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The monster's salient points to sam,
His heavy breath was portery ; His glowing nose suggested rum;
His eyes were gin-and-wortery. His dress was torn—for dregs of ale
And slops of gin had rusted it; His pimpled face was wan and pale,
Where filth had not encrusted it. “Come, POLTER," said the fiend," begin,
And keep the bowl a-flowing onA working-man needs pints of gin
To keep his clockwork going on." Bob shuddered : “Ali, you've made a miss,
If you take me for one of you, You filthy beast, get out of this
BOB POLTER don't wan't none of you!" The demon gave a drunken shriek
And crept away in stealthiness, And lo, instead, a person sleek
Who seemed to burst with healthiness!
At times he'd pass with
other men A loud convivial night or
two, With very likely, now and then,
On Saturdays a fight or two. But still he was a sober soul,
A labour-never-shirking man, Who paid his way-upon the whole
A decent English working-man. One day, when at the Nelson's Head,
(For which he may be blamed of you) A holy man appeared and said,
“Oh, ROBERT, I'm ashamed of you."
He laid his hand upon his beer
Before he could drink up any,
He poured the pot of "thruppenny." “Oh, ROBERT, at this very bar,
A truth you'll be discovering, A good and evil genius are
Around your noddle hovering. “ They both are here to bid you shun
The other one's society, For Total Abstinence is one,
The other, Inebriety!" He waved his hand—a vapour came
A wizard POLTER reckoned him: A bogy rose and called his name,
And with his finger beckoned him.
“In me, as your adviser hints,
Of Abstinence you've got a typeOf Mr. Tweedie's pretty prints
I am the happy prototype. “ If you abjure the social toast,
And pipes, and such frivolities, You possibly some day may boast
My prepossessing qualities!” Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink,
“You almost make me tremble, you! If I abjare fermented drink,
Shall I, indeed, resemble you? “And will my whiskers curl so tight?
My cheeks grow smug and muttony ? My face become so red and white ?
My coat so blue and buttony ?
Extremities inferior ?
All over my exterior ?
To work in heavy boots I comes, Will pumps henceforward decorate
My tiddle toddle tootsicums ?
And look no longer seedily?
So tightly and so TWEEDIE-ly?"
The phantom said, “ You'll have all this,
“Nimium ne crede.”
SPRING is coming! It uncloses “ Be off,” said irritated Bob,
Tiny leaves on all the roses !
Snowdrop, hyacinth, and crocus
An inquiring eye can focus !
Nature says that Spring is coming,
And the bees will soon be humming!
Spring is coming! By degrees
Rise the rows of early peas !
Spring is coming, sure and steady-
Slugs and snails have come already!
Natúre says that Spring's approaching,
On the Winter's steps encroaching!
Spring is coming! Elm and chestnutcountered by the gallant “liner" who hunts up terrifically conila
Horse-, of course, and not the best nut
Pat forth buds; and larches slender grational, violently burglarious, and mysteriously disapparitionary
Wear a green that's fresh and tender! intelligence. In an account of the fire at Charing Cross Railway
Nature says that Spring is nearing, Station we read, "To get anything like information, the representative
Soon the cuckoo you'll be hearing! of the papers had to ight his way the best he couli past mounted police officers armed with revolvers and cutlasses.” Against such
Spring is coming! From their sleeping fearful odds have our intrepid reporters to do battle! Myrmidons of
Beds the tulips now are peeping! MAYNE force trample beneath their chargers' hoofs the brave men
Birds are singing, blithely winging, whose only weapon is the stylus, and whose only shield is the
'Mid tho swinging branches clinging! manifold case; and, from the 'vantage of the saddle, the pistol is
Nature says that Spring is near uspointed and the cutlass is thrust against the meritorious gentleman
That's a prospect which should cheer us! connected with the press. Who shall henceforth be too hard upon the writers of imperfect and inaccurate descriptions of current events ?
Spring is coming! But her pleasing Gashed with cold steel, and riddled with bullets of lead, the “repre
Promises may end in freezing ! sentative of the papers " fights unequally as he takes his notes ; "and
All the buds and blooms are lost, if he fall he falls in Glory's whack.”
May or April bringing frost.
Nature cries that Spring is coming,'
But experience says she's humming.
A CONTEMPORARY states that “MR. RENDBL, Consulting engineer of or “ Foul Play-Chicken Hazard” or “Why don't I expect to be paid of throwing a bridge over the Hoogly.” We hope, if he does there to
the East Indian Railway Company, has left for Calcutta, with the view for
We have often wished we could find some means of diverting a bridge over the river, that the people of Calcutta will be prepared to this flow of originality into some other channel, for we are wearied of catch it, or it might be a more Hoogly business than it looks at first the labour of opening and reading such communications. Thank sight. goodness, the editor of the Atheneum, with his well-known kindliness and courtesy, has come to the rescue. Read, oh inventots of new
Answers to Correspondents. riddles as old as ADAM, and of fresh jokes that Joe MILLER heard in his cradle, read this paragraph, and henceforth direct your flashes of genius to the office of the Atheneum :
We can take no notice of communications with stegidio signatures or
monograns. Correspondents will do well to send their real names whid “We have had sent to us a ridille which we do not remember to have heard before. If it be new, it is strange that it is not ald; ir it be old, it is strange that
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return wnaocepted b'88. it should not be always new. The problem is— My first, when be makes my second,
or Sketches, unless they ard accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; calls himself my whole;' and the solution is-Patriot.
but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do ide kold
CLAUDE.- Not up to the scratch.
is boardely re-spectre-ble to send us that veteran joke about“ open to convietion.”
We wish the author of "Ireland's Wrongs" could write, because then Animals” been drawn to Donnington Park lately? We see an account
we might read. of a fète recently given there, at which upwards of four hundred people were present in a hall decorated with trees and fountains, and about the "joke" is beneath notice.
E. T. G. says, “ Below you will notice a joke, which," etc. He is right; five hundred Chinese lanterns. One of the features of the evening J. F. S.-For the three thousan'ath'time, we don't want acrostics!' was that “ birds were lying about the hall.”. It is not 'stated that
Prytz J. W.-Waste paper basket, ages ago they were afterwards served up for shipper, but there is scarcely room L. A. W. (Kew.)-Thut spells" la wq," which, though it may not be to doubt that some of the poor Prightened creatures roasted themselves orthographically the thing, expresses our sentiments to a nicety. in the “ extra lamps" of the gay scene. In our humble opinion the
ONE IN DOUBT.-Concerning “ apophthegma" or "ápothegn," tho muso terror and pain inflicted on the poor Sittle birds" beat cock-fighting"
hath it thus, oracularly:—though that may not be the opinion at Donnington Park.
Some people decide--and we dare not to scoff them-
While others and “Ditto " say we to each chap o' them
Declare they are right in pronouncing it" àpothegua.”
VERATIS.--"'ARTHUR SKETCHLEY," of course.
"A CONSTANT SUBSCRIBER" describes himself erroneously-a' real Upon his arbitration plan
constant subscriber” wuld know better than to send the head-scenter About the Alubain claiin,
joke, after all we have said on' that head, John Buil, who saw the little game,
M. P. C. (Bow).- The new series of Fun commenced 20th May, 1865, When JONATHAN would have him grant
und all numbers are obtainable through a bookseller or from tho uffice.
Declined with thanks:-M. O'S.; Skyblue; M.D., Surbiton; W.O.S., Some compensation, said, “I can't.'
Kingsland ; E. H., Paternoster-Tow; $. 1. C., Dublia; H. E. A.; P. J., But, oh, when BROTHER JONATHAN
Westminster; E. Š. Y.; W. F. 2. Kentish town; A. O., Wallingford; To try another tack began,
K. R.; G. T. T.; H. H. C.; T. S. D.; Iubthyosaurus Megatherium ;
A. F. 3.. Brighton; Pat Flinn; Shawlands; . G, Liverpool; S. X.; Began to bluster, "'Pon my life!”
W.F., Winchester H. L., Kensington; c. C., Esher; Leo; J. N., And finger at his bowie-knife,
Kew; F. E. W.; B. T., Stockport; R. C. T., Portswoodí E. i., IslingJohs Burl, whom bullies cannot daunt,
toa; 'J, S., W shaw; 'Osboluistano; J. 3. Farringdon-road; F. H., hered wito prompt decision, "Shan't!"
villes-road; Nemesis; Peter Parley; B. V.D., Scuth wark-bridge.
neither. There's some other "young person" at the next establishment I WONDER whether those fine ladies have any idea that I'm made of that'll have to stand dummy and listen to their impudence; but she's flesh and blood like themselves, and that I haven't had any dinner, and better off than me, because she'll have had her dinner unless she's only that I've been standing here ever since I walked through the rain just getting rid of a couple more minxes at this very moment. How from Walworth this morning at half-past seven, and that we're the boiled legs of mutton do smell all over this house! I wonder the only allowed twenty minutes for dinner, and that the cook isn't ex
customers don't complain of it. Everybody seems to be reekingpected to keep anything hot for us, and that I'd rather go without positively reeking—with turnips and fat and gravy and suet pudding. than eat raw mutton near the bone and half-chilled fat, and that I I wonder how human beings can be so coarse in their eating. I'm could almost drop down where I stand for faintness ?
past anything but a bit of bread-and-butter now.
I wonder whether I wonder what they'd think if I did drop down with a flop while these are going home to chicken and dry sherry and jelly and ratafias M188 FORTYSKEWER was chattering on about the mantle that I'm to and champagne and tongue and sardines ? I wonder how it would play dummy to for the purpose of showing off? Just as if either of feel to change places with 'em for a day or two, and let them come those minxes could ever look well in it, or had any figure that wasn't here and me come and look at 'em and turn 'em round and talk as principally wadding and horsebair. I wonder whether there's any of though they were really what they are—dummies made of wadding the suet-pudding left ? I wonder whether they'll buy this velvet and busks and wire and horsehair and parchment and quilted jean? thing or a silk thing, or a shawl after all? I should like to see the That would be great fun. Who knows, though, whether even "young ugly one in a shawl,
80 I should M188 FORTYSKBWBR. I wonder what persons" mayn't have a turn some day? I read in the penny paper only EMMA SNIPPET has quarrelled with me for ever since I showed her the the other day that Mr. Mills had actually been trying to give votes to letter signed “EUGENIO" that came in with the twopenn'orth of seed ladies in the Houses of Parliament. I don't think it was like his usual cake that I sent the errand-boy for to the pastrycook's round the style, though, to call ladies“ female persons.” I wonder if it's what they corner ? I wonder whether he wrote it, and who he is, and whether it call Parliamentary language ? I've read MR. Mills's books—at least, really was meant for EMNA SNIPPET, and what's the use if it is, or what one of 'em. He's a great philosopher. The one I read was called “Proit matters if it isn't? I wonder whether that woman's husband is a verbial Philosophy. It's upstairs somewhere now. Emma SNIPPET Member of Parliament ? If he is, how she must nag at him when he bought it second-hand from a circulating library, and to read the recomes home as I'm told they do, ever so late? I wonder whether it's marks made on the edges of the leaves in pencil is like-well, I wonder true that we shall come under a new Act of Parliament or something what it is like ? Heavenly! Oh! Ah! I thought so;
it's nearly luncheon to stop people making women and children work overtime? I wonder time, Ma'am, is it? And you'll look in again when you have decided, whether they'd call us women or young ladies? I wonder whether will you ? You nasty, disagreeable cat! Oh, pray don't mention that, We're young persons in Acts of Parliament, because if we are, they may Madam; I assure you I consider it no trouble. Well, I'm sorry I've keep their laws to themselves. It's bad enough to be always spoken thought so badly of you, after all, for it's precious seldom we get even of as "young persons” by the minxes that come here to see how a any thanks, let alone an apology. now mantle will become them, by fancying it will be all the same if it
I wonder whether there's a fresh cheese in cut? I think I could becomes me!
Young persons ! Why, even the poor girls that go out to eat a bit of that, especially if I could get Cook to give me a little drop work at dressmaking at a shilling a day and their meals can be called of beer. "young persons": there's nothing worse to throw at them. Not that they're so badly off, after all; for they do get their meals, I suppose. NOTICE.–Fux may be obtained in Paris every Wednesday of Messrs. What are they abont, I wonder? Do they think I don't know them? They're undecided which to have. Then I've wasted my time for WILLING AND Co., 25, Rue de la Michodière, and of M. N. Balnothing, for they'll go away to make up their minds and will have LINGEK, 212, Rue de Rivoli,
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænis Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.
London : February 29, 1868.
MARCH 7, 1868.]
SCENE 2.-Doris Quinhault's saloon. Narcisse discoveret smashing
DORI8.—Narcisse, you shouldn't smash my crockery.
NARCISSE.-Jeanne Poisson, the butcher's daughter, where art thou ! MARQUISE.— The Pompadour fainted yesterday at the sight of a
[Faints. ragged man, and exclaimed “Narcisse !" (Irritated.) That woman is Doris.—This young man is clearly off his head. the curse of France ! Enter Baron D'HOLBACH, DORIS QUINAULT (an actress), and GUESTS. ACT III.- The Lace Gallery at Versailles. Arrangements for an amateur CHORUS OP GUESTS.—“Oh, isn't be a Holbach !"
performance. Everybody sitting at the sides where they can't Baron. I am an Encyclopædist, with a theoretical taste for repartee. possibly see anything. The PUMPEYDOOR also in a brd seat, con. (Aside.) By the bye, would it be a good thing to say that this is & sidering her haughty disposition, and the fact that she has to pay small toa (re)partee," or a "small repartoe-party”? No, perhaps
for it all. not. (Struck by a bright idea.) Doris, act to us!
LA POMPADOUR.- Begin ! DORIS.–Nay; but I will tell you an anecdote. Listen. A soody
Curtain rises and discovers an Eastern Palace.
Enter Doris QUINAULT on stage, meeting NARCI88E.
LA POMPADOUR.-Narcisse! Narcisse !
[NARCISSE leaps from stage and catches her in his arms. amuse you-shall I bring him in? See, there he stands.
NARCISSE.—My wife ! MARQUI8R.-—It is the ragged chap who caused the Pompadour to
All. This is the Pumpoydoor ! faint.
NARCI88E.— The Pompadour ! DoRis.—It is the seedy man who told me I did not act well!
LA POMPADOUR.–Yes! I love you still ! I have only married ALL.-Admit him!
about fifteen people since I had the pleasure of marrying you, and I Enter NARCI88E.
don't care for them now; I don't indeed. I love you only; and now NARCI88B.— Good evening. I am remarkable for my powers of that we are re-united, we will live together as happily as two dear repartee. Marquis, you're a fool. D'Holbach, your an 488. Diderot, little dicky-birds ! Won't we dear ? you're a cad.
NARCISSB (furiously). -Back! Bad woman ! Go! Curses on you !
Ha! ha! ha!
LA POMPADOUR.—My husband curse me? Oh, what have I donoLogic-major, minor, and conclusion--Ha! ha! ha!
what have I done to deserve it DIDEROT. -The koave hath learning!
[At this moment a lady of the Court recognises a comic friend in the stalls D'HOLBACH.-Truly, a rare scholar!
and nods to him. She then tells her companion all about him, and the NARCISSE.-A rare scholar! Ha! ha! That's more than any of companion nods, and whispers to her next door neighbour, who quite appreciates you are! (A1 wince audibly.) Hullo ! old cockywax! (To D'HOLBACH, the joke and passes it round until the Court is in convulsions. D'HOLBACH.-Oh, for the ability to meet this satirical scoundrel LA POMPADOUR.—I die-I die !
[Dies. with his own weapons! I will away, and study the art of repartee. NARCIASB.—She is dead ! DORIS (aside).- If I could only get him to play in the piece we are
CURTAIN. going to represent before the Pompadour, the sight of him might kill her. It is a bright idea. I will secure him.
OURSELVES.-A very prosy piece_twice as long as it need be. MR. (Collars NARÇIBSE, and walks off with him. BANDMANN is an excellent actor. His delivery is admirable, and he
steadily resists every temptation to indulge in rant and conventional SCENE 2.- Cabinet of the Duc de Choiseul.
declamation. The other characters are faintly sketched, and, except in Enter the Comte DU BARRI, meeting the Duc DE CHOIABUL
the cases of the three ladies, faintly acted. Do BARRI.—Duke, I have a revelenta-I mean a revelation-to make to you. Narcisse has some mysterious effect on the Pompadour.
Hitting the Right Nail on the Head. We will bring him once more before her, and the consequences may be fatal to her.
It is easy to find the cause of the sore discouragement the Turf has DUXE.-Sir, you're a wily scoundrel.
sustained in the retirement of the DUKE OF BEAUFORT. Some of his Do BARRI. — Abuse from Sir Hubert Stanley!
Grace's horses-notably Vauban, the Two Thousand Guineas hero, [Twenty minutes' more repartee-then exeunt
and Ceylon, winner of the Grand Prize of Paris—have proved them.
solves such veritable “nailers," that it is only natural they should SCENE 3.-The Actress's Boudoir.
come to the “hammer." Enter NARCIBBB. NAROISSE.—The young woman who walked off with me last night
Answers to Correspondents. has kept me a close prisoner-Ha! She comes ! Enter DORIS,
[We can take no notios of communications with illegible signatures or Doris.—Narcisse, I want your life!
monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted M88. NARCI88E.—Would you murder me?
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed Doris.—No,
no-you don't understand me I want your biography. Inoelope ; but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding thom, nor do NARCI88E.—You shall have it. My wife bolted from me some years we hold ourselves responsible for loss.] since. I have not seen her since, although I have wandered about ever
SNIP AND DODABR.–We do not want acrostics. since in search of her. By the way, I loathe the Pompadour. She is PLYMOUTH.-We have to thank a correspondent for pointing out that the curse of France.
the “coat and breeches" paragraph we quoted last week was from the DORIS.—It is to pay her out that I have secured you at the Quoon's Western Daily Mercury, not the Morning Neros. request !
G. S. (Norfolk-road.) - Your contribution is not accompanied by a stamped ACT II.-Gallery of Mirrors at Versailles.
and directed envelope-and our rules make no exception.
S. OLDAGIN.---Try Act V. Soeno 1.
TRADESMAN.-Thank you; the error to which you draw attention was LA POMPADOUR.-I am evidently not popular with the people. They rather a blunder than what you call a “premature oversight"-whatever hiss and hoot at me, because—ha! ha!--I am the King's mistress! that may be.
CHELSEA talks such notice that we fiel sure he writes from cracked Even the Queen is jealous of me! But I could forgive them all this if people wouldn't persist in calling me the “Pumpeydoor.” They
Cheyne-row. have been put up to it, I suppose, by Chevalier Grimm, in revenge for my
F. F. P. (Clapham-road.)– Thanks. Under consideration.
Declined with thanks:-F. G. O.; W. A., Bow-road ; J. B.; Tomogoinciting people to call him the Chevall-ier. But it is hard-very hard ! nops ; A. E. B.; C. H., Manchester; J. B. T., Brixton ; W. A.; T. S., Enter the DUO DE CHOISRUL.
Notting-bill; K.; A Constant Reader, Doctors' Commons; J. L., Ayr; LA POMPADOUR.–De Choiseul, I have just seen my first husband, Liverpool; T. W. J., South Belgravia, Kingston Trio; C. s. G., Finchley;
G. B., Cheapside ; s. X.; E. D. S., Lymington; 0. W., Ramsgate: J. C., Narcisse. I feel I love him, and I want to go and live with him once A Flly froe Wiggin; J.B. Riamon; W. B.; D. A. P., Taunton; J. š., more!
Newcastle; G. P., Marylebone-road; P. T., Dublin; A. W. G.; D. LunaDokl.-Indeed! Then let no word of love ever pass between us. tico; Morality; B. D. Stoke Newington ; G. P., Brighton; E. F., Surbi. We are from this moment Mistress and Minister.
ton; Skyblue; A. J.P., Bradford; F. R. 8. C.; A.P., Glasgow; Tit.
They searched all this behind,
MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
FROM OUR STALL.
ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 60.
Oriana А at Drury Lane must be anything but
N Nun challenge at Conscience, as at an
Smoda; Sarah; To-wbit ; Robinson Crusoe.
A Bit of Rail-lery.
SOME people have the detestable habit of carrying most arduous on the English stage. MR.
“the shop" with them, go where they will. We notice, SULLIVAN fully indicates, in the later scenes of the play, the chivalrous side of the for instance, that Dipwick, the tallow chandler comes up character; in the earlier ones he scarcely throws malignity enough into the horrify- to business every morning from his suburban villa in a ing sarcasms of Glo'ster. The Duke values his tongue almost as highly as his sword;
"composito" carriage. ho should revel in every stroke it makes with a tiendish exultation. In his courting of Lady Ance MR. SULLIVAN is very satisfactory-smooth, plausible, and sufficiently
An Interesting Observation. impassioned, without being extravagantly 80. Altogether, we are much pleased with his performance of Richard. MR. SINCLAIR makes an efficient, but by no means
A BANKER'S CLERK wishes us to put in a good word extraordinary, Richmond; and Mr. McIntyre plays Buckingham respectably, but for the opening at ten o'clock movement. He remarks, with obvious timidity. Mrs. HBRMANN VEZIN is tender and impressive, but she with truth, that anyone whose business has taken him to makes Elizabeth just a leetle too fond of crying. The revived tragedy is tastefully the Bank of England op "dividend day," must have mounted, and the audience is not kept waiting long between the acts.
noted how carefully Bankers' clerks study the “InAt the Strand, MR. BURNAND's Paris has been brought forward again. MrR8terest” of the public. ADA HARLAND and Miss FANNY GWYNNE have now taken their places in this burlesque, which goes briskly.
Vaux POPULI.-LORD BROUGHAM,