MRS. BROWN IN "AMERICA.

HER IMPRESSIONS OF NEW YORK.

I DON'T think as ever I were more thankful in my life than when I found myself safe and sound in a comfortable room in a decent house; but I says to JOE, "My dear boy, wherever is your wife and children? "Oh," he says, "Mother, many miles away from this."

says,

I must say as I felt 'urt at it's not bein' Joe's own 'ome, though not a comfortable place, and a old black womana-cookin', as give us some tea; but law bless you the rum things as they 'ad along with tea, for there was oysters and fried taters, and love apples, and coweumbers, and all manner, let alone lamb chops and beef steaks as was cut werry odd. I'adn't no much appetite, and the place seemed to turn me round and I was werry nigh upset the first thing when I got into the room, for he "Set down 'ere, mother," and I set down, and if the chair didn't give way back'ards with me, as proved to be its nater thro' bein' a rockin' chair. I give sich a scream, for my 'eels flew up, and even JOE couldn't help laughing. It was a many days afore I could get used to their ways and wittles. They eats a lot of what they calls corn, as ain't a bit like any corn as ever I see, the' I did used once to keep fowls, and rabbits too, as used to feed on it. I don't 'old with their tea, and as to the cold water they're a drinkin' constant, if I was to give in to it I should soon be brought to a watery grave. But no wonder they drinks, for of all the 'eat as ever I did feel; it beat ovens 'oller; and as to the gnats they're as ferocious as tigers, adewourin' you, as is the reason they calls 'em muskeeters, no doubt, as was always desperate characters, we all know, as they tries to ketch with nets over the bed; as is downright foolishness, for I'm sure there was lots on 'em inside the net as were round my bed, and not one on 'em was ketched, and you never see sich a figger as I went down to breakfast, reg'lar bunged-up, and that irritatin' as made me scratch myself raw. The old nigger woman she told me as there was papers for smokin' 'em out of the beds, so I says to 'er, "I knows what will settle 'em, the same as I've 'eard say in England, as is a little gunpowder," as she said she could get me easy, and so she did, as I made up into a little lump with water and kep it agin night. I did not feel up to much goin' about, so I went to bed early, and there was them muskeeters a-flyin' about, and a lot inside the net as was 'angin' over the bed. So I gets into bed, with my little bit of gunpowder in a saucer. I'd got a lucifer, as I struck a light with it and put it agin the powder, as were damped; but law bless you, I never did; it flared up like mad, knocked me backwards in the bed, and set that there net in a blaze. I hollered fire, and rolled out of bed, a-draggin' that net along with me, and if BROWN and JOE 'adn't come up I must 'ave been brought to a fiery grave, as the sayin' is. What with the shock as it give me, and the oat as upset me, I was werry bad for three days, and little thought as ever I should 'ave come to be nursed by a blackamoor, as was that kind through givin' me a turn atween the lights, and standin' by my bedside and me a-wakin' up sudden after dosin' off through a bad night, and the sun a-settin' that sudden, no doubt through so much water bein' about, as put 'im

out easy.

I don't think as ever I was so jolted up and down as I were in one of them 'buses as runs up Broadway with no conductor behind for to let you in. As I 'ailed one myself a-'oldin' my umbreller, but it's all werry fine for to stop 'em, but 'owever to get in I did not see, for the steps is that 'igh that I couldn't 'ardly reach 'em, and that narrer as there were not no 'old for the foot; and just as I got in at the door if the feller didn't drive on, and I must ave pitched back'ard out if I 'adn't pitched for'ard and come with my 'ead full butt agin the end of the 'bus as would 'ave stunned me if I'd come with my full force, as I were prewented doin', thro' the door a-shettin' with my foot in it as 'eld me back and broke the shock, but pretty nigh broke my ankle too. The way them 'buses dawdles up that street is enough to drive you mad; not as they can get along any faster, for of all the crowdin' and pushin' as ever you see, all a-runnin' one agin another, and nobody couldn't never cross but for the police, as is that perlite a-'andin' you over, with their straw 'ats and nice white gloves.

Of all the ways for to pay your fare in them 'buses it's the most sing'ler, for you 'as to put the money thro' a little 'ole in the top of the 'bus, a-ringing of a bell, as I'm sure they wouldn't never find answer in London, where I've seed parties myself try and cheat the conductor afore 'is werry face, and what they'd do with 'is back turned, goodness knows. There was a party in that bus worry civil, as offered for to 'and up my money, but I says, "You must escuse me, but bein' a stranger, I must keep my weather heye ap as made 'im

look rather foolish.

We was a-bumpin' along enough for to loosen every tooth in your 'ead, and a werry nice young gal got in as were that pretty, as certingly most of the 'Merrykens is, I will say, and there was a old feller in the 'bus as I didn't fancy, thro' a-seein as he'd been and 'ad 'is 'air dyed a deep black, as looks werry ghastly. I see 'im a-heyin' that young gal the same as he'd been a-lookin' at me afore she got in, as kep' 'im at 'is distance with one of my looks. Well, he was a-settin'

ave been

oppersite to that young gal and me, and I see as she were uncasy, and 'im a fidgettin' about is feet, and presently he put 'is foot with all 'is force on my tenderest corn, as is a thing I can't abear touched, so I up with the umbreller and I give him a hot one across 'is shins. He says, "What do you mean by that ?” “Why," I says, "jest what I've done, and I'll do it agin, you ole waggerbone, as annoyin' this young gal with your feet as I've been a-watchin' you!" He said as he adn't, but the young gal said as he 'ad, so I says, “If you dares to molest either 'er or me I'll call that perliceman as I sees about." Bless you, he was out of the 'bus in a crack, as give me a turn, for they are sich people for to get in and out while the 'bus is movin'; and the young gal told me as there was a good many wagabones as was up to them games in 'buses, so I says, "Let me ketch 'em at it with me, and see if I don't settle 'em pretty quick." As led to a werry unpleasant mistake two days arter; bein' in a 'bus and a old feller oppersite a-movin' his feet about, and me a-thinkin' he was annoyin' the young gal as set next 'im, I give him a wiolent prog on the toe with my umbreller, as proved to be 'is_gouty foot, and the young woman 'is own daughter, and a nice row I got into!

Joy he'd a lot of business as would keep 'im for a week or more, so he says to me, "You'd better go and see some of the sights in New York." I says, "Law, JOE, I don't want to see no sights, as I'm sure them shops up Broadway is sight enough for any one," and would be a lovely street only it don't seem to 'ave no shady side like Cheapside; but a bridge across, as is downright necessary, for it's that dangerous. So JoE he says to me, "Mother, don't you bother with nobody." BROWN he says, “I should like to see your mother not poke 'er nose into other people's business."

I says,

"MR. BROWN, I knows my way about, and as to pokin' my nose, never you mind so long as it ain't yourn." "Well," he says, "if you gets into a mess JOE must 'elp you out."

I says, "JOE is one as'll succour 'is father and mother, as is 'is duty;" but little did I think of the trouble as I were a-goin' to get into, and all for a trifle, for whatever is six cents, as they calls 'em, and ain't more than a penny as I'ad to pay for a ride in one of them street cars as runs all over the place like a railway without no engine? I got into one for to go and see a aunt of Joe's wife, as were that friendly as she asked me to spend the day with 'er, and me a-startin' early.

That there nigger woman put me on the car, as wouldn't 'ardly stop for me to get in. I set down, tho' there wasn't 'ardly a seat thro' a lot gettin' in jest arter me, as collared the seats pretty quick. I know'd it was their ways to pay the conductor as walks up and down a-collectin' the money. I 'ad my money ready in my 'and, as were ten cents. Well, a man come along and stood in front of me as I took for the conductor. So I give 'm a dollar-leastways, a bit of s'iled paper as acts for one, thro' their 'avin' used all their gold and silver in the war, a-makin' bullets on it, I suppose, as I considers shameful waste myself, the same as a party I've eard tell about as made sandwiches of bank-notes, as did ought to 'ave been whipped, a 'ussy. Well, this man he didn't say nothink, but takes the money, walks out of the other end, as their cars is open both ends, as makes 'em werry drafty, and must be awful in cold weather. I set there a-waitin' for my change, when up comes another chap, and asks werry rough for my money. I'ad changed my seat once or twice in that car; thro the draft, one time, and another time 'cos a party were a-spectoratin' that free as I didn't care about it. So I says to the feller, "I paid you-leastways, I give a dollar, and wants my change." Oh," he says, "I reckon you think as I'm a young 'oss." I says, "You'd better reckon what change you've got to give me out of a dollar, and give it me pretty quick." He says, "I never see your dollar." "Well," I says, "I give it to the other." "What other?" says he. "Why," I says, "the other as come and stood afore me." He says, "He ain't got nothink to do with it; besides," he says, "where's he got to ?" I says, "Ow should I know? for you're all like a lot of wild beastes, a-oppin' up and down off the thing afore it stops." He says, "You pay your fare or come out of the ear.' I says "I won't." You must," says he, "for here we stops and turns back." I says, "You're a gang of thieves." "Come out," says he, and pulls at me. I'ollered "Help!" and up come a perliceman, as says, "Pay your fare." I says, "I've paid, and will 'ave my change." Says the conductor, "She's a reg'lar beat; she got on the car and has been a-dodgin' me all about."

Well, there was a crowd, and they come all round, so I thought as I'd give 'em the slip on the quiet, and was a-walkin' off, when that conductor fellow says, "Pay me, or you goes straight off to the station'ouse," as give me a frightful turn, a-knowin' as I might be there for life, and nobody to get me out. So I was a-goin' to pay over agin, when who should I see but my JOE. I'ollers "Jos!" as loud as I could scream, and over he comes, and glad I was, as he walked me off, tho' I was aggrawated with 'im for not a-stoppin' to tell them as I were respectable, for their remarks was werry free about me, partik'lar the boys, as seem to me to 'ave as much cheek as if they was bred and born English, as we all knows is dreadful bad-mannered when not kep' in their proper place, as young people did ought to be.

N all the towns and cities fair

On Merry England's broad expanse, No swordsman ever could compare

With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE.

The dauntless lad could fairly hew
A silken handkerchief in twain,
Divide a leg of mutton too-

And this without unwholesome strain.

On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick,
His sabre sometimes he'd employ-

No bar of lead, however thick,

Had terrors for the stalwart boy.

At Dover daily he'd prepare

To hew and slash, behind, beforeWhich aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE,

Who watched him from the Calais shore.

It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance,
The sight annoyed and vexed him so;

He was the bravest man in France-
He said so, and he ought to know.

"Regardez, donc, ce cochon gros-
Ce polisson! Oh, sacré bleu !
Son sabre, son plomb, et ses gigots!

Comme cela m'ennuye, enfin, mon Dieu

"Il sait que les foulards de soie
Give no retaliating whack-

Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi-
Le plomb don't ever hit you back!"

But every day the headstrong lad

Cut lead and mutton more and more,
And every day, poor PIERRE, half mad,
Shrieked loud defiance from his shore.
HANCE had a mother, poor and old,
A simple, harmless, village dame,
Who crowed and clapped as people told
Of WINTERBOTTOM's rising fame.

She said, "I'll be upon the spot
To see my ТомMY's sabre-play;"
And so she left her leafy cot,

And walked to Dover in a day.
PIERRE had a doting mother, who
Had heard of his defiant rage:
His ma was nearly ninety-two,
And rather dressy for her age.

At HANCE's doings every morn,

With sheer delight his mother cried;

And MONSIEUR PIERRE's contemptuous scorn,
Filled his mamma with proper pride.

But HANCE's powers began to fail-
His constitution was not strong-

And PIERRE, who once was stout and hale,
Grew thin from shouting all day long.

Loud sneered the doughty man of France,

Ho, ho! He! he! Ha! ha! Ha! ha! "The French for 'Pish!"" said THOMAS HANCE. Said PIERRE, "L'Anglais, Monsieur, pour' bah.'”

Said MRS. H., "Come, one! two! three!-
We're sittin' here to see all fair;
"Cest Magnifique!" said MADAME P.,
"Mais, parbleu! ce n'est pas la guerre!"

"Je scorn un foe si lâche que vous !"

Said PIERRE, the doughty son of France.

"I fight not coward foe, like you!"

Said our undaunted Tommy HANCE.

"The French for Pooh!'" our TOMMY cried.. "L'Anglais pour Va!" the Frenchman crowed, And so with undiminished pride

Each went on his respective road..

TO CLAIRVOYANTS,

We have heard of "looking into a man; and it would seem that the police authorities believe to the fullest extent in such penetration of sight as a not uncommon gift among HER MAJESTY's lieges. What else would induce the guardians of the public peace to issue those curiously minute descriptions of the missing Fenians, KELLY and DEASY, which refer to marks as profoundly hidden as the men who carry them? Not content with the enumeration of teeth which are absent from the side or back of the jaw, where the deficiency is concealed, or with the reference to seratches on those parts of the limbs which are always covered by clothing, the writer of the bill which promises a reward of £300 to the informant who shall aid in the capture of the fugitives, actually alludes to a large scar," inside the belly" of one of them. Now, the notion of searching the abdominal interior of a concealed Fenian captain for a cicatrice could never occur to the mind of mortal policeman, if that mind were not thoroughly imbued with transcendental theories of human vision. We hope that some clairvoyant will speedily earnthe £300. At present the difficulty seems to be in reconciling the visibility of DEASY's intestines with the invisibility DEASY.

A Free (man) Translation.

LORD ABERCORN the other day made a very neat speech on the occasion of a distribution of prizes in Ireland. The Freeman's Journal reports the address in full, and favours us with a bit of Latin-a prize for the translation of which, we trust, was one of those distributed on the occasion. Here is the passage :

"I would beg you also to remember, in seeking what are falsely called the favours of fortune, that the maxim of 1,700 years ago is as appropriate to our own days as it was to days of old

"Nullem numeris, habit si, sit prudentia, nos facimus, fortuna, deam, nos te aetogue locamis.'

"With every wish that your future may be blessed by the result of your own exertions in all that can render you virtuous, successful, and happy, I bid you farewell. (Applause.)"

No wonder applause greeted this (according to the F. J.) elegant and accurate quotation! It is to be regretted that his Lordship did not finish the very apt extract

"O mihi, dident thatre porter mâca mudelo fas entence oflatin!"

Sheer Nonsense.

In answer to numerous inquiries after NICHOLAS, we beg to place before our readers the following paragraph from the Glasgow Evening Citizen :

"In reference to a statement published this morning, of a Fenian raid na Volunteer armoury at C, in Reepham, Norfolkshire, we have just received the ollowing special telegram from Norwich.

NICHOLAS was never superior to the temptation of a glass or a go. We presume the two combined were too much for his loyalty.

Parliamentary Intelligence.

MR. E. MIALL was lately invited by the electors of Bradford to contest the representation of that borough in the place of the late MR. WICKHAM. We feel it our duty to contradict the possible rumour that the M.P. for Westminster and the supporters of Female Suffrage wished to bring forward a lady-candidate, on the ground that "a Miss is as good as a MIALL!"

A FENIAN ANTHEM.

BY A HEAD CENTRE.

RIGHT shoulthers, bedad! (That's yer left, TERRY BRIERLEY!)
Kape on marchin', me boys, right away widout cease.
'Tis a moighty fine noight, and it's darkness entirely-
Let's go to the barracks to shoot some perlice.
Sure we've come all the way from Amerrikey, honeys,
To lead yez to freedom and tache yez yer dthrill—
Likewise for the sake av collectin' yer moneys-

We'll take yer last shillin's, me boys, av ye will!

Av coorse, boys, ye'll thrust us, although we are strangers—
And thin, since our lives is such precious ones, sure,
Ye'll not moind, whin there's any apparence o' dangers,,
Av our safety's the very first thing we secure.
Thin, onward to freedom, boys, onward so bould now,
Oh, be off, thin, and slarter all Saxons yez find—
But, yez see, since the noights is oncommonly could now,
We'll look arter yer money and jist stop behind.

Whist! Trayson among us?-a Saxon is pris'nt!
St'thrike one blow for Freedom and Liberty's sake!
Rimimber, my hayrees, ye're armed and he isn't---
We're st'throng, too, an' many, an' he's one an' wake,
But since yez moight fetch them perlice wid the shindy-
Ere this great act of justice to Ireland yez do,

Jist wait till yer leaders has got out o' windy.
Sure, we're safe now, so go it, me boys!--philliloo!

Couleur de Rose

IN the reports on the Classes of the Paris Industrial Exhibition prepared by order of the Committee of Council on Education, we read that in Class 36, "Jewellery and Precious Stones," M. COSTLER exhibits— property of becoming perfectly bleached by an exposure of some four minutes to "A rose-pink diamond of some 29 carats, endowed with the extraordinary ordinary daylight. It recovers its rose colour at a gentle heat, and retains it for any length of time in darkness." It is not quite clear to us how it is possible to determine its retention of rose-colour under the condition specified, but so great is our confidence in the luminaries representing England at the Expositionparticularl your "black diamond," COLE-that we are quite willing to believe they are able to see-in the dark! To be sure, the paragraph we quote is from the Illustrated London News, in which the literary matter, like the pictures, seems to be produced from blocks.

Answers to Correspondents.

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or monograms.]

E. M. G. (Glasgow.) You have omitted to send the envelope as stated.

sight.

We will, however, keep the MS, for a few days, for you to correct the overBEATRICE. Most complimentary, but our modesty will not allow us to print it. B.-We have no desire to consult your individual tastes at the expense of numerous subscribers. You have made an ignorant blunder in your solution too confidently knocked off "in a few minutes. PAWNEE The paddler faces the stern when he ceases to paddle, and doesn't care where he is going, we fancy. Good morning! C. H. (Weymouth.)-Send us the paper.

"

B. JUNIOR.-You must B more than junior-minimus to think "leather" rhymes with "ever." Nothing like leather could do that!

J. T. P. (Sheffield), cum multis aliis, will oblige us greatly by understanding, once for all, that our Acrostic department is fully supplied. H. M. (Regent's-square.)-One of the most alarming symptoms connected with Fenianism is, in our opinion, the frequent revival of that most antique joke on Pat-riots.

S. C. W. (Kimberley.)-Take our advice, and never attempt comic copy again. We have had some experience, but we were prostrated by the attempt to extract anything funny out of your MS.

SKINNEM.-The absence of the birds forms no excuse for your pigeon' into us!

A SMALL TRAVELLER.-Would you had gone over less paper!

Change of Name.