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MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.

oppersite to that young gal and me, and I see as she were uncasy, and HER IMPRESSIONS OF NEW YORK.

l'im a-fid gettin' about is feet, and presently he put 'is foot with all 'is

force on my tenderest corn, as is a thing I can't abear touched, so I I don't think as ever I were more thankful in my life than when I up with the umbreller and í give him a hot one across 'is shins. He found myself safe and sound in a comfortable room in a decent house; says, “What do you mean by that ?"' " Why,” I says, “jest what but I says to Joe, “My dear boy, wherover is your wife and children ?' I've done, and I'll do it agin, you ole waggerbone, as

'ave been “Oh,” he says, “Mother, many miles away from this."

annoyin' this young gal with your feet as I've been a-watchin' you !" I must say as I felt 'urt at it's not bein Joe's own 'ome, though not He said as he adn'i, but the young gal said as he 'ad, so I says, “If a comfortable place, and

a old black woman a-cookin', as give us some you dares to molest either 'er or me I'll call that perliceman as Í sees tea; but law bless you the rum things as they 'ad along with tea, for about.” Bless you, he was out of the 'bus in a crack, as give me a there was oysters and fried taters, and love-apples, and cowoumbers, and turn, for they aro sich people for to get in and out while the 'bus is all manner, let alone lamb chops and beel-steaks as was cut werry odd. movin’; and the young gal told me as there was a good many wagaI’adn't no much appetite, and the place seemed to turn me round and bones as was up to them games in 'buses, so I says, “Let me ketch I was werry nigh upset the first thing when I got into the room, for he 'em at it with me, and see if I don't settle 'em pretty quick.” As led says, “ Set down 'ere, mother," and I sot down, and if the chair didn't to a werry unpleasant mistake two days arter; bein' in a 'bus and a give way back'ards with me, as proved to be its nater thro' bein' a old feller oppersite a-movin' his feet about, and me a-thinkin' he was rockin' chair. I give sich a scream, for my 'eels flew up, and even annoyin' the young gal as set next ’im, I give him a wiolent prog on Jos couldn't help laughing. It was a many days afore I could get the toe with my umbreller, as proved to be 'is gouty foot, and the used to their ways and wittles. They eats a lot of what they calls young woman 'is own daughter, and a nice row I got into! corn, as ain't a bit like any corn as ever I see, tho I did used once to Jor he'd a lot of business as would keep 'im for a week or more, so keep fowls, and rubbits too, as used to feed on it. I don't old with he says to me, “ You'd better go and see some of the sights in New their tea, and as to the cold water theyre a-drinkin' constant, if York?" I says, "Law, Joe, I don't want to see no sights, as I'm sure I was to give in to it I should soon be brought to a watery grave. them shops up Broadway is sight enough for any one," and would be a

But no wonder they drinks, for of all the 'eat as ever I did feel; it lovely street only it don't seem to 'ave no shady side like Cheapside ; beat ovens 'oller; and as to the gnats they're as ferocious as tigers, 2- but a bridge across, as is downright necessary, for it's that dangerous. dewourin' you, as is the reason they calls 'em muskeetors; no doubt, as So Joe he says to me, "Mother, don't you bother with nobody.' was always desperate characters, we all know, as they tries to ketch Brown he says, “I should like to see your mother not poke 'er nose with nets over the bed; as is downright foolishness, for I'm sure there into other people's business." was lots on 'em inside the net as were round my bed, and not one on I says, "Mr. Brown, I knows my way about, and as to pokin' my 'em was ketched, and you never see sich a figger as 'I went down to nose, never

you mind so long as it ain't yourn.” “Well," he says, breakfast, regʻlar bunged-up, and that irritatin' as made me scratch "if you gets into a mess Jos must?elp you out.” myself raw. The old nigger woman she told me as there was papers I says, "Jos is one as 'll saccour 'is father and mother, as is 'is for smokin' 'em out of the beds, so I says to 'er, "I knows what will duty;" but little did I think of the trouble as I were a-goin' to get settle 'em, the same as I've 'eard say in England, as is a little gun into, and all for a trifle, for whatever is six cents, as they calls 'em, and powder," as she said she could get me easy, and so she did, as I made ain't more than a penny as I'ad to pay for a ride in one of them street up into a little lump with water and kep it agin night. I did not cars as runs all over the place like a railway without nó engine ? I feel up to much goin' about, so I went to bed early, and there got into one for to go and see & aunt of JOB's wife, as were that was them muskeaters a-flyin about, and a lot inside the net as friendly as she asked me to spend the day with 'er, and me a-startin' was 'angin' over the bod. So I gets into böd, with my little bit of early. gunpowder in a saucer. I'd got a lucifor, as Í struck a light with it That there nigger woman put me on the car, 'as wouldn't 'ardly stop and put it agin the powder, as were damplod; but low bless you, I for me to get in. I set down, tho" there wasn't 'ardly a seat thro' a never did; it flared up like mad, knocked me backwards in the bod, lot gettin' in jest arter me, as collared the Beats pretty quick. I and set that there net in a blaze. I hollered fire, and rolled out of know'd it was their ways to pay the conductor as walks up and down bed, a-draggin' that net along with me, and if Brown and Joe 'adn't a-collectin' the money. I'ad my money ready in my 'and, as were

’, ' a I What with the shock as it give me, and the cat as upset me, I was for the conductor. So I give 'm a dollar--- leastways a bit of s'iled werry bad for three days, and little thought as ever I should 'ave come paper as acts for one, thro' their 'avin' used all their gold and silver in to be nursed by a blackamoor, as was that kind through givin' me a the war, a-makin' bullets on it, I suppose, as I considers shameful turn atween the lights, and standin' by

my bodside and me a-wakin' waste myself, the same as a party I've 'eard tell about as made sandup sudden after dosin off through a bad night, and the sun a-settin' wiches of bank-notes, as did ought to 'ave been whipped, a Pussy; that sudden, no doubt through so much water bein' about, as put 'im Well, this man he didn't say nothink, but takes the money, walks out

of the other end, as their cars is open both ends, as makes 'em werry I don't

think as ever I was so jolted up and down as I were in one drafty, and must be awful in cold weather. I set there a-waitin' for of them 'buses as runs up Broadway with no conductor behind for to my change, when up comes another chap, and asks Werry rough, for let you in. As I 'ailed one myselí a-oldin' my umbreller, but it's my money. I'ad changed my seat once or twice in that car; thro all werry fine for to stop 'em, but'owever to get in I did not see, for the draft, one time, and another time 'cos a party were a-spectoratin the steps is that 'igh that I couldn't ’ardly reach 'em, and the that free as I didn't care about it. So I says to the feller, “I paid as there were not no 'old for the foot; and just as I got in at the door you--leastways, I give a dollar, and wants my change." “Oh," he if the feller didn't drive on, and I must 'ave pitched back'ard out if I says, “I reckon you think as I'm a young 'oss.” 'adn't pitched for'ard and come with my 'ead fall butt agin the end of better reckon what change you've got to give me out of a dollar, and the 'bus as would 'ave stunned me if I'd come with my full force, as give it me pretty quick.” He says, “I never

see your dollar.” “Well,, I were prewented doin', thro' the door a-shettin' with my foot in it as I says, “I give it to the other." "What other " says he. 'eld me back and broke the shock, but pretty nigh broke my ankle too. I says, “ the other as come and stood afore me." He says, “ He ain't

The way them 'buses dawdles up that street is enough to drive you got nothink to do with it; besides," he says, "where's he got to ?". I mad; pot as they can get along any faster, for of all the crowdin' and says, “ 'Ow should I know ? for you're all like a lot of wild beastes, pushin' as ever you see, all a-runnin' one agin another, and nobody a-'oppin' up and down off the thing afore it stops.” He says, “ You pay couldn't never cross but for the police, as is that perlite a-'andin' you your fare or come out of the ear.' I says " I won't." “You must, over, with their straw 'ats and nice white gloves.

says he, “ for here we stops and turns back." I says, “You're a gang of of all the ways for to pay your fare in them 'buses it's the most thieves.” “Come out,” says he; and pulls at me. l'olored “Help!" sing'ler, for you 'as to put the money thro' a little

'ole in the top of and up come a perliceman, as says, "Pay your fare."." I says, “I've the 'bus, a-ringing of a bell, as I'm sure they wouldn't never find paid, and will’ave my change.” Saye the conductor, “She's a regʻlar answer in London, where I've seed parties myself try and cheat the beat; she got on the car and has been a-dodgin' me all about.” conductor afore 'is werry face, and what they'd do with 'is back turned, Well, there was a crowd, and they come all round, so I thought as goodness knows. There was a party in that 'bung Werry civil, as I'd give 'em the slip on the quiet, and was a-walkin' off, when that offered for to 'and up my money, but I says, “You must escuse me, conductor fellow says, "Pay me, or you goes straight off to the stationþut bein' a stranger, I must keep my weather boye ago as made 'im 'ouse," as give me a frightful tuin, a-knowin' as I might be there for look rather foolish.

life, and nobody to get me out. So I was a-goin' to pay over agin, We was a-bumpin' along enough for to loosen every tooth in your when who should I see bat my Jos. I'ollers " JOE!" as loud as I 'ead, and a werry nice young gal got in as were that pretty, as cer. could scream, and over he comes, and glad I was, as he walked me off, tingly most of the 'Merrykens is, I will say, and there was a old feller tho' I was aggrawated with 'im for not-a-stoppin' to tell them as I in the bus as I didn't fancy, thro' a-seein as hold boen and 'ad 'is 'air were respectable, for their remarks was werry free about me, partik’lar dyed a deep black, as looks werry ghastly, I see 'im a-heyin' that the boys, as seem to me to’ave as much cheek as if they was bred and young gal the same as he'd been a-lookin' at me 'afore she got in, as born English, as we all knows is dreadful bad-mannered when not kepim at 'is distance with one of my looks. Well, he was a-settin' kep' in their proper place, as young people did ought to be.

out easy,

narrer

I says, “You'd

“Why. THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE AND MONS. PIERRE.

Baby

Their mothers saw them pale and wan,

Maternal anguish tore each breast, And so they met to find a plan

To set their offsprings' mind at rest.

IN all the towns and cities fair

On Merry England's broad expanse,
No swordsman ever could compare

With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE.
The dauntless lad could fairly hew

A silken bandkerchief in twain,
Divide a leg of mutton too

And this without unwholesome strain.
On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick,

His sabre sometimes he'd employ-
No bar of lead, however thick,

Had terrors for the stalwart boy.
At Dover daily he'd prepare

To hew and slash, behind, before-
Which aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE,

Who watched him from the Calais shore.
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance,

The sight annoyed and vexed him so;
He was the bravest man in France,

He said so, and he ought to know.
“Regardez, donc, ce cochon gros-

Ce polisson! Oh, sacré bleu !
Son sabre, son plomb, et ses gigots !

Comme cela m'ennuye, enfin, mon Dieu
“Il sait que les foulards de soie

Give no retaliating whack-
Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi-

Le plomb don't ever hit you back!”
But every day the headstrong lad

Cut lead and mutton more and more,
And every day, poor PIERRE, half mad,

Shrieked loud defiance from his shore.
HANCE bad a mother, poor and old,

A simple, harmless, village dame,
Who crowed and clapped as people told

Of WINTERBOTTOM's rising fame.
She said, “I'll be upon the spot

To see my Tommy's sabre-play;"
And so she left her leafy cot,

And walked to Dover in a day.
PIERRE had a doting mother, who
Had heard of his

defiant rage :
His ma was nearly ninety-two,

And rather dressy for her age.
At HANCE's doings every morn,

With sheer delight his mother cried ;
And MoksleUR PIERRE's contemptuous scorn,

Filled his mamma with proper pride.
But HANCE's powers began to fail-

His constitution was not strong-
And PIERRE, who once was stout and hale,

Grew thin from shouting all day long.

[graphic]

Said Mrs. HANCE, “Of course I shrinks

From bloodshed, ma'am, as you're aware, But still they'd better meet, I thinks."

“ Assurement !" said MADAME PIERRE. A sunny spot in sunny France

Was hit upon for this affair;
The ground was picked by Mrs. Hance,

The stakes were pitched by MADAME PIERRE. Said Mrs. H., “ Your work you see

Go in my noble boy, and win," “ En garde, mon fils !” said MADAME P.

"Allons!” “Go on!” “En garde !" "Begin!

Bes

(The mothers were of decent size,

Though not particularly tall; But in the sketch that meets your eyes

I've been obliged to draw them small.)

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A LONG TIME AGO.
Embryo Swell :-“STOP A MINUTE! THERE'S NOBODY IN TOWN, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN IT SINCE I WAS A BOY!"

LISPING IN NUMBERS.

CATCHING AT A

AT A STRAW.
TO THE EDITOR OF Fun.

THOUGH the planet of Love has grown dimmer
Sir,-From my earliest childhood I have adored arithmetic, which

And threatens to vanish from sightpeople tell me is a dull and prosaic thing. I deny it!

Though the pale star of Hope gives a glimmer, To prove that it is the highest poetry I will tell my sad story:

And nought but a glimmer, to-nightI loved and was beloved again. I believed I was about to be united

Still the planet and star are above me, to the object of my affections. I believed my state so fortunate that

And neither has left me for good; I seemed to be in heaven. But bate- the hate of another, which has

Though my lady refuses to love me followed me through life-dashed the cup of bliss from my lip.

She says that she would if she could. In the first anguish of my loss I sat down and penned the following

They have plighted her troth to another ;lines. Though a little incoherent, as might be expected under the

She bends to the cruel command circumstances, they are true poetry. I defy you or any one to deny

Of a tyrannous father and mother, it.-Yours, etc.,

A. DISHUN.

Which severs the heart and the hand.
LINES ON A LONG DIVISION.

When I pleaded my depth of devotion
6 +, • , x 8, 11,

She said-or I misunderstood2, 0, 1, 4, 1, 2, 8,

That she might not encourage the notion, 4, 0, * 4, 2, 1, 1, = 7,

But certainly would if she could. 8, 2, 2, x 10, 100, X 5, 8!*

Can I ever be happy, I wonder,

With anyone else for a wife ?
Hoppera Omnia !

No; the Fates that have torn us asunder
As Iowa paper states that a train on the North Western Railway, in

Have made me a Coelebs for life. the western part of the province was delayed an hour and a quarter by

But I've still a reflection to cheer me grasshoppers, “which covered the track so thickly that the engine

And brighten my bachelorhoodslipped on the rails." We suspect that the only hoppers concerned in

Yes; my love in declining to hear me this extraordinary story are tiddyhoppers !”

Confessed that she would if she could. • Qur correspondent will, we fear, hardly persuade any one that his lines are in the least degree approaching to poetry. We read them thus:--Six,

add, divided discharged with a reprimand.

The latest novelty in fire-arms is a gun which is capable of being by, of eight, eleven, two, cipher, unity, four, one, two, eight, four, nought, of four, two, unit, one, equals seven, eight, two, two, of ten, minus, hundred,' of five, eight ;-or to put it in the form of verse :

NOTICE.-On November the 4th, price Twopence,
Sick, sad, divided by of hate a learen,
To sigh for unity--for one to wait-

FUN ALMANACK,
For nought of fortuvate, won, equals Heaven !

Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with

numerous Illustrations, engraved by the Hate-too, too often mine—us sundered. Ob fie, fate !

DALZIEL BROTHEKS.

Loncon: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

October 26, 1867.

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