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MRS. BROWN ON GAS.

nice manners, to compare a lady to a cart-horse.” He says, “You'd I don't think as ever I know'd anythink much wuss than the way of your impidence,” I says, “I'd rather give you a shillin' for the

be a fine lady, take you by the pound.” I says, “I don't want none as the streets is lighted all over London, and partik'ler out our way, as is darkness wisible all over the place, and I'm sure the gas in my as 'ave been a-standin' ironing these things till she's nearly dropped,

damage as I've done.” Says the gal,“ A shillin' won't pay mother, kitchen burns that dismal as mend her stockings by it the gal and won't she give it me!" I says, “Where does she live " She can't thro' a-wearin' black in mournin' for her father as was took says, “ Close by." I says, “I'll come and see 'er,” for I see the poor sudden thro" disease of the 'art, as is all my eye, for the public- child were frightened, and as to the old man, as were her grandfather, house was ’is end, as it is of a good many more. Not as I'd ever allow he 'adn't no sense 'ardly. a servant for to wear black stockings, and so I told 'er, but of course for the fust three months, as is only natural grief, as did ought to be room, as got 'er bread by ironing as is 'ard work, and no doubt tries

I never see a cleaner place than that poor woman's, tho' only one showed thro' respect. Not as any one could respect 'im, as were a downright disgrace and had got her out of one or two places thro” the temper, and I sees as she were a bit of a brimstone, but law bless A-comin' and ringin' the bell far gone in drink, and

a-demandin' on 'er you,

'ard work and short commons, as the sayin' is, would try the as his child, and come that caper with me once, as pretty soon settled I soon told MR8. PRESWICK, as were 'er name, all about it, and it was

temper of a saint, and there ain't many of them about nowadays. him, a-sittin' on my doorstep a-cryin' and a-sayin' it were 'ard to part as much as I could do for to make 'er believe as it warn't the gal's

and '' as to , she door thro' fright of him as 'ad laid 'er mother's head open with the “Then I'll trouble you to iron 'em over egin, for my legs is that

eshort, dust shovel the week afore she left 'ome. So I jest marches myself swelled a-standin' as I can't." I say, “Let's see 'em," so we opens the out and calls to a policeman as were a-passin', and says if this feller basket, and I pretty soon could tell as it wasn't werry deadly the 'arm touches my bell-handle again lock 'im up, as he did accordin', and so WARDIN, as wero 'is name, never come nigh mo agin, but 'is fool of * as were done. So I says, "Put me down a iron,” and takes off my wife come and said as he'd took cold in the perlice cells as 'ad struck a-goin' to try to iron 'em up?" I says, “No, I ain't a-goin' to try

bonnet and shawl. Says the woman, “You don't mean to say as you'ne to 'im, and p'raps he did, but it was no cold as killed 'ime, but constant I'm a-goin to iron 'em," for the iconin board were ready, “Why,"I gin and beer, as 'ad quite underminded his constitution. I'm sure they're always a-tearin' the road up to look to them pipes, I saya, “One of the best as ever lived, as were my own mother, as As I was a-sayin', the gas is a downright disgrace all about us, and says I'll set 'em right in a quarter of s'our," and so I did, and make

'em look all the better. So she says, “Whoever taught you ironia's and lets a lot of it escape as the smell on is enough to knock you down, did used to get up lace for Court ladies as good as now." andro it did me close agin Lambeth-walk, where they'a'been and digged up the pipes and not left room for any one to pass without she watched me, and I says to 'er mother, “ You're too heavy-handed

I don't think as ever I see anyone stare more than that poor gal, as walkin along the bank as they'd made in throwin' up the earth on the with your starch, as a dampin' with a wet cloth will improve this are pavement ehameful. It's all a job, no doubt, and how they gets their l'abit shirt," and so it did. So I says, “ Now,

my dear, you may be off Grin', the same as the water and the drains, as they're only too glad with them; where's you'r grandpa as you calls 'im?” She run for for an excuse to dig the place up, as is work for 'undreds, the same as find 'im, and that poor MRS. PRRSWICK told me'ow whe'd been deter in down the Commercial-raad three years ago, as nearly cost me kifoda many more. For I was a-goin' out in the evenin for to by her 'usband, and left with three, and ed et pour troubles

bein' bad in or breath as the doctor told er would tawa to dopey, I met koer purchases, and 'ad got into the Commercial-road and all think werry likely, and the mid as sho'd for father onlar ads as tho denime was up all over the place, with the earth mountains 'igh lived in the back Kitchen with a mangle, soms almont past work, and along the pavement as we was all obligated for to walk along the top ad been a boot-closer. I quite tools to that proman, and she was that on thro' pools of water on the pavement. A lot of idyoto was a-standin clean and exed-workin', so you see some good come out of the gas and up there a-watchin' the men at work, as is always the way with them

no thanks to them, as is a set of cheats, a-comin' botherin' constant as is idle, and I was in a 'urry and says, “Oh, do let anybody pass!" about their metre, as is always wrong, and I 'ates the pasty and Ono says, “Why didn't you send word you was a-comin?" Another stifling feeling of gas as ain't fit for anythink but shops and passages

; says, "Wake way for the lady maress !" áll a-jeerin' at me. Well, jest and in a small room is a downright furnace, and spiles everythink and then if one of them men as was working down below didn't break open blacks the ceilin' like a chimbly and I can't abear it, and if it don't a water-pipe with his pickaxe, and up comes the water like a fountain 2-delngin' any one. I was obligated for to step back like, when I get better I'll go back to candles, as I shouldn't mind but for the my legs, and down I goes with a many more into that there drain, heard parties a-hollerin' "Hi! bil" and felt myself regʻlar swep" off snuffin', as is never endin' work, let alone the dirt. a-top of the workmen, and it's a mercy as I pitched

into where it was

TRANSPARENCIES. soft mud, or I might 'ave broke my back. Well, them navigators as they calls them as were at work tho' a

BY A MAGAZDI POETB88. rough lot, was werry kind a-liftin' of me into dry, ground agin, and I

If I were a jelly-fish great and good, Bays, Whoever was it as shoved me into the drain ?"... So a chap

Oh, what a jelly-fish I would be ! says, “Why, that ore moke" I says, “Who’s a moke?” “Why,

But I can't be a jelly-fish e'en if I would, he says, “'Im with the papnyers,” and so it proved to be a donkey,

And so, as a jelly-fish, look pot on me! for if one of them costers 'adn't come along the path behind us with 'is donkey as the pannyers on had knocked every one into the drain in

To float away on the roaming wave a row till stopped by a tinker as 'ad a pot of fire, with a 'ot iron, as

Whithersoever the wave might list, pretty soon waked that coster up, and å nice fight there was. I'd a

That is the life that my heart would cravegood mind for to jump into the drain agin, as I should have been

That is the spell I could never resist. knocked into but for the perlice, as come up, but 'ad to turn back' ome bedaubed from head to foot, and lumps of clay a-stickin' to me, as dried

To swim, and float, and wander away as hard as flint and stuck like wax.

To no matter where-and no matter why, Well, I was a-walkin' down Lambeth way the other evenin', and

Like yonder pale jelly-fish out in the bay, they was a-takin' up the gas-pipes as I'd smelt for ever so far, and

That is the sort of existence, say I. they was a-tryin' of the pipe all along with a bit of rope as they'd set

This may be poetry-may be it's proselight to, when all of a sudden it flared out that wiolent as made me

May be it's—anyhow, this is enough; back sudden, and down I went. I thought as I fell wonderful soft, and

It will pass for a poem as poetry goes felt as I'd gone into something as wasn't paving stones, and I heard

Jelly-fish fashion--transparentish stuff! sich a cryin', and a old man and a young gal a-screamin' at me and tryin' to pull me up. I says, “Let me alone, I can get up,” but no I couldn't, for I seemed stuck like. The young gal began abusin' me

Unreported Dramatic Fact. frightful, a-callin' me a stupid old hass. A young feller as were ONE thing connected with the recent interesting performances of passin' says, “ Up with you, mother, you're a-crumplin' the linen," Romeo and Juliet at the Adelphi has been most unaccountably ignored and up he jerked me that wiolent as saemed to hustle my bones. I by the papers. We allude to the fact that Mr. Tom TAYLOR played says, “Whatever do you mean, a-usin' sich wiolence to a lady as ’ave Nurse to Miss Kate Terry's Juliet. It is fit that so notable a fact only got summer things on as'll tear like tinder " "I should like to should be put upon record, though that being done, little is needed by tear you to tinder,” says the gal,,.“ Look here, a whole week's work way of comment. Anything undertaken by Mr. T. T. is sure to be ruined !"

done well. Briefly, then, the distinguished dramatist supported M18s I looks round, and if I hadn't been and 'set down in a basket of TERRY admirably. His garrulity was simply wonderful, and his clean clothes as that old man and the young gal was a-carryin' scolding was superb. between 'em. I says, “Why did you get so close behind me?"?_Says the old man, “You backed like a restive cart-horse.” I says, " That's THE MODERN “FREE LANCE."-Gratuitous Vaccination.

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A SONG FOR A SHAKSPERIAN CLOWN.

FROM OUR STALL.
TWELVE periwinkles dwelt down by the sea-

We are told that our grandfathens-dear old three-bottled dogs,

who staggered into the theatres with more wine than wit on board With a nonny nonino-nonny nonino ! They met with a poet and asked him to tea,

actually trembled and grew pale over “The Miller and his Mon.” The

late MR. FARLEY curdled the blood and elevated the hair of crowded Nonny nonino hey!

houses as Grindoff, and Mr. LISTON was extremely diverting as Karl. Said he, “ Well, I take it quite kindly that ye

We are not like our grandfathers, R. Ryder delights not us-np With a nonny, &c.

nor MR. J. Rouse either-though, by our smiling, we might have Should be thinking of asking a party like me

seemed to say 80. The band of robbers which is the terror of Nonny, &c.

Bohemia seems to us (Bohemian as we are) inexpressibly comic, and “But tell me, my maritime friends," said he,

the trials of Claudine and Lothair interest us no more than if we had With a nonny, &c.

cut the loving couple out of paper and slid them on and off the boards " What might you think of providing for tea ?”

of a Skelr's miniature theatre. Nonny, &c.

But, as a curiosity, “ The Miller and his Men” is well worth see

ing, and we consider that MR. CHATTERTON has done a laudable thing The twelve periwinkles said, “ Cannot you guess ? A

in reviving the funny old piece at Drury Lane. There must be someWith a nonny, &c.

thing very wicked in our modern burlesques, for they have taught us Platefull of Enteromorpha compressa—

to roar at the noblest sentiments, even when delivered in the most Nonny, &c.

unexceptionable English ; they have made the virtuous Kelmar seem “Oh," quoth the poet, “I really don't see

the prosiest of old pumps, and Grindoff the most conventional of With a nonny, &c.

ruffians. We like these people none the less, though, but rather the more, How you can call a salt salad a tea.

for laughing at them so heartily. The piece can never be dull to anyNonny, &c.

body with a sense of humour, and we advise all the town to go to Drury

Lane and see it. Sir Henry Bishop's music is as fresh as a daisy, and “If you to my lodgings accompany meWith a nonny, &c.

some very pretty scenery has been painted for the revival. MBSSRS.

RYDER, É. PABLP8, BARRETT, and Rouse do their best (quite ineffecI'll show you the sort of a spread it should be.

tually) to make the charaeters look like life; and, played as an afterNonny, &c.

piece, the melodrama goes well. It would go better if MR. EDMUND “Understand, too, I wish the invite to extend

PHbLPs could commit the words of his part to memory, and the figure With a nonny, &c.

that crosses the back of the stage in a boat could manage to row less To each prawn and each shrimp you may count as a violently. friend."

This is a busy week for the critics. In six more nights the present Nonny, &c.

writer will have been to six more theatres, or perished in the attempt. The twelve periwinkles that dwelt by the sea

To die in our stall would be a noble ending.
With a nonny, &c.-
Accepted the bard's invitation with glee,

Eloquence.
Nonny, &c.

A PUBLIC spirited Bostonian has founded a tutorship of elocution at And they, with such shrimps and such prawns as they the Andover Theological Seminary, to train the students in the art of knew

"apt, forcible, and convincing public address." We should think With a nonny, &c.—

JUDGE PAYNE would do admirably for the post. If not always apt, Went home with that poet, delighted a few!

his addresses are always forcible, and generally carry a pretty strong Nonny, &c.

“conviction" with them.
His toast it was brown, and his kettle was hot-

With a nonny, &c.-
A spoonful a-piece and one more for the pot !

Inswers to Correspondents.
Nonny, &c.
Oh, the tea, milk, and sugar, he put in his cup-

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unloss they are accompanied

by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communicaWith a nonny, &c.

tions with illegible signatures or monograms.] And the prawns, shrimps, and winklos-he gobbled 'em

DRAMA (Reform Club).--If, instead of scribbling anonymous letters, you upNonny, &c.

would come forward like a gentleman, we could point out your blunder in a

minute. The moral of which little tale is, you 866,

A. K. (Lothbury.)-We must, though ourselves loth, bury your MS. in With a nonny nonino, nonny nonino !

the W. P. B.
Don't go, when a poet invites you to tea,

A JUNIOR. —There was nothing to take offence at, surely!
Nonny nonino hey!

J. M. N. (Fulham-road.) - Please see our regulations.
THANK Q. (Glasgow).-Smart, but you must see that we can't use it.

Bob informs us that he is suffering from ague in consequence of the
Not Very Clear.

trouble his joke cost him. The joke is very shaky, too!

HARRY W.-Under consideration. No Act of Parliament was ever drawn up through which some in- F. A. 0. (Chelmsford.)--A very old joke and a very poor sketch. genious person or other could not drive a coach-and-four. But we F. C. E. (Kow Green.)—The notion may make Kew Groen, but the fancy the New Metropolitan Management Act is the first through general public would not smile even. which an umbrella could be thrust. A bewildered constable has just PERRY.-We must beg to decline the ex. PERRY-ment. applied to us for advice under the following circumstances. The Act

BETTY BLOssom must be nipt in the bud, or we shall come to blows. says, "The Commissioner of Police may cause any dog which has

Nup.-We have a-puf without you, thanke. remained in the hands of the police for three clear days, unclaimed,"

X, Y, Z.-A B.C.-ly bad drawing. to be sold or destroyed. Considering the Act first comes into force in long as the contribution you send, and quite as unmeaning.

TRANSMAGNIFICANBANDANJUALITATAS.-Your signature is almost as the month of November, we think it likely that some trouble may be

F. A. D. (Stoke Newington.) -We wish we could say you were a caused by this clause. Three clear days in London in November aro F. A. D. of ours, but we can't. almost as difficult to find as grammatical Acts of Parliament.

PSYCHE. -Oh, crikey!

SATYR.-We don't require jokes copied out of our back numbers. Sun and Company.

Declined with thanks :-R. W.; H. W. M., Hayes; A. H., Liverpool;

A. B.; A. D., Glasgow; A. S., Cheltenham; W. W., Rugby; A. S., We see it stated in a contemporary that a new type company has Paisley ; Iota; W. B., Islington ; L. J. C., Bedminster; F. 8. B., Crosby been started at New York, " for producing metallic type by means of square; E. H. C.; F. F., Jersey; C. E. N., Bayswater; Thomas, Wildersunlight.” This surpasses the photographic feat--we should say ness-row ; Charlie; Grim; Novice; Marmion; M. C., Acton-street; A hand-of History, who was seen, by Tom MOORE, “to write with a Contributor; Asmodeus; J. P. D., Léo; Cub; G. C., Hyde Park; J.T. G. pencil of light." If the enterprising company can only carry their Balham; E. W.C.,

St. Paul's Cray; A. G.C. ; A Middle-sex Person ; One scheme a little further, and manufacture the requisite sunlight out of 5. 1. C., Kingston ; w. s. M., St. Martino s-le-Grand; J. F. La March

Taken-in; H. B. M. G., Weston-super-Mare ; T. W. J., Cheapside ; cucumbers, their success will be complete.

A Enemy; L. S.; J. D. P., St. Luke's; J. A. H., Lytham; H. G., Brent

ford; A. Y., Old Broad-street; A. M., Pimlico; É. 8. B., Crosby-square ; SHOOTING QUARTERS.-Autumn and winter.

J. G., Chelmsford ; E, H. F.

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11

OYSTERS.

shell and separates the plump inhabitant thereof from its hold, leaving BY OUR OWN DANDO.

it otherwise unscathed and still as it were swimming in that essence

which is like sea-air concentrated into-into-I was about to say Not scalloped! Forbid it, ye divinities, who preside over the exquisite gravy; but the word is too coarse. Let it pass. Simm: SWEBTING: pleasures of the Gastronomist. Not fried! The flavour of the fire is Harvey: PROSSER—I know ye all! How many a blissful halfprofanation to the pure pellucid mollusc whose very nature is gelatinous hour have I stood in the dingy dimness, the shadowy retirement, of gelidity. Not separated from the shell, heaped in a plate, and be thy retreat in Maiden-lane, on Rule! and but that thou art too vinegared until there is no flavour but that of the fork with which the ready to demand the liquidation of a small account—though it was plump and tempting morsels are disfigured ere they can reach the mouth. eleven and not twelve dozen; so thou must amend thy bill. But for I have tried all these vile innovations, and if it had been possible to this, I say, I would come again, at that time in the evening before the abate my passionate appreciation of the most exquisite of food-ambrosia hungry crew come bustling in from Faust and prepare themselves of Aphrodite !--concentration of Cleopatric richness !-sublimated de- anew for Grindoff and Lothair. To eat oysters with an appetite is glutable pearl !– I might have learned to loathe, and leave the lunch sacrilege. We eat oysters for an appetite: or as the only pure inI love! If there is one man upon whose grave I would willingly cast dulgence of the palate ever yet discovered by civilized man." No. I stones, it would be that of him who invented oyster sauce! Who was will be here before the crowd, since I must needs take them on a he to degrade the daintiest delicacy that can charm mankind into a counter. mere adjunct ?-to stifle the bland beneficence of a bivalve beauty The old stall had its charm. Its very rudeness, so that the fish wife in an ocean of filthy melted butter? Faugh! I could almost wish handled her knife

deftly-was suggestive, for oysters need no artificial that he had been buried in Bunhill-fields, then would his tomb have aids. And then, I think, those women were more confiding. been certainly desecrated! Unless, unless indeed they had piled it high with oyster-shells ; and so by ostracism after death reminded the world how sure a penalty attaches to the man who hath no reverence

“ Light! More Light!” for the pure and beautiful in nature. No. To cook an oyster is to turn a diamond into charcoal, than delighted to learn, thrown light upon a subject that sadly wanted

The Select Committee on the Metropolitan Gas Bill have, we are which no alchemy can be more illustrative of this utilitarian age. I illumination-London gas! We shall be rather surorised if, after the vow I would sooner pay for my oysters than have them so desecrated meeting of Parliament next session, we are not enabled to turn off our as it is the fashion now to treat them, and yet to pay for them I consider is in itself a kind of desecration, a dragging of mere base and gas—and our gas company—and get a better supply. material considerations into an employment which should be altogether ethereal and above such grossness. Let me, I say, stand with ample

"There was a Lake from India Came."
elbow room, and apart from wretches who cut or fork their oysters, or Now that the Reform question has arrived at something like a settle-
drench them with the vinegar that hath lain on chilies, or dredge ment, it is to be hoped that the Government, with the Orissa case
them with black pepper, or sup and gurgle at them as they eat, or staring them in the face, will direct more of their attention to the
spill the liquor down their vests, or wait until a whole dozen are ready Bheels of Hindostan and less to the Beales of Adelphi-terrace.
for their indiscriminating maws. Let me stand at a fair counter with
its pure marble top, and there calmly and with fine appreciation take
each exquisite mouthful from its pearly shell in the moment after it NOTICE.—Now ready, the Twelfth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
hath been revealed by the knife of the honest man who opens it.

THE FIFTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
I call him honest who, with one dexterous action, deftly opens the Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 58. Cases for binding, 1s. 6d. cach.
London :- Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-

October 5, 1867.

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