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says, “Why ever did they let her flounder, as couldn't have knowed MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.

’ow to swim proper.” “Ah," he says, “it were a iceberg." I says, How SHE CAME TO GO THERE.

“Why not get out of the way po! He says, “ Bless you, they're as big (Continued from our last.)

as Great Britain, and is miles under water, and in a fog you're on 'em

in a instant." 'AD no patience with While he was a-talkin', it were a-gettin' rather foggy, as made me that party as 'ad feel queer for the instant; but he went on a-talkin' about all dangers took my bed, for, of the sea till at last I says, “It's no use you're a-goin' on like that, bless you, she'd eat for it won't keep off no dangers, and p’rhaps make 'em worse, if they 'ot ducks and pickles should come." I should have been werry dull but for some of the with onions and fried hofficers as were that pleasant through bein' beknown to BROWN; and 'am, to say nothink I must say as they made me a drink as did more for to get over seaof fruit and wege sickness than anythink; and one or two of 'em was sweet pretty tables, and all in 'er singers, and would sing of a night like the birds on the trees, though berth; and when she 'ard work, through a thick fog with the whistle a-yellin' every come on deck, want min'it. I don't think as ever I were more glad for anythink than ed every one for to when they said as we should be in next day, though the missionary wait on 'er.

said as there was great risks; “But," ho says, “my mind is I ain't got nothink made up." to say agin that “Well," I says, “I don't know nothink about your mind; but your steamer in fine wea- | body's well prowided with food let come what may;" for that man ther; and as to the downright gorged at every meal, and brought such lots of wittles to capting, he were con- his wife, a ugly-lookin' thing, that it's a wonder she wasn't sick even stant smiles, and on dry land. when I asked 'im if We hadn't been none on us werry sociable all the woyage, but the there was any dan- last mornin' we was all like brothers and sisters, and I'm sure lots was gers, only said as he that civil, a-sayin' as they'd be proud for to see me in 'Merryker. It was sure of fine certingly is a noble spot that 'Merryker, and the way as they brought weather with me that big steamer 'longside the wharf was wonderful; but it was dreadaboard; but, bless ful work gettin' ashore, and as I were a-goin' to 'urry down the 'is 'art, he were gangway, as they calls it, and if they didn't say to me, “Stand out of wrong, for that the way for the males !” I says, “ I always thought it were manners werry night it took to let ladies go fust; but never mind!” but they shoved me on one side, to blowin' like mad, and rushed ashore with a lot of bags as were the letters. I was that and if that under- scrouged on that deck that I watched my opportunity, and tho' I was neath woman didn't reg'lar loaded with two bags and a bandbox, I made a rush for to get 'owl like a lunatic, down that plank, and some one come behind me with a large sack and a-sayin' as we should sent me a-flyin' down it, and if a man 'adn't ketched me I should 'ave be blowed into hice pitched 'ead foremost on to 'Merryker, and a nice dirty place, too, with and perish, or be coal dust over your ankles, and me dressed genteel for landin' in a nice lost in a fog, as sure barege, a light blue with a pink stripe, and a white silk shawl as 'ad enough it did come cleaned equal to now. I'adn't 'ardly got on my feet when a party

on werry thick, and stops me and says, “Don't come here-go back.” So I did, but I says, CONG TA

they were a-blowin' “Let me put down my parcels," and jest as I was a-speakin' I got a

a whistle like mad blow from behind as sent mé a-kneelin' on my bandbox and reg'lar nearly all night, as is fearful for to 'ear, and at last I couldn't squashed it. So I says “'Elp!” and if another thing didn't come stand it no longer, so thought as I'd get out of bed and see what was slap on my back! Says a man, “What are you standin' 'ere for, jest a-goin' on. I’ung on as well as I could with my arms, a-kickin' in the way of the luggage ?" and up he pulls me, and sure enough I about my feet for to rest 'em on the side of the under bed. Well, was a-standin' at the bottom of a slidin' plank as they was a-slippin' jest then the wessel give a lurch as sent me nearly a-flyin, but I 'eld everythink down. I've felt 'eat in my time, thro' 'avin' often and on and put my foot down with all my force as come agin something often stood a whole day ironin' in July, let alone preservin', as is 'ot soft as proved to be that woman's face as were a-layin' close agin the work ; but never did I feel anythink like 'Merryker for 'eat, hedge of the berth for fresh air. She give sich a shriek as made me and no wonder so many on 'em 'ave turned black, as must be reg'lar let go, and sent me a-flyin' out of the door agin the stewardess as burnt up. were a-comin' in to see what was up, as I took for some one else, and If I set one minit on a packin'-case, a-runnin' down with 'eat jest in my fright'ollers “Fire!" thro' 'avin' been told as it is safest to call, agin a steam-engine as were like a furnace to my back, I must 'ave as brings every one to the spot, as p'raps "Murder" might keep set there two 'ours a-waiting for BROWN, as come at last, and blowed away.

me up for bein' in such a 'urry to get ashore, as 'ad stopped and 'ad It certingly did bring 'em all out of their berths in a jiffey, and you 'is lunch there in comfort, and me a-droppin' for somethink. I didn't never see sich a sight, and the way as they made a downright thoro'fare see no 'Merryking about, but only all English, as were werry.perlite; of me, as were laying in the passage, as were that narrer as pass they so I says to BROWN, “Where is the natives?" "Why," he says, couldn't. If you'd 'eard the names as them passengers called me, as “all round you, to be sure.” “What!” I says, “ain't they wild stupid old fool was nothink to, you'd ’ave said as I did, that if there Injins ?" He says, “No, not all; but here's a savage as says he was real fire you'd never give no alarm. I was most 'urt at BROWN as knows you." And I turned round, and if there wasn't my Jos as I never took it up, though a party come up on deck the next day and says know'd in a-instant, tho' grown stout. I see the tears in his eyes as to' im, with me a-sittin' by, “Did you hear the row as some old ass of a he said, “Mother, I never thought to see you here.” I says, “Thank woman kicked up last night with a alarm of fire ?" and if BROWN, GOD as I've lived to see you again, my boy.” He says, “Come though he know'd 'twas me as 'ad done it, never took it up, but I was along," he says, and he leads me away, and I couldn't 'elp a few a-goin' to, only jest then they was a 'eavin' of the log as they calls it, tears at meetin' that dear boy agin. and the capting were a-lookin' through a thing as looked like a bit broke off a wheel. I says to a party, “What is he up to ?” “A-taking 'is obserwations," says he. I says, “Oh, indeed,” and see 'im a-lookin'

News of the World-For the World. 'ard at me. So I says, “I'ope he won't make none of his obserwations

Fame, it is only too well known, is not warranted to last for ever; to me, as 'ave 'ad quite enough of 'em as is werry uncalled for, I con

but twenty years or so is a very short lease of immortality. We siders." Law! it was dull work aboard that wessel, as I says to one lady,

should have been inclined to think that the author of the “Bridge of “I wonder they don't stop somewheres on the way, as would break the

Sighs" might have counted on being remembered for at least twice that

term. Imagine our surprise, then, to meet with the following paragraph monotony. " Ah," she says, “there's always danger along the coast

in the leading article of The News of the World !of goin' áshore. “Owin,'' Í says, “no doubt to them sailors, as when they gets ashore will get a-drinkin' in low company, but," I says,

“The man in your custody is simply an unfortunate person, unfortunate in

having the finger of suspicion directed against him; therefore take him up tenderly, “you might trust me ashore or any steady character.”

as the poet Longfellow singeth, and treat him (as another authority adviseih We was a-chattin' away when her 'usband come up as were some anglers with regard to the fish upon their hook) as though you loved bim.” sort of missionary, and says, “It's about this werry spot as the Sarah Won't some enterprising publisher engage the editor of the N. of the W. Ann is supposed to ’ave floundered, and every soul aboard perished.” I to superintend the production of a new edition of the Poets ?

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OUR LIBRARY TABLE.

SONG FOR OCTOBER. WB hereby present our thanks to MBSSRS. ROUTLEDGE for giving to

O WHERB are the people, can any one tell, the British public one of the funniest books that we have met with for

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? a long time. The Celebrated Jumping Frog, by MARK TWAIN. The

They were all here in August I know very wellauthor is an American, and was, we believe, the editor of a paper

And I am left all alone.

panni? called The Californian, in which many of the stories in the present

This London they love whilst PAULINE Luocafsings, volume appeared. “MARK TWAIN" is, of course, a nom de plume, like

But the First of September the shooting time brings, ARTEMUS WARD or ORPHBUS C. KERR, for these American humourists

And the partridges wish they had two pair of wingsseem shy of coming before the public with their real names, and

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? prefer to assume fanciful soubriquets. The first story in this little book

By Jove, when they're roasted they're rather good things, is “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," which

And I am left all alone! belonged to a certain JIM SMILEY, & gentleman remarkable for his propensity to bet upon anything and everything. The frog's name

Whenever I go in the Park for a ride, was “DAN'L WEBSTER," and, though a wonderful jumper, we read,

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? “ You never see a frog more modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for

There's nothing but snobs to be seen on each side, all he was so gifted." How SMILEY bet on him and how poor Dan'l

And I am left all alone. was the victim of the most shameful foul play the reader must find out

How to finish my evenings I'm sure I don't know; for himself, the story is too long to tell here, and too good to spoil by

The theatres are empty, the music balls slow. curtailment. "AURELIA'S Unfortunate Young Man" is equally good,

There's Evans's, truly, a chop and a "go"and the item which the editor himself couldn't understand is a most

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? delicious piece of mystification. In several of the sketches we get a

Cremorne and my funds are both getting so low, charming insight into American usages. We are told, for instance,

And I am left all alone! that young “bucks and heifers" always come it strong on panoramas

And when on the subject I come to reflect, because it " gives them a chance of tasting one another's mugs in the

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? dark.” Our readers will hardly recognise the seductive process of

An autumn in London is quite incorrect, osculation in this expression. We learn also some facts about the

And I am left all alone. dress of our fair cousins across the Atlantic, with which we are ashamed

But I think I've found out a most excellent way to say we were previously unacquainted. A young lady's attire at a

To get out of town, tho' yet in it to stay ; ball is thus described :

And I've just got five pounds the expenses to pay"Miss R. P., with that repugnance to ostentation in dress which is 80 peculiar to

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? I, was attired in a simple wbite lace collar, fastened with a neat pearl button

The Greenwich boat leaves each half-hour of the day, solitaire. The fine contrast between the sparkling vivacity of her natural optic and the steadfast attentiveness of her placid glass eye, was the subject of general

And I'll be no longer alone ! and enthusiastic remark.”

There are no misspellings, no contortions of words in MARK SWAIN; his fun is entirely dependent upon the inherent humour in his writings.

Going, a Sacrifice! And although many jokers have sent us brochures like the present from

We fancy the old adage, “If you want anything done, do it your. the other side of the Atlantic, we have had no book fuller of more

self," is the only possible answer the following advertisement can be genuine or more genial fun than the “Celebrated Jumping Frog."

expected to receive :Onr advice to our readers, therefore, is immediately to invest a shilling SERVANT-OF-ALL-WORK WANTED for a Widow Lady and her Daughter, in

a small cottage 13 miles from London. She must be honest, truthful, active, in it, and over a pipe and what Mr. Swiveller called a “modest

civil, clean, and an early riser. Wages £3 a year. Address, stating name and quencher," to sit down and have the hearty laugh that we can promise address of last mistress, Miss B- , C- , Surrey. them from its perusal.

If the widow lady and her daughter cannot afford more than three

pounds a year for such a model servant, we think they had better A Flat-tering Tale.

undertake the place between them. Honesty, truth, activity, civility, That estimable person NICHOLAS, whom (on the well-known and

cleanliness, and early-rising all expected at somewhere about a penny established principle of setting a-prophet-to catch a-well, never

three farthings a day! Come, we'll be generous--we don't mind mind-what) we have in these columns more than once allowed to

engaging the lot at three farthings a-head per diem, and shall think denounce swindling prospectuses, seems to have put the fraternity on

we have made a very keen bargain then! their guard. At any rate, if our reading of the following advertisement be right, its author has felt it necessary to couch it in guarded language to ensure its admission into the columns of our respectable

Answers to Correspondents. contemporary, the Atheneum : DARTNER WANTED, to work a valuable PATENT (not yet before the Public) [We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied P for facilitating taking money off FLAT surfaces at Railways, Public houses, by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communicaShops, &c., and of almost universal applicability. Only a small outlay required, in combination with energy and perseverance.-Apply, by letter, to PATENTER, etc.

tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]

W. A. C. (Brighton.)-You're not so funny as our old friend, W.A.C. Oh! a patent for getting money off flat surfaces is one of almost

folderiddle liddle! universal applicability, is it? Railways, public-houses, and shops, F. J. P. (Yeovil.)-Not good enough for the sequel to our joke; we however, are, it would seem, the places where flats are chiefly caught! I don't think it's (@equally funny. A small outlay and combination! Conspiracy would be more like the W. W. (Liverpool.) — We are fully supplied with the article. word, perhaps! And all this is artfully concealed under the guise of F. A. (Barnsbury.)–Our correspondence is large; you must wait your an invention for enabling that large majority of mankind and woman- turn, but the chances are you have been answered long since. kind (especially the latter) that will wear Berlin gloves to pick up J. C.-It all depends upon their merit. coppers off a shiny counter ! How artful!

W. P. (Buckingham-gate.)- The pieces you call "filling-up pieoes”

want filling up sadly; there's nothing in them. Perhaps.

S.-How could you write such a line as

"To we weary ones to rest”? A CORRESPONDENT, come astray probably from Notes and Queries, It's enough to disturb the rest of Lindley Murray in his grave. writes to ask whether the Nore is so called because on passing it one J. C. Ř. (Ireland.)-We fear you cannot assist us. feels the first approach of Nore-sëa.

C. A. L. E. P. (Colchester.) - We do not see your drift.

BEN ALLAH.-Perhaps they will be republished.
Joke v. Jest.

TWIDDLE.-Twaddle!

R. W. (Bedford-street.)- If that really is your first attempt, it is so A FRIEND of ours being detected in a violent cough the other day, creditable that you had better let it be the last, too! was asked if it was his chest; he replied, it was only a choke.

Declined with thanks :-H. L. H.; Lancashire; Polar; T. K., Walsall; H. B.; P. Q. R.; H. R. K.; J. M., Tredegar; C. H., Nelson-square

H. B. s., Streatfield-road; Á. B.; . D.; F. H., Manchester; W. c. A C-filat.

Bedford-street; Forty Two; R. Cornwall-road; Novice; s. s. s. s., BINKS, who is a very poor sailor as well as a poor scholar, says that

Brighton; T. R., Navan; J. V., Junior; Schoolboy, Norwood; J. T. they may call the land a terror firmer, but he thinks the sea “by fur. Hereford; A. J. R., Northampton; A. B., Shrewsbury; S., Dublin; M.D., more-terrible.

Dover; Reader, Great Queen-street; J. McJ., Glasgow; J. M.; J. G.D.,

Bishopgate-street; E.J. F., New Cross; N. E. K.; C.D., King WilliamCOLD WITHOUT.-How to take a glass of water. Con spirito. street.

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DETUR PULCHRIORI.
“It is said that at the close of the Exhibition, Paris offers a
prize of a pair of ear-rings, worth 600,000 francs (about £24,000),
to be awarded to the fairest of the fair.'”—Echoes from the Clubs.
We have studied in classical fables —

Vide LEMPRIBRE passim and SMITH-
How Juno, in turning the tables

On Venus's kin and her kith,
Made a vow for revenge of Mount Ide,

Where an elegant youth—as we're told-
Called Paris, was asked to decide a

Dispute for an apple of gold.
Young Paris, the shepherd, was frisky,

And went in for love like a boy,
Never dreaming his choice might be risky

And hardest of lines for old Troy.
Never thinking ATHENA would grieve it,

Or Hera reap vengeance from pain;
And now you will hardly believe it

Young Paris is at it again!
Some goddess of discord or folly

Fair women has set by the ears,
And the city, once happy and jolly,

Will be given to tongues and to tears.
For if the competitors wrangle,

Or sneer, snarl, or worry, or fuss,
Oh! who would the claims disentangle

Which Paris will have to discuss ?

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There are noses like pug-dogs and parrots,

And skins like the dirt and the snow,
And hair with the gleam of young carrots,

Or sbeeny with gloss of a crow.
There are some who like thin lips-poor creatures-

And some, lips 80 poutingly full,
Wilt test all their mouths and their features ?

Then Paris, my boy, you've the pull!
If the claims of the fat and the bony

They called upon him to decide,
I'd sooner have died with ÆNONB

Than fought before Troy for a bride.
But if with the lovely and witty,

The judge sits in pleasure and peace,
I'd sooner be Paris the city

Than Paris the shepherd of Greeco !

"SHAMPOOING CHARLIE WAS HIS NAME." Hairdresser :-“ WELL, MY LITTLE GENTLEMAN, AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR CUT ?

Charlie :-“ OH, LIKE PAPA'S, PLEASE—WITH A LITTLE ROUND HOLE AT THE TOP."

[Unutterable bliss of parent who sits within hearing.

MR. H. J. Byron's " William Tell” will no doubt fill the Strand FROM OUR STALL.

for somo time to come. It is full of fun, and the music is carefully The author of “ Ours" and “ Caste” has fairly earned the reputa- and cleverly selected. MR. O. Fentox deserves to bo singled out for tion of being our most polished and least conventional comedy-writer. separate praise ; his performance of Sarnem is intensely humorous-a He gives us dialogue that is natural; his conversations are made effec- true bit of burlesque acting. tive by their fitness as much as by their brilliancy. He possesses the

The Adelphi is re-decorated! It really looks very nico-very nice rare art of raising a laugh-of drawing a tear sometimes—by the indeed! And MR. WEBSTER is playing Triplet again, as admirably as simplest means. MR. ROBERTSON's forte is pure comedy; the atmo- ever, in “ Masks and Faces." MRB. MELLON plays Peg Woffington, sphere of drama disagrees with him. We rather doubt whether | but not as admirably as ever; she has grown too loud and overwhelm. exciting situations can be represented properly apart from a little clap- ing-her gestures are exaggerated. We look forward with eagerness trap; it is a perilous experiment to throw stage tradition overboard to the production of a new piece under the altered management of this altogether. It was probably is—a noble commonplace way that the theatre. brave soldiers on board the Birkenhead formed in line and sunk. The sea and sky were the only witnesses, and there was no acting to them. When is it desirable to be on the sick list ?—When one is "laid up" But in putting such an incident on the stage, things are not to be done -in lavender. in the matter-of-fact manner. The audience wants a deal of talk about heroism, love of country, wives and families, et cetera. MR. RobertSON has not appreciated this dreadful necessity-or else he has defied it.

NOTICE.On November the 4th, price Twopence, The stage-management has done everything in its power to spoil the

FUN ALMANACK, shipwreck scene; but not from the author's fault-an attempt to be Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by natural. The vessel is a decent-sized yacht in the second act-and in the DALZIEL BROTHERS. the first it was a ship of at least fifteen hundred tons. The supers, too-a melancholy half dozen-are of the Adelphi pattern, and spoil | NOTICE.-Now ready, price 1s., and may be obtained at the Fox Office, Lacy's every scene into which they are introduced. The performance of Theatrical Warehouse, and all booksellers, “ For Love" is hardly up to our expectation. Miss HENRADE is un

ROBINSON CRUSOE; impassioned, and MR. PRICB-usually so effective-plays coldly, and

OR, THE Injux BRIDE AND TID INJURAD WIFE... renders more obvious the comparative weakness of the last act. MR. MONTAGUE, R8. STEPHENS, and M188 JENNY WILLMORB, are good : | A Burlesque by H. J. Byron, W. S. Gilbert, T. Hood, H. S. Leigh, Arthur Sketchley, but the best bit of acting in the piece is that of MR. CUMMING, who

and “Nicholas." plays a small part admirably. Though the drama contains plenty of

Perlormod at Theatre Royal Haymarket, or Baturday, July oth. writing that no dramatist but MR. ROBERTSON could have given us, we

N.B.-The proceeds of the sale will be added to the land for the benefit of the cannot say that it is one of that gentleman's artistic successes.

widowed mother of the late Paul Gray.

LONDOx : Printed by JUDD & GLANS, Phamis Works, St. Andrew's Aliu, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Moorstrook, L.Com

Datober 19, 1861.

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