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THE LOBLOLLY LETTERS.
THE HAPPY "VALETI" A DOMESTIC DRAMA SET FORTH IN A FEW FAMILIAR EPISTLES.
(Dedicated to RASSELAS, PRINCE OF ABYSSINIA) [From Miss Julia Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Miss Aminta Jipkittle, Nor. wood.]
My master, MISTER MADDER BROWN,
Is very often out of town, MY DEAR MINTY, -He has gone-I mean that MR. ACIBR—and
And leaves me here with SaLLY. without a word of explanation. And yet he must have known how
At this I don't at all demur, deeply my affections were engaged. It was he, I feel sure, who en.
In fact it pleases me and her, graved J. A. on the cliffs round the corner where I alwnys used to take
And I'm a happy valet ! my tatting. He is a most mysterious being. I am inclined to think he must be a lord in disguise. He had beautiful feet and such rery dainty
When he's away I read his notes, boots, and when I ventured to ask him where he got them he blushed,
And drink his wine, and wear his coats, and said he had reasons for not telling me. He thought I should find
And use his canes and paleout who he is.
Tôts, just as if they were my own, Broadstairs does not seem the same place now he is gone, "80 I am
(Of course I do not wish it known !) happy to say we leave next week, although GEORGB has behaved very
And I'm a happy valet ! well and does not tease me at all. There is nothing doing here now
I empty his tobacco jars, people are going away, and the organs and niggers seem driven here from Ramsgate and Margate because they, too, are deserted—as I feel!
And smoke his pipes and his cigars,
Like old Sir Walter RALEIGH! There's nothing to do here-one can't even buthe, for the bathing is so
Sall's no objection to a “weed" dreadfully indelicate, and the machines are all duwn in a corner of the
She likes the smell of it indeed harbour where all the mud is washed in. William is dreadful! He has taken a mania for aquariums, and
And I'm a happy valet ! smells us out of our small lodgings with basins full of dead prawns and
One night we gave å little ball — shrimps. He went out in a boat the other day to investigate the
It really doesn't do at all theory of every ninth wave being the biggest, but he got too ill to count
To be too shilly-shallyafter the twelfth. I like sailing rather, but the sea is never as smooth
And so we did the thing in style, as it should be for my notion of sailing.
And when I think of it I smile, This is a very wretched letter-but so am I. I actually saw him
And am a happy valet ! coming out of the Tartar Frigate one morning. I don't mean WilLIAM when I say him.
Of course we had the carpets up, I am miserable.-Your affectionate
And, after twelve, in time to sup,
Some ladies of the ballet,
Great friends of ours, camo in and we [From Mr. Caleb Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Mr. Pippings, Oil and Italian
Kept up the fun till half-past three
was a happy valet ! DBAR SIR,- We shall probably return to the bosom of the warehouse
My master's handy with his pen, early next week. I regret to say that per ad vices received from Mrs.
And writes for Papers now and thonL. I fear that your chance of entering into the firm on a matrimonial
E en with the Muso may dallybasis is far from likely to be realised, Miss J. having apparently looked
So, when he is away, I go out a partnership for herself.
And “orders" get-for him, you knowIf I am correct, I omitted to send in the BLENKINSOP's bill. If so,
And I'm a happy valei !
And then we go to theatres-
SALL always comedy prefers ;
She doesn't care for Hallk, [From George Loblolly, Esq., Broadstairs, to Charles Smith, Esq., London.]
Or any classic music-we
In this entirely do agree, Dear CHARLEY,–We are about to turn our steps towards "the only
And I'm a happy valet ! retail emporium for original anchovies." Broadstairs is getting slow, for my little game is played out, and
There's only one event I dread, I've been out fishing for a fortnight and caught nothing but a small
And that is, should my master wed! cod and my foot in a rope, thereby taking an unintentional plunge in
I've thought occasionally, the briny with all my togs on. This has enabled me to supply Wil
That he's in love with somebody! LIAM with a fact in natural philosophy :- viz., you can catch cold from
But whosoever she may be, sea-water-if you are clever enough to think you can't and sit in your
I am a happy valet ! wet clothes. My little scheme has worked well. I think the hanghty Julia will
A letter !-why should master write? learn a lesson. As for that fellow ACIER, he's a scamp, and should
He's married ! coming home to-night! have been handed over to the police. We have police at Broadstairs.
Well, then, I'll marry SALLY! He's only one man, but then he is Number 200, 80 that he is numeri.
Both she and I have saved some "tin," cally something. But, seriously, all is going as I wanted it, and I hope
I'U take a pretty country innafter a week in town to bring my fair cousin to her senses. If so, I'll
And she a happy valet ! marry her and settle Mudie's Library on her, for I feel sure that she won't be injured by romantic novels if her little romance ends as I
Measure for False Measures. expect it to do.
If you see any nice little villas with good large gardens anywhere We have exposed the dishonest practices of the fraudulent grocer, near you, just let me know.-Yours ever,
GEORGE baker, and publican-usquebaugh ad noyeau-soum; and yet here's
another pretty kettle of fish! We quote from the Telegraph of the
30th ultimo :[From Yaster Tommy Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Aunt Loblolly, Little Britain.]
“At the half-yearly petty sessions held recently in the Vestry Hall, Islington, no
fewer than one hundred and six persons were convicted of having in their possession DBAR AUNT,-I hope you are well and that Uncle John is well. We false weights and measures." are all well. Í have a boat and sail it when there is a quiet tide, only as pecuniary punishments are evidently ineffectual in restraining it wiil turn over. I call it the Julia because Cousin Julia is here. these members of the fine-y tribe from their scaly practices, the sooner She gave me sixpence and I bought lollipops and a halfpenny cane. some of the more prominent offenders are made acquainted with the She is sweethearts with a gentleman here and George is so angry: internal measurement of the Governmental stone-jug the better-pour But the sea was very nice this afternoon, and my boat only tumbled encourager les autres. over twice. I have a pair of yellow boots, but I lost one of them the other day because the sea came up and washed it away. Mamma is
Pop Goes the Weasand. going to take us home next week, so hoping you are well as it leaves me at present.-Yours affectionately,
ANALYTICAL chemists assert that sulphuric acid forms a prominent
ingredient in the manufacture of cheap ginger beer. Sad to think of, (To be concluded in our next.)
this !--enough to turn one lem-on-kali.
Tri(angl)ing it on.
PROPEBSOR BENNBTT was perfectly right in introducing the triangle in the orchestral accompaniment to his new work, - The Woman of Samaria,” produced at the Birmingham Festival. A very high authority has stated, “ Who drives fat oxen should himself befat.' Ergo- & piano-fortiori -a triangular iostrument must be the most appropriate medium for tickling the ears of a three-cornered constituency.
Potting the Red.
NOTWITHSTANDING all attempts at eradi. cation, the French or redlegged partridge(Toujours perdrix – Linn.)-has appeared this season
in in. creased numbers, to the annoyance of the sportsman and “bothering" of his dogs. We trust that the term “runners," somewhat thoughtlessly applied to the birds by
Septembrizers," will in do way
disturb the entente cordiale with our sensitive neighbours across
A Word to the
Coast-wise. We note with satisfaction that the citi. zens of Gloucester have presented a lifeboat to the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. Who, we may ask, will be Gloucester's double-or, still better, double Gloucester?- in this instance most decidedly “the checse!” The Secretary of the Institution, at 14, John - street, Adelphi, will, we are sure, gladly receive cheques, bank - notes, * portable property," or postage stampsanything, in short, but Bhares in limited liability companies or railway debenture bonds. “Stand not," then, to quote the immortal bard, “on the P. 0. orders of your sending,” but send at once.
A Yard Measure.
Tre tradespeople on the south side of the water are accused of giving false measures. We have lately been inspectiog some houses erected in that district for occupation by the labouring classes, and we are glad to be able to exonerate the building trade from the charge of short measures. We observed that the yards behind the houses were never more or less than three feet.
(With our compliments to the RIGHT Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE.]— The British Public to the Post Office Savings Bank:
“We are sayin'!”
1. Off St. Paul's, she thinks the sea delightful.
The latest appear. ance of “the Ancient Marryin' 'er," mentioned by COLERIDGE, was at the wedding of Miss May and LORD DECEMBER
A SISTER OP MERCY. -Ann-asthesia.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING ! Dogberry : EARL Ross'LL. 1 Verges : SIR GEORGE GR'Y. 1 Watchmen : By distinguished members of the Liberal party.
Dogberry :-I CANNOT SEE HOW SLEEPING SHOULD OFFEND; ONLY HAVE A CARE YOUR BILLS BE NOT STOLEN!”
PETER G.–He will stagger over and be killed; I shall get the will, NOBODY'S CHILD.
and Tregarvon castle shall (somehow) yet be mine!
Enter a CROWD.
CROWD.-The man has fallen over into an abyss of unfathomable
depth! We will rescue him ! Patty. My uncle, Peter Grice, is Postmaster of St. Arven. Joe, (They all plunge into abyss of unfathomable depth, and bring him out in the village idiot, is our servant. Lewcy Tregarvon, my foster-sister,
about half a minute, dead. is the daughter of Sir Robert Tregarvon, a long-haired, horsemanship-looking bart. Captain Dudley Lazonby was formerly engaged to
ALL.-He is dead! Miss Lewcy, but is now thrown over for George Penrhyn. Now you
SCENE 3.-The Ravine. Enter PETER GRICE. know all about us.
[Blushes, and exit.
Peter G.-I have managed to descend to the bottom of the abyss of Enter CAPTAIN LAZONBY.
unfathomable depth, and I find that the will is in another abyss of Capt. L.-I am the son of Elizabeth Lazonby, whose sauce is the more unfathomable depth still. I will, however, descend. only recognised relish for chops, steaks, fish, &c. But let that pass. Enter Job and PATTY LAVROCK, who have taken an evening stroll, with Enter PETER GRICE.
all the village, down here. PETER G.-Captain Lazonby!
JOB.-A-20-a you don't-a. [Pushes him on one side, and descends. Capt. L.- Grice, you have a letter in your post-bag that announces
Party L.-Joe! Are you killed ? There is no answer! Ha! to Lowcy Tregarvon that she is worth millions. Suppress it.
this rope! [Lets a rope down, and drags him up to the loss unfathor cole Peter G.-I will—I will! (Suppresses it, R.) But why?
of the two abysses. CAPT. L.-I love her, and would marry her-she is poor now, and
JOE.-I-a have GOT A THE WILL! may listen- if she knows she is rich, she may not. Besides, you want ACT III.-The Tower of Tregarvon with the side out, showing Lewcy's to buy her father's castle. This you cannot do if she is worth millions.
bedroom. Enter CAPTAIN LAZONBY. PETER G.–True ! True ! [Suppresses it more than ever. Exeunt.
CAPT. L. Somelaow I have contrived to steal into Lewcy's room. Enter Joe.
[Conceals himself. Joe (down in his stomach).--I am-a the-a village idiot-a. My-a
Enter LEWCY TBEGABYON, terrowsers are vandyked-a, accordingly-a I was a washed on-a shore-a by the sea tied-a toʻa plank-e. I have received-a no eder-ucation-a, for a castle; and my bed is built in a small recess, which is stuffy, but
LEWCY T.-My room is only about four feet square, which is small but I talk-a in rather more-a stilted-a and bombastic-a langerwage what are such considerations to a pure girl whose only indiscretions. than-a the late Claude-a Melnotte-a-8. They call me idiot-a, because I wear-a long hair parted-a down the centre-a, and carerfullee crepe. forest at midnight without her bonnet? Absolutely nothing'
a habit of meeting acknowledged villains in the solitude of a gloomy Ha! ha! I am-a not such an idiot-a as to allow my hair-a to be-a cropped by the barber-a of a-a Cornish-a village. I wait-a till I can
Carr. L. (shewing himself).- Lewcy! see Terrufitt-a.
LEWOY T.-Captain Lazonby in my bedroom at night? Now this I
[Dance, and of really cannot allow. You are going too fac--you are indeed. A hunting-party is seen in the distance (going at full gallop down a steep CAPT. L.-I have come to carry you off. By my mother's Sauce
precipice with a sheer fall of many thousand feet), and accompanied (removes his hat), I have sworn it! (as usual) by full band playing " A hunting we will go.” Then enter LEWOY T.-That fearful oath unmans me I should say, unwomans the hunting-party, consisting of M188 LEWCY TREGARVON and six
me quite. young hair-cutters, with orders to stand behind a table, and not to Capt. L.-Come!
(Struggle. show their logs on any account. LEWCY L.-It is only in Cornwall that we gallop home, ventre a
Enter Job and PATTY LAVROCK, who are strolling through the private terre, after a long day's hunt. But then it is only in Cornwall that a
apartments of the Castle this evening for a change. long day's hunt ends at about nine in the morning.
[Seizes Lazonby, and chucks him out of window doron a precipice. Carr. L.-Lewcy!
LEWCY T.-Ha! My gun! I always sleep with it loaded at my Lewcy T.-Monster! I shrink from you! [Shrinks from him. side! Capt. L.-Meet me at midnight, at the Fairy's well.
[Seikos gun and fires it at poor Jos, of all people in the world. He falls LEWCY T.-Never !
wounded. CAPT. L.—You shall. (Taking off his hat reverentially.) I swear it Enter the LONG-HAIRED BARt., the SPORTING HAIR-CUTTERS, PETER by My Mother's Sauce!
[Al kneel. LEWCY T.-I cannot resist that fearful oath. I will be there.
GRICE, ALL THE VILLAGERS, and a POLICEMAN, who remains shyly at
the back. Joz (coming forward, and knowing much more about it than anybody else).--And so-a will Nobody's che-ild-a!
JOB (10 LEWCY T.).—Hero-a is the will that makes you worth-a
ALL.–And you are-
JOR.-A-ha-I am-a (all breathless) a-Nobody's-a Che-ild !
OURSELVES.—Pretty good piece for the class of audience. SituaLEwcy T. (proudly).-I am here anon! (LAZONBY cowers.) What tions would be more exciting if they were not so old. Capitally placed would you with me ?
upon the stage. Excellently acted by MR. VOLLAIRE, and Miss Capt. L.-I would make you mine! It was for that I asked you to PAUNCEPORT ; fairly by Mr. EDGAR, and very conventionally by MR. meet me.
CRBBWICK. MR. HOLSTON very good as the drunken sailor. The rest LBWCY T.-I loathe and scorn you, as you well know. I really
nowhere. believe that if I had known that that was all you bad to tell me I should almost have hesitated before escaping from my father's castle,
The “Fort-hitter in re ” and the “Zouave-iter in unseen, at midnight, to keep an appointment in the depths of a forest
Modo.” with a fellow whom I know to be an unconscientious scoundrel.
We note with glee that MARSHAL FOREY will not allow himself to Capr. L.–Nay; but you shall be mine!
[Struggle. be falsely made a round in the ladder of Jacob's success, and trust Joe, I think, appears from behind the well, and rescues Lewcy. "Tableau. the impostor may catch the purishment he so richly deserves. Let LEWCY T.-My preserver, thanks!
him in future stick to his trumpet; he has shown us that he is fully Capt. L.-Humph; another time!
[Quivers himself off.
capable of blowing that instrument.
Oysters are at a Pretty Tune.
In a list of new works we notice the following:
“Songsters, Our Native. By ANXA PRATT." Peter G.–Who are you?
Whistling oysters are not unknown to the naturalist, but a singing one SAILOR. --The late Admiral Tregarvon’s cox'en. Here is his will, is quite a novelty. Are its notes produced by the aid of bivalves ? which I am going to give to Miss Lewcy, and which makes her worth We confess we should like to hear it sing, Ann Pratt-le too. A millions.
present of a barrel of oysters will, we presume, in future be considered Peter G (aside).—Ha! (Aloud.)-Go up that precipice-it is the as equivalent to “tipping a few staves." Friends will please take note Dearest way.
[Exit Drunken Sailor, staggering up precipice. of this intimation.