Page images
PDF
EPUB
[graphic]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

AUNT HE JUST WRONG?
Emily :-"CHARLIE, DEAR, SISTER SOPHY HAS GOT A LITTLE BABY !" Emily :-"No, A GIRL."
Charlie :-"Is It A BOY ? "

Charlie (frotfully) :—"OH, THEN I SHALL BE A NASTY AUNT !”

[ocr errors]

OUR LIBRARY TABLE.

Let not the author think that we are laughing at his book because We commend a three-volume story called Webs in the Way, published read it from cover to cover

with great interest; and our first acquaint

we sum up its leading incidents thus briefly and flippantly. We have by MBB8RB. TINSLEY BROTHERS, to lovers of the amphibious novel. The narrative is divided pretty fairly between land and sea; and it them. There are bits of nautical writing in his novel that are not at

ance with his descriptive powers makes us desire to know more of strikes us that the author, M. G. MANVILLE Fenn, is more happy all inferior to MARRYAT. The greatest fault we find in him is the afloat than ashore. He puts before us, in thoroughly fresh and vivid language, the adventures of a common sailor, who rescues a couple of extreme conventionality of his female sinner, and the other

faults are young ladies from a crew of mutineers and encounters all sorts of

trifling ones. Webs in the Way is a book to be read. peril in their service. Mr. Fenn manages to describe incidents of a sensational" kind in the simplest manner, and thus to heighten their

A STORY WITH A POINT. effect. People will believe almost anything if they have it related in

ADDRESSED TO THE UNPAID MAGISTRACY OF BUCKS. a common-place and sober style ; sprinkle it with notes of admiration, and they suspect you. The author of Webs in the Way has not read Mar it please your Judicial Wisdoms! I am about to tell you a his Robinson Crusoe for nothing. On dry land, as we have already story- -a very old one, with a very new moral to it. hinted, he is not nearly so successful. The character of Mrs. Levigne, A professor of Natural Sciences was once called upon to give a defia wicked woman, of the type so dear to our lady novelists, is over- nition of a “Lobster." drawn and uncatural. She bites her lips too much-glides too often A lobster,” he replied, " is a red fish that walks backward." into rooms at the precise moment when she is least wanted-and, Capital,” exclaimed CUVIBB, to whom this definition was subabove all, drinks too much laudanum. This doll has been played with mitted. First-rate, indeed; only permit me three observations ; quite enough, and should have been put back on the shelf long ago. as to the rest, it is perfect:MR. Fenn is far more artistic in his portrait of "the Captain”- a

" 1st. A lobster is not a fish. pimpled, seedy, and red-nosed specimen of the billiard-sharper, tout

" 2nd. It is not red. and welcher; just the kind of man whom our dear friend NICHOLAS

“ 3rd. It does not walk backward.” would look down upon with a lofty disdain, and almost refuse to drink MR. FITZGERALD, of the Buckingham Petty Sessions, says of the with. And this monster of debauchery-("the Captain," not NICHOLAS) Rev. MR. HARLEY, accused of gross cruelty to a dog :-is the beautiful Mrs. Levigne's husband; therefore, as a matter of

“MR. HARLEY is a humane man. course, the beautiful Mrs. Levigne wishes to commit bigamy. It “MR. HAKLBY has behaved like a gentleman. really seems that nothing in the shape of a three-volume novel can be “ MR. HARLEY has acted like a Christian minister." written in these times without a bigamy. Mrs. Levigne, foiled in “ Capital !” says Fun. “First-rate, indeed! Only, permit me bigamy, jumps off Westminster Bridge with a chemist in her arms. three observations ; as to the rest, it is perfect:Their lives are spared, but the chemist goes mad. In the end he

“ 1st. The Rev. MR, HARLEY is not a fish. recovers his reason, and Mrs. Levigne dies penitent, singing a hymn

" 2ad. He is not red. (the only one sho knows), and accompanying herself beautifully on

" 3rd. He does not walk backward." the pianoforte.

MORAL

[ocr errors]

A SONG FOR A SHAKSPERIAN CLOWN.

FROM OUR STALL. TWELVE periwinkles dwelt down by the sea

We are told that our grandfathers-dear old three-bottled dogs,

who staggered into the theatres with more wine than wit on board With a nonny nonino-nonny nonino ! They met with a poet and asked him to tea,

actually trembled and grew pale over "The Miller and his Men.” The

late Mr. FARLEY curdled the blood and elevated the hair of crowdod Nonny nonino hey!

houses as Grindoff

, and Mr. LISTON was extremely diverting as Karl. Said he, “Well, I take it quite kindly that yo

We are not like our grandfathers. JR. Ryder delights not us-ne With a nonny, &c.

nor MR. J. Rouse either--though, by our smiling, we might have Should be thinking of asking a party like me

seemed to say so. The band of robbers which is the terror of Nonny, &c.

Bohemia seems to us (Bohemian as we are) inexpressibly comio, and “But tell me, my maritime friends," said he,

the trials of Claudine and Lothair interest us no more than if we had With a nonny, &c.

cut the loving couple out of paper and slid them on and off the boards

of a Skelt's miniature theatre. " What might you think of providing for tea ?” Nonny, &c.

But, as a curiosity, “The Miller and his Men” is well worth see

ing, and we consider that Mr. CHATTERTON has done a laudable thing The twelve periwinkles said, “ Cannot you guess ? A

in reviving the funny old piece at Drury Lane. There must be someWith a nonny, &c.

thing very wicked in our modern burlesques, for they have taught us Platefull of Enteromorpha compressa

to roar at the noblest sentiments, even when delivered in the most Nonny, &c.

unexceptionable English ; they have made the virtuous Kelmar seom “Oh," quoth the poet, “I really don't see

the prosiest of old pumps, and Grindoff the most conventional of With a nonny, &c.

ruffians. We like these people none the less, though, but rather the moro, How you can call a salt salad a tea.

for laughing at them so heartily. The piece can never be dull to anyNonny, &c.

body with a sense of humour, and we advise all the town to go to Drury

Lane and see it. Sir Henry Bishop's music is as fresh as a daisy, and "If you to my lodgings accompany me-With a nonny, &c.

some very pretty scenery has been painted for the revival. ME88RS. I'll show you the sort of a spread it should be.

RYDER, É. PHBLPS, BARRETT, and Rouse do their best (quite ineffec

tually) to make the charaeters look like life; and, played as an afterNonny, &c.

piece, the melodrama goes well. It would go better if MR. EDMUND “Understand, too, I wish the invite to extend

PubLPs could commit the words of his part to memory, and the figure With a nonny, &c.—

that crosses the back of the stage in a boat could manage to row less To each prawn and each shrimp you may count as a violently. friend."

This is a busy week for the critics. In six more nights the present Nonny, &c.

writer will have been to six more theatres, or perished in the attempt. The twelve periwinkles that dwelt by the sea

To die in our stall would be a noble ending.
With a nonny, &c. -
Accepted the bard's invitation with glee,

Eloquence.
Nonny, &c.

A PUBLIC spirited Bostonian has founded a tutorship of elocution at And they, with such shrimps and such prawns as they the Andover Theological Seminary, to train the students in the art of knew

"apt, forcible, and convincing public address." We should think With a nonny, &c.—

JUDGE PAYNE would do admirably for the post. If not always apt, Went home with that poet, delighted a few!

his addresses are always forcible, and generally carry a pretty strong Nonny, &c.

“conviction" with them. His toast it was brown, and his kettle was hot

With a nonny, &c.-
A spoonful a-piece and one more for the pot !

Answers to Correspondents.
Nonny, &c.

(We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unloss they are accompanied Oh, the tea, milk, and sugar, he put in his cup—

by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communicaWith a nonny, &c.

tions with illegible signatures or monograms.] And the prawns, shrimps, and winkles-he gobbled 'em

DRAMA (Reform Club).-If, instead of scribbling anonymous letters, you upNonny, &c.

would come forward like a gentleman, we could point out your blander in a

minute. The moral of which little tale is, you see,

A. K. (Lothbury.) –We must, though ourselves loth, bury your MS. in With a nonny nonino, nonny nonino !

the W. P. B. Don't go, when a poet invites you to tea,

A JUNIOR.—There was nothing to take offence at, surely!
Nonny nonino hey!

J. M. N. (Fulham-road.) - Please see our regulations.
THANK Q." (Glasgow).-Smart, but you must see that we can't use it.

Bob informs us that he is suffering from ague in consequence of the
Not Very Clear.

trouble his joke cost him. The joke is very shaky, too!

HARRY W.-Under consideration. No Act of Parliament was ever drawn up through which some in- F. A. O. (Chelmsford.)-A very old joke and a very poor sketch. genious person or other could not drive a coach-and-four. But we F. C. E. (Kow Green.)—The notion may make Kew Green, but the fancy the New Metropolitan Management Act is the first through general public would not smile even. which an umbrella could be thrust. A bewildered constable has just PERRY.We must beg to decline the ex-PERRY-ment, applied to us for advice under the following circumstances. The Act

BETTY BLOssou must be nipt in the bad, or we shall come to blows. says, “The Commissioner of Police may cause any dog which has

NUF.-We have a-puf without you, thanks. remained in the hands of the police for three clear days, unclaimed,"

X. Y, Z.--A B.C.-ly bad drawing. to be sold or destroyed. Considering the Act first comes into force in long as the contribution you send, and quite as unmeaning.

TRANSMAGNIFICANBANDANJUALITATAS. —Your signature is almost as the month of November, we think it likely that some trouble may be

F. A. D. (Stoke Newington.) —We wish we could say you were a caused by this clause. Three clear days in London in November are

F. A. D. of ours, but we can't. almost as difficult to find as grammatical Acts of Parliament.

PSYCHE. -Oh, crikey!

SATYR.-We don't require jokes copied out of our back numbers.
Sun and Company.

Declined with thanks :-R. W.; H. W. M., Hayes; A. H., Liverpool;
A. B.; A. D., Glasgow; A. S., Cheltenham; W. W., Rugby;

A. S.; We seo it stated in a contemporary that a new type company has Paisley ; Iota ; 'W. B., Islington ; 'L. J. C., Bedminster; F. s. B., Crosby been started at New York, “ for producing metallic type by means of square; E. H.C.; F. F., Jersey; C. E. N., Bayswater ; Thomas, Wildersunlight.” This surpasses the photographic feat-we should say

ness-row; Charlie ; Grim; Novice; Marmion; M. c., Acton-street; A hand-of History, who was seen, by Tom MOORE, " to write with a Contributor; Asmodens; J. P. D., Lee; Cub; G. C., Hyde Park; J.T. G., pencil of light." If the enterprising company can only

carry their Balham; E. W. C., St. Paul's Cray; A. G.C. ; A Middle-nex Person ; One scheme a little further, and manufacture the requisite sunlight out of 5. L. C., Kingston; W. Š. M., St. Martin's-le-Grand; J. F. L. March

Taken-in; H. B. M. G., Weston-super-Mare; T. W. J., Cheapside ; cucumbers, their success will be complete.

A Enemy; L. 8.; J. D. P., St. Luke's; J. A, H., Lytham; H. G., Brentford; A. Y.,

Old Broad-street; A. M., Pimlico; F. 8. B., Crosby-squaro; SHOOTING QUARTERS.-Autumn and winter.

J. G., Chelmsford ; E. H. F.

[graphic]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

OYSTERS.

shell and separates the plump inhabitant thereof from its hold, leaving

it otherwise unscathed and still as it were swimming in that essence By Our Own DANDO.

which is like sea-air concentrated into-into-I was about to say Not scalloped! Forbid it, ye divinities, who preside over the exquisite gravy; but the word is too coarse. Let it pass. SIMm : Sweeting: pleasures of the Gastronomist. Not fried! The flavour of the fire is HarvBY : Prosser-I know ye all! How many a blissful halfprofanation to the pure pellucid mollusc whose very nature is gelatinous hour have I stood in the dingy dimness, the shadowy retirement, of gelidity. Not separated from the shell, heaped in a plate, and be- thy retreat in Maiden-lane, Oh Rule! and but that thou art too vinegared until there is no flavour but that of the fork with which the ready to demand the liquidation of a small account—though it was plump and tempting morsels are disfigured ere they can reach the mouth. eleven and not twelve dozen; so thou must amend thy bill. But for I have tried all these vile innovations, and if it had been possible to this, I say, I would come again, at that time in the evening before the abate my passionate appreciation of the most exquisite of food-ambrosia hungry crew come bustling in from Faust and prepare themselves of Aphrodite !--concentration of Cleopatric richness !—sublimated de- anew for Grindoff and Lothair. To eat oysters with an appetite is glutable pearl !-I might have learned to loathe, and leave the lunch sacrilege. We eat oysters for an appetite: or as the only pure inI love! If there is one man upon whose grave I would willingly cast dulgence of the palate ever yet discovered by civilized man. No. I stones, it would be that of him who invented oyster sauce! Who was will be here before the crowd, since I must needs take them on & he to degrade the daintiest delicacy that can charm mankind into a counter. mere adjunct ?-to stifle the bland beneficence of a bivalve beauty The old stall had its charm. Its very rudeness, so that the fish wife in an ocean of filthy melted butter ? Faugh! I could almost wish handled her knife deftly-was suggestive, for oysters need no artificial that he had been buried in Bunhill-fields, then would his tomb have aids. And then, I think, those women were more confiding. been certainly desecrated! Unless-unless indeed they had piled it high with oyster-shells; and so by ostracism after death reminded the world how sure a penalty attaches to the man who hath no reverence

"Light! More Light!" for the pure and beautiful in nature.

The Select Committee on the Metropolitan Gas Bill have, we are No. To cook an oyster is to turn a diamond into charcoal, than delighted to learn, thrown light upon a subject that sadly wanted which no alchemy can be more illustrative of this utilitarian age. I illumination-London gas! We shall be rather surorised if, after the vow I would sooner pay for my oysters than have them so desecrated as it is the fashion now to treat them, and yet to pay for them I meeting of Parliament next session, we are not enabled to turn off our consider is in itself a kind of desecration, a dragging of mere base and gas—and our gas company—and get a better supply. material considerations into an employment which should be altogether ethereal and above such grossness. Let me, I say, stand with ample

“ There was a Lake from India Came." elbow room, and apart from wretches who cut or fork their oysters, or Now that the Reform question has arrived at something like a settledrench them with the vinegar that hath lain on chilies, or dredge ment, it is to be hoped that the Government, with the Orissa case them with black pepper, or sup and gurgle at them as they eat, or staring them in the face, will direct more of their attention to the spill the liquor down their vests, or wait until a whole dozen are ready Bheels of Hindostan and less to the Beales of Adelphi-terrace. for their indiscriminating maws. Let me stand at a fair counter with its pure marble top, and there calmly and with fine appreciation take each exquisite mouthful from its pearly shell in the moment after it NOTICE.— Now ready, the Twelfth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being hath been revealed by the knife of the honest man who opens it.

THE FIFTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES I call him honest who, with one dexterous action, deftly opens the Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, 13. 6d. each. London :- Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hall, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

October 5, 1867.

[graphic][merged small]

HOW THEY SERVED POOR PEACE AT THE GENEVA CONFERENCE.

FROM OUR STALL.

Above Parr. The most exciting and poetical of sensation-plays, " Arrah-na- A REMARKABLE case of longevity has come under our notice. It is Pogue," suffers somewhat from the substitutions attending its on record that “Old Park" attained the great age of 152 years nino revival. MR. G. VIN ING's O'Grady is only pretty good, and MR. months. Far be it from us to make light of so venerable a subject, BROUGHAM'S was perfect. MR. GRESHAM, a clever actor in heavy still we may not be out of place in stating that this

great fact has been business, plays the Sergeant with a terribly coarse kind of humour; completely cast into the shade by an acquaintance of ours-a chandelier the first representative of the character was admirable. Other altera- manufacturer-who has already seen considerably more than thirty tions in the cast have taken place, few of them for the better. MR. lustres, and, we are happy to add, has every prospect of witnessing as and Mrs. BoUCICAULT bave resumed their old parts, and very charm, many more. ingly they play them. MR. DOMINICK MURRAY, who has retouched and intensified Michael Feeny, was called before the curtain two or

Nose-such Thing! three times on the first night of the revival, By the way, the author has very judiciously substituted the "Shan Van Voght" for the "Wearin' Roman nose with strong religious tendencies.” Poor thing! She will

A LADY advertises in a New York paper for a husband "having a of the Green.” The treason of the former song is comparatively mild, never meet with

the object of her desires. A nose with religious tenand therefore less likely to stimulate the Fenians in the gallery to go dencies would of course turn up—which is a feat no nose of the Roman into the streets and commit murder. The pretty and comfortahle Prince of Wales's has been re-opened

type could possibly achieve. with “ Caste," wbich seemed to have got its second breath and gone in for another "spurt. Mrs. Loigu MURRAY is now playing the part

Get Along with yer Barry! originally given to Miss LARKIN.

We understand that efforts are being made to refer the great MR. Cave, the mapager of the Marylebone Theatre, has just entered "running down" case- ProN e. Barry-to arbitration. For the into the command of the Victoria. The house has been thoroughly credit of both parties, we shall be glad to hear that this arrangement cleaned, and everything about it looks very nice. A noticeable change has been carried into effect. has taken place in the behaviour of the “gods," who now listen soberly and sensibly to the pieces, instead of hooting, whistling, and fighting

An Artistic Wager. throughout the livelong performance. This improvement has been brougnt about by largo placards, pasted against the gallery walls,

The papers state that a largo bed of paint of various colours and of which threaten instant expulsion in case of disturbance. We admire superior quality has just been discovered in Michigan ; it is said to be Mr. Cave's vigorous measures; he evidently knows bow to deal with three miles in length. An artist of our acquaintance declares that he a transpontine audience. The pieces at present on the Victoria bills will “lay his palette" there's no truth in the report. are a melodrama called “The Sin of & Life," and the comic drama “Giralda,” which are very respectably played. MR. Lewis Nanton,

Literary. who seems the favourite, is an actor who will make a name.

Sir ROWLAND Hill is writing a history of penny postage. We

hear he has got well a-head with it, but we do not know whether it The PATRON SAINT OF ENTOMOLOGISTS.—Good St. Antennæ. will be issued in penny numbers, stamped.

VOL. VI.

[ocr errors]

PAIN AND TRAVEL.

By A. C. Sw*NB*RNE.
ERPETUAL swaying of steamers,

Oh, terrible tumble of tides-
More dear than the drowsing of dreamers,

Who ramble by rustic road-sides !
Oh, lips that are pale with the anguish,
Let me see you

again and again ;
They are yours when so seasick they langaish,

Our Lady of Pain !
I gloat on the grins and the groaning,

The torments that torture-not kill:
And music to me is the moaning

Of travellers terribly ill.
A rapture I cannot unravel,

Their throes set a-thrill in my brain :
These—these are my pleasures of travel,

Our Lady of Pain!
And on landing I lose not the longing,

That mingles my manhood with mud :
For the merry musquitos come thronging,
With lips that laugh blithely in blood

:
And fleas, with their kisses that burn me,

Bite till cruel red mouths show the stain-
Into poesy passionate turn me,

Our Lady of Pain!
And the donkeys Egyptian and spiteful

Shall share in the shame of my hymns,
For the jolting that brands the delightful

Dark bruises on delicate limbs.
And the Alps shall be ranked with the asses

For the fracture, the frostbite, the sprain,
And the mangling of flesh in crevasses,

Our Lady of Pain !
And if-leaving me, though, unshattered—

An accident fell should betide,
And the train that I ride in is scattered

In ruin on every side

Dislocations and discolourations, STAAnd gush of bright gore, not in vain

Shall awake in me languid sensations,

Our Lady of Pain !
Thus I roam through the universe vasty,

O'er mountain, vale, meadow, and wood;
And I venerate all that is nasty,

And gird against all that is good;
In the mire my delight is to linger,

Although I to the heights might attain :
But you don't catch me scratching my finger,

Our Lady of Pain !

[graphic]
« PreviousContinue »