “all my gentlemen friends will come and see me, and SKIDMORE he'll go round for to pay calls."
as he were a-speakin' of my 'ome, as though not a new 'ouse, ain't
by no means rotten. “Why,” be says, “that 'ere old England ?” So I says, “Oh, indeed."
“Oh!" I says, “I'm a-goin' back as it's quite good enough for me." She says, “Won't your good gentleman go round along with SRIDMORE?” as I said I would mention to Brown, as reg'lar snapped my old blatheread.”
“Well," he says, “I should say it were, as looks like a prejediced nose off in a instant, a-asking me if I took 'im for a darned fool, as is “Now," I says, “you've been a-drinkin' so I don't take no notics of 'Merrykin for bad langwidge, as he've picked up werry quick. your words, but you're gross insultin,'” and I was a-goin' out of the
So I says to 'im, “Mr. Brown," I says, “if all as you've learnt from room, but he jumps up and says, “Don't go," and ketched 'old on me, being with foreigners is their low-lived ways, I don't want to talk to “ Now," I says, “paws off, and let me go out of the room.” “No," you," and did not say another syllabus to 'in on the subjec'.
he says, “stop and take a friendly glass." Of all the days as ever come from the 'eving it were that New Year's
I says, “I don't want no more, and I'm sure you don't.” If the
I give 'im a wiolent shove, and away he went slap on to the table
where the wittles was, and knocked it over with a crash as were that busy over some steam-engine. So after breakfast was over I took and tremendous as it brought the neighbours in a-thinkin' as the 'ouse 'ad dressed myself elegant as is a blue barege, with a 'andsome lace collar, fell. I was that dreadful terrified as I took to my 'eels, a-meanin' to go and my cap trimmed with scarlet, as looks warm for the time of year. upstairs, but in my confusion opened the back door as goes into the But law bless you, I was knocked silly when I see Mrs. SKIDMORE's gardin with a high dight of steps as I slipped down like lightning. I two cousins as 'ad come to 'elp 'er with her company as was dressed screamed murder and they all come a-rushin' out and come down the to death, as the sayin' is, with hamber silks and bugles round the whole lot on 'em, and it's a mercy as I were not-smashed Alat, as no bottom, and long trains, and one on 'em in sky-blue, with a squint, doubt I should 'ave been but for the snow as were that deep as made and 'er arm in a sling thro' pitchin' down the sloop, as is what they calls the steps, and well she might, with everything froze as slippy as
a soft bed for me but worry nigh give me my death, thro' bein' that
penetratin' as obligated to go to bed I were, but heard say as people glass, and no keepin' your feet, and not the presence of mind for to kep a-comin' to call till near two in the mornin', and I'm sure it's lucky throw down no ashes.
as new year only comes once a year or ruin must be the consequencies, Well, they was all that dressed, as I didn't feel nowheres, and there for them 'Merrykins would eat one another up. Thank goodness, Joe was Mrs. Flintorn, as is of the Dutch persuasion, as boards along with and 'is family is a-comin' at last, or else I do believe as I must go Mrs. SKIDMORE, too, along with 'er 'usband, as in my opinion is a 'Ebrer 'ome if I 'ad to walk there. Jew, and 'is third wife, as I've 'eard a many things about, as the last didn't come by 'er end thro' fair play, and married this one within three months, as is only nineteen, and no doubt glad too for to make a match, as got 'er livin' a-gummin' up pocket-books, and gives herself
A COBBE-NUT.—" Ireland for the Irish."
HARD TO ORACK.
The monster's salient points to sum,
His heavy breath was portery ; His glowing nose suggested rum;
His eyes were gin-and-wortery. His dress was torn—for dregs of ale
And slops of gin had rusted it; His pimpled face was wan and pale,
Where filth had not encrusted it. “Come, POLTER," said the fiend, " begin,
And keep the bowl a-flowing onA working-man needs pints of gin
To keep his clockwork going on.” Bob shuddered : “All, you've made a miss,
If you take me for one of youYou filthy beast, get out of this,
Bob POLTER don't wan't none of you!” The demon gave a drunken shriek
And crept away in stealthiness, And lo, instead, a person sleek
Who seemed to burst with healthiness!
At times he'd pass with
other men A loud convivial night or
two, With very likely, now and then,
On Saturdays a fight or two. But still he was a sober soul,
A labour-never-shirking man, Who paid his way—upon the whole
A decent English working-man. One day, when at the Nelson's Head,
(For which he may be blamed of you) A holy man appeared and said,
“Oh, ROBERT, I'm ashamed of you."
He laid his hand upon his beer
Before he could drink up any,
He poured the pot of “thruppenny." “Oh, ROBERT, at this very bar,
A truth you'll be discovering, A good and evil genius are
Around your noddle hovering. “They both are here to bid you shun
The other one's society, For Total Abstinence is one,
The other, Inebriety!" He waved his hand—a vapour came
A wizard POLTER reckoned him : A bogy rose and called his name,
And with his finger beckoned him.
“In me, as your adviser hints,
Of Abstinence you've got a typeOf MR. TWEEDIB's pretty prints
I am the happy prototype. “If you abjure the social toast,
And pipes, and such frivolities, You possibly some day may boast
My prepossessing qualities !” Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink,
“You almost make me tremble, you! If I abjure fermented drink,
Shall I, indeed, resemble you ? “And will my whiskers curl so tight ?
My cheeks grow smug and muttony ? My face become so red and white ?
My coat so blue and buttony ?
Extremities inferior ?
All over my exterior ?
To work in heavy boots I comes, Will pumps benceforward decorate
My tiddle toddle tootsicums ? .
And look no longer seedily?
So tightly and so TWEEDIE-ly?"
The phantom said, “You'll have all this,
“Nimium ne crede."
SPRING is coming! It uncloses “ Be off,” said irritated Bob,
Tiny leaves on all the roses !
Snowdrop, hyacinth, and crocus
An inquiring eye can focus!
Nature says that Spring is coming,
And the bees will soon be humming!
Spring is coming! By degrees
Rise the rows of early peas !
Spring is coming, sure and steady-
Nature says that Spring's approaching,
On the Winter's steps encroaching!
Spring is coming! Elm and chestnutcountered by the gallant “liner" who hunts up terrifically conila
Horse-, of course, and not the best nut
Put forth buds; and larches slender grational, violently burglarious, and mysteriously disapparitionary intelligence. In an account of the fire at Charing Cross Railway
Wear a green that's fresh and tender!
Nature says that Spring is nearing, Station we read, "To get anything like informition, the representative
Soon the cuckoo you'll be hearing! of the papers had to fight his way the best he coull past mounted police officers armed with revolvers and cutlasses.” Against such
Spring is coming! From their sleeping fearful odds have our intrepid reporters to do battle! Myrmidons of
Beds the tulips now are peeping! MAYNE force trample beneath their chargers' hoofs the brave men
Birds are singing, blithely winging, whose only weapon is the stylus, and whose only shield is the
'Mid tho swinging branches clinging! manifold case; and, from the 'vantage of the saddle, the pistol is
Nature says that Spring is near uspointed and the cutlass is thrust against the meritorious gentleman
That's a prospect which should cheer us! connected with the press. Who shall henceforth be too hard upon the writers of imperfect and inaccurate descriptions of current events ?
Spring is coming! But her pleasing Gashed with cold steel, and riddled with bullets of lead, the repre
Promises may end in freezing ! sentative of the papers " fights unequally as he takes his notes ; "and
All the buds and blooms are lost, if he fall he falls in Glory's whack.”
May or April bringing frost.
Nature cries that Spring is coming,
But experience says she's humming.
A CONTEMPORARY states that “MR. RENDBL, Consulting engineer of or “Foul Play-Chicken Hazard
or Why don't I expect to be paid the East Indian Railway Company, has left for Calcutta, with the view for
my contributions to your esteemed journal? Because I write for of throwing a bridge over the Hoogly.” We hope, if he does throw Fun. We have often wished we could find some means of diverting a bridge over the river, that the poople of Calcutta will be prepared to this flow of originality into some other channel, for we are wearied of catch it, or it might be a more Hoogly business than it looks at first the labour of opening and reading such communications.
Thank sight. goodness, the editor of the Atheneum, with his well-known kindliness and courtesy, has come to the rescue. Read, oh inventors of new
Answers to Correspondents. riddles as old as ADAM, and of fresh jokes chat JOB MILLER heard in his cradle, read this paragraph, and henceforta direct your flashes of genius to the office of the Athenum :
(We can take no notice of crimmunications voith illegible signatures or "We have had sent to us a ridille which we do not remember to have heard
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return wnaccepted b88. before. If it be new, it is strange that it is not ald; if it be old, it is strange that it should not be always new. The problern is-- My first, when be makes my second,
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; calls himself my whole;' and the solution is-Patriot."
but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do we kold
CLAUDE.-Not up to the scratch.
Ghost (Bridgwater). It is scarcely re-spectre-ble to send us that veteran Has the attention of the "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
joke about“ open to convietion.” Animals” been drawn to Donnington Park lately? We see an account
We wish the author of “Ireland's Wrongs "could write, because then
we might read. of a fète recently given there, at which upwards of four hundred people E. T. G. says, “ Below you will notice a joke, which," etc. He is right; were present in a hall decorated with trees and fountains, and about the joke" is beneath notice. five hundred Chinese lanterns. One of the features of the evening J. F. S.-For the three thousandth 'time, we don't want acrostics ! was that “ birds were flying about the hall." It is not stated that PHYTZ J. W.-Waste paper basket, ages ago.. they were afterwards served up for supper, but there is scarcely room L. A. W. (Kew.)-Tout spells “ lawq," which, though it may not be to doubt that some of the poor frightened creatures roasted themselves orthographically the thing, expresses our sentiments to a nicety. in the “ extra lamps" of the gay scene. In our humble opinion the
ONB IN Doubt.-Concerning " apophthegm” or “ ápothegm," the muse terror and pain inflicted on the poor little birds " beat cock-fighting" bath it thus, oracularly ::.-though that may not be the opinion at Dunnington Park.
Some people decide and we dare not to scuft them
While others and “Ditto say we to each chap o' them-
Declare toey are right in pronouncing it" àpothegu."
VERATI8.-“ ARTHUR SKETCHLEY," of course.
"A CONSTANT SUBSCRIBER" describes himself erroneously-a real Upon his arbitration plan
constant subscriber" would know better ihan to send the head-scenter About the Alaburm claiin,
jotte, after all we have said on that head. John Buil, who saw the little game,
M. P. C. (Bow). - The new series of Fun commenced 20th May, 1865, When JONATHAN would have him grant
und all numbers are obtainable through a boukseller or from the office. Declined with thanks
:. O'S.; Skyblue; M.D., Surbiton; W.O.S., Some compensation, said, "I can't."
Kingsland; E. H., Paternoster-row; s H. C., Dublin ; H. E. A.; P. J., But, oh, when BROTHER JONATHAN
Westminster; E. *. Y.; W. F. R.; Kentish town; H. C., Wallingford ; To try another tack hegan,
K. R.; G. T. T.; H. H. C.; T. S. D.; Juhthyosaurus Megatherium ;
A. F. 3, Brighton; Pat Flinn; Shawlunds; H. G, Liverpool; S. X.; Began to bluster, “ Pon my life !"
W. P., Winchester; H. L., Kensington; c. C., Esher; Leo; H, N., And finger at his bowie-knift,
Kew; F. E. W.; B. T., Stöckport; R. C. T., Portswoodi E. H., Islinga JOY Birl, wbum bullies cannot deunt,
toa; 'J. S., W shaw; '
Obalaist 19; J. B. Farringdon-road; F. H., Refind with prompt doc.sion," Shan't!'
milles-road; Nemesis; Peter Parleg; 3. V. D., Scuth wark-bridge.
neither. There's some other “young person" at the next establishment I WONDER whether those fine ladies have any idea that I'm made of that'll have to stand dummy and listen to their impudence; but she's flesh and blood like themselves, and that I haven't had any dinner, and better off than me, because she'll have had her dinner unless she's only that I've been standing here ever since I walked through the rain just getting rid of a couple more minxes at this very moment. How from Walworth this morning at half-past seven, and that we're the boiled legs of mutton do smell all over this house! I wonder the only allowed twenty minutes for dinner, and that the cook isn't ex
customers don't complain of it. Everybody seems to be reekingpected to keep anything hot for us, and that I'd rather go without positively reeking—with turnips and fat and gravy and suet pudding. than eat raw mutton near the bone
and half-chilled fat, and that I I wonder how human beings can be so coarse in their eating. I'm could almost drop down where I stand for faintness ?
past anything but a bit of bread-and-butter now. I wonder whether I wonder what they'd think if I did drop down with a flop while these are going home to chicken and dry sherry and jelly and ratafias M188 FORTYSKEWER was chattering on about the mantle that I'm to and champagne and tongue and sardines ? I wonder how it would play dummy to for the purpose of showing off? Just as if either of feel to change places with 'em for a day or two, and let them come those minxes could ever look well in it, or had any figure that wasn't here and me come and look at 'em and turn 'em round and talk as principally wadding and horsebair. I wonder whether there's any of though they were really what they are-dummies made of wadding the suet-pudding left? I wonder whether they'll buy this velvet and busks and wire and horsehair and parchment and quilted jean? thing or a silk thing, or a shawl after all? I should like to see the That would be great fun. Who knows, though, whether even a young ugly one in a shawl, 80 I should M188 FORTY8KBWER. I wonder what persons" mayn't have a turn some day? I read in the penny paper only EMMA SNIPPET has quarrelled with me for ever since I showed her the the other day that Mr. Mills had actually been trying to give votes to letter signed “ EUGENIO” that came in with the twopenn'orth of seed- ladies in the Houses of Parliament. I don't think it was like his usual cake that I sent the errand-boy for to the pastrycook's round the style, though, to call ladies " female persons.” I wonder if it's what they corner ? I wonder whether he wrote it, and who he is, and whether it call Parliamentary language ? I've read MR. Mills's books—at least, really was meant for Emma SNIPPET, and what's the use if it is, or what one of 'em. Ho's a great philosopher. The one I read was called “Proit matters if it isn't? I wonder whether that woman's busband is a
verbial Philosophy.' It's upstairs somewhere now. Emma SNIPPET Member of Parliament? If he is, how she must nag at him when he bought it second-hand from a circulating library, and to read the recomes home as I'm told they do, ever so late? I wonder
whether it's marks made on the edges of the leaves in pencil is like—well, I wonder true that we shall come under a new Act of Parliament or something what it is like? Heavenly! Oh! Ah! I thought so; it's nearly luncheon to stop people making women and children work overtime? I wonder time, Ma'am, is it? And you'll look in again when you have decided, whether they'd call us women or young ladies? I wonder whether will you ? You nasty, disagreeable cat! Oh, pray don't mention that, we're young persons in Acts of Parliament, because if we are, they may Madam; I assure you I consider it no trouble. Well, I'm sorry I've keep their laws to themselves. It's bad enough to be always spoken thought so badly of you, after all, for it's precious seldom we get even of as "young persons” by the minxes that come here to see how a any thanks, let alone an apology. now mantle will become them, by fancying it will be all the same if it
I wonder whether there's a fresh cheese in cut? I think I could becomes me! Young persons! Why, even the poor girls that go out to eat a bit of that, especially if I could get Cook to give me a little drop work at dressmaking at a shilling a day and their meals can be called of beer. “young persons ": there's nothing worse to throw at them. Not that they're so badly off, after all; for they do get their meals, I suppose. NOTICE.-Fun may be obtained in Paris every Wednesday of MESSRS. What are they about, I wonder? Do they think I don't know them ? They're undecided which to have. Then I've wasted my time for WILLING AND CO., 25, Rue de la Michodière, and of M. N. Balnothing, for they'll go away to make up their minds and will have LINGEK, 212, Rue de Rivoli,
Printed by JUDD & GLAS8, Phænis Works, 8. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.
London : February 29, 1868.