LISPING IN NUMBERS.

TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.

SIR,-From my earliest childhood I have adored arithmetic, which people tell me is a dull and prosaic thing. I deny it!

To prove that it is the highest poetry I will tell my sad story. I loved and was beloved again. I believed I was about to be united to the object of my affections. I believed my state so fortunate that I seemed to be in heaven. But hate-the hate of another, which has followed me through life-dashed the cup of bliss from my lip.

In the first anguish of my loss I sat down and penned the following lines. Though a little incoherent, as might be expected under the circumstances, they are true poetry. I defy you or any one to deny it.-Yours, etc., A. DISHUN.

AN Iowa paper states that a train on the North Western Railway, in the western part of the province was delayed an hour and a quarter by grasshoppers, "which covered the track so thickly that the engine slipped on the rails." We suspect that the only hoppers concerned in this extraordinary story are "tiddyhoppers!"

Our correspondent will, we fear, hardly persuade any one that his lines are in the least degree approaching to poetry. We read them thus:-Six, add, divided by, of eight, eleven, two, cipher, unity, four, one, two, eight, four, nought, of four, two, unit, one, equals seven, eight, two, two, of ten, minus, hundred, of five, eight;-or to put it in the form of verse:

THOUGH the planet of Love has grown dimmer
And threatens to vanish from sight-
Though the pale star of Hope gives a glimmer,
And nought but a glimmer, to-night-
Still the planet and star are above me,
And neither has left me for good;
Though my lady refuses to love me
She says that she would if she could.
They have plighted her troth to another;-
She bends to the cruel command
Of a tyrannous father and mother,

Which severs the heart and the hand.
When I pleaded my depth of devotion
She said-or I misunderstood-
That she might not encourage the notion,
But certainly would if she could.

Can I ever be happy, I wonder,
With anyone else for a wife?

No; the Fates that have torn us asunder
Have made me a Coelebs for life.

But I've still a reflection to cheer me
And brighten my bachelorhood-
Yes; my love in declining to hear me
Confessed that she would if she could.

THE latest novelty in fire-arms is a gun which is capable of being discharged with a reprimand.

They loved each other-that they did,
'Twas rumoured near and far,
But from the time each was a kid
Were most dissimilar.

A. had a pair of monstrous eyes,
B.'s eyes were awful small;
B.'s nose attained a fearful size,
A. had no nose at all.

A.'s hair reached, when he shook it out,
The middle of his leg;

B.'s little head was just about

As bald as any egg.

B. had a thin and taper waist,

A. had no waist at all;

A. was too short for proper taste,
B. just as much too tall.

And for his benefit I say

Who further knowledge seeks, The one had Civil Service pay, The other wrote critiques.

They meekly bore their painful lots,

Men shunned them as a cuss:

And little tiny todding tots

Would babble at them thus:

"We don't believe you're human kind-
We would not on your oath-

So unconceivably designed,
Exaggerations both!"

"Divide us, please!" they would exclaim, With unabated noise,

A mania it at length became
With these afflicted boys.

A Turk there was-BEN OUSEFF named,
An armourer by trade

(He was the maker of the famed
"One shilling Damask blade.")
These lads their little joke would shout
At peaceful OUSEFF's side,

And took delight in screaming out,
"Divide us-pray, divide!

The quaint conceit amused him much,
He'd laugh, and would declare
With all his honest heart, that such
A jest was passing rare!
Encouraged in their mirthful play
They'd scream and yell and shout,
Divide us, please!" till he would say,

Enough, my friends-get out."

But still they screamed and would not list, "Divide us, monstrous men!"

"Well, since upon it you insist,

I will," said honest BEN.

"Your joke is getting stale and trite,
You shan't offend again."

And then he smote a mighty smite,
And cleft them into twain!

Bali

VOL. VI.

And A.'d reply, "It's very true
That I am much too short;
And. B., I must admit that you
Too tall by half are thought."

"But why this taunt from every curb, In bold defiance hurled?

The average we don't disturb

We wouldn't for the world!

"If you complain we're badly planned, Why all you've got to do

Is. add us both together and

Divide the sum by two!"

The notion pleased the simple lad,
He thought it quaintly rare,

It soon became his favourite fad
To sing it everywhere.

Town Talk.

BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.

NOTHER great smash

-the failure of the Royal Bank of Liverpool-proves that we are not yet out of the whirlpool produced by the late panic. And it is to be feared that this crash is not likely to be the last. Every such fall shakes other edifices of card-or Banknote paper-and presently they topple down. Meanwhile, the unsettled state of Europe keeps the money market at fever heat, and there seems little chance of an early improvement. Luckily, the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH did not carry out his notion of intervention the other day, or by this time, probably, a great European war would have been

heralded by the first salvo of artillery fired

by either side-France or Italy. Let us hope that the cannons won't "go off" as an invitation to "come on!"

THE law is in a strange position as regards the prize ring, and the sooner an alteration is made with respect to that noble institution the better. It is absurd to think that respectable railway companies and active and intelligent police officers may combine to send off special trains-to commit a breach of the peace. Surely if MACE is amenable to the law for the mere intention of fighting, police-constable A 1, who aided the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway in abetting those who were to assist at the said breach of the peace, must come into the same category with MACE. I see Bell's Life speaks of the probable and proximate decease of the noble pastime. And when Bell's Life begins to think that, I fancy the Ring must feel uncomfortable. For my part, though I think it a brutal sport, yet I am not sure I could vote for its extinction. When fists go out, knives come in; and I believe it will be found, that with the decline of the science in late years, there has been an increase of stabbing cases. Here's a job for one of those devoted creatures who delight in drawing up statistics-who can tell how many horseshoe nails are picked up in the London streets per annum, and what is the proportion of married women with a cast in the eye to the rest of the sex, and other equally important matters. It would really be worth knowing how many people are stabbed annually in these days when boxing is in disrepute, and how many in the good old times, when every gentleman could put up his hands scientifically. I know for a fact, that, among the Cornish miners, who wrestle but can't spar, the use of the knife is far too common.

WHAT a splendid autumn we are having. I had occasion the other day to travel westward through Bucks and Berks and I think I never saw autumn foliage so rich in tint. The leaves have not yet begun to fall much, so that the woods are in full clothing-but not of greenery. Red, gold, purple, and russet, in glorious contrast, make one half inclined to believe that "an autumn on the Hudson" can scarcely be more brilliant. I trust MR. LEADER has noted the peculiarity of the season and that we shall see some memorials of this lovely autumn in the Royal Academy of 1868.

THE Paris Exhibition may remain open a little longer. It is said to be at the special request of the Emperor in order that all his subjects may have an opportunity of seeing the show. Whether this is the case or not of course one can't say, but it looks very much as if it was a further extension of the time for getting in a little money. The show has not been "ran after" (as a grammarian happily phrased it in the Telegraph the other day) so extensively as was expected, but no doubt the scheme has been a sufficiently paying one. If it is not, then we may feel assured no such exhibition ever will pay, for every possible "concession"-even of the right to sit down-was made with a view to turning a little profit.

CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 32, RECEIVED OCTOBER 23rd: Ruby; Walker; Erin-go-Bragh; Vampyre; Mark Tapley; Pedro; Jussie; Clunch; E. T.; W. A. W.; B. M. Brompton; Sweedlepipes; Piggevian; Yerrap; Poth ah; Four Firs; J. R.; Paravassa; Varney the V.; Tim Bobbin; Valentine; Nous vincit; Engineers out of work; Tummy; Four Boobies; S. & K.; Bunnie, P.; E. W. H. & R. W. B.; D. E. H.; Carry Rose A; Bowa; Emily of S.; C. B. H., Chester; Sid; Laura G.; Printer's Devil; Gyp; Towhit; Scarr Wheel; Xarifa; A. J. H.; A. B. Z.; Ci Mawr; Constance; J. W.; Nanny's Pet; Bad Knee; R. B. H.; Sheernasty; Tiny Ditton; A Gowk; Crathes; O. K., Brighton; The LangBolivar; Buliwood; Wag; Harrow Weald. ham Anchorite; Polar; R. O. Y.; Old Trafford; M. M. G.; Edipus Brothers;

MAZEPPA.

on Battlements. Enter MAZEppa.

MAZEPPA.-Olinska, the dewy night is, &c.-the soft beams of early zephyrs will soon, &c., and under these circumstances I call on thee to come forth!

OLINSKA (coming from chamber into balcony).—My Cassimir! SENTRY.-Ha, a conversation! It must be the wind. I will report the phenomenon to my employers. [Exit to do so. [Exit to do so. CASTELLAN.-My dotter, you are this day to be marryed to the

OLINSKA. I am to be married to the Palatine!
MAZEPPA.-Never! I will prevent it.

Palatine.

Flourish. Enter the CASTELLAN and Suite.

OLINSKA. This is indeed sudden.

KHAN.-Bring out the cheap Mazeppa banner that we've always kept in readiness for an event of this description! The Mazeppa banner ready emblazoned is brought forth with pomp.

Tableau.

SCENE 3.-Interior of KHAN's tent. MAZEPPA borne in senseless on litter.
Enter KHAN.
KHAN. My long lost son! I will take a nap.

[Goes to sleep on the floor. MAZEPPA wakes up. MAZEPPA. Ha! Where am I. (Looks out of tent.) The name on the street-corner says Tartary. Have I then ridden over from Poland, right through Russia into Tartary? It must be so! It must have taken me about eighteen months to accomplish the journey, and yet, although I have been tied hand and foot to a wild horse for that

Enter a MESSENGER.

MESSENGER.-My Lord, heven now a princely cavalcade can be distinguished by the naked his in the far distance. [Points off Left. CASTELLAN.-It must be tho Palatine. They have walked over from Warsaw before breakfast.

Enter immediately the Palatine's Procession from Right. The PALATINE himself in a Tent Bedstead. MESSENOBI suddenly points off Right. It is observed that the Nobility of Poland wear their frocks fastened behind, and do not wash behind their ears. OLINSKA-Ah me!

THE PALATINE (suddenly appearing from behind curtains of Tent Bod). [Awkward pause..

Boh! 'Tis hi!

OLINSKA (aside to Castellan).-Go on, it's you.
CAST.-Eh? I think not.

Ghostly Whisper.-My Lord, I THANK you for this honour!
CAST.-My Lord, I thank you for this honour.
PALATINE. The orty Olinska will soon be my-ino!

CAST. (aside.)-This is going flat. (Aloud)We'd better got on with the toornymong.

Grand toornymong. Knights in crumpled armour prod their horses with their swords, and engage. General triumph of everybody in turn, and all at the same time. Everybody crowned-no blanks.

SCENE 2.-The PALATINE'S private apartment. PALATINE.-It were a right royal spectacle! But if the orty Castellan had spent less money on his toornymong, and more on far nishing his guests' chamber, it would have been better. Enter MAZEPPA, cloaked and masked. MAZEPPA. I have come to kill thee. PALATINE.-Does it not occur to you that this is an uncalled-for

liberty?

MAZEPPA.-It does. But no matter. There is a sword. Fight. [PALATINE takes sword, fights, and is killed. Enter EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY.-'Tis Cassimir who killed him. CAST. Then tie him to the wild horse of Tartary! MAZEPPA. This is too awful. True, the horse is a compatriot, but to be lashed to his back! Ah, 'tis a fearful doom! [Tableau. SCENE 3.-Eligible Building Plot in Poland. ATTENDANTS bringing in the Wild Horse. MAZEPPA is tied on to his back, all scream, and the horse trots off. Tableau.

ACT II. SCENE 1.-Tartary. Enter TARTAR SOLDIERS and THAMAR. THAMAR.-The crown will one day be mine. Then I will buy a jacket that is big enough for me.

Enter PEASANTS screaming.

beautifully clean and as fat as ever. A little more, and it would have been almost miraculous. I will celebrate my deliverance by some appropriate gesticulation.

Defies the lightning; overhears a conspiracy; ties his sandal; kills Abel; triumphs over Satan; impeaches Warren Hastings; salutes Cæsar, the emperor; bids farewell to all his greatness; carries off the Sabine Women; leaps into the Gulf in the Forum ; orders off that bauble; rises from the sea; murders Rizzio, and exit to see what sort of a night it is. ENTER Thamar and Conspirators:

THAMAR NOw to strike the bul-low that will make me master of Tartaria and a new suit! Die, thou aged Car!

The KHAN starts up, defends himself and is almost overpowered when MAZEFRA comes to his rescue. The KHAN takes new courage and he and MAZEPPA finally triumph over the whole body of conspirators. Tableau (MAZEPPA, KHAN). "The meeting of Wellington and Blucher after Waterloo."

MAZEPPA-And now to conquer Poland!:

KHAN (not unnaturally).—But why Poland ?
MAZEPPA. Because my Olinska, whom I love, is there.
KHAN (politely),-Quite so!

[Exeunt to conquer Foland.

ACT III.-Poland. Preparations for marriage of the PALATINE.
Enter a COMIC AND INDELICATE SERVANT.

COMIC S.-Nearly everything I have to say has a double entendre, and I stagger about the stage as if intoxicated. My performance throughout this part is considered the best imitation of drunkenness ever seen in a British theatre. But where are the wandering Tartar acrobats who are to perform before the Mighty Palatine?

Enter the KHAN, Mazeppa, and others, disguised. MAZEPPA.-We are here! (Aside) To-day she is to be married to the Palatine. We are, as usual, just in time.

Enter OLINSKA, in high spirits, being about to be married to some one she hates.

MAZFPPA (aside).-Olinska-do not start-'tis I! We walked over from Tartary this morning. We were three hours crossing Russia. OLINSKA. My Cassimir!

THE CASTELLAN.--Let the a-sporruts commence. Enter thousands of sham acrobats, who take Poland by force of arms. Combats of two everywhere. Violent death of all OLINSKA's relations, and ecstacy of OLINSKA herself, who, we hope, will enjoy the change from civilized Poland to barbarian Tartary. Fires of all sorts, and triumph of Tartaria. Banners emblematic of the victory (always kept ready) produced at the moment of Poland's downfall. Flourish. Curtain. OURSELVES.-Fine old crusted absurdity; very well mounted, and always worth seeing. MAZEPPA's dresses in first and third acts worth (probably) millions; in second act, about fourpence-halfpenny.

"Tupper'nce more, and up goes, etc."

WE have been inundated with letters asking us to inform their writers what is the correct sum to give to the TUPPER Testimonial. We think more especially as it is stated that no account of the money will be rendered-that a tupper-ny subscription will be the best thing under the circumstances.

None so Dusty!

THE Contractor for St. Margaret's and St. John's, Westminster, has to pay three hundred and fifty pounds per annum for the privilege of clearing the parish dust-bins. He has to be down with his dust, in short, before he can take up that of other people!

FROM OUR STALL.

A TWO-ACT farce, by MR. MADDISON MORTON, If I Had A Thousand A-Year, has been brought out at the Olympic. Last week we complained that MR. CHARLES MATHEWS was playing the same parts week after week and month after month; and this week we have to congratulate him on his appearance in a character which suits his light and lively manner exactly. There is very little plot in the new adaptation, but the writing is fluent and clever. Here, for instance, is a neat pun. The wife is finding fault with her husband for not being contented with his lot. "That's all very well," is the answer, "but it's not a lot-it's only a little." As a matter of course, the leading part is played by MR. MATHEWS; he scarcely leaves the stage for a minute throughout the two acts, and carries off the piece triumphantly on his own shoulders, He is Mr. Paddington Green, a clerk in Somerset House, with four hundred a-year for a salary, looking barely thirty-dressing in admirable taste-and pattering like a storm in harvest. MR. HORACE WIGAN, as an M.P. who calls himself independent and seems to be everybody's slave, plays with a good deal of humour. MISS LOUISA MOORE has to dress prettily and look lovely; she does it as nicely as though nothing in the world were easier. Some people are born with it-we mean the loveliness, not the costume. MRS. ST. HENRY plays with effect the part of a handsome and rather tyrannical wife. The farce is deservedly a success.

The new Adelphi drama, Maud's Peril, is also a success. The four acts are very long and must be cut without mercy, but the piece is admirably put upon the stage and admirably acted. We fear that, inasmuch as the Adelphi scenery-hitherto unenviably proverbial-is concerned, our critical occupation is henceforward lost. The four scenes of Maud's Peril are charmingly painted. The story of the piece is conventional enough. A young lady marries a baronet; her old love, supposed dead, suddenly turns up. The lady, who has been to see Macbeth in her youth, takes to walking in her sleep, and betrays the secret of her early love to the baronet. Of course the baronet

expires at the conclusion of the piece, and the lady marries No. 1. Al this is very well, but rather tediously explained by MR. WATTS PHILLIPS. The performance of the drama is capital. MR. BELMORE plays admirably, but is a little too slow. MR. BILLINGTON's make-up is most artistic. Miss HERBERT looks elegant, but plays without much passion, and MRS. BILLINGTON makes a small part prominent by playing it delightfully.

A-MEWS-MENT.

MINE be-an anything you like,
A cot, a palace, or an attic,
For extra comforts I don't strike,
My ways will never be erratic.
I live a lowly sort of life,
My habits are misogynistic;
I shudder at the name of wife,
And think celibacy artistic.
I've simple joys above the mews

Which border on my dwelling humble,
The winter chills, and summer stews,
And forges clink-I never grumble.
All night the traps of fashion whirl,
And female imprecations linger,
And when I wake, the ostler's girl
Plays "Not for Joseph" with one finger!

A Good Haul.

Two friends of ours went out fishing off Margate the other day. They only caught one pla(i)ce, but that was a big one-the bottom of the channel.

"EVERYTHING by turns and nothing long."-A kaleidoscope.