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THE RIVAL CURATES.
“To HOPLEY PORTER go,
Your fare I will afford youDeal him a deadly blow
And blessings shall reward you. “But stay-I do not like
Undue assassination, And so, before you strike,
Make this communication : “ I'll give him this one chance
If he'll more gaily bear him, Play croquet, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him.” They went, those Minions two,
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, And told their errand to
The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.
MIST while the poet trolls
Of MR. OLAYTON HOOPER,
And daily sang their praises,
With buttercups and daisies.
And all the sports of Mammon,
He exorcised backgammon.
That spoke of holy gladness;
His shield a tear of sadness. His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled : With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled. “In mildness to abound
My curate's sole design is, In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is !" And HOOPBR, disinclined
His trumpot to be blowing, Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going. A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, And in this shameful way
He spoke to MR. HOOPER: “ You think your fanious name
For mildness can't be shaken, That none can blot your fame
But, HOOPER, you're mistaken ! “ Your mind is not as blank
As that of HOPLEY PORTER Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. “He plays the airy flute,
And looks depressed and blighted, Doves round about him toot,'
And lambkins dance delighted.
“ He labours more than you
At worsted work, and frames it; In old maids' albums, too,
Sticks seaweed-yes, and names it!" The tempter said his say,
Which pierced bim like a needleHe summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle..
Hold liberal opinions :
On week-days they were Minions.
“For years I've longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion: Now that excuse has come
I do it on compulsion!!!" He smoked and winked away
This REVEREND HOPLEY POKTZEThe deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. And HOOPER holds his ground,
In mildness daily growingThey think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.
A la Carte ! A SPECIAL department of the police-office at Moscow is to be established for the collection of photographs of individuals and objects useful to the officers of the law in pursuit of criminals. The Russians have taken the hint from our police van and are about to establish a police carte.
the smallest possible outlay. Well, he is undoubtedly right. He Town Talk.
ought to be able to get a sufficiency of food, good and well cooked,
for about half what he gives now. To judge from the success of cheap BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
eating-houses in Glasgow and elsewhere, he might be fed at about eightSOMB people are never satisfied. MR. ERNEST JONES seems to be one
pence a head, not including the potables. Unluckily, however—as it of that class. At the commencement of the Fenian trials at Man
seems to me—both he and his purveyor want too much for their money. chester he talked a lot of perilous bunkum, tried to interfere with the
Purveyor wishes to deal in that politico-economical virtue, but socially course of justice and bully the bench, and then with a final bluster
detestable crime-the buying of his meat in the cheapest (and nastiest) threw up his brief, to the damage of the clients who had trusted their
market, and the selling of it at the dearest rate. On the other hand, case to him—the damage being not the withdrawal of his advocacy,
Clerk wants to be more than fed for fivepence-he would like clean but the leaving of them without any advocacy at all, be it understood.
table-napkins, an immaculate cloth, a toothpick, and silver forks for For all this he was let off more leniently than he deserved by the
his money. Of course there is a rush for the popular remedy press. But he wasn't happy even then; so he wrote what I dare say
of the day. Some years ago, the popular panacea was brandy he thought a dignified letter to the Telegraph the other day, “drawing
and salt. A short time since it was chlorodyne. Now it is coattention to the fact that prisoners," &c., &c., &c.-- as if his own absurd
operation, and a Co-operative Clerks' Dining room is the proposed conduct had not attracted attention enough to the matter. However,
heal-all. It remains to be seen whether Clericus Britannicus is a only one writer condescended to notice the epistle. I am opposed to
gregarious bird. I think not! The Duke of Blankshire will join a Trades' Unionism, and to that form of it which was described in
company in which ever so many plain Blanks, Esquires, are shareCassell's Magazine the other day as Professional Trades' Unionism;
holders; but whether Clericus with $120 per ann. will consent to cut but I think it is to be regretted that the rules of the Bar cannot visit his tablecloth to suit the measure of Clericus with £50 is a matter of with censure such a freak as that of Mr. Jones at Manchester—a freak
dubiety. that I can only explain by supposing that he fancied a bit of claptrap Parliament, it is rumoured, will assemble early in November. Well, was not a bad line of policy with a view to standing for somewhere
it has plenty to do, so the sooner it meets the better. At present town under the new Reform Bill. I hope and believe that he will prove to continues empty, and the new lamps in Hyde-park can throw no light be mistaken if this is his idea, and that the new electors will not be so upon anything or anybody. easily led.
Railways and railway literature have an interest for everybody now, The Middlesex Sessions have begun again, and I regret to see that and accordingly I found myself the other day reading the directors' “JUDGE PAYNE,” as he is styled (just as people used to talk of “the report on a certain branch in connection with the Great Eastern. I Chief Baron" of the Coal Hole), is still allowed to dispense justice. I have seldom met with so amusing, so lugubrious, so candid a publication. fancied the AUGUSTA MITCHELL case would be the "tail piece"-to “ Your directors regret to announce that they have little of a cheering borrow one of his own terms-of his active judicial career.
nature to lay before the present meeting”-and then they unfold “a The British Clerk has been making himself heard this recess. He norrible tale," disclosing how “the unsatisfactory position" of the proclaims with the tongues of a Hydra that he wants a good dinner at Great Eastern has kept the branch's traffic in nearly a stationary
position. Poor thing, fancy the anomaly of a stationary traffic! The next
DOUBLE ACROSTIC. bit of comfort is that nearly five hundred and fifty pounds must be got
No. 32. somehow to pay the G. E. Co.; that the branch company, having been pressed by creditors, has had a receiver appointed, and that the deben
Who wrote it's the question we all of us ask, ture interest has not been met "a circumstance which the directors Though the author's been terribly taken to task. very much regret !" The remedy proposed is to try to induce the Have savage reviewers been wasting their blamo, G. E. Ço. to “better develop" the traffic-the returns of which
On a shadowy person with only a name ? cheeringly show an improvement in the last month or 80. Finally, the
Though we own that it's shameful so often to trench company has spent nothing for the past half-year-chiefly, it is just For our novels and plays on our neighbours the French possible, because it is “ now totally without funds; the capital account, therefore, remains with very little variation since last report”—with the variation only of zero, that is, I suppose. Such a document is enough
Where the river flows, to sicken people of railway speculation.
'Mid the flow'rs and grasses, To clear off the mags.:- London Society has some very good pictures
With her scarlet hose this month-but with some very poor ones to keep up the average. “ Thumbnail Studies" are good, but want better printing. One of the
Emmelinda passes. best of the small engravings is that to “Mr. Felix in the Stubble,"
Something comes that way, by MR. GODDARD, who should put his initials plainly to his work, lest
And on ferns and mosses,
The fair KUNIGUNDA HOCHSWILLER, PINWELL'8 illustration to “Guild Court." The Argosy comes without
We read, had both learning and art, a cut, and is scarcely as good as usual. There is a smack of amateurish
And, better, she boasted some siller, ness about some of the papers that I regret to see-as an instance, take
But still quite untouched was her heart. “Something About a Carousel," in which the writer says, "Merely
A most egotistioal lady knocked the ring, causing the same to drop on the ground, and an
She was, though a beautiful miss, oath to drop from the equestrian's lips, if he happened to have that
And each lover's prospects were shadys weakness." What weakness ? Lips? The Sunday Magazine com
In German she chatter'd of this. mences a new volume with great promise. An improved wrapper and a greater number of illustrations are among some of the fresh features. The “ Seaboard Parish” is charmingly illustrated. A paper on "The
He holds a potent station, Flight of Birds," by the DUKE OF ARGYLL, is most interesting, though
In many a congregation. the style is a little jerky at times. “Musings in a Yorkshire Valley" is in very bad taste as far as concerns the mention of the BRONTEs, but “goody'' people don't consider taste a Christian grace, I fancy. “On
Useful in case of a Fenian uprising, Fire about it," by the Rev. W. ARNOT, is not, as might appear at
This of a Yankee's ingenious devising: first sight, an article on Arnor's stoves. The Gardener's Magazine
Very effective in case of a riot, and Le Follet appeal to their respective publics as admirably as usual,
If the marauders declined to be quiet. and Routledge's Magazine for Boys maintains its position as the best boys'
5. magazine published.
Since the time that it pluckily gallop'd away,
There was ne'er a more wonderful sight:
And yet though it's dead, there are wise men who say, knew nothing of its contents, and that their imprint appeared on it
It was seen for some hours t'other night. without their consent. Altogether, the book appears to be one of the most impudent things of the day. I noticed some very charming verses in this month's Belgravia®with
ANSWER TO AOROSTIC No. 30, the signature 0. S. O., and conjectured that they were by MR. CALVERLEY. It was a bad shot, for they are the initials of a littératur
Eat of longer standing, MR. CHARLES SMITH CHELTNAM.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 30, RRORIVED OCTOBER 9TH :-Laura G.
Valentine : Merry Andrew; D. E. H.; Polar; Gyp; Row, Ruby; Xarifa ; Crathes ; as a king:
St. Leonard's ; Peri; Peminer.
Boning an Appointment.
K188ING goes by favour, and even our civic dignitaries are not abov.
copying tho mild jobbery which used to be the chief charm of Governe Che. British Empire,
ment appointments. In old days it was not impossible for a child to be
made a superannuated postman (and receive the pension of the office) WITI ITS COLONIES AND FOREIGN POSSESSIONS
in his cradle. Some of the Common Council want to perpetrate some(COMPILED 710X OYTICIAL RITUANS),
thing of the same sort. The respected keeper of Guildhall being VERY RESPEOTFULLY DEDICATED,
about to retire, his office should in all justice and propriety pass to his second in command, MR. HARLAND, who has for the last eleven years been practically the resident keeper in MR. TEMPLB's absence. But
the post (with the salary attached) has set the mouths of some of the CHARLES A. COKE.
Council watering for it, and they are trying to carry it away from MR.
HARLAND, and prevent his well-earned promotion, and the consequent We don't know whether MR. Coke is related to KING COLE of Ken
promotion of other officials under him. Fortunately, the standing sington. If he is, we are less surprised at his regal munificence, for
orders, which forbid a member of the Court to be a candidate for one our South Kensington sovereign has for a long time been accustomed
of the Courts' offices, ought to disqualify the principal applicant. It to do as he chooses with the national property.
remains to be seen whether the Council will descend to the job, and by
evading the orders proclaim their adherence to the maxim, nil nisi To be Digested at Leisure.
Bone-um. One of those foolhardy freaks, in which people who ought to know better will occasionally indulge, occurred the other evening. A gen
Too Good to be True. tleman, before retiring to rest, had the imprudence to swallow a nightcap. “It's an ill wind that blows nobody good.” If we may credit an On inquiring at his residence we learn that he is as well as indeed, informant, the wintry blasts we have lately experienced have made the better than might have been expected.
very teeth of the unfortunate inmates of the Dumb Asylum-chatter.
HIS MOST OBEDIENT,
The notion that the law allows
THE WORKHOUSE HORSE. “HOLIDAY FOR WORKHOUSE HORSE.-The Visiting Committee recommended that the workhouse horse be sent to grass for six weeks. It appeared that not only had the poor horse been over worked, but there was reason for believing it had be-n deprived of its proper amount of food. The recommendation was adopted.” - Vide Marylebone Mercury.
THE Visiting Committee kind
Rhyme—and Reason ? That admirable paper, the Clerkenwell News, has relieved our mind of a terrible weight. Taking a retrospect of the literature of the past year, we were shocked to discover that nothing worthy of the name of poetry had appeared in the last twelve months. We had just come to the conclusion that the Muses had deserted England, when, happening to take up our C. N., as we invariably do when we need some new and thrilling sensation, we had our attention arrested, not to say forcibly taken into custody, by this startling announcement:
RHYME! RHYME! RHYME! To Lovers and others.-Verses (original), on any subject, composed and forwarded 1 by post on receipt of as many stamps as lines required.
Squibs and Trade Circulars at reasonable charges. “Poeta," etc. The true poet reveals himself in the first few words. How exhaustive is the appeal “To Lovers and others !” Of course, all who are not “ lovers" are merely “others.” Long may they remain so! Long may every votary of Cupid be able to say to the contemner of the passion, “Sir, you are an-other!” And then how business-like, and therefore poetical, is the plain Saxon promise of poems at a penoy-a-line. Squibs at reasonable charges, indeed! We don't know what is the proper charge for exploding a equib; but we protest against the use of the word “squib" to describe the coruscations of mind, the iridescence of intellect, the gyrations of genius to which we look forward when “Poeta" "shall return us the quid pro quo for our sixpenn'orth of Queen's heads!
Not by Hook. We are in a position to state that in commemoration of the late Pan-Anglican Sy-nod's-as-good-as-a-wink, the episcopal palace on the banks of the Thames will in future be known as Crook-haven.