Loud sneered the doughty man of France, Said MRS. H., "Come, one! two! three!- "Je scorn un foe si lâche que vous !” Said PIERRE, the doughty son of France. "I fight not coward foe, like you!" Said our undaunted Tommy HANCE. "The French for Pooh!'" our TOMMY cried., "L'Anglais pour Va!" the Frenchman crowed, And so with undiminished pride Each went on his respective road.. TO CLAIRVOYANTS, We have heard of “looking into a man; and it would seem that the police authorities believe to the fullest extent in such penetration of sight as a not uncommon gift among HER MAJESTY'S lieges. What else would induce the guardians of the public peace to issue those curiously minute descriptions of the missing Fenians, KELLY and DEASY, which refer to marks as profoundly hidden as the men who carry them? Not content with the enumeration of teeth which are absent from the side or back of the jaw, where the deficiency is concealed, or with the reference to scratches on those parts of the limbs which are always covered by clothing, the writer of the bill which promises a reward of £300 to the informant who shall aid in the capture of the fugitives, actually alludes to a large scar" inside the belly" of one of them. Now, the notion of searching the abdominal interior of a concealed Fenian captain for a cicatrice could never occur to the mind of mortal policeman, if that mind were not thoroughly imbued with transcendental theories of human vision. We hope that some clairvoyant will speedily earnthe £300. At present the difficulty seems to be in reconciling the visibility of DEASY's intestines with the invisibility DEASY. A Free (man) Translation. LORD ABERCORN the other day made a very neat speech on the occasion of a distribution of prizes in Ireland. The Freeman's Journal_ reports the address in full, and favours us with a bit of Latin-a prize for the translation of which, we trust, was one of those distributed on the occasion. Here is the passage: "I would beg you also to remember, in seeking what are falsely called the favours of fortune, that the maxim of 1,700 years ago is as appropriate to our own days as it was to days of old Nullem numeris, habit si, sit prudentia, nos facimus, fortuna, deam, nos te aetogue locamis.' With every wish that your future may be blessed by the result of your own exertions in all that can render you virtuous, successful, and happy, I bid you farewell. (Applause.)" No wonder applause greeted this (according to the F. J.) elegant and accurate quotation! It is to be regretted that his Lordship did not finish the very apt extract "O mihi, dident thatre porter mâca mudelo fas entence oflatin!" Sheer Nonsense. In answer to numerous inquiries after NICHOLAS, we beg to place before our readers the following paragraph from the Glasgow Evening Citizen : "In reference to a statement published this morning, of a Fenian raid na Volunteer armoury at C, in Reepham, Norfolkshire, we have just received the ollowing special telegram from Norwich. NICHOLAS was never superior to the temptation of a glass or a go. We presume the two combined were too much for his loyalty. Parliamentary Intelligence. MR. E. MIALL was lately invited by the electors of Bradford to contest the representation of that borough in the place of the late MR. WICKHAM. We feel it our duty to contradict the possible rumour that the M.P. for Westminster and the supporters of Female Suffrage wished to bring forward a lady-candidate, on the ground that "a Miss is as good as a MIALL!" Change of Name. THE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE's colt is to be known in future as Julius Cæsar-ewitch, in memory of his great victory. A FENIAN ANTHEM. BY A HEAD CENTRE. RIGHT shoulthers, bedad! (That's yer left, TERRY BRIERLEY!) We'll take yer last shillin's, me boys, av ye will! Av coorse, boys, ye'll thrust us, although we are strangers- Jist wait till yer leaders has got out o' windy. Couleur de Rose. In the reports on the Classes of the Paris Industrial Exhibition prepared by order of the Committee of Council on Education, we read that in Class 36, "Jewellery and Precious Stones," M.COSTLER exhibitsproperty of becoming perfectly bleached by an exposure of some four minutes to "A rose-pink diamond of some 29 carats, endowed with the extraordinary ordinary daylight. It recovers its rose colour at a gentle heat, and retains it for any length of time in darkness." It is not quite clear to us how it is possible to determine its retention of rose-colour under the condition specified, but so great is our confidence in the luminaries representing England at the Expositionparticularl your "black diamond," COLE-that we are quite willing to believe they are able to see-in the dark! To be sure, the paragraph we quote is from the Illustrated London News, in which the literary matter, like the pictures, seems to be produced from blocks. Answers to Correspondents. [We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica tions with illegible signatures or monograms.] E. M. G. (Glasgow.) You have omitted to send the envelope as stated. We will, however, keep the MS, for a few days, for you to correct the oversight. BEATRICE.-Most complimentary, but our modesty will not allow us to print it. B. We have no desire to consult your individual tastes at the expense of numerous subscribers. You have made an ignorant blunder in your solution too confidently knocked off "in a few minutes." PAWNEE The paddler faces the stern when he ceases to paddle, and doesn't care where he is going, we fancy. Good morning! C. H. (Weymouth.)-Send us the paper. B. JUNIOR-You must B more than junior-minimus to think "leather" rhymes with "ever." Nothing like leather could do that! J. T. P. (Sheffield), cum multis aliis, will oblige us greatly by understanding, once for all, that our Acrostic department is fully supplied. H. M. (Regent's-square.)-One of the most alarming symptoms connected with Fenianism is, in our opinion, the frequent revival of that most antique joke on Pat-riots. S. C. W. (Kimberley.)-Take our advice, and never attempt comic copy again. We have had some experience, but we were prostrated by the attempt to extract anything funny out of your MS. SKINNEM-The absence of the birds forms no excuse for your pigeon' into us! A SMALL TRAVELLER.-Would you had gone over less paper! E. P. (Shrewsbury.)-What you are so complimentary as to call "the Great Intellent Journal" has no mind to lend itself to your local jokes. Declined with thanks:-L. E., Halifax; F. A. K., Brixton; A. M., Glasgow; Alumnus; T. F. B., Abbeybix; W. E., Cambridge; A. I. J., Gooch-street; P. P.; W. M., Bitteswell; A. H., Manchester; Xit, Tower-street B. H.; J. C., Praed-street; B. C. S., Thornhill-crescent; J. H. D'E, Worcester; D. W.; G. W. P.; Romeo; H. K., Manchester; Stephens H. C. Q. R.; W. A. S.; Novice; X. Y. Z.; Sartorius; Rallim, Glasgow; D. D., Langham-street. LISPING IN NUMBERS. TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. SIR,-From my earliest childhood I have adored arithmetic, which people tell me is a dull and prosaic thing. I deny it! To prove that it is the highest poetry I will tell my sad story. I loved and was beloved again. I believed I was about to be united to the object of my affections. I believed my state so fortunate that I seemed to be in heaven. But hate-the hate of another, which has followed me through life-dashed the cup of bliss from my lip. In the first anguish of my loss I sat down and penned the following lines. Though a little incoherent, as might be expected under the circumstances, they are true poetry. I defy you or any one to deny it.-Yours, etc., A. DISHUN. AN Iowa paper states that a train on the North Western Railway, in the western part of the province was delayed an hour and a quarter by grasshoppers, "which covered the track so thickly that the engine slipped on the rails." We suspect that the only hoppers concerned in this extraordinary story are "tiddyhoppers!" Our correspondent will, we fear, hardly persuade any one that his lines are in the least degree approaching to poetry. We read them thus:-Six, add, divided by, of eight, eleven, two, cipher, unity, four, one, two, eight, four, nought, of four, two, unit, one, equals seven, eight, two, two, of ten, minus, hundred, of five, eight;-or to put it in the form of verse: THOUGH the planet of Love has grown dimmer She says that she would if she could. Which severs the heart and the hand. Can I ever be happy, I wonder, But I've still a reflection to cheer me THE latest novelty in fire-arms is a gun which is capable of being discharged with a reprimand. London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.October 26, 1867. Pal They loved each other-that they did, A. had a pair of monstrous eyes, A. had no nose at all. A.'s hair reached, when he shook it out, B.'s little head was just about As bald as any egg. B. had a thin and taper waist, A. had no waist at all; A. was too short for proper taste, And for his benefit I say Who further knowledge seeks, They meekly bore their painful lots, And little tiny todding tots Would babble at them thus: "We don't believe you're human kind- So unconceivably designed, "Divide us, please!" they would exclaim, With unabated noise, A mania it at length became With these afflicted boys. A Turk there was-BEN OUSEFF named, (He was the maker of the famed And took delight in screaming out, The quaint conceit amused him much, Encouraged in their mirthful play But still they screamed and would not list, "Divide us, monstrous men!" "Well, since upon it you insist, I will," said honest BEN. "Your joke is getting stale and trite, And then he smote a mighty smite, VOL. VI. Bal And A.'d reply, "It's very true "But why this taunt from every curb, In bold defiance hurled ? The average we don't disturb We wouldn't for the world! "If you complain we're badly planned, Why all you've got to do Is. add us both together and Divide the sum by two!" The notion pleased the simple lad, It soon became his favourite fad Town Talk. BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY. NOTHER great smash -the failure of the Royal Bank of Liverpool-proves that we are not yet out of the whirlpool produced by the late panic. And it is to be feared that this crash is not likely to be the last. Every such fall shakes other edifices of card-or Banknote paper-and presently they topple down. Meanwhile, the unsettled state of Europe keeps the money marketat fever heat, and there seems little chance of an early improvement. Luckily, the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH did not carry out his notion of intervention the other day, or by this time, probably, a great European war would have been heralded by the first salvo of artillery fired by either side-France or Italy. Let us hope that the cannons won't go off" as an invitation to "come on!" 66 THE law is in a strange position as regards the prize ring, and the sooner an alteration is made with respect to that noble institution the better. It is absurd to think that respectable railway companies and active and intelligent police officers may combine to send off special trains to commit a breach of the peace. Surely if MACE is amenable to the law for the mere intention of fighting, police-constable A 1, who aided the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway in abetting those who were to assist at the said breach of the peace, must come into the same category with MACE. I see Bell's Life speaks of the probable and proximate decease of the noble pastime. And when Bell's Life begins to think that, I fancy the Ring must feel uncomfortable. For my part, though I think it a brutal sport, yet I am not sure I could vote for its extinction. When fists go out, knives come in; and I believe it will be found, that with the decline of the science in late years, there has been an increase of stabbing cases. Here's a job for one of those devoted creatures who delight in drawing up statistics-who can tell how many horseshoe nails are picked up in the London streets per annum, and what is the proportion of married women with a cast in the eye to the rest of the sex, and other equally important matters. It would really be worth knowing how many people are stabbed annually in these days when boxing is in disrepute, and how many in the good old times, when every gentleman could put up his hands scientifically. I know for a fact, that, among the Cornish miners, who wrestle but can't spar, the use of the knife is far too common. WHAT a splendid autumn we are having. I had occasion the other day to travel westward through Bucks and Berks and I think I never saw autumn foliage so rich in tint. The leaves have not yet begun to fall much, so that the woods are in full clothing-but not of greenery. Red, gold, purple, and russet, in glorious contrast, make one half inclined to believe that "an autumn on the Hudson" can scarcely be more brilliant. I trust MR. LEADER has noted the peculiarity of the season and that we shall see some memorials of this lovely autumn in the Royal Academy of 1868. THE Paris Exhibition may remain open a little longer. It is said to be at the special request of the Emperor in order that all his subjects may have an opportunity of seeing the show. Whether this is the case or not of course one can't say, but it looks very much as if it was a further extension of the time for getting in a little money. The show has not been "ran after" (as a grammarian happily phrased it in the Telegraph the other day) so extensively as was expected, but no doubt the scheme has been a sufficiently paying one. If it is not, then we may feel assured no such exhibition ever will pay, for every possible "concession"-even of the right to sit down-was made with a view to turning a little profit. CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 32, RECEIVED OCTOBER 23rd: - Ruby; Walker; Erin-go-Bragh; Vampyre; Mark Tapley; Pedro; Jussie; Clunch; E. T.; W. A. W.; B. M. Brompton; Sweedlepipes; Piggevian; Yerrap; Poth ah; Four Firs; J. R.; Paravassa; Varney the V.; Tim Bobbin; Valentine; Nous vincit; Engineers out of work; Tummy; Four Boobies; S. & K.; Bunnie, P.; E. W. H. & R. W. B.; D. E. H.; Carry Rose A; Bowa; Emily of S.; C. B. H., Chester; Sid; Laura G.; Printer's Devil; Gyp; Towhit; Scarr Wheel; Xarifa; A. J. H.; A. B. Z.; Ci Mawr; Constance; J. W.; Nanny's Pet; Bad Knee; R. B. H.; Sheernasty; Tiny Ditton; A Gowk; Crathes; O. K., Brighton; The Langham Anchorite; Polar; R. O. Y.; Old Trafford; M. M. G.; Edipus Brothers; Bolivar; Buliwood; Wag; Harrow Weald. MAZEPPA. years ago, when only three weeks old, he ran away to Poland, and I ACT I. SCENE 1.-Exterior of OLINSKA's Apartments. Night. Sentry avenged! The jacket and the helmet shall yet be mine! on Battlements. Enter MAZEppa. MAZEPPA.-Olinska, the dewy night is, &c.-the soft beams of early zephyrs will soon, &c., and under these circumstances I call on thee to come forth! OLINSKA (coming from chamber into balcony).—My Cassimir! SENTRY.-Ha, a conversation! It must be the wind. I will report the phenomenon to my employers. [Exit to do so. OLINSKA. I am to be married to the Palatine! MAZEPPA.-Never! I will prevent it. [Exit to do so. Flourish. Enter the CASTELLAN and Suite. CASTELLAN.-My dotter, you are this day to be marryed to the Palatine. OLINSKA. This is indeed sudden. KHAN.-Bring out the cheap Mazeppa banner that we've always kept in readiness for an event of this description! The Mazeppa banner ready emblazoned is brought forth with pomp. Tableau. SCENE 3.-Interior of KHAN's tent. MAZEPPA borne in senseless on litter. [Goes to sleep on the floor. MAZEPPA wakes up. MAZEPPA. Ha! Where am I. (Looks out of tent.) The name on the street-corner says Tartary. Have I then ridden over from Poland, right through Russia into Tartary? It must be so! It must have taken me about eighteen months to accomplish the journey, and yet, although I have been tied hand and foot to a wild horse for that CASTELLAN.-It is. It is now 4 a.m., and I expect him here at 5. considerable time, and have had nothing to eat or drink, here I am At 5.30 a.m. the nuptials will take place. Enter a Messenger. MESSENGER-My Lord, heven now a princely cavalcade can be distinguished by the naked his in the far distance. [Points off Left. CASTELLAN.-It must be tho Palatinu. They have walked over from Warsaw before breakfast. Enter immediately the Palatine's Procession from Right. The PALATINE himself in a Tent Bedstead. MESSENOBI suddenly points off Right. It is observed that the Nobility of Poland wear their frocks fastened behind, and do not wash behind their ears. OLINSKA. Ah me! THE PALATINE (suddenly appearing from behind curtains of Tent Bod). [Awkward pause.. Boh! 'Tis hi! OLINSKA (aside to Castellan).-Go on, it's you. Ghostly Whisper.-My Lord, I THANK you for this honour! CAST. (aside.)-This is going flat. (Aloud)We'd better got on with the toornymong. Grand toornymong. Knights in crumpled armour prod their horses with their swords, and engage. General triumph of everybody in turn, and all at the same time. Everybody crowned—no blanks. SCENE 2.-The PALATINE'S private apartment. PALATINE.-It were a right royal spectacle! But if the orty Castellan had spent less money on his toornymong, and more on far nishing his guests' chamber, it would have been better. PEASANTS.-The wild horse of the Volpas! He is coming! (The wild horse of the Volpas trots across the stage with MAZEPPA on his back.) SCENE 2.-Another part of Tartary. Enter THAMAR. The wild 'orse of the beautifully clean and as fat as ever. A little more, and it would have been almost miraculous. I will celebrate my deliverance by some appropriate gesticulation. Defies the lightning; overhears a conspiracy; ties his sandal; kills Abel; triumphs over Satan; impeaches Warren Hastings; salutes Cæsar, the emperor; bids farewell to all his greatness; carries off the Sabine Women; leaps into the Gulf in the Forum; orders off that bauble; rises from the sea; murders Rizzio, and exit to see what sort of a night it is. ENTER Thamar and Conspirators: THAMAR-NOw to strike the Bul-low that will make me master of Tartaria and a new suit!! Die, thon aged Car! The KHAN starts up, defends himself and is almost overpowered when MAZEPPA comes to his rescue. The KHAN takes new courage and he and MAZEPPA finally triumph over the whole body of conspirators. Tableau (MAZEPPA, KHAN). "The meeting of Wellington and Blucher after Waterloo." MAZEPPA-And now to conquer Poland!: KHAN (not unnaturally).—But why Poland ? [Exeunt to conquer Foland. ACT III.-Poland. Preparations for marriage of the PALATINE. Enter a COMIC AND INDELICATE SERVANT. COMIC S.-Nearly everything I have to say has a double entendre, and I stagger about the stage as if intoxicated. My performance throughout this part is considered the best imitation of drunkenness ever seen in a British theatre. But where are the wandering Tartar acrobats who are to perform before the Mighty Palatine ? Enter the KHAN, Mazeppa, and others, disguised. MAZEPPA. We are here! (Aside) To-day she is to be married to the Palatine. We are, as usual, just in time. Enter OLINSKA, in high spirits, being about to be married to some one she hates. MAZEPPA (aside).-Olinska-do not start-'tis I! We walked over from Tartary this morning. We were three hours crossing Russia. OLINSKA. My Cassimir! THE CASTELLAN.--Let the a-sporruts commence. Enter thousands of sham acrobats, who take Poland by force of arms. Combats of two everywhere. Violent death of all OLINSKA's relations, and ecstacy of OLINSKA herself, who, we hope, will enjoy the change from civilized Poland to barbarian Tartary. Fires of all sorts, and triumph of Tartaria. Banners emblematic of the victory (always kept ready) produced at the moment of Poland's downfall. Flourish. Curtain. OURSELVES.-Fine old crusted absurdity; very well mounted, and always worth seeing. MAZEPPA's dresses in first and third acts worth (probably) millions; in second act, about fourpence-halfpenny. "Tupper'nce more, and up goes, etc." WE have been inundated with letters asking us to inform their writers what is the correct sum to give to the TUPPER Testimonial. We think more especially as it is stated that no account of the money will be rendered-that a tupper-ny subscription will be the best thing under the circumstances. None so Dusty! THE contractor for St. Margaret's and St. John's, Westminster, has to pay three hundred and fifty pounds per annum for the privilege of clearing the parish dust-bins. He has to be down with his dust, in short, before he can take up that of other people! |