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AUNT HE JUST WRONG ?
Charlie (frotfully) :-"OH, THEN I SHALL BE A NASTY AUNT!”
OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
Let not the author think that we are laughing at his book because We commend a three-volume story called Webs in the Way, published
we sum up its leading incidents thus briefly and flippantly. We have by MBB8R8. TINSLEY BROTHERS, to lovers of the amphibious novel.
read it from cover to cover with great interest; and our first acquaint
ance with his descriptive powers makes us desire to know more of The narrative is divided pretty fairly between land and sea; and it
them. There are bits of nautical writing in his novel that are not at strikes us that the author, MR. G. MANVILLE FENN, is more happy
all inferior to MARRYAT. The greatest fault we find in him is the afloat than ashore. He puts before us, in thoroughly fresh and vivid
extreme conventionality of his female sinner, and the other faults are language, the adventures of a common sailor, who rescues a couple of
trifling ones. Webs in the Way is a book to be read. young ladies from a crew of mutineers and encounters all sorts of peril in their service. Mr. Fenn manages to describe incidents of a is sensational" kind in the siin plest manner, and thus to heighten their
A STORY WITH A POINT. effect. People will believe almost anything if they have it related in
ADDRESSED TO THE UNPAID MAGISTRACY OF Bucks. a common-place and sober style ; sprinkle it with notes of admiration, and they suspect you. The author of Webs in the Way has not read May it please your Judicial Wisdoms! I am about to tell you a his Robinson Crusoe for nothing. On dry land, as we have already story—a very old one, with a very new moral to it. hinted, he is not nearly so successful. The character of Mrs. Levigne, I A professor of Natural Sciences was once called upon to give a defi. a wicked woman, of the type so dear to our lady novelists, is over- | nition of a “Lobster." drawn and undatural. She bites her lips too much-glides too often “A lobster,” he replied, " is a red fish that walks backward." into rooms at the precise moment when she is least wanted-and, " Capital,” exclaimed CUVIBR, to whom this definition was subabove all, drinks too much laudanum. This doll has been played with mitted. “ First-rate, indeed; only permit me three observations; quite enough, and should have been put back on the shelf long ago. as to the rest, it is perfect:MR. Fenn is far more artistic in his portrait of “the Captain"-a
« 1st. A lobster is not a fish. pimpled, seedy, and red-nosed specimen of the billiard-sharper, tout
." 2nd. It is not red. and welcher; just the kind of man whom our dear friend NICHOLAB
“ 3rd. It does not walk backward." would look down upon with a lofty disdain, and almost refuse to drink MR. FITZGERALD, of the Buckingham Petty Sessions, says of the with. And this monster of debauchery-("the Captain,” not NICHOLAS) Rev. MR. HARLEY, accused of gross cruelty to a dog :
-is the beautiful Mrs. Levigne's husband; therefore, as a matter of “MR. HARLEY is a humane man. course, the beautiful Mrs. Levigne wishes to commit bigamy. It | “MR. HaklbY has behaved like a gentleman. really seems that nothing in the shape of a three-volume novel can be “ MR. HARLEY has acted like a Christian minister.” written in these times without a bigamy. Mrs. Levigne, foiled in “ Capital !” says Fun. “First-rate, indeed! Only, permit me bigamy, jumps off Westminster Bridge with a chemist in her arms. three observations; as to the rest, it is perfect:Their lives are spared, but the chemist goes mad. In the end he
“ 1st. The Rev. MR. HARLEY is not a fish. rocovers his reason, and Mrs. Levigne dies penitent, singing a hymn
“ 2ad. He is not red. (the only one she knows), and accompanying herself beautifully on
" 3rd. He does not walk backward." the pianoforte.
A SONG FOR A SHAKSPERIAN CLOWN.
FROM OUR STALL. TWELVE periwinkles dwelt down by the sea
We are told that our grandfathens-dear old three-bottled dogs,
who staggered into the theatres with more wine than wit on board With a nonny nonino-nonny nonino ! They met with a poet and asked him to tea,
actually trembled and grew pale over “The Miller and his Men.” The
late Må. Farley curdled the blood and elevated the hair of crowded Nonny nonino hey!
houses as Grindoff, and MR. LISTON was extremely diverting as Karl. Said he, “Well, I take it quite kindly that you
We are not like outr grandfathers. Mr. Ryder delights not us-10 With a nonny, &c.—
nor MR. J. Rouse either—though, by our smiling, we might have Should be thinking of asking a party like me
seemed to say 80. The band of robbers which is the terror of Nonny, &c.
Bohemia seems to us (Bohemian as we are) inexpressibly comic, and “But tell me, my maritime friends," said he,
the trials of Claudine and Lothair interest us no more than if we had With a nonny, &c.
cut the loving couple out of paper and slid them on and off the boards " What might you think of providing for tea ?”
of a Skelt's miniature theatre. Nonny, &c.
But, as a curiosity, "The Miller and his Men” is well worth see
ing, and we consider that MR. CHATTERTON has done a laudable thing The twelve periwinkles said, “ Cannot you guess ? A
in reviving the funny old piece at Drury Lane. There must be someWith a nonny, &c.
thing very wicked in our modern burlesques, for they have taught us Platefull of Enteromorpha compressa
to roar at the noblest sentiments, even when delivered in the most Nonny, &c.
unexceptionable English; they have made the virtuous Kelmar seem “Oh," quoth the poet, “I really don't see
the prosiest of old pumps, and Grindoff the most conventional of 'With a nonny, &c.
ruffiang. We like these people none the less, though, but rather the moro, How you can call a salt salad a tea.
for laughing at them so heartily. The piece can never be dull to anyNonny, &c.
body with a sense of humour, and we advise all the town to go to Drurg
Lane and see it. Sir HENRÝ Bishop's music is as fresh as a daisy, and “If you to my lodgings accompany me
some very pretty scenery has been painted for the revival. BS8R8. With a nonny, &c.
RYDER, É. PHELP8, Barrett, and Rouse do their best (quíte ineffecI'll show you the sort of a spread it should be.
tually) to make the charaeters look like life; and, played as an afterNonny, &c.
piece, the melodrama goes well. It would go better if MR. EDMUND "Understand, too, I wish the invite to extend
PHBLPS could commit the words of his part to memory, and the figure With a nonny, &c.—
that crosses the back of the stage in a boat could manage to row less To each prawn and each shrimp you may count as a violently. * friend.”
This is a busy week for the critics. In six more nights the present Nonny, &c.
writer will have been to six more theatres, or perished in the attempt. The twelve periwinkles that dwelt by the sea
To die in our stall would be a noble ending.
A PUBLIC spirited Bostonian has founded a tutorship of elocution at And they, with such shrimps and such prawns as they the Andover Theological Seminary, to train the students in the art of knew
"apt, forcible, and convincing public address." We should think With a nonny, &c.—
JUDGE Payne would do admirably for the post. If not always apt, Went home with that poet, delighted a few!
his addresses are always forcible, and generally carry a pretty strong Nonny, &c.
“conviction" with them. His toast it was brown, and his kettle was hot
With a nonny, &c.-
Answers to correspondents.
We cannot return irejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied Oh, the tea, milk, and sugar, he put in his cup
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communicaWith a nonny, &c.
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.] And the prawns, shrimps, and winklos-he gobbled 'em
DRAMA (Reform Club).--If, instead of scribbling anonymous letters, you upNonny, &c.
would come forward like a gentleman, we oould point out your blander in a
minute. The moral of which little tale is, you see,
A. K. (Lothbury.)-We must, though ourselves loth, bury your MS. in With a nonny nonino, nonny nonino!
the W. P. B. Don't go, when a poet invites you to tea,
A JUNIOR.- There was nothing to take offence at, surely!
J. M. N. (Fulham-road.) - Please see our regulations."
Bob informs us that he is suffering from ague in consequence of the
trouble his joke cost him. The joke is very shaky, too!
HARRY W.-Under consideration. No Act of Parliament was ever drawn up through which some in- F. A. O. (Chelmsford.)—A very old joke and a very poor sketch. genious person or other could not drive a coach-and-four. But we F. C. E. (Kow Green.) -The notion may make Kew Green, but the fancy the New Metropolitan Management Act is the first through general public would not smile even. which an umbrella could be thrust. A bewildered constable has just 1 PERRY.-We must beg to decline the ex.PERRY-ment, applied to us for advice under the following circumstances. The Act
BETTY BLOSBOX must be nipt in the bud, or we shall come to blows. says, “The Commissioner of Police may cause any dog which has
NUP.--We have a-puf without you, thanks. remained in the hands of the police for three clear days, unclaimed,"
I X. Y, Z.-A B.C.-ly bad drawing. to be sold or destroyed. Considering the Act first comes into force in
TRANSMAGNIFICANBANDANJUALITATAS.-Your signature is almost as
long as the contribution you send, and quite as unmeaning. the month of November, we think it likely that some trouble may be T. A. D. (Stoke Newington.) –We wish we could say you were & caused by this clause. Three clear days in London in November are F. A. D. of ours, but we can't.' almost as difficult to find as grammatical Acts of Parliament.
SATYR.—We don't require jokes copied out of our back numberg. Sun and Company.
Declined with thanks :-R. W.; H. W. M., Hayes; A. H., Liverpool;
A. B.; A. D., Glasgow; A. S., Cheltenham; W. W., Rugby; A. S., We see it stated in a contemporary that a new type company has Paisley; Iota ; 'W. B., Islington ; L. J. C., Bedminster; F. S. B., Crosbybeen started at New York, “ for producing metallic type by means of square; E. H. C.; F. F., Jersey; C. E. N., Bayswater; Thomas, Wildersunlight.” This surpasses the photographic feat--we should say ness-row ; Charlie; Grim; Novice; Marmion; M.
ness-row ; Charlie; Grim; Novice; Marmion; M. C., Acton-street; A hand-of History, who was seen, by Tox MOORB, u to write with a Contributor; Asmodeus ; J. P. D., Lee; Cub; G. C., Hyde Park; J. T. Gun pencil of light." If the enterprising company can only carry their
Balham; E. W.., St. Paul's Cray; A. G.C.; A Middle-sex Person; One scheme a little further, and manufacture the requisite sunlight out of
Taken-in; H. B. 'M. G., Weston-super-Mare ; T. W. J., Cheapside;
S. L. C., Kingston; W. Š. M., St. Martin's-le-Grand; J. F. L., March scucumbers, their success will be complete.
A Enemy; L. S.; J. D. P., St. Luke's; J. A, H., Lytham; H. G., Brent
ford; A. Y., Old Broad-street; A. M., Pimlico; É. 8. B., Crosby-square; SHOOTING QUARTERB.--Autumn and winter.
J. G., Chelmsford ; E, H. F.
shell and separates the plump inhabitant thereof from its hold, leaving
it otherwise unscathed and still as it were swimming in that essence BY OUR Own DANDO.
which is like sea-air concentrated into-into-I was about to say Not scalloped ! Forbid it, ye divinities, who preside over the exquisite gravy; but the word is too coarse. Let it pass. SIMM: SWBBTING: pleasures of the Gastronomist. Not fried! The flavour of the fire is HARVEY: PROSSER—I know ye all! How many a blissful halfprofanation to the pure pellucid mollusc whose very nature is gelatinous | hour have I stood in the dingy dimness, the shadowy retirement, of gelidity. Not separated from the shell, heaped in a plate, and be- thy retreat in Maiden-lane, Oh RULE! and but that thou art too vinegared until there is no flavour but that of the fork with which the ready to demand the liquidation of a small account-though it was plump and tempting morsels are disfigured ere they can reach the mouth. eleven and not twelve dozen; 80 thou must amend thy bill. But for I have tried all these vile innovations, and if it had been possible to this, I say, I would come again, at that time in the evening before the abate my passionate appreciation of the most exquisite of food-ambrosia hungry crew come bustling in from Faust and prepare themselves of Aphrodite !-concentration of Cleopatric richness !-sublimated de- anew for Grindoff and Lothair. To eat oysters with an appetite is glutable pearl !-I might have learned to loathe, and leave the lunch sacrilege. We eat oysters for an appetite: or as the only pure inI love! If there is one man upon whose grave I would willingly cast dulgence of the palate ever yet discovered by civilized man. "No. I stones, it would be that of him who invented oyster sauce! Who was will be here before the crowd, since I must needs take them on & he to degrade the dain'iest delicacy that can charm mankind into a counter. mere adjunct ?—to stifle the bland beneficence of a bivalve beauty The old stall had its charm. Its very rudeness, so that the fish wife in an ocean of filthy melted butter ? Faugh! I could almost wish handled her knife deftly-was suggestive, for oysters need no artificial that he had been buried in Bunhill-fields, then would his tomb have aids. And then, I think, those women were more confiding. been certainly desecrated! Unless- unless indeed they had piled it high with oyster-shells; and so by ostracism after death reminded the world how gure a penalty attaches to the man who hath no reverence
“ Light! More Light!" for the pure and beautiful in nature.
The Select Committee on the Metropolitan Gas Bill have, we are No. "To cook an oyster is to turn a diamond into charcoal, than delicted to lear
mond into,.charcoal, than delighted to learn, thrown light upon a subject that sadly wanted which no alchemy can be more illustrative of this utilitarian age. I illumination London gag! We shall be rather gurorised if. after the vow I would sooner pay for my oysters than have them so desecrated
meeting of Parliament next session, we are not enabled to turn off our as it is the fashion now to treat them, and yet to pay for them I
gas—and our gas company-and get a better supply. consider is in itself a kind of desecration, a dragging of mere base and material considerations into an employment which should be altogether ethereal and above such grossness. Let me, I say, stand with ample
"There was a Lake from India Came.'' elbow room, and apart from wretches who cut or fork their oysters, or Now that the Reform question has arrived at something like a settledrench them with the vinegar that hath lain on chilies, or dredge ment, it is to be hoped that the Government, with the Orissa case them with black pepper, or sup and gurgle at them as they eat, or staring them in the face, will direct more of their attention to the spill the liquor down their vests, or wait until a whole dozen are ready í Bheels of Hindostan and less to the BBALES of Adelphi-terrace. for their indiscriminating maws. Let me stand at a fair counter with its pure marble top, and there calmly and with fine appreciation take each exquisite mouthful from its pearly shell in the moment after it NOTICE.—Now ready, the Twelfth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being hath been revealed by the knife of the honest man who opens it.
THE FIFTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES. I call him honest who, with one dexterous action, defily opens the Magenta cloth, 48. 6d. ; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, 1s. 64. each.
London :-Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's HALI, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.
October 5, 1867.
FROM OUR STALL.
Above Parr. The most exciting and poetical of sensation-plays, “ Arrah-na- ' A REMARKABLE case of longevity has come under our notice. It is Pogue," suffers somewhat from the substitutions attending its on record that “OLD PARR” attained the great age of 152 years nine revival. MR. G. VINING's O'Grady is only pretty good, and MR. months. Far be it from us to make light of so venerable a subject, BROUGHAM's was perfect. MR. GRESHAM, & clever actor in heavy still we may not be out of place in stating that this great fact has been business, plays the Sergeant with a terribly coarse kind of humour; completely cast into the sbade by an acquaintance of ours-a chandelier the first representative of the character was admirable. Other altera manufacturer-who has already seen considerably more than thirty tions in the cast have taken place, few of them for the better. MR. lustres, and, we are happy to add, has every prospect of witnessing as and Mrs. BoUCICAULT have resumed their old parts, and very charm- | many more. ingly they play them. MR. DOMINICK MURRAY, who has retouched and intensified Michael Feeny, was called before the curtain two or
Nose-such Thing! three times on the first night of the revival. By the way, the author. A LADY advertises in a New York paper for a husband having a has very judiciously substituted the “Shan Van Voght" for the "Wearin' Roman pose with strong religious tendencies.” Poor thing! She will of the Green.” The treason of the former song is comparatively mild, never meet with the object of her desires. A nose with religious tenand therefore less likely to stimulate the Fenians in the gallery to go dencies would of course turn up—which is a feat no nose of the Roman into the streets and commit murder.
type could possibly achieve. The pretty and comfortable Prince of Wales's has been re-opened with “ Caste," wbich seemed to have got its second breath and gone in for another “ spurt." MR8. LBIGU MURRAY is now playing the part
Get Along with yer Barry! originally given to Miss LARKIN.
We understand that efforts are being made to refer the great MR. Cave, the mapager of the Marylebone Theatre, has just entered" running down" case-Proin v. BARRY—to arbitration. For the into the command of the Victoria. The house has been thoroughly credit of both parties, we shall be glad to hear that this arrangement cleaned, and everything about it looks very nice. A noticeable change has been carried into effect. has taken place in the behaviour of the “gods," who now listen soberly and sensibly to the pieces, instead of hooting, whistling, and fighting
Ấn Artistic Wager. throughout the livelong performance. This improvement has been brougnt about by largo placards, pasted against the gallery walls,
The papers state that a largo bed of paint of various colours and of which threaten instant expulsion in case of disturbance. We admiré superior quality has just been discovered in Michigan; it is said to be MR. CAVB's vigorous measures; he evidently knows bow to deal with
three miles in length. An artist of our acquaintance declares that he a transpontine audience. The pieces at present on the Victoria bills
will “lay his palette" there's no truth in the report. are a melodrama called “The Sin of & Life," and the comic drama “ Giralda," which are very respectably played. MR. LEWIS NANTON,
Literary. who seems the favourite, is an actor who will make a name.
SIR ROWLAND Hill is writing a history of penny postage. We
hear he has got well a-head with it, but we do not know whether it THE PATRON SAINT OF ENTOMOLOGISTS.—Good St. Antenna. | will be issued in penny numbers, stamped.
PAIN AND TRAVEL.
By A. C. Sw*NB*RNE.
Oh, terrible tumble of tides-
Who ramble by rustic road-sides !
Let me see you again and again ;
Our Lady of Pain !
The torments that torture-not kill:
Of travellers terribly ill.
Their throes set a-thrill in my brain :
Our Lady of Pain !
That mingles my manhood with mud :
With lips that laugh blithely in blood :
Bite till cruel red mouths show the stain-
Our Lady of Pain!
Shall share in the shame of my hymns,
Dark bruises on delicate limbs.
For the fracture, the frostbite, the sprain,
Our Lady of Pain!
An accident fell should betide
In ruin on every side-
And gush of bright gore, not in vain
Our Lady of Pain !
O'er mountain, vale, meadow, and wood;
And gird against all that is good;
Although I to the heights might attain :
Our Lady of Pain !