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SONG FOR OCTOBER. W3 hereby present our thanks to MB88RS. ROUTLEDGE for giving to

O WHERB are the people, can any one tell, the British public one of the funniest books that we have met with for

Where are they gone, where are they gone? a long time-The Celebrated Jumping Frog, by MARK TWAIN. The

They were all here

in August I know very wellauthor is an American, and was, we believe, the editor of a paper

And I am left all alone. called The Californian, in which many of the stories in the present

This London they love whilst PAULINE Lucca sings, volume appeared. “ MARK TWAIN" is, of course, a nom de plume, like

But the First of September the shooting time brings, ARTEMUS WARD or ORPHBUS C. KERR, for these American humourists

And the partridges wish they had two pair of wingsseem shy of coming before the public with their real names, and

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? prefer to assume fanciful soubriquets. The first story in this little book

By Jove, when they're roasted they're rather good things, is “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," which

And I am left all alone ! belonged to a certain JIM SMILEY, a gentleman remarkable for his propensity to bet upon anything and everything. The frog's name

Whenever I go in the Park for a ride, DAN'L WEBSTER," and, though a wonderful jumper, we read,

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? “You never see a frog more modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for

There's nothing but snobs to be seen on each side,

And I am left all alone. all he was so gifted." How SMILEY bet on him and how poor Dan'l was the victim of the most shameful foul play the reader must find out

How to finish my evenings I'm sure I don't know; for himself, the story is too long to tell here, and too good to spoil by

The theatres are empty, the music balls slow. curtailment. "AURELIA's Unfortunate Young Man” is equally good,

There's Evans’s, truly, a chop and a "go"and the item which the editor himself couldn't understand is a most

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? delicious piece of mystification. In several of the sketches we get a

Cremorne and my funds are both getting so low,

And I am left all alone ! charming insight into American usages. We are told, for instance, that young “bucks and heifers" always come it strong on panoramas

And when on the subject I come to reflect, because it “ gives them a chance of tasting one another's mugs in the

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? dark.” Our readers will hardly recognise the seductive process of

An autumn in London is quite incorrect, osculation in this expression. We learn also some facts about the

And I am left all alone. dress of our fair cousins across the Atlantic, with which we are ashamed

But I think I've found out a most excellent way to say we were previously unacquainted. “A young lady's attire at a

To get out of town, tho' yet in it to stay; ball is thus described :

And I've just got five pounds the expenses to pay"Miss R. P., with that repugnance to ostentation in dress which is so peculiar to

Where are they gone, where are they gone ? her, was attired in a simple wbite lace collar, fastened with a neat pearl button

The Greenwich boat leaves each half-hour of the day, solitaire. The fine contrast between the sparkling vivacity of her natural optic and the steadfast attentiveness of her placid glass eye, was the subject of general

And I'll be no longer alone! and enthusiastic remark.” There are no misspellings, no contortions of words in Mark SWAIN;

Going, a Sacrifice! his fun is entirely dependent upon the inherent humour in his writings. And although many jokers have sent us brochures like the present from

WE fancy the old adage, “ If you want anything done, do it yourthe other side of the Atlantic, we have had no book fuller of more self,” is the only possible answer the following advertisement can be genuine or more genial fun than the “Celebrated Jumping Frog.” expected to receive :Onr advice to our readers, therefore, is immediately to invest a shilling SERVANT-OF-ALL-WORK WANTED for a Widow Lady and her Daughter, in in it, and over a pipe and what Mr. Swiveller called a “ modest civil, clean, and an early riser. Wages £3 a year. Address, stating name and

. She must be honest, truthful, active, quencher," to sit down and have the hearty laugh that we can promise address of last mistress, Miss B

-, Surrey. them from its perusal.

If the widow lady and her daughter cannot afford more than three

pounds a year for such a model servant, we think they had better A Flat-tering Tale.

undertake the place between them. Honesty, truth, activity, civility, That estimable person Nicholas, whom (on the well-known and cleanliness, and early-rising all expected at somewhere about a penny established principle of setting a prophet to catch &--well, never

three farthings a day! Come, we'll be generous—we don't mind mind-what) we have in these columns more than once allowed to engaging the lot at three farthings a-head per diem, and shall think denounce swindling prospectuses, seems to have put the fraternity on

we have made a very keen bargain then! their guard. At any rate, if our reading of the following advertisement be right, its author has felt it necessary to couch it in guarded language to ensure its admission into the columns of our respectable

Answers to Torrespondents. contemporary, the Athenæum :PARTNER WANTED, to work a valuable PATENT (not yet before the Public) (We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied

for facilitating taking money off mat surfaces at Railways, Public houses, by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communicaShops, &c., and of almost universal applicability. Only a small outlay required, in combination with energy and perseverance.-Apply, by letter, to PATENTEB, etc.

tions with illegible signaiures or monograms.] Oh! a patent for getting money off flat surfaces is one of almost

W. A. C. (Brighton.)-You're not so funny as our old friend, W.A.C.

folderiddle liddle! universal applicability, is it? Railways, public-houses, and shops,

F. J. P. (Yeovil.)- Not good enough for the sequel to our joke; we however, are, it would seem, the places where flats are chiefly caught! don't think it's (ejequally funny. A small outlay and combination! Conspiracy would be more like the W. W. (Liverpool.)– We are fully supplied with the article. word, perhaps ! And all this is artfully concealed under the guise of F. A. (Barnsbury.)–Our correspondence is large; you must wait your an invention for enabling that large majority of mankind and woman- turn, but the chances are you have been answered long since. kind (especially the latter) that will wear Berlin gloves to pick up J. C.-It

all depends upon their merit. coppers off a shiny counter! How artful!

W. P. (Buckingham-gate.) The pieces you call "filling-up pieces " want filling up sadly; there's nothing in them.

S.-How could you write such a line as

"To we weary ones to rest” ?
A CORRESPONDENT, come astray probably from Notes and Queries, It's enough to disturb the rest of Lindley Murray in his grave.
writes to ask whether the Nore is so called because on passing it one J. C. Ř. (Ireland.)-We fear you cannot assist us.
feels the first approach of Nore-sëa.

C. A. L. E. P. (Colchester.) –We do not see your drift.
BEN ALLAH.-Perhaps they will be republished.

Joke v. Jest.

R. W. (Bedford-street.)-If that really is your first attempt, it is so A FRIEND of ours being detected in a violent cough the other day, oreditable that you had better let it be the last, too! was asked if it was his chest; he replied, it was only a choke.

Declined with thanks :-H. L. H.; Lancashire; Polar; T. K., Walsall;
H. B.; P. Q. R.; H. R. K.; J. M., Tredegar ;, C. H., Nelson-equare;

H. B. s., Streatfield-road; Á. B.; J. D.; F. H., Manchester; W.C.,
A C-flat.
Binks, who is a very poor sailor as well as a poor scholar, says that Brighton; T. R., Navan; J. V., Junior; Schoolboy, Norwood; J. T.,

Bedford-street; Forty Two; R. Cornwall-road; Novice; S. s. s. s., they may call the land a terror firmer, but he thinks the sea" by fur. Hereford; A. J. R., Northampton; A. B., Shrewsbury; S., Dublin, M. D., more-terrible."

Dover ; Reader, Great Queen-street; J. MoJ., Glasgow; J. M.; J. G. D.

Bishopgate-street; E. J. F., New Cross; N. É.K.; C.D., King WilliamCOLD WITHOUT.--How to take a glass of water-Con spirito.


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“ It is said that at the close of the Exhibition, Paris offers a
prize of a pair of ear-rings, worth 600,000 francs (about 624,000),
to be awarded to the fairest of the fair.'Echoes from the Clubs.
We have studied in classical fables-

Vide LEMPRIBRE passim and SMITH-
How Juno, in turning the tables

On VENUB's kin and her kith,
Made a vow for revenge of Mount Ide,

Where an elegant youth—as we're told-
Called PARI8, was asked to decide a

Dispute for an apple of gold.
Young Paris, the shepherd, was frisky,

And went in for love like a boy,
Never dreaming his choice might be risky

And hardest of lines for old Troy.
Never thinking ATHENA would grieve it,

Or Hera reap vengeance from pain;
And now you will hardly believe it

Young Paris is at it again !
Some goddess of discord or folly

Fair women has set by the ears,
And the city, once happy and jolly,

Will be given to tongues and to tears.
For if the competitors wrangle,

Or sneer, snarl, or worry, or fuss,
Oh! who would the claims disentangle

Which Paris will have to discuss ?
There are nobes like pug-dogs and parrots,

And skins like the dirt and the snow,
And hair with the gleam of young carrots,

Or sheeny with gloss of a crow.
There are some who like thin lips-poor creatures-

And some, lips 80 poutingly full,
Wilt tost all their mouths and their features ?

Then Paris, my boy, you've the pull !
If the claims of the fat and the bony

Thoy called upon him to decide,
I'd sooner have died with ÆNONB

Than fought before Troy for a bride.
But if with the lovely and witty,

The judge sits in pleasure and peace,
I'd sooner be Paris the city

Than PARIS the shepherd of Greeco!

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MR. H. J. Brron's “ William Tell" will no doubt fill the Strand

for some time to come. It is full of fun, and the music is carofully THe author of “Ours" and " Caste” has fairly earned the reputa- and cleverly selected. MR. C. FENTON deserves to bo singled out for tion of being our most polished and least conventional

comedy-writer. separate praise ; his performance of Sarnem is intensely humorous—a He gives us dialogue that is natural; his conversations are made effec- true bit of burlesque acting. tive by their fitness as much as by their brilliancy. He possesses the The Adelphi is re-decorated ! It really looks very nico— vory nice rare art of raising a laugh-of drawing a tear sometimes—by the indeed! And MR. WEBSTER is playing Triplet again, as admirably as simplest means. MR. ROBERTSON's forte is pure comedy; the atmo- ever, in “Masks and Faces." MRS. MELLON plays Peg, Woffington, sphere of drama disagrees with him. We rather doubt whether but not as admirably as ever; she has grown too loud and overwhelmexciting situations can be represented properly apart from a little clap- ing—her gestures are exaggerated.

We look forward with eagerness trap; it is a perilous experiment to throw stage tradition overboard to the production of a new

piece under the altered management of this altogether. It was—probably is—a noble commonplace way that the theatre. brave soldiers on board the Birkenhead formed in line and sunk. The sea and sky were the only witnesses, and there was no acting to them. When is it desirable to be on the sick list 2-When one is "laid up" But in putting such an incident on the stage, things are not to be done -in lavender. in the matter-of-fact manner. The audience wants a deal of talk about heroism, love of country, wives and families, et cetera. MR. ROBERTson has not appreciated this dreadful necessity-or else he has defied it. NOTICE.On November the 4th, price Twopence, The stage-management has done everything in its power to spoil the

FUN ALMANACK, shipwreck scene; but not from the author's fault-an attempt to be Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by natural. The vessel is a decent-sized yacht in the second act-and in the DALZIBL BROTHBRS. the first it was a ship of at least fifteen hundred tons. The supers, too-A melancholy half dozen-are of the Adelphi pattern, and spoil NOTICE.--Now ready, price 1s., and may be obtained at the Fox Office, Lacy's. every scene into which they are introduced. The performance of Theatrical Warebouse, and all booksellers, “ For Love" is hardly up to our expectation. Miss HENRADE is un

ROBINSON CRUSOE; impassioned, and Mr. Prics-usually so effective-plays coldly, and

OR, THE INJUX BRIDE AND TI. INJURED WIFR. renders more obvious the comparative weakness of the last act. MR. MONTAQUE, MR. STEPHENS, and M188 JENNY WILLMORB, are good; A Burlesque by H. J. Byron, W. S. Gubert, T. Hood, H. S. Loigh, Arthur Sketchley,

and "." but the best bit of acting in the piece is that of MR. CUMMING, who plays a small part admirably. Though the drama contains plenty of

Performed at Theatre Royal Haymarket, or Saturday, July 8th. writing that no dramatist but MR. ROBERTSON could have given us, we

N.B.-The proceeds of the sale will be added to the land for the beneft of the cannot say that it is one of that gentleman's artistic successes.

widowed mother of the late Paul Gray.

LONDOX : Printed by JUDD & GLAMS, Phoenis Worte, St. Andrew's Am, Doctors' Commons, and Pablshod (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Flootstroos, 2.C.

October 19, 1887.

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ALL IS NOT GOLD (OR SILVER) THAT GLITTERS. out of the winder. The young cupple bids, and one of the others

Mr. Fun, SIR,—I am that there young man from the country bids, and then I looks hard at the auctioneer, and winks, as much as was made so much game of because of my sayin' that nobody as to say “I'm awake!” and he says, "Did you bid for this ?” wouldn't get over me. No more they didn't, except them there “ Yes," I says, “I'll bid seventeen shillin's.” And then he laughs, music-hall chaps ; but I've been regular done, Sir, a-coming along and says," The gentleman there with the lady's offered a pound upon to your office from the Temperance Hotel, where I puts up, at

the sale." Just then in comes another party, and directly he was the back of Cheapside—as I takes my own licker in a wicker bottle inside they draws a curtain that shut us all in, for there was a crowd and drinks in the bedroom after meals. I was ekonymising along of round the door, and before I knew what was being done the lot was having promised my missis (for the best of us is got over by them that knocked down to the new comer. Come,” says I, "that game won't we loves, honours, and obeys,) to take her home a somethin' from do with me. You'll put that lot up again, for mine was the last bid London, as her wishes took the form of electro-plate for to stand on

of a guinea ;" and the party, as was evidently a gentleman, says, the sideboard along with our best cbaney. As I say, I was on my

“I've no objection, if there's any dispute.”. So away we gous again, way to your office when what should I see in a shop winder but just and the young man, as had been a-consultin' with his wife, says, “I sech an article as would suit to a T, or I should say to a tea, which is mean to have 'em if I can, for I've bought the spoons to match ;" and a jocorous remark suited to your perioddicle. For if it warn’t a sugar 1 says, “Well, if I don't buy 'em over your head at the price as is basin, a milk-pot, a coffee biggin, a teapot and all to match, as bright being asked some of these chaps will; you ain't up to 'em, but they as the new shillin's that I'd drawed from the bank that very morning. don't get over me;", and then there was a lot of bids all at once, and I was a-goin' in to ask the price when I hears somebody a-talking the goods was knocked down. “Would you like to pay for them at loud inside, and a chap at the door says, “The sale closes to-day, and once?” says the auctioneer to the young feller; but the man as had there's some bargains going, I can tell you.” Now, thinks I, he come in says, “I beg your pardon, if they belong to anybody they're don't know who I am, and he thinks to get over me; so I winks to the property of this gentleman (meaning me) as have offered five-andmyself and walks in. There was two or three women there, and half thirty." There was a regular row, but I sticks to my text, and the a dozen men, three of 'em I was down upon in a minute. 'I know'd stranger sticks to me; and out I walks triumphant, a-winkin' to my'em by their hookey noses and by the look out of the corners of their self, with the goods under my arm in a silk handkercher. eyes, and I winks to myself again, for they was a-takin' in two of the

Well, Sir, I write this from home, which I reached by the night women, and a pale, silly-lookin' feller like one o'clock, a-selling 'em train. When I opens my bandkercher and shows the things to my all sorts o' rubbish. Sometimes they bought a lot themselves, and wife she was uncommonly pleased to be sure, for she thought they was the way they did it was worth looking at, I can tell you. A-pretend- real silver, and they looked it, too; for I forgot to say as they'd been ing to quarrel who should have it, and a-payin' for it always in even kept spick and span new in that winder under a glass shade. money-half sovereigns or sovereigns, as they handed over to the

How we did laugh, my wife and me, at the way as I'd got over that chap that brought the things round on a waiter. That didn't get over

set at the Mock Auction; for bless you, Sir, I was up to it from the me, though, for, says I to myself, “The money's only Brummagem their show lot. sir, let me out with it at once. In the mornin', while

very first, and we pictered to ourselves their rage at being done out of counters, or else out of the common till."

There was two or three real han’some things, too, I can tell, and I was a-shavin', I heard my wife give a scream, and nearly cut my some as I could see had done duty before and not been cleaned after chin off. Down I goes, and if the silver service hadn't all turned wards. Thinks I, "dimond cut dimond." I see now what them black in the night, as was only zinc and quicksilver. I see it all now. gorgous tea-services is for, and if I don't have my bid and see whether That pale young cupple was in the gang, and they'd got over me, and I can't nick one of them show lots I ain't what I was five or six year I don't know as I shall ever come to London any more, but remain ago. So I waits, and presently sure enough in comes the tea-things



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Now when they reached the whaling ground,

The Homeopath says he,

No. 33.
“Leave all to me, you'll be astound-
Ed, at what you soon shall see!”

At early dawn they run and ride,
He dropped some" globules" in the sea,

And shout along the river side,
In the midst of a "school" of whales :

While steadily the oarsmen strain
In minutes twenty-one they be-

Each nerve the leading place to gain.
Came albof them dead as nails!

But all their strength and skill it needs—

Now one and now the other leads :
They filled the vessel to the decks,
And started for home-express;

But, see, the race is done-and, hark !
Rejoiced at having had such ex-

What cheering hails the victor-bark.

And yet I hear amid the shout
Traordinary success!

One prudent voice expressing doubt,
And when ashore they came to go,

Though scarcely will the lads, I fear,
Each rushed away to invest

Those warning words of wisdom hear.
Some of his earnings in a Ho-
Moeopathic medicineschest !


This sort of follow troubles very greatly We have received from MEBles. ROUTLEDGE a batch of books, which

Departments that would fain go on sedately:

About the offices for ever grubbing we may take as the sacant courier of the great flood of Christmas

With schomes and plans, he gets a deal of snubbing. literature about to be launched on the devoted heads of the reviewers. Every Boy's Annual, a handsome and attractive volume, may claim to

2. be the first. It abounds in interesting papers on sports as well as

In distant lands science, and there are somondmirable short sketches and stories. Of

The trav'ller knowing the longer tales we fike • The Boy Cavaliors" best. “The Orville

Well understands College Boys” is by MRS. HENRY WOOD, who does not seem to know

Where this is growing, much about either boys or colleges. We can fancy how many hearty

Is learned in the art of grinding it, laughs there will be over the passage in which she talks of a master's

And feels quite sure of food, in finding it. trencher reap having "twotassels, one over the other,” and makes one of hersschoolboys eatch up a master's cap in mistake for his own!

3. The majority of the illustrations are excellent, especially the coloured

Some one has written reams about him, natural history cuts, and the pictures belonging to the burlesques. Mr.

But though renowned for piety, BURNAND, the author of those burlesques, should have furbished up his

He's lots of roguish schemes about him, Latin a bit before he aired it in the presence of boys fresh from their

And tricks in great variety. Latin grammars. It is hardly correct to say Lictores, amove !"

4. Moreover, Dominus is not a vocative, nor is ferre the imperative of fero. Another capital boy's book is Barford Bridge, by the Rev. H. C.

According to PLINY, Adams, in which boat-races, football, fighting, and cricket take their

Who was not a ninny, proper place and interest, and the moral is not too obtrusively dis

Of all the Italians this race was the oldest. played. For the smaller folks we find The Multiplication Table in

But then of the tribes Verse, an attempt to make that nanseous draught palatable, The Old

That Pliny describes, Courtier, the ballad on whose lines “The Fine Old English Gentleman" If they were the most ancient, they were not the boldest. was built, and Old King Cole, “with which is incorporated” that very

5. old and well-beloved story of the Queen of Hearts and the Tarts. This last is, perhaps, the best as well as most brilliantly illustrated.

A drinking-horn ancient, of curious shapeOriginal Poems, illustrated, is prettily turned out. Some of the pictures

Oft in classical pictures you'll view it,

For the juice of the grape had a hole for escapo are very charming, but we do not (with all deference to the author of the Family Pen) care about the poems.” They are "only for

In the bottom, and used to flow through it children” we shall be told, but that is all the more reason in our

Straight into the mouth of the drinker agape opinion that they should be good. It is most important that the child's

Just try with a funnel to do it ! ear should be trained to an appreciation of verse by faultless rhythm and

6. careful rhyme, and in neither of these respects do Original Poems

Writers of weight upon Hindoo mythology, shine. Last, but not least, in the batch comes a book for us old fogies

With this of the universe mete the duration a cheap edition of the immortal Tristram Shandy. The edition is

A measure of time-pray accept my apology, unmutilated by that judicious editing which in cutting out the naughty

If I can give yon no more information. passages generally contrives to snip away a great deal of the good with them. We commend the Shandean volume to those who are not acquainted with it, if only that they may perceive, when they have read

ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 31, it, how very much our modern humourists are indebted to STERNE.


As HORACE, had he lived in this day, would have undoubtedly been


T one of our honoured contributors, we venture, on behalf of that

V E deceased poet and his latest translator, DR. SMITH, to point out a slip

R н which the Atheneum has made. The Athenaun does make slips at times. Recently, when noticing a mention of tubular bridges in a


Amicus; Returns 54; Froggy; Betsy H.; Merry Andrew; Ruby; Valentine; novel, it spoke as if STEPHENSON's were the only tubular bridges, quite D. P.H.; E. D. J. M.; Long Jack; Holdfast; F. R.; 4 Boobies; M.D.S.; Julia; forgetting BRUNEL's. In this instance, the critic says that Dr. SMITH Bunnie P.; A la mode; Etihw; 11.

C.; Parkhurst; Varney the V.;

Garry; The has mistaken the meaning of

Roman; 3 Carshalton Fools; Neptune 22; Ned;

Long Firm; 2 Barnacles; Katie; “Hen, quoties fidem

Nanny's Pet; The Chichester Cockles; Kate C. H.; Pedro; Gyp; A Gowk; Mutatosque deos flebit,”

Anna L.; C. C. B.; Keg Meg; Rose and Kittie; Head of the Family; Skelmorbe;

E. M. H.; Borva; Drum; Pal o' Mine; Constance; Muokle Pickle, Exon, Oxon; when he translates it as

" I'm sure I'll Try”; Vampyre; Snuff-box; Two Clapham Contortionists; “ How oft, alack,

Engineers Out of Work; Brick-court; A. B.; Breakside and Hamish; T. S. C.; He'l mourn her troth and gods invoked forsaken."

J. A. W.; The Monaline Lynx ; Bundle; 89th ; Polar; Bampton Beck; Bravo, Surely our Athenaic friend must see an implied comma after “in- Ned; J. R.; D. E. H.; P. and C. S.; W. s.; Salterns; 8' Bluebottles ; Greensleeve. voked!” He-forsaken—will mourn her troth and the gods he invoked. If he were not forsaken, he would have no reason to lament either the

Another Suffering Manager ! invoked gods or her troth. Oh, classical criticism, what nonsense is MR. WEBSTER is not the only ill-used manager. We have it on the perpetrated in thy name! A scholar would have seen that “mutatos" best authority that MR. WEBSTER's neighbour, the Manager of the applied both to “deos” and to "fidem," and that Dr. Smith, by giving Lyceum, is being shamefully used. We are assured that poor MR. the effect of those changes on the mourner, met the difficulty in FecHTER, having engaged a "scratch" company, is Clawed nightly in the best possible manner admitted by our English construction. his own theatre.

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