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For instance_MR. SHARPE's a fool;

Than GOODMAN there was ne'er a subtler;
While USHER never went to school,

And MR. BISHOP is a butler.
There's Savage- quite a mild young card ;

And old McLean's to study Banting;
WILDE for the Church is reading hard,

While QUICKB can't hurry without panting!
CRAVEN's seen service with the “Blues,"

And BATCHELOR has twice been wedded;
While MARKER cannot hold his cues,

And LOVER by the girls is dreaded.
I know that Slack gets awful tight,

And Deacon only sweeps a crossing;
Day has been lately made a knight,

And HALE is on a sick-bed tossing!
JACK SLENDER cannot see his seals,

Toogood they have some thoughts of hanging;
WV JSEMAN's a follower of BEALES !

Mann's frightened at a rifle's banging;
Short in his socks is six feet four;

Rick as a bankrupt's just gazetted,
SHEPHERD commands a rifle corps,

JOLLY to skin and bone has fretted!.
CLARKE cannot write with any oase,

Farmer grows nothing but his whiskers;
Nelson was never on the seas,

And Sterne and Priest are really “ friskera."
Cooke only cooks his own accounts;

WALKEk of riding gets a plenty; .
HORSEMAN a charger never mounts,

And I am Gray, though only twenty!


Well-informed and compassionate youth :-IT AN'T XO USE YER VAITIN'

Theatrical. SNIGGs, who is a merry wag, hearing that The Liar was originally played by Foote, said he supposed CHARLEY MATiews had altered the title, for to have been played by foot it must have been a harp with pedals.


The Life of the Chevalier Bayard. If the other volumes are as interest

ing, and appear in as pleasing a setting, the publishers ought to have If we were several children—we are too big to squeeze down con

big to squeeze down con- | nothing to complain of. veniently into one-we should be unanimous in declaring that the Messrs. WARNE and Co. send us The Model Cookery and Housekeeping funniest and jolliest book we have seen for a long time is A Bushel of | Book, edited by M188 JEWRY, a copious but not inordinately over-stuffed Merry Thoughts (ME88Rs. Low, Son, and MARSTON). The illustrations, collection of good receipts, illustrated by colour-plates so good that we outrageously quaint, are by WILHELM Busch, and MR. HARRY ROGERS should think a duly-qualified cook who could not read might make her supplies graceful yet laughable tailpieces and headings, and an ex dishes up from them. This is a book that has been long wanted, for planatory text in comic doggerel. The cover, which is one of the best we have had nothing of the sort, unless we must reckon that ponderous bits of colour printing we remember to have seen, for brilliancy and and pretentious work, Beeton's Book of Household Management, with its effect, is quite enough to attract the little folk. But the contents ! smattering of natural history and anecdote as a make-weight. The There's the story of the two naughty little boys of Corinth, who wise housewife will welcome the Model Cookery Book, which does not would plague DIOGENES, and came to grief accordingly. There's the profess to be more than it is, and better still, is what it professes to be. thrilling history of the little boy and girl who, through a love of Sea-Fights, a Book for Boys (WARNE AND Co.), giving a stirring account sugar-bread, were nearly eaten by an ogre and ogress. There is the of our great naval battles, will, we venture to prophecy, be very popular sensational story of the cat and the mouse, with which are incorporated among the bigger boys this Christmas, while the little folks are catered a lamp, a pair of trousers, a pan of blacking, and a boot with a hole in for in Nursery Tales, à New Version (same publishers). it. And lastly, not leastly, there's the tragical tale of the little boy who would go skating, and was first frozen too hard, and then thawed too soft. The drawings are really funny bad drawings—bad of malice

A Conundrum. aforethought, every line having a purpose. LANDSEER himself could

BY A VERY RUDE OLD PARTY. not have put more expression into the hind-legs of the cat shut in the door at page 12 of the second story. We commend the book to all

Why is a lady's throat like an appendage to her watch 2-Because lovers of genuine fun, young or old.

| it's a chatter-lane (chatelaine). A VERY charming little book is The Children's Poetry Book (MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE and Sons); with seventy illustrations, sixteen of which are

Favoured by Lord Dundreary. coloured ones not mere garish daubs, but pleasant bits of colour, to Why is the six-horse roller at work in Hyde-park like an Ancient which the ME88Rs. Dalziel need not be ashamed to put their name. Briton P_Because it's " weawing the woad.” The collection comprises all the best poems in the infantine repertory, and the smaller cuts are, though slight, thoroughly artistic-one of the most desirable qualifications for illustrations intended for

Give him his Due. children.

It is altogether too absurd to say that “Man is not perfect"-who MEsbkg. Low, Son and MARSTON are publishing a tastily bound and is there who has not met with many who were perfect strangers, some nicely printed series, which takes its name from the first volume- who were perfect rascals, and not a few who were perfect fools ?


(A Lay or LONDON, Temp. Vict. I.) “ On tell me, tell me, Mother mine,

What sounds are those that broak the stillness ?' Exclaimed a boy of eight or nine,

Still suffering from recent illness :-
“ Oh tell me, for methinks I hear

The clang of arms, my Mother dear!"
The Mother listened for a while;

Two briny beads were on her lashes.
She heard the tread of rank and file-

Of subalterns in silken sashes,
'Twas vain to chide the starting tear ;-
Her husband was a Grenadier.
On either side the street there went

Stern men with guns upon their shoulders
All pale but resolute, they lent

Sinall notice to the scared beholders.
Amidst the troop (towards the rear)
That Mother marked her Grenadier.
“Sleep, sleep," she muttered ; "sleep to-night;

Thy Father will be back to-morrow.
At Duty's voice, till morning light,

He leaves me here to thee and Sorrow.
At Glory's call, defying fear,
He goes to guard the Bank, my dear.
“He goes to guard the lonely pile,

“And keep secure its precious portals
Against the foes of Britain's isle,

Or British but burglarious mortals.
The night is long-the night is drear :-
“ But then he is a Grenadier.
“ To Drury Lane another band

Will march with equal resolution ;
And armed unto the teeth will stand

Four hours before that institution!"
“ Mainma,” replied the child in fear;
“I will not be a Grenadier!”

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From the Egyptian Hall. I'm charined to see you, as the performing enake said to the spectators. (The compliment was not returned.)


took the chain, “But," she says, “don't let anyone see it, for," she

says, “I should not like that spiteful cat, MR8. SKIDMORE, to know as The Ways of New York.-(Continued.

I'd borrered the money, as you shall 'ave back next Tuesday as ever It was a werry wet mornin', as is a thing as you don't often see 'ere, is." Well, she give me the chain, and I let 'er 'ave the money. and Mrs. SKIDMORB in a nice temper, -sayin' as she'd break open that “But," I says, “this chain is werry light gold.” “Ah," she says, MRS. CHAUNCBY's boxes, as she were sure were a “beat," as she called "but it's that pure as they can't afford to put too much into it.” 'er, when in who should come but MRS. CHAUNCEY, as was all smiles. | Well, she took the money, and was off all of a bustle. It was the She didn't 'ardly notice Mrs. SKIDMORE, but asked me to come to 'er next day but ono arter that, as I was a-goin' down Bowery way, thro' room, “For," she says, “Ive got good news for you.” I guys, "'Ave l'avin' 'eard as there was cheap things to be 'ad down that way, and as you caught that waggerbone?" "No," she says; “but," she says, I was a-turnin' a corner who should I see but that there BOGISBON? ''Liza's property is walued over twelve thousand dollars, as she'll get He didn't see me, for I drawed back in a door-way for to let ’im go on next Monday sure, and only wants a few dollars to carry 'er on." | fust, but I follered 'im pretty quick, and was pretty nigh out of

I says, “'Ow is she doin'?” “Oh,” she says, “ All right; but,” breath with walkin' so fast, when I see the feller dive down into a celshe says, “I don't want to borrow no more money of you, but if you'd lar where they sold liquor. “Ab! ah !" I says, “I've caught you let me 'ave twenty dollars on my gold chain, as is worth one 'undred, now in a trap, my lord." So I goes to the top of the steps as led down thro’ bein' pure gold from Californy, where it grows Dat'ral, and to be to that cellar, as were & reg'lar wine waults—and there's a-many on 'ad for the pickin' up.” “Law," I says, “why ever, then, don't 'em about. Well, I peeps down, and there I see the waggerbone parties go there and fetch it away pe? She says, “Bless you, they do, a drinkin' and talkin' to the man at the bar. So down I goes, and and that's 'ow my dear 'usband lost his life, thro' it bein' too much for walks up to 'm, and ketched 'old of 'is arm. If you'd seed 'im stare, 'im.” “Ah," I says, “I've 'eard say as it is the 'eaviest thing out, and 'eard 'im swear, thro' me a-makin' 'is drink as he were takin' go tho' a sack of flour 'as been know'd to flatten a man like a pancake, the wrong way, you would 'ave blessed yourself, as the sayin' is. as 'is foot slipped in a carryin' it on 'is back, and 'ave seen it myself in I says, “You wile character," I says, "not only to rob me, but your the Bank of Hingland in a little barrel as nobody couldn't lift.” own wife, and leave 'er destitute with a infant unborn. You did

"Well,” she says, “you ask anyone about Californy gold, and I'll ought to be ashamed of yourself.” He says, “Why, you must be look in again to-morrer mornin' the fust thing, as I am a-goin' to tight, mother." I says, “I've got you tight, and mean to 'old you till sleep 'ere."

I get a perliceman." Well, she went out werry soon, and as I did not want to say nothin' Well, the man at the bar stared, and before I could think 'ardly twico to Mrs. SKIDMORE, I asked that nigger woman about Californy, as that feller shook me off that wiolent as sent me a-staggerin' agin a lot told me it were a place as she 'ad 'eard a deal about, and know'd one of fellers as was settin' drinkin', and if they didn't all set on me, and coloured lady as 'ad went out there, and come back with gold rings on bonnet me, and ketch 'old on me, and afore I know'd where I was I every finger up to her second j'ints. While we was talkin', back was up them steps and in the streets. come MRS. CHAUNCEY and said as she should be that obliged if I'd let Well, I see a perliceman, and up to 'im I rushes, and tells 'im 'ow 'er ’ave the money on the chain, as 'er dear mother was at the last I'd been scrred down in that cellar, for my bonnet was smashed and grasp. So I did not like to be 'ard-'earted, but give 'er the money and my gownd tore, and if he didn't turn on me like a fiery dragon, and

Inswers to Correspondents.

say, “What the doose were you a-doin' down there ?" I thought as I

THEATRICAL NEWS. should ’ave dropped, and just then up the steps of that cellar come the man as I'd see behind the bar, and says, “ Let 'er go; I dont't want

BY OUR SPECIAL LINER. to punish 'er this time, but if ever she comes agin I'll 'ave 'er locked

We hasten to give immediate contradiction to an 'absurd anecdote up." I was in a rage, and I says, “'Ow dare you, as calls yourself a

which is not going the round of the papers, and has not appeared in respectable man, treat a lady so?” He says, “Oh, there's lots of

| the columns of a contemporary, but may possibly do so at any moment, ladies like you as we 'as to get rid on;" and the perlice says, “ You

as one of our sportive contributors in an unguarded moment had the may go this time; but don't you never try it on agin like that, or you imprudence to hoax our common friend GOBEMOVOHE with it. Anxious won't get off quite so easy, I tell you."

to prevent if possible the complications which might arise, should the I could have bust out a-cryin', I was that vexed; and I says to the

statement find its way into print, we have no hesitation in asserting perliceman, “I do believe as you're in with the thieves, or you wouldn't

that Me. FECHTER while performing Hamlet at the Lyceum the other side agin me as were a-tryin' to collar as big a waggerbone" — He night (and we may here say how sorry we were to hear of his indissays, "Now, I don't want none of your sass; but, as you seems a old position, and how sincerely glad we were to hear of his recovery,) did flat-lad, I won't be 'ard on you; but don't you go down into no more not say to the Ghost cellars, or you'll get it pretty rough."

"Remember thee? I made the best of my way 'ome, and when I told Mrs. SKIDMORB

Ay, thon poor Ghost, wbile EMERY holds a seat 'ow it were as I come to be sich a figger, she says, “It's a wonder as

In this distracted globe !" they didn't kill you; but," she says, “who is the man as you wanted to ketch ?” So I told 'er all the story, and she says to me, “ Why I

Travellers' Tales. guess you've been reg'larly fooled, and that cussed woman--that MRS.

If you tell me you have heard CHAUNCRY-- is at the bottom of it, as I've been and broke open 'er

The song of the Oobolia bird, box, as there ain't nothink in but shavings and some lumps of stone,

If you tell me you have seen for to make it feel 'eavy; but,” she says, “what made you say as 'er

The herds of Hipponocerine, box was full of property ?" I says, “'Cos I see it with my own

If you tell me you have viewed eyes.” “Well,” she says, "she's carried everything off.” “No," I

The scaly Popoboscus' brood, says, “she 'avo not, for I've got 'er gold chain, as is worth a deal

If you tell me you have strayed more than I lent 'er.” “Where is it?” says Mrs. SKIDMORE. So I

Where the sportive Flagnies played, says, “I'm a-goin' upstairs to get myself to rights, and I'll fetch it

If you tell me that you know down to you." She says, “Get it at once."

Where the Bangri bushes grow
(To be concluded in our next.)

Where the lofty Snafsnafs rise
Rivalling the Gwahab's size,

If you tell me of such scenes-

Tell them, too, to the marines,
Don't tell me of grand dinners, which
Make folks with envy fret;

The likeliest bird to see a joke.-The chaffinch. (If MR. FRANK
While here I lie beside the ditch

BUCKLAND says “the hedgehog," don't believe it. -Ed.)
I'm getting my bank-wet.
Don't talk to me of splendid wine,

That sets folks longing 80-
Here on this deal-plank couch of mine
I'm getting my Board-oh!

[We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or Don't name cigars of rarest brand,

monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and

addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted Mss. That Britons seldom see

or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; For every hedgeside in the land

but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do we kold Finds lots of weeds for me.

ourselves responsible for loss. ] I live so well where'er I go

C. A. L. E. P. (Colchester.)-We meant that we really could not make In Unions any day

out the meaning of your article, which was as obscure as a sentence we Prince Metternich himself, you know,

tumbled over in an article on “Carousals " lately in the Argosy, on which

wo commented in the same number. Might envy my Toke-eh

VENATOR.-Our old correspondent S." in another form! This makes

the third appearance of the pervading “S”-gense. Train-Oil on Troubled Waters.

A. T. (Edgware-roadl) incloses some dreary jokes, and bays :-“If the

following contain enough humour, I submit them to you for insertion." 'We We are rather surprised to see that TRAIN, whom we thought to would not vaccinate a donkey with them, for fear of the S for the P of C have been long ago relegated to the congenial retirement of an asylum to A. for idiots, is still stumping the States. We have just received a Kansas Dos.-If we describe your jokes as dos-picable we are miles Dearer paper, which boldly points to him as “Young America's candidate for | making a pun than you are. the Presidency in the good time coming." If by “Young America"

A WOULD-BB ARTIST-Will never, we think, an artist on the wood be. we are to understand that portion of the population which has got no

T. H.T. (Kennington Green) says: “If the enclosed be a joke, or if it can further in articulate speech than "da-daand “ta-ta," we admit that

be kneaded into one," etc., etc., etc. We are as much in the dark as he is

about the “ enclosed ” for he has forgotten to enclose it. TRAIN may be a fitting representative-- he would hardly be so after

| F. C. (Brighton) begs to tender some jokes on Railways. His tender is the intellect of his constituents began to dawn. Here is a splendid

not connected with a joco-motive. example of his concise and logical eloquence! After declaring that ALFRED B.-We wish Alfred would let joking B. the regular faculty are destroying their female patients by giving R. CLARKE (Devonport) is not to be envied a constitution (dot a British alcoholic medicines, ho asks what can save weak woman, always constitution) which allows him to turn the recent executions at Manchester in-doors, never exercising, and living a hot-house life?

into a subject for ribaldry. “Nothing but a vote that will enlarge her sphere--increase her ambition-make

ATROCITY should try a new signature; we receive so many atrocities. her exercise more in the open air, and learn her to be her own physician.”

Some of his latest are funny, but are they original ? When this ranting noodle declares that woman-suffrage is the specific

H. L. (Leicester.)-Much obliged.

H. M.-We have communicated per Y. A. with the "Elderly Gentleman for all these things, he propounds a more foolish nostrum than any of

Unborn,” but he declines to puff the steam-or the fuel. the quacks he denounces. Imagine any woman on the strength of

B. c. (Paddington)-has been forestalled. • having her name on the list of electors venturing to write a prescription Nor por JosepH.-As we don't agree with your views, we decline ! for herself!

A. W. (Ladbroke-square.)-Thanks.

G, M. (Warren-street.}- We cannot inform you.

Declined with thanks :-Cam; R. J., Peter-street; Fauld; Croix; J.P. We wonder whether, now that the publicans have taken to selling

M. M. B., Glasgow ; Y. R., Navan ; Jack Horner; W. W., Liverpool; tea, they retail a growth that is largely advertised as of good quality.

E. G., Stirling ; T. G. K., Stonehouse ; Pun, Leeds; H. B. W.; R. Č. K., If they do, we shall better understand KINGSLEY's line about "the bar

Dublin ; J. H. D., Swaffham; L. M. N. F. 0. P.; F. S. A., Haverstock and ito Moning."

hill; Inquisitive; w. s., Tottenham Court-road; Fog; Parkfield; J. McI., Glasgow ; C. F., Singapore; L. M. J.; J. H., Helensburg;

J. McK.; T. A. s., Stephen's-green; M. H., Brighton; Snigglebotham; SOMETHING Exeter-ordinary in the year of grace 1867.-Bread and W. R. S.; J. B., Bristol; W.D., Cheltenham ; Klunker; H. R., Savílemeat riote.

row; C. D.; J. N., Bayswater ; Jay Bee; Engineer ; Chaz; H. N., Kew. MINCING LANE.


that many of them realise scent per scent, and it is this peculiarity, REPORT OF OUR OWN COMMISBIONERS.

accompanied by the excitement occasioned by the bellman who

summons the competitors to work and refreshment (or as they approTo the Honourable Council of Public Instruction at the Office of the Society priately express it, to “tear and treat"), which will, doubtless, account for Promoting the Younger Sons of the Aristocracy.

for the fact that the hats, which are the chief attributes of these GENTLEMEN,—On concluding the very arduous and difficult inquiry, people, assume various angles of incidence, according to the particular the report of which we have, as you will doubtless observe, been business in which they are engaged. Thus we elicited that at the compelled to refer to a professional gentleman (he was once a school- tea sales, the brim is well down on the forehead : in the atmosphere of master, and his means of living are now precarious), in order that the sugar it reclines upon the left ear; coffee sets it nearly straight, wine spelling might be duly corrected, and the composition regulated throws it on to the right organ of combativeness, and skins, rags, and according to those classic models which are so frequently referred to in dye stuffs rest it on the coat-collar behind. We have now no further the prefaces to works of an educational description.

duty than to leave you to your own conclusions. On concluding, as we before observed, a task at all times difficult and seldom satisfactory, we cannot refrain from expressing a hope that you will hereafter avail your honourable selves of our labours within

On A Recent Birthday Benefit. à distance of not more than 25 deg. 11 min. east of Temple-bar.

IP a benefits due, Meanwhile, we hasten to lay before you some of our discoveries in that

MR. B., for your Sue, portion of industrial London known as Mincing-lane, so called, as

Because that its nights not a few are ; we have with almost irrecoverable exertion ascertained from the

To the cause of the hit, peculiar gait of the inhabitants of the district. You will readily

Captain Crosstree, to witunderstand that, though we examined several of these people, and

There's surely a debt that is DewaR! on various occasions put such questions to them as were least likely to be answered, we were not always successful in our endeavours to obtain full and unequivocal replies. The chief occupation of the place

Manufacturing Votes. (and it is entirely deserted at night except by a few elderly persons No doubt MR. DISRAELI thought he had made quite a new invention who spend the remnant of their days in carrying pails on the stairs,) — when, by his Reform Bill he created the new elector. But the Yankees the chief occupation of the place is that of brokerage, an employment were put on their mettle, and they have beaten him, An American which consists of standing with the hands in the trousers' pockets, and citizen has just applied at Washington for a patent for “a voting the hat very much on one side. This laborious occupation is main machine." tained for several hours a day (with intervals of course for refreshment), alternating occasionally with a sudden assembling in one or other of a

To the Benəvolent. series of bare and uninviting apartments, chiefly characterised by the

WHAT OUR STREET ARABS WANT.-A good jacketing. hardness of the seats and the thoroughness of the draughts, amidst the full-flavoured, but, as far as we could learn, not pernicious odours of colonial produce, samples of which may be seen, but the names of

THE “ KINDLY SEASON” AMONGST THE PUBLISHERS.—Everybody which you will excuse our recapitulating, as well as any gum animi | trying to cut everybody else's throat with—a “Christmas Number!" adversions upon the crash of technical terms, at many of which we stick-lac-king the power (myrabolam dictu) of conveying any idea of NOTICE.- A special extra edition of Fun, printed on superfine toned their real meaning. We were able, however, to judge for ourselves

paper, is issued every week, price twopence.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

London : December 7, 1867.


GENTLEMAN of City fame

Now claims your kind attention ; East India broking was his game, His name I shall not mention:

No man of finely pointed sense
Would violate a confidence,

And shall I go

And do it? No.
His name I shall not mention.

It never entered their pure minds
That fads are of ecoentric kinds,

Nor would they own

That fat alone Could make one discontented. “ Your riches know no kind of pause,

Your trade is fast advancing,
You dance—but not for joy, because
You weep as you are dancing.

To dance implies that man is glad
To weep implies that man is sid

But here are you

Who do the two-
You weep as you are dancing!”
His mania soon got noised about

And into all the papers-
His size increased beyond a doubt
For all his reckless capers :

It may seem singular to you,
But all his friends admit it true-

The more he found

His figure round, The more he cut his capers. His bulk increased—no matter that,

He tried the more to toss it-
He never spoke of it as "fat"
But “adipose deposit.”

Upon my word, it seems to me
Unpardonable vanity

(And worse than that)

To call your fat adipose deposit."

He had a trusty wife and true,

And very cosy quarters,
A manager, a boy or two,
Six clerks, and seven porters.

A broker must be doing well
(As any lunatic can tell)

Who can employ

An active boy,

Six clerks, and seven portors. His knocker advertised no dun,

No losses made him sulky,
He had one sorrow-only one-
He was extremely bulky.

A man must be, I beg to stato
Exceptionally fortunate

Who owns his chief

And only grief 18-being very bulky. “ This load,” he'd say, “I cannot bear,

I'm nineteen stone or twenty! Henceforward I'll go in for air

And exercise in plenty."
; Most people think that, should it come,

They can reduce a bulging tum
• To measures fair

By taking air
And exercise in plenty,
In every weather, every day,

Dry, muddy, wet, or gritty,
He took to dancing all the way
From Brompton to the City.

You do not often get the chance
Of seeing sugar-brokers dance.

From their abode

In Fulham Road
Through Brompton to the City.
He brated the gay and guileless laugh

Of children with their nussen,
The loud uneducated chaff
Of clerks on omnibuses.

Against all minor things that rack
A nicely balanded mind, I'U back

The noisy laugh

And ill-bred chaff
Of clerks on omnibuses."

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At length his brawny knees gave way,

And on the carpet sinking,
Upon his shapeless back he lay
And kicked away like winking.

Instead of seeing in his state
The finger of unswerving Fate,

He laboured still

To work his will,
Aad kicked away like winking.
Bis riends, disgusted with him now,

Away in silence wended-
I hardly like to tell you how
This dreadful story ended.

The shocking sequel to impart,
I must employ the limner's art

If you would know,

This sketch will show
How his exertions ended.


I hate to preach-I hate to prate-

I'm no fanatic croaker,
But learn contentment from the fate
Of this East India broker.

He'd everything a man of taste
Could ever want, except a waist :

And discontent

His size anent, And bootless perseverance blind. Completely wrecked the peace

of this East India broker.

His friends, who heard his money chink,

And saw the house he rented,
And knew his wife, could never think

What made him discontented.

VOL. 1.

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