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NCE, under Spain's enfeebling sun,

Twin brothers lived with me,
And, personality to shun,

I call them A. and B.
They loved each other-that they did,

'Twas rumoured near and far,
But from the time each was a kid

Were most dissimilar.
A. bad a pair of monstrous eyes,

B.'s eyes were awful small;
B.'s nose attained a fearful size,

A. had no nose at all.
A.'s hair reached, when he shook it out,

The middle of his leg;
B.'s little head was just about

As bald as any egg.
B. had a thin and taper waist,

A. had no waist at all;
A. was too short for proper taste,

B. just as much too tall.
And for his benefit I say

Who further knowledge seeks,
The one had Civil Service pay,

The other wrote critiques.
They meekly bore their painful lots,

Men shunned them as a cuss :
And little tiny todding tots

Would babble at them thus :
“We don't believe you're human kind-

We would not on your oath-
So unconceivably designed,

Exaggerations both ?"

“Divide us, please !” they would exclaim,

With unabated noise,
A mania it at length became

With these afflicted boys.
A Turk there was-BEN OUseff named,

An armourer by trade
(He was the maker of the famed

“One shilling Damask blade.'') These lads their little joke would shout

At peaceful OUserF's side,
And took delight in screaming out,

“Divide us – pray, divide !
The quaint conceit amused him much,

He'd laugh, and would declare With all his honest heart, that such

A jest was passing rare ! Encouraged in their mirthful play

They'd scream and yell and shout, Divide us, please !” till he would say,

“Enough, my friends-get out." But still they screamed and would not list,

“Divide us, monstrous men!” & Well, since upon it you insist,

I will," said honest Ben.
Your joke is getting stale and trite,

You shan't offend again."
And then he smote a mighty smite,

And cleft them into twain !




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I often wish I knew how they

Drain their unpleasant cup:
I only know that A. and B.

Were terribly cut up.
Perhaps they lived in severed bliss,

Perhaps they groaned and diedPerhaps they joined themselves like this,

And gave their legs a ride.

And A.'d reply, "It's very true

That I am much too short; And. B., I must admit that you

Too tall by half are thought.” “But why this taunt from every curb,

In bold defiance hurled ?
The average we don't disturb-

We wouldn't for the world! “If you complain we're badly planned,

Why all you've got to do
Is. add us both together and

Divide the sum by two!"
The notion pleased the simple lad,

He thought it quaintly rare,
It soon became his favourite fad

To sing it everywhere.

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No. 34.

Ar Athens they're going to make him

A citizen chiel from henceforth;
NOTHER great smash

Well! unless people sadly mistake him,
-the failure of the

He always was very far North.”
Royal Bank of Liver-
pool-proves that we
are not yet out of

the whirspool pro-

In savage hordes the Northmen came
duced by the late

And gave the land to sword and flame.
panic. And it is to be
feared that this crash

is not likely to be the

And when you've leart the Northman's name, last. Every such fall

You'll see that this word is the same.
shakes other edifices

of card-or Bank-
note paper-and pre-

His bright and brittle ware,
sently they topple

He brought to England o'er down. Meanwhile,

From Italy the fair-
the unsettled state of

From proud Venetia's shore.
Europe keeps the
money market atfever

On this blue beauty, I opine,
heat, and there seems

Men diff'rent verdicts passlittle chance of an

Some like it on the banks of Rhine-
early improvement.

And others in a glass.
Luckily, the EM-

did not carry out his

One whom the poets rave about notion of intervention

With most romantic feelingthe other day, or by

In real life he is, no doubt,
this time, probably,

A rogue much given to stealing.
a great European war
have been

heralded by the first

By the sad sea waves where the curlews whistle, salvo of artillery fired

Unless you're an ass, you'll discover the thistle. by either side-France or Italy. Let us hope that the cannons won't “go off" as an invitation to “come on!” The law is in a strange position as regards the prize ring, and the

If high ont of water you're sailing sooner an alteration is made with respect to that noble institution the

This party's a cure for that ailing. better. It is absurd to think that respectable railway companies and

8. active and intelligent police officers may combine to send off special trains—to commit a breach of the peace. Surely if Mace is amenable

Uncommonly sadto the law for the mere intention of fighting, police-constable A 1, who

In fact almost madaided the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway in abetting those

Over mountain and plain she was driven-by gad! who were to assist at the said breach of the peace, must come into the same category with Mace. I see Bell's Life speaks of the probable

ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 32. and proximate decease of the noble pastime. And when Bell's Life

Cow begins to think that, I fancy the Ring must feel uncomfortable. For my

I Ich H part, though I think it a brutal sport, yet I am not sure I could vote

R Rabbi I for its extinction. When fists go out, knives come in; and I believe it

Colt T will be found, that with the decline of the science in late years, there

E Eclipse E has been an increase of stabbing cases. Here's a job for one of those devoted creatures who delight in drawing up statistics—who can tell


Walker; Erin-go-Bragh; Vampyre; Mark Tapley; Pedro ; Jussie; Clunch; how many horseshoe nails are picked up in the London streets per E. T.; W. A. W.; B. M. Brompton; Sweedlepipes; Piggevian; Yerrap; Poth ah; annum, and what is the proportion of married women with a cast in Four 'Firs; J. R.; Paravassa; Varney the V.; Tim Bobbin; Valentine; Nous the eye to the rest of the sex, and other equally important matters.

vincit; Engineers out of work; Tummy; Four Boobies; S. & K.; Bunnie, P.; It would really be worth knowing how many people are stabbed Chester; Sid; Laura G.; Printer's Devil; Gyp; Towhit; Scarr Wheel; Xarifa

E. W. H. & R. W. B.; D. E. I.; Carry Rose A; Bowa; Emily of S.; C. B. H., annually in these days when boxing is in disrepute, and how many in A. J. H.; A. B. Z.; ci Mawr; Constance; J. W.; Nanny's Pet; Bad Knee; R. the good old times, when every gentleman could put up his hands B. H.; Sheernasty, Tiny

Ditton; A Gowk; Crathes; 0. K., Brighton; The Långscientifically. I know for a fact, that, among the Cornish miners, Bolivar; Buliwood ; Wag; Harrow Weald.

ham Anchorite; Polar; R. O. Y.; Old Trafford; M. M. G.; Edipus Brothers; who wrestlé but can't spar, the use of the knife is far too common.

What a splendid autumn we are having. I had occasion the other day to travel westward through Bucks and Berks and I think I never

Touching Incident. saw autumn foliage so rich in tint. The leaves have not yet begun to fall much, so that the woods are in full clothing—but not of greenery. brute creation when well treated by their masters, occurred a few days

A WELL authenticated instance of the affection displayed by the Red, gold, purple, and russet, in glorious contrast, make one half more brilliant. I trust Mr. Leader has noted the peculiarity of the honeymoon, when the carriage horse, an old servant, a gallant grey, inclined to believe that " an autumn on the Hudson" "can scarcely be since on the occasion of a wedding in the

family of a country gentle

man. The happy pair were on the point of setting out for their season and that we shall see some memorials of this lovely autumn in cast his shoe at the carriage. To the sceptic who suggests that the the Royal Academy of 1868.

The Paris Exhibition may remain open a little longer. It is said to wearing out of the shoe was the cause of the occurrence, we reply, be at the special request of the Emperor in order that all his subjects

Truth is stranger than Friction. may have an opportunity of seeing the show. Whether this is the case or not of course one can't say, but it looks very much as if it was a

Who'll Eat Me? further extension of the time for getting in a little money. The show A TASMANIAN paper states that the pigs which CAPTAIN Cook landed has not been "ran after” (as a grammarian happily phrased it in the in New Zealand have so multiplied, that landlords offer rewards for Telegraph the other day) so extensively as was expected, but no killing them—(do they kill pigs for nothing in England ?)- but the doubt the scheme has been a sufficiently paying one. If it is not, then paper strangely enough omits to add that sage grows there in rank we may feel assured no such exhibition ever will pay, for every possible luxuriance, and that onions are plentiful as blackberries, weighing on “ concession "- even of the right to sit down--was made with a view an average 6lb. each. There is also a fair supply of knives and forks, to turning a little profit.

but napkins and finger-glasses are scarce.


years ago, when only three weeks old, he ran away to Poland, and I

have never seen him since. Bear him to my chamber! ACT I. SCENE 1.– Exterior of Olinska's Apartments. Night. Sentry avenged! The jacket and the helmet shall yet be mine!

THAMAR.- Then the crown will not be mine! But I will be on Battlements.

KHAN.–Bring out the cheap Mazeppa banner that we've always Enter MAZEPPA.

kept in readiness for an event of this description ! MAZEPPA.–Olinska, the dewy night is, &c.—tho soft beams of early The Mazeppa banner ready emblazoned is brought forth with pomp. zephyrs will soon, &c., and under these circumstances I call on thee to

Tableau. come forth! OLINSKA (coming from chamber into balcony).—My Cassimir!

SCENE 3.—Interior of Khan's tent. MAZEPPA borne in senseless on litter. SENTRY.-Ha, a conversation! It must be the wind. I will report

Enter Kuan. the phenomenon to my employers.

[Exit to do so. KHAN. My long lost son! I will take a nap. OLINSKA.-I am to be married to the Palatine!

[Goes to sleep on the floor. MAZEPPA wakes up. MAZEPPA.-Never! I will prevent it.

[Exit to do so. MAZEPPA. Ha! Where am I. (Looks out of tent.) The name on the Flourish. Enter the CASTELLAN and Suite.

street-corner says Tartary. Have I then ridden over from Poland, right CASTELLAN.—My dotter, you are this day to be marryed to the through Russia into Tartary? It must be so! It must have taken Palatine.

me about eighteen months to accomplish the journey, and yet, OLINSKA.—This is indeed sudden.

although I have been: tied hand and foot to a wild horse for that CASTELLAN.-It is. It is now 4 a.m., and I expect him here at 5. considerable time, and have had nothing to eat or drink, here I am At 5.30 a.m. the nuptials will take place.

beautifully clean and as fat as ever. A little more, and it would have

been almost miraculous. I will celebrate my deliverance by some Enter a MESSENGER.

appropriate gesticulation. MESSENGER.—My Lord, heven now a princely cavalcade can be distinguished by the naked his in the far distance. [Points of Lofti

Defies the lightning; overhears a conspiracy; tie his sandal; kills Abel ; CASTELLAN.It must be tho Palatino. They have walked over from

triumphs over Satan; impeaches Warren Hastings ; salutes Cæsar, the Warsaw before breakfast.

emperor ; bids farewell to all his greatness; carries of the Sabine Women;

leaps into the Gulf in the Forum ; orders off thati bauble ; rises from the Enter immediately the Palatine's Procession from Right. The PALIATINE scal; murders Ritzio, and exit to see what sort of a night it is. himself in a Tent Bedstead. MESSENOHU suddenly points of Nighti.

ENTER. Thamar and Conspirators: It is observed that the Nobility of Poland wear their frooks fastened behind, and do not wash behind their ears.

THAMAR. Now to strike the bulllow that will make me master of

Tartaria and a new suit! Dio, thou aged Cam!!
The PALATINE (suddenly appearing from behind curtains of Tent Bed).

The KHAN starts up, defends himself and is almost overpowered when Boh! 'Tis hi!

[Awkward pausa

MAZBPPA comes to his rescue. The KHAN takes: new courage and he OLINSKA (aside to Castellan).-Go on, it's you.

and MAZEPPA finally triumph over the whole body of conspirators. Cast.-Eh? I think not.

Tableau (MazeMPA, KUAN). "The meeting of Wellington and Ghostly Whisper. -My Lord, I THANK you for this hondur!

Blucher after Waterloo." Cast.-My Lord, I thank you for this honour.

MAZEPPA-And now to conquer Poland!! PALATINE.-The orty Olinska will soon be my-ino!

KHAN (not unnaturally).-Bat why Poland ? Cast. (aside.)-—This is going tlat. (Aloud). We'd better got on MAZEPPA. Because my Olinska, whom I love, is there. with the toornymong.

Khan (politely);Quite sos!

[Exeunt to conquer Foland. Grand toornymong. Knights in crumpled armour prod their horses with

ACT III.-Poland. Preparations for marriage of the PALATINE.“ their swords, and engage. General triumph of everybody in turn, and

Enter a COMIC AND INDELICATE SERVANT. all at the same time. Everybody crowned--no blanks.

Comic S.-Nearly everything I have to say has a double entendre, SCENE 2.The Palatine's private apartment.

and I stagger about the stage as if intoxicated. My performance PALATINE.-It were a right royal spectacle! But if the orty throughout this part is considered the best imitation of drunkenness Castellan had spent less money on his toornymong, and more on far ever seen in a British theatre. But where are the wandering Tartar nishing his guests' chamber, it would have been better.

acrobats who are to perform before the Mighty Palatine ? Enter MAZEPPA, cloaked and masked.

Enter the Khan, Mazeppa, and others, disguised. MAZEPPA.--I have come to kill thee.

MAZEPPA.—We are here! (Aside) To-day she is to be married to PalatiNE.—Does it not occur to you that this is an uncallod-for, the Palatine. We are, as usual, just in time. liberty?

Enter OLINSKA, in high spirits, being about to be married to some one MAZEPPA.-It does. But no matter. There is a sword. Fight.

she hates. [PALATINE takes sword, fights, and is killed. MAZFPPA (aside).-Olinska-do not start-'tis I! We walked over Enter EVERYBODY.

from Tartary this morning. We were three hours crossing Russia. EVERYBODY.—'Tis Cassimir who killed him.

OLINSKA.-My Cassimir! Cast.—Then tie him to the wild horse of Tartary!

The CASTELLAN.---Let the a-sporruts commence. MAZEPPA.—This is too awful. True, the horse is a compatriot, but Enter thousands of sham acrobats, who take Poland by force of arms. to be lashed to his back! Ah, 'tis a foarful doom! Tableau. Combats of two everywhere. Violent death of all OLINSKA's relations, Scene 3.- Eligible Building Plot in Poland. ATTENDANTS bringing in the

and ecstacy of OLINSKA herself, who, we hope, will enjoy the change from Wild Horse. MAZBPPA is tied on to his back, all scream, and the horse

civilized Poland to barbarian Tartary. Fires of all sorts, and triumph trots off. Tableau.

of Tartaria. Banners emblematic of the victory (always kept ready)

produced at the moment of Poland's downfall. Flourish. Curtain. ACT II. Scene 1.—Tartary. Enter TARTAR SOLDIER8 and THAMAR. THAMAR.–The crown will one day be mine. Then I will buy a

OURSELVES.-Fine old crusted absurdity ; very well mounted, and jacket that is big enough for me.

always worth seeing. MAZEPPA's dresses in first and third acts worth

(probably) millions; in second act, about fourpence-halfpenny. Enter PeasANTS screaming, PEABANTS.—The wild horse of the Volpas! He is coming! (The wild horse of the Polpas trots across the stage with MAZEPPA on

“ Tupper'nce more, and up goes, etc." his back.)

We have been inundated with letters asking us to inform their SCENE 2.- Another part of Tartary. Enter THAMAR.

writers what is the correct sum to give to the TUPPER Testimonial. THAMAR.-The crown must some day be mine. Then, ha! ha! a

We think-more especially as it is stated that no account of the money

will be rendered-that a tupper-ny subscription will be the best thing new helmet. Enter PEASANTS.

under the circumstances.
PBASANT—The wild horse of the Volpas !
Comic Peasant (to give a local colouring) The wild 'orse of the

None so Dusty!
Wollopers !

The contractor for St. Margaret's and St. John's, Westminster, has Enter the wild horse of the Volpas as before. Shrub falls on him. Wild to pay three hundred and fifty pounds per annum for the privilege of horse (a nerrous animal) fuints. Enter the Kuan.

clearing the parish dust-bins. He has to be down with his dust, in Kuan.-Ha! This is evidently my long-lost son, Mazeppa. Twenty short, before he can take up that of other people !


The little boy has strict orders to watch old Stoutman's float, and to wake him up in case of a bite. Of course he obeys !

[MORAL.-If you want anything done, there's nothing like doing it yourself.


expires at the conclusion of the piece, and the lady marries No. 1. Al

this is very well, but rather tediously explained by Mr. Watts A TWO-ACT farce, by MR. MADDISON MORTON, If I Had A Thousand PHILLIPS. The performance of the drama is capital. Mr. Belmore A-Year, has been brought out at the Olympic. Last week we com- plays admirably, but is a little too slow. Mr. Billington's make-up plained that MR. CHARLES MATHEW8 was playing the same parts week is most artistic. Miss HERBERT looks elegant, but plays without much after week and month after month; and this week we have to con passion, and Mrs. BILLINGTON makes a small part prominent by gratulate him on his appearance in a character which suits his light and playing it delightfully. lively manner exactly. There is very little plot in the new adaptation, but the writing is fluent and clever. Here, for instance, is a neat pun.

A-MEWS-MENT. The wife is finding fault with her husband for not being contented with his lot. “That's all very well," is the answer, “but it's not a lot-it's

Mine be—an anything you like, only a little.” As a matter of course, the leading part is played by

A cot, a palace, or an attic, MR. MATHEWB; he scarcely leaves the stage for a minute throughout

For extra comforts I don't strike, the two acts, and carries off the piece triumphantly on his own

My ways will never be erratic. shoulders, He is Mr. Paddington Green, a clerk in Somerset House,

I live a lowly sort of life, with four hundred a-year for a salary, looking barely thirty-dressing

My habits are misogynistic; in admirable taste-and pattering like a storm in harvest. MR.

I shudder at the name of wife, HORACE WIGAN, as an M.P. who calls himself independent and seems

And think celibacy artistic. to be everybody's slave, plays with a good deal of humour. Miss Louisa MOORE has to dress prettily and look lovely; she does it as

I've simple joys above the mews

Which border on my dwelling humble, nicely as though nothing in the world were easier. Some people are

The winter chills, and summer stews, born with it-we mean the loveliness, not the costume. Mrs. ST.

And forges clink-I never grumble. HENRY plays with effect the part of a handsome and rather tyrannical wife. The farce is deservedly a success,

All night the traps of fashion whirl, The new Adelphi drama, Maud's Peril, is also a success. The four

And female imprecations linger,

And when I wake, the ostler's girl acts are very long and must be cut without mercy, but the piece is admirably put upon the stage and admirably acted. We fear that,

Plays “Not for Joseph" with one finger! inasmuch as the Adelphi scenery-hitherto unenviably proverbial—is concerned, our critical occupation is henceforward lost. The four

A Good Haul. scenes of Maud's Peril are charmingly painted. The story of the piece Two friends of ours went out fishing off Margate the other day. is conventional enough. A young lady marries a baronet; her old They only caught one pla(i)ce, but that was a big one-the bottom of love, supposed dead, suddenly turns up. The lady, who has been to the channel. see Macbeth in her youth, takes to walking in her sleep, and betrays the secret of her early love to the baronet. Of course the baronet “EVERYTHING by turns and nothing long."- A kaleidoscope.

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