Loud sneered the doughty man of France, IA FENIAN ANTHEM. By A HEAD CENTRE. Right shoulthers, bedad! (That's yer left, TERRY BRIERLEY!) Kape on marchin', me boys, right away widout cease. 'Tis a moighty fine noight, and it's darkness entirely- Let's go to the barracks to shoot some perlice. “Mais, parbleu! ce n'est pas la guerre !” Sure we've come all the way from Amerrikey, honeys, To lead yez to freedom and tache yez yer dthrill- Likewise for the sake av collectiu' yer moneys- We'll take yer last shillin's, me boys, av ye will ! Av coorse, boys, ye'll thrust us, although we are strangers And thin, since our lives is such precious ones, sure, “The French fop! Pooh!'” our TOMMY cried., Ye'll not moind, whin there's any apparence o' dangers, , Av our safety's the very first thing we secure, Thin, onward to freedom, boys, onward so bould now, Oh, be off, thin, and slarter all Saxons yez find- We'll look arter yer money and jist stop behin. Whist! Trayson among us?-a Saxon is pris'nt ! We're st'throng, too, an' many, an' he's one and wake, else would induce the guardians of the public peace to issue those But since yez moight fetch them perlice wid the shindy curiously minute descriptions of the missing Fenians, KELLY and. Ere this great act of justice to Ireland yez do, Deady, which refer to marks as profoundly hidden as the men who Jist wait till yer leaders has got out o' windy carry them? Not content with the enumeration of teeth which are Sure, we're safe now,--so go it, me boys!--philliloo, absent from the side or back of the jaw, where the deficiency is concealed, or with the reference to scratches on those parts of the limbs which are always covered by clothing, the writer of the bill which Couleur de Rose.. promises a reward of £300 to the informant who shall aid in the capture of the fugitives, actually alludes to a large scar In the reports on the Classes of the Paris. Industrial Exhibition “inside the belly." of one of them. Now, the notion of searching the abdominal prepared by onder of the Committee of Council on Education, we read that in Class, 36, "Jewellery and Precious Stones," M.CoSTLER exhibitsinterior of a concealed Fenian captain for a cicatrice could never occur to the mind of mortal policeman, if that mind were not thoroughly property of becoming perfectly bleached by an exposure of some four minutes to "A rose-pink diamond of some 29 carats, endowed with the extraordinary imbued with transcendental theories of human vision. We hope that ordinary daylight., lt recovers its rose colour at a gentle heat, and retains it for some clairvoyant will speedily earnthe £300. At present the difficulty any length of time'in darkness." seems to be in reconciling the visibility of Deady's intestines with the It is not quite clear to us how it is possible to determine its retention invisibility DEASY. of rose-colour under the condition specified, but so great is our con fidence in the luminaries representing England at the ExpositionA Free (man) Translation. particularl your "black diamond,” Cole—that we are quite willing LORD ABERCORN the other day made a very neat speech on the occa- to believe they are able to see—in the dark! To be sure, the paragraph sion of a distribution of prizes in Ireland. The Freeman's Journal we quote is from the Illustrated London News, in which the literary reports the address in fall, and favours us with a bit of Latin—a prize matter, like the pictures, seems to be produced from blocks. for the translation of which, we trust, was one of those distributed on the occasion. Here is the passage :“I would beg you also to remember, in seeking what are falsely called the Guswers to Correspondents. favours of fortune, that the maxim of 1,700 years ago is as appropriate to our own days as it was to days of old # Nullem numeris, habit si, sit prudentia, nos facimus, fortuna, deam, nos te [We cannot return rejeoted M88. or Sketches unless they are accompanied aetogue locamis.' by a stamped and directed ongelope. We can take no notice of communica“With every wish that your future may be blessed by the result of your own tions with illegible signatures or monograms,] exertions in all that can render you virtuous, saccessful, and happy, I bid you farewell. (Applause.)”. E, M. G. (Glasgow.)-You have omitted to send the envelope as stated. We will, however, keep the MS, for a few days, for you to correct the overNo wonder applause greeted this (according to the F. J.) elegant and sight. accurate quotation! It is to be regretted that his Lordship did not BEATRICE.—Most complimentary, but our modesty will not allow us, to finish the very apt extract print it. "O mihi, dident thatre porter mâca modelo fas entence oflatin!” B.-We have no desire to consult your individual tastes at the expense of numerous subscribers. You have made an ignorant blunder in your solu tion too confidentiy knocked off “in a few minutes." Sheer Nonsense. PAWNEE.-The paddler faces the stern when he ceases to paddle, and In answer to numerons inquiries after NICHOLAB, we beg to place doesn't care where he is going, we fancy. Good morning! C. H. (Weymouth.)-Send us the paper. before our readers the following paragraph from the Glasgow Evening B. JUNIOR-You must B more than junior--minimus to think " leather" Citizen : rhymes with “ever.". Nothing like leather could do that! “ In reference to a statement published this morning, of a Penian raid J., T. P. (Sheffield), cum multis aliis, will pbligo us greatly by underVolunteer armoury at C, in Roepham, Norfolkshire, we have just received the ol standing, once for all, that our Acrostic department is fully supplied. lowing special telegram from Norwich. H. M. (Regent's-square.)-One of the most alarming symptoms conNicholas was never superior to the temptation of a glass or a go. We nected with Fenianism is, in our opinion, the frequent revival of that most presume the two combined were too much for his loyalty. antique joke on Pat-riots. s. c. W. (Kimberley.)-Take our advice, and never attempt comic copy again. We have had some experience, but we were prostrated by the Parliamentary Intelligence. attempt to extract anything funny out of your MS. SKINNEM.-The absence of the birds forms no excuse for your pigeon' MR. E. MIall was lately invited by the electors of Bradford to into us! contest the representation of that borough in the place of the late A SMALL TRAVELLER. — Would you had gone over less paper! MR. WICKHAM. We feel it our duty to contradict the possible rumour E. P. (Shrewsbury.) - What you are so complimentary as to call “ the that the M.P. for Westminster and the supporters of Female Suffrage Great Intellent Journal" has no mind to lend itself to your local jokes. wished to bring forward a lady-candidate, on the ground that."a Miss Declined with thanks :-L. E., Halifax; F. A. K., Brixton; A. M., Glasis as good as a MIALL !” gow; Alumdus; T. F. B., Abbeybix; W. E., Cambridge; A. 'I. J., Gooch-street; P. P.; W. M., Bitteswell; A. H., Manchester ; Xit, Change of Name. Tower-street: B. H.; J. C., Praed-street; B. C. S., Thornhill-crescent; J. H. D'E., Worcester ; D. W.; G. W. P.; Romeo, H. K., Manchester; THE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE's colt is to be known in future as Julius Stephens H. C. Q. R.; W.A. S.; Novice; X. Y. Z.; Sartorius; Rallim, Cæsar-ewitch, in memory of his great victory. Piasgow; D. D., Langham-street. n a A LONG TIME AGO. LISPING IN NUMBERS. CATCHING AT A STRAW. THOUGH the planet of Love has grown dimmer And threatens to vanish from sightpeople tell me is a dull and prosaic thing. I deny it! Though the pale star of Hope gives a glimmer, To prove that it is the highest poetry I will tell my sad story: And nought but a glimmer, to-nightI loved and was beloved again. I believed I was about to be united Still the planet and star are above me, to the object of my affections. I believed my state so fortunate that And neither has left me for good; I seemed to be in heaven. But hate - the hate of another, which has Though my lady refuses to love me followed me through life-dashed the cup of bliss from my lip. She says that she would if she could. In the first anguish of my loss I sat down and penned the following They have plighted her troth to another ;lines. Though a little incoherent, as might be expected under the She bends to the cruel command circumstances, they are true poetry. I defy you or any one to deny Of a tyrannous father and mother, it.-Yours, etc., A. DISHUN. Which severs the heart and the band. When I pleaded my depth of devotion She said-or I misunderstood — 2, 0, 1, 4, 1, 2, 8, That sbe might not encourage the notion, 4, 0, x 4, 2, 1, 1, = 7, But certainly would if she could. 8, 2, 2, x 10, — 100, X 5, 8!* Can I ever be happy, I wonder, With anyone else for a wife ? No; the Fates that have torn us asunder Have made me a Coelebs for life. the western part of the province was delayed an hour and a quarter by But I've still a reflection to cheer me grasshoppers, “which covered the track so thickly that the engine And brighten my bachelorhood slipped on the rails." We suspect that the only hoppers concerned in Yes; my love in declining to hear me this extraordinary story are "tiddyhoppers !” Confessed that she would if she could. Our correspondent will, we fear, hardly persuade any one that his lines are in The latest novelty in tire-arms is a gun which is capable of being the least degree approaching to poetry. We read them thus:--Six, add, divided by, of eight, eleven, two, cipher, unity, four, one, two, eight, four, nought , of four, discharged with a reprimand. NOTICE.-On November the 4th, price Twopence, FUN ALMANACK, Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by the DALZIEL BROTHEKS. Loncon: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hin, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C. October 26, 1867. ON OR, THE SENSATION TWINS. NCE, under Spain's enfeebling sun, Twin brothers lived with me, I call them A. and B. 'Twas rumoured near and far, Were most dissimilar. B.'s eyes were awful small; A. had no nose at all. The middle of his leg; As bald as any eg8. A. had no waist at all; B. just as much too tall. Who further knowledge seeks, The other wrote critiques. Men shunned them as a cuss : Would babble at them thus : We would not on your oath- Exaggerations both ?” “Divide us, please !” they would exclaim, With unabated noise, With these afflicted boys. An armourer by trade “One shilling Damask blade.") These lads their little joke would shout At peaceful OUSEFF's side, “Divide us – pray, divide !" Ho'd laugh, and would declare With all his honest heart, that such A jest was passing rare ! Encouraged in their mirthful play They'd scream and yell and shout, Divide us, please !” till he would say, “Enough, my friends, get out." But still they screamed and would not list, “Divide us, monstrous men!” & Well, since upon it you insist, I will," said honest Ben. You shan't offend again." And cleft them into twain ! Pa Bali I often wish I knew how they Drain their unpleasant cup: Were terribly cut up. Perhaps they groaned and diedPerhaps they joined themselves like this, And gave their legs a ride. And A.'d reply, “ It's very true That I am much too short; And. B., I must admit that you Too tall by half are thought.” “But why this taunt from every curb, In bold defiance hurled ? We wouldn't for the world! “ If you complain we're badly planned, Why all you've got to do Divide the sum by two!” He thought it quaintly rare, To sing it everywhere. له ( Warranted not to Fade. How did MR. GEORGE PEABODY write his six-figure cheques for the benefit of the London poor? With sympathetic ink. Town Talk. 2. DOUBLE ACROSTIC. No. 34. Ar Athens they're going to make him A citizen chiel from henceforth; Well! unless people sadly mistake him, He always was “ very far North.” 1. In savage hordes the Northmen came And gave the land to sword and tiame. And when you've leart the Northman's name, You'll see that this word is the same. 3. His bright and brittle ware, He brought to England o'er down. Meanwhile, From Italy the fair- From proud Venetia's shore. 4. On this blue beauty, I opine, heat, and there seems Men diff'rent verdicts pass— little chance of an Some like it on the banks of Rhine- And others in a glass. b. One whom the poets rave about notion of intervention With most romantic feelingthe other day, or by In real life he is, no doubt, A rogue much given to stealing. 6. By the sad sea waves where the curlows whistle, salvo of artillery fired Unless you're an ass, you'll discover the thistle. by either side-France or Italy. Let us hope that the cannons won't 7. go off" as an invitation to “come on!" The law is in a strange position as regards the prize ring, and the If high out of water you're sailing sooner an alteration is made with respect to that noble institution the This party's a cure for that ailing. better. It is absurd to think that respectable railway companies and 8. active and intelligent police officers may combine to send off special trains—to commit a breach of the peace. Surely if Mace is amenable Uncommonly sadto the law for the mere intention of fighting, police-constable A 1, who In fact almost madaided the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway in abetting those Over mountain and plain she was driven-by gad! who were to assist at the said breach of the peace, must come into the same category with Mace. I see Bell's Life ,speaks of the probable ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 32. and proximate decease of the noble pastime. And when Bell's Life Cow W begins to think that, I fancy the Ring must feel uncomfortable. For my Ich part, though I think it a brutal sport, yet I am not sure I could vote R Rabbi for its extinction. When fists go out, knives como in; and I believe it Colt will be found, that with the decline of the science in late years, there has been an increase of stabbing cases. Here's a job for one of those Eclipse devoted creatures who delight in drawing up statistics—who can tell CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 32, RECEIVED OCTOBER 23rd: – Ruby; Walker; Erin-go-Bragh; Vampyre; Mark Tapley; Pedro ; Jussie; Clunch; how many horseshoe nails are picked up in the London streets per E. T.; W. A. W.; B. M. Brompton; Sweedlepipes; Piggevian; Yerrap'; Poth ah annum, and what is the proportion of married women with a cast in Four Firs; J. R.; Para varsa; Varney the V.; Tim Bobbin; Valentine ; Nous the eye to the rest of the sex, and other equally important matters. vincit; Engineers out of work ; Tummy, Four. Boobies ; S. & K.; Bunnie, p.; E. W.'H. & R. W. B.; D. E. H.; Carry Rose A; Bowa ; Emily of S.; C. B. H., It would really be worth knowing how many people are stabbed Chester; sid; Laura G.; Printer's Devil; Gyp; Towhit; Scarr Wheel; Xarifa annually in these days when boxing is in disrepute, and how many in A. J. H'; A. B. Z.; ci Mawr; Constance; J. W.; Nanny's Pet; Bad Knee; R. the good old times, when every gentleman could put up his hands B. H.; Sheernasty, Tiny Ditton; A Gowk; Crathes; 0. K., Brighton; The Lang. scientifically. I know for a fact, that, among the Cornish miners, Bolivar ; Buliwood; Wag; Harrow Weald. ham Anchorite; Polar; R. O. Y. ; Old Trafford; M. M. G.; (Edipus Brothers; who wrestle but can't spar, the use of the knife is far too common. What a splendid autumn we are having. I had occasion the other day to travel westward through Bucks and Berks and I think I never Touching Incident. saw autumn foliage so rich in tint. The leaves have not yet begun to fall much, so that the woods are in full clothing, but not of greenery: brute creation when well treated by their masters, occurred a few days A WELL authenticated instance of the affection displayed by the Red, gold, purple, and russet, in glorious contrast, make one half inclined to believe that " an autumn on the Hudson" "can scarcely be since on the occasion of a wedding in the family of a country gentlemore brilliant. I trust MR. LEADER has noted the peculiarity of the man. The happy pair were on the point of setting out for their season and that we shall see some memorials of this lovely autumn in honeymoon, when the carriage horse, an old servant, a gallant grey, the Royal Academy of 1868. cast his shoe at the carriage. To the sceptic who suggests that the The Paris Exhibition may remain open a little longer. It is said to wearing out of the shoe was the cause of the occurrence, we reply, be at the special request of the Emperor in order that all his subjects Truth is stranger than Friction. may have an opportunity of seeing the show. Whether this is the case or not of course one can't say, but it looks very much as if it was a Who'll Eat Me? further extension of the time for getting in a little money. The show A TASMANIAN paper states that the pigs which CAPTAIN Cook landed has not been “ran after” (as a grammarian happily phrased it in the in New Zealand have so multiplied, that landlords offer rewards for Telegraph the other day) so extensively as was expected, but no killing them-(do they kill pigs for nothing in England ?)—but the doubt the scheme has been a sufficiently paying one. If it is not, then paper strangely enough omits to add that sage grows there in rank we may feel assured no such exhibition ever will pay, for every possible luxuriance, and that onions are plentiful as blackberries, weighing on “concession"-even of the right to sit down-was made with a view an average 6lb. each. There is also a fair supply of knives and forks, to turning a little profit. but napkins and finger-glasses are scarce. OH OH HHHH 6 MAZEPPA. years ago, when only three weeks old, he ran away to Poland, and I have never seen him since. Bear him to my chamber! ACT I. Scene 1.– Exterior of Olinska's Apartments. Night. Sentry avenged! The jacket and the helmet shall yet be mine! THAMAR.— Then the crown will not be mine! But I will be on Batllements. KHAN.-Bring out the cheap Mazeppa banner that we've always Enter MAZEPPA. kept in readiness for an event of this description! MAZEPPA.–Olinska, the dewy night is, &c.—the soft beams of early The Mazeppa banner ready emblazoned is brought forth with pomp. zephyrs will soon, &c., and under these circumstances I call on thee to Tableau. come forth! OLINSKA (coming from chamber into balcony).- My Cassimir! SCENE 3.- Interior of Khan's tent. MAZEPPA borne in senseless on litter. SENTRY.-Ha, a conversation! It must be the wind. I will report Enter KHAN. the phenomenon to my employers. [Exit to do so. Khan. My long lost son! I will take a nap. OLINSKA.-I am to be married to the Palatine! [Goes to sleep on the floor. MAZEPPA wakes up. MAZEPPA.— Never! I will prevent it. [Exit to do 80. MAZEPPA. Ha! Where am I. (Looks out of tent.) The name on the Flourish. Enter the CASTELLAX and Suite. street-corner says Tartary. Have I then ridden over from Poland, right CASTELLAN. —Dy dotter, you are this day to be marryed to the through Russia, into Tartary? It must be so! It must have taken Palatine. me about eighteen months to accomplish the journey, and yet, OLINSKA.—This is indeed sudden. although I have been tied hand and foot to a wild horse for that CASTELLAN.– It is. It is now 4 a.m., and I expect him here at 5. considerable time, and have had nothing to eat or drink, here I am At 5.30 a.m. the nuptials will take place. beautifully clean and as fat as ever. A little more, and it would have been almost miraculous. I will celebrate my deliverance by some Enter a MESSENGER. appropriate gesticulation. MESSENGER.—My Lord, heven now a princely cavalcade can be distinguished by the naked his in the far distances [Points off Left. Defies the lightning; overhears a conspiracy ; ties his sandal; kills Abel ; CASTELLAN.-It must be the Palatino. They have walkod over from: triumphs over Satan; impeaches Warren Hastings ; snlutes Cæsar, the Warsaw before breakfast. emperor ; bids farewell to all his greatness ; carrios off the Sabine Women; leaps into the Gulf in the Forum ; orders off that: bauble ; rises from the Enter immediately the Palatine's Procession from Right. The PALATINE SEA!; murders Ritzio, and exit to see what sort of a night it is. himself in a Tort Bedstead. MESABNOIU suddenly points off Night.. ENTER. Thamar and Conspirators. . It is observed that the Nobility of Poland wear their frocks fastened behind, and do not wash behind their ears. THAMAR-Now to strike the bull-low that will make me master of Tartaria and a new suit! Die, thou aged. Caw!! OLINSKA.- Ah me! The PALATINE (suddenly appearing from behind curtains of Tent Bed). The KHAN starts up, defends himself and is almost over powered when Boh! 'Tis hi! [Awkward pausa MAZEPPA comes to his rescue. The KHAN takes new courage and he OLINSKA (aside to Castellan).-Go on, it's you. and MAZEPPA finally triumph over the whole body of conspirators. Cast.-Eh? I think not. Tableau (MazerPA, Kuan). “ The meeting of Wellington and Ghostly Whisper. -My Lord, I THANK you for this hondur! Blucher after Waterloo." Cast.—My Lord, I thank you for this honour. MAZEPPA. --And now to conqner Poland !! PALATINE.—The orty Olinska will sonn be my-ino! KHAN (not unmaturally). But why Poland ? Cast. (aside.) — This is going flat. (Aloud).mWo'di better, got on: MAZEPPA.-Because my Olinska, whom I love, is there. with the toornymong. KHAN (policely), Quite so-! [Exeunt to conquer Foland. Grand toornymong. Knights in crumpled armour prod their horses with their swords, and engage. General triumph of everybody in turn, and ACT III.-Poland. Preparations for marriage of the PALATINE. Enter a COMIC AND INDELICATE SERVANT. all at the same time. Everybody crowned—no blanks. Comic S.-Nearly everything I have to say has a double entendre, SCENE 2.- The Palatine's private apartment. and I stagger about the stage as if intoxicated. My performance PALATINE.-It were a right royal spectaclo! But if the orty throughout this part is considered the best imitation of drunkenness Castellan had spent less money on his toorny mong, and more on far ever seen in a British theatre. But where are the wandering Tartar nishing his guests' chamber, it would have been better. acrobats who are to perform before the Mighty Palatine ? Enter MAZEPPA, cloaked and masked. Enter the Khan, Mazeppa, and others, disguised. MAZEPPA.--I have come to kill thee. MAZEPPA.—We are here! (Aside) To-day she is to be married to PALATINE.-Does it not occur to you that this is an uncallod-for the Palatine. We are, as usual, just in time. liberty ? Enter OLINSKA, in high spirits, being about to be married to some one MAZEPPA.-It does. But no matter. There is a sword. Fight. she hates. [PALATINB takes sword, fights, and is killed. MAZFPPA (aside).-Olinska-do not start-'tis I! We walked over Enter EVERYBODY. from Tartary this morning. We were three hours crossing Russia. EVERYBODY.—'Tis Cassimir who killed him. OLINSKA.-My Cassimir ! Cast.—Then tie him to the wild horse of Tartary! The CabTELLAN..-Let the a-sporruts commence. Mazeppa- This is too awful. True, the horse is a compatriot, but Enter thousands of sham acrobats, who take Poland by force of arms. to be lashed to his back! Ah, 'tis a foarful doom! Tableau. Combats of two everywhere. Violent death of all Olinska's relations, SCENE 3.- Eligible Building Plot in Poland. ATTENDANTS bringing in the and ecstacy of OLINSKA herself, who, we hope, will enjoy the change from Wild Horse. Mazeppa is tied on to his back, all scream, and the horse civilized Poland to barbarian Tartary. Fires of all sorts, and triumph trots off. Tableau. of Tartaria, Banners emblematic of the victory (always kept ready) produced at the moment of Poland's downfall. Plourish. Curtain. ACT II, Scene 1.- Tartary. Enter TARTAR SOLDIERS and THAMAR. THAMAR.–The crown will one day be mine. Then I will buy a OURSELVES.-Fine old crusted absurdity; very well mounted, and jacket that is big enough for me. always worth seeing. MAZEPPA's dresses in first and third acts worth (probably) millions; in second act, about fourpence-halfpenny. Enter PeasanTS screaming. PEASANTS.—The wild horse of the Volpas! He is coming! (The wild horse of the Volpas trots across the stage with MAZEPPA ON “ Tupper'nce more, and up goes, etc.” his back.) We have been inundated with letters asking us to inform their SCENE 2.- Another part of Tartary. Enter THAMAR. writers what is the correct sum to give to the Tupper Testimonial. Thamar.—The crown must some day be mine. Then, ha! ha! a We think--more especially as it is stated that no account of the money will be rendered—that a tupper-ny subscription will be the best thing new helmet. Enter PEASANTS. under the circumstances. None so Dusty ! The contractor for St. Margaret's and St. John's, Westminster, has Enter the wild horse of the Volpas as before. Shrab falls on him. Wild to pay three hundred and fifty pounds per annum for the privilege of horse (a nerrous animal) fuints. Enter the Khan. clearing the parish dust-bins. He has to be down with his dust, in KHAN.-Ha! This is evidently my long-lost son, Mazeppa. Twenty short, before he can take up that of other people ! a |
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