MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA. How SHE CAME TO GO THERE. 'AD no patience with that party as 'ad took my bed, for, bless you, she'd eat 'ot ducks and pickles with onions and fried 'am, to say nothink of fruit and wegetables, and all in 'er berth; and when she come on deck, wanted every one for to wait on 'er. I ain't got nothink to say agin that steamer in fine weather; and as to the capting, he were constant smiles, and when I asked 'im if there was any dangers, only said as he was sure of fine weather with me aboard; but, bless 'is 'art, he were wrong, for that werry night it took to blowin' like mad, and if that underneath woman didn't 'owl like a lunatic, a-sayin' as we should be blowed into hice and perish, or be lost in a fog, as sure enough it did come on werry thick, and they were a-blowin' a whistle like mad nearly all night, as is fearful for to 'ear, and at last I couldn't stand it no longer, so thought as I'd get out of bed and see what was a-goin' on. I 'ung on as well as I could with my arms, a-kickin' about my feet for to rest 'em on the side of the under bed. Well, jest then the wessel give a lurch as sent me nearly a-flyin, but I 'eld on and put my foot down with all my force as come agin something soft as proved to be that woman's face as were a-layin' close agin the hedge of the berth for fresh air. She give sich a shriek as made me let go, and sent me a-flyin' out of the door agin the stewardess as were a-comin' in to see what was up, as I took for some one else, and in my fright 'ollers "Fire!" thro' 'avin' been told as it is safest to call, as brings every one to the spot, as p'raps "Murder" might keep away. It certingly did bring 'em all out of their berths in a jiffey, and you never see sich a sight, and the way as they made a downright thoro'fare of me, as were laying in the passage, as were that narrer as pass they couldn't. If you'd 'eard the names as them passengers called me, as stupid old fool was nothink to, you'd 'ave said as I did, that if there was real fire you'd never give no alarm. I was most 'urt at BROWN as never took it up, though a party come up on deck the next day and says to' im, with me a-sittin' by, "Did you hear the row as some old ass of a woman kicked up last night with a alarm of fire ?" and if BROWN, though he know'd 'twas me as 'ad done it, never took it up, but I was a-goin' to, only jest then they was a 'eavin' of the log as they calls it, and the capting were a-lookin' through a thing as looked like a bit broke off a wheel. I says to a party, "What is he up to?" "A-taking 'is obserwations," says he. I says, "Oh, indeed," and see 'im a-lookin' 'ard at me. So I says, "I'ope he won't make none of his obserwations to me, as 'ave 'ad quite enough of 'em as is werry uncalled for, I con siders." Law! it was dull work aboard that wessel, as I says to one lady, "I wonder they don't stop somewheres on the way, as would break the monotony. "Ah," she says, "there's always danger along the coast of goin' ashore. "Owin," I says, "no doubt to them sailors, as when they gets ashore will get a-drinkin' in low company, but," I says, "you might trust me ashore or any steady character." We was a-chattin' away when her 'usband come up as were some sert of missionary, and says, "It's about this werry spot as the Sarah Ann is supposed to 'ave floundered, and every soul aboard perished." I says, "Why ever did they let her flounder, as couldn't have knowed 'ow to swim proper." "Ah," he says, "it were a iceberg." I says, "Why not get out of the way ?" He says, "Bless you, they're as big as Great Britain, and is miles under water, and in a fog you're on 'em in a instant." While he was a-talkin', it were a-gettin' rather foggy, as made me feel queer for the instant; but he went on a-talkin' about all dangers of the sea till at last I says, "It's no use you're a-goin' on like that, for it won't keep off no dangers, and p'rhaps make 'em worse, if they should come." I should have been werry dull but for some of the hofficers as were that pleasant through bein' beknown to BROWN; and I must say as they made me a drink as did more for to get over seasickness than anythink; and one or two of 'em was sweet pretty singers, and would sing of a night like the birds on the trees, though 'ard work, through a thick fog with the whistle a-yellin' every min'it. I don't think as ever I were more glad for anythink than when they said as we should be in next day, though the missionary said as there was great risks; "But," he says, "my mind is made up." "Well," I says, "I don't know nothink about your mind; but your body's well prowided with food let come what may;" for that man downright gorged at every meal, and brought such lots of wittles to his wife, a ugly-lookin' thing, that it's a wonder she wasn't sick even on dry land. We hadn't been none on us werry sociable all the woyage, but the last mornin' we was all like brothers and sisters, and I'm sure lots was that civil, a-sayin' as they'd be proud for to see me in 'Merryker. It certingly is a noble spot that 'Merryker, and the way as they brought that big steamer 'longside the wharf was wonderful; but it was dreadful work gettin' ashore, and as I were a-goin' to 'urry down the gangway, as they calls it, and if they didn't say to me, "Stand out of the way for the males! I says, "I always thought it were manners to let ladies go fust; but never mind!" but they shoved me on one side, and rushed ashore with a lot of bags as were the letters. I was that scrouged on that deck that I watched my opportunity, and tho' I was reg'lar loaded with two bags and a bandbox, I made a rush for to get down that plank, and some one come behind me with a large sack and sent me a-flyin' down it, and if a man 'adn't ketched me I should 'ave pitched 'ead foremost on to 'Merryker, and a nice dirty place, too, with coal dust over your ankles, and me dressed genteel for landin' in a nice barege, a light blue with a pink stripe, and a white silk shawl as 'ad cleaned equal to new. I'adn't 'ardly got on my feet when a party stops me and says, "Don't come here-go back." So I did, but I says, "Let me put down my parcels," and jest as I was a-speakin' I got a blow from behind as sent me a-kneelin' on my bandbox and reg'lar squashed it. So I says "'Elp!" and if another thing didn't come slap on my back! Says a man, "What are you standin' 'ere for, jest in the way of the luggage?" and up he pulls me, and sure enough I was a-standin' at the bottom of a slidin' plank as they was a-slippin' everythink down. I've felt 'eat in my time, thro' 'avin' often and often stood a whole day ironin' in July, let alone preservin', as is 'ot work; but never did I feel anythink like 'Merryker for 'eat, and no wonder so many on 'em 'ave turned black, as must be reg'lar burnt up. 66 If I set one minit on a packin'-case, a-runnin' down with 'eat jest agin a steam-engine as were like a furnace to my back, I must 'ave set there two 'ours a-waiting for BROWN, as come at last, and blowed me up for bein' in such a 'urry to get ashore, as 'ad stopped and 'ad 'is lunch there in comfort, and me a-droppin' for somethink. I didn't see no 'Merrykins about, but only all English, as were werry perlite; so I says to BROWN, "Where is the natives?" Why," he says, "all round you, to be sure." "What!" I says, "ain't they wild Injins ?" He says, "No, not all; but here's a savage as says he knows you." And I turned round, and if there wasn't my Joe as I know'd in a-instant, tho' grown stout. I see the tears in his eyes as he said, "Mother, I never thought to see you here." __I says, "Thank GOD as I've lived to see you again, my boy." He says, along," he says, and he leads me away, and I couldn't'elp a few tears at meetin' that dear boy agin. News of the World-For the World. "Come We but twenty years or so is a very short lease of immortality. FAME, it is only too well known, is not warranted to last for ever; should have been inclined to think that the author of the "Bridge of Sighs" might have counted on being remembered for at least twice that term. Imagine our surprise, then, to meet with the following paragraph in the leading article of The News of the World! having the finger of suspicion directed against him; therefore take him up tenderly, "The man in your custody is simply an unfortunate person, unfortunate in as the poet Longfellow singeth, and treat him (as another authority adviseth anglers with regard to the fish upon their hook) as though you loved him." Won't some enterprising publisher engage the editor of the N. of the W. to superintend the production of a new edition of the Poets? OUR LIBRARY TABLE. We hereby present our thanks to MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE for giving to the British public one of the funniest books that we have met with for a long time The Celebrated Jumping Frog, by MARK TWAIN. The author is an American, and was, we believe, the editor of a paper called The Californian, in which many of the stories in the present volume appeared. "MARK TWAIN" is, of course, a nom de plume, like ARTEMUS WARD OF ORPHEUS C. KERR, for these American humourists seem shy of coming before the public with their real names, and prefer to assume fanciful soubriquets. The first story in this little book 18 The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," which belonged to a certain JIM SMILEY, a gentleman remarkable for his propensity to bet upon anything and everything. The frog's name was "DAN'L WEBSTER," and, though a wonderful jumper, we read, "You never see a frog more modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted." How SMILEY bet on him and how poor DAN'L was the victim of the most shameful foul play the reader must find out for himself, the story is too long to tell here, and too good to spoil by curtailment. "AURELIA'S Unfortunate Young Man" is equally good, and the item which the editor himself couldn't understand is a most delicious piece of mystification. In several of the sketches we get a charming insight into American usages. We are told, for instance, that young "bucks and heifers" always come it strong on panoramas because it "gives them a chance of tasting one another's mugs in the dark." Our readers will hardly recognise the seductive process of osculation in this expression. We learn also some facts about the dress of our fair cousins across the Atlantic, with which we are ashamed to say we were previously unacquainted. A young lady's attire at a ball is thus described : "MISS R. P., with that repugnance to ostentation in dress which is so peculiar to her, was attired in a simple white lace collar, fastened with a neat pearl button solitaire. The fine contrast between the sparkling vivacity of her natural optic and the steadfast attentiveness of her placid glass eye, was the subject of general and enthusiastic remark." There are no misspellings, no contortions of words in MARK SWAIN; his fun is entirely dependent upon the inherent humour in his writings. And although many jokers have sent us brochures like the present from the other side of the Atlantic, we have had no book fuller of more genuine or more genial fun than the "Celebrated Jumping Frog." Onr advice to our readers, therefore, is immediately to invest a shilling in it, and over a pipe and what Mr. Swiveller called a "modest quencher," to sit down and have the hearty laugh that we can promise them from its perusal. A Flat-tering Tale. THAT estimable person NICHOLAS, whom (on the well-known and established principle of setting a-prophet-to catch a-well, nevermind-what) we have in these columns more than once allowed to denounce swindling prospectuses, seems to have put the fraternity on their guard. At any rate, if our reading of the following advertisement be right, its author has felt it necessary to couch it in guarded language to ensure its admission into the columns of our respectable contemporary, the Athenæum :— PARTNER WANTED, to work a valuable PATENT (not yet before the Public) for facilitating taking money off FLAT surfaces at Railways, Public houses, Shops, &c., and of almost universal applicability. Only a small outlay required, in combination with energy and perseverance.-Apply, by letter, to PATENTEE, etc. Oh! a patent for getting money off flat surfaces is one of almost universal applicability, is it? Railways, public-houses, and shops, however, are, it would seem, the places where flats are chiefly caught! A small outlay and combination! Conspiracy would be more like the word, perhaps! And all this is artfully concealed under the guise of an invention for enabling that large majority of mankind and womankind (especially the latter) that will wear Berlin gloves to pick up coppers off a shiny counter! How artful! Perhaps. A CORRESPONDENT, come astray probably from Notes and Queries, writes to ask whether the Nore is so called because on passing it one feels the first approach of Nore-sea. Joke v. Jest. SONG FOR OCTOBER. O WHERE are the people, can any one tell, This London they love whilst PAULINE LUCCAfsings, By Jove, when they're roasted they're rather good things, Whenever I go in the Park for a ride, Where are they gone, where are they gone? How to finish my evenings I'm sure I don't know; Where are they gone, where are they gone? And when on the subject I come to reflect, Where are they gone, where are they gone? But I think I've found out a most excellent way And I've just got five pounds the expenses to pay- The Greenwich boat leaves each half-hour of the day, Going, a Sacrifice! WE fancy the old adage, "If you want anything done, do it yourself," is the only possible answer the following advertisement can be expected to receive:— SERVANT-OF-ALL-WORK WANTED for a Widow Lady and her Daughter, in a small cottage from London. She must be honest, truthful, active, civil, clean, and an early riser. Wages £3 a year. Address, stating name and address of last mistress, Miss B- C, Surrey. If the widow lady and her daughter cannot afford more than three pounds a year for such a model servant, we think they had better undertake the place between them. Honesty, truth, activity, civility, cleanliness, and early-rising all expected at somewhere about a penny three farthings a day! Come, we'll be generous-we don't mind engaging the lot at three farthings a-head per diem, and shall think we have made a very keen bargain then! Answers to Correspondents. [We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or monograms.] W. A. C. (Brighton.)-You're not so funny as our old friend, W.A.C. folderiddle liddle! F. J. P. (Yeovil.)-Not good enough for the sequel to our joke; we don't think it's (sjequally funny. W. W. (Liverpool.)-We are fully supplied with the article. F. A. (Barnsbury.)-Our correspondence is large; you must wait your turn, but the chances are you have been answered long since. J. C.-It all depends upon their merit. W. P. (Buckingham-gate.)-The pieces you call "filling-up pieces" want filling up sadly; there's nothing in them. S.-How could you write such a line as— "To we weary ones to rest"? It's enough to disturb the rest of Lindley Murray in his grave. R. W. (Bedford-street.)-If that really is your first attempt, it is so A FRIEND of ours being detected in a violent cough the other day, creditable that you had better let it be the last, too! was asked if it was his chest; he replied, it was only a choke. Declined with thanks:-H. L. H.; Lancashire; Polar; T. K., Walsall; H. B.; P. Q. R.; H. R. K.; J. M., Tredegar; C. H., Nelson-square; H. B. S., Streatfield-road; A. B.; J. D.; F. H., Manchester; W. C., Brighton; T. R., Navan; J. V., Junior; Schoolboy, Norwood; J. T., Bedford-street; Forty Two; R. Cornwall-road; Novice; S. S. S. S., Hereford; A. J. R., Northampton; A. B., Shrewsbury; S., Dublin; M. D., Dover; Reader, Great Queen-street; J. McJ., Glasgow; J. M.; J. G. D., Bishopgate-street; E. J. F., New Cross; N. É. K.; C. D., King William street. |