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A TRAIN that's always on the rail

And yet is off the track,
A third-class train that cannot fail

To smash up in a crack.
A train that's always in a mess-

A thing I don't admire,
That draggles far behind a dress

And bears the marks of mire.
A train for blowing-up that's meant,

A puff, and lots of smoke!
Its odour not a pleasant scent

Is held by peaceful folk.
A simile for G. F. TRAIN

'Mid trains like these I've sought.
There's one though would not do, it's plain,-

I mean a train of thought!

ERECT upon the rug he stood,

And bored a little lively lady,
His attitude was very good

Although his arguments were shady.
From histories of other lands,

He told the downfall of our nation,
And waved about his podgy hands

With Gallican gesticulation.

From Creox unto MR. ODOBR,
He flew; and called Reform a myth,

And Dizzy a most daring dodger,
“Our literature was wrapt in mist,

Where were our SHAKESPBARBS and

. our CHAUCERS ?”
He asked, -and letting fly his fist

Upset a tray of cups and saucers !

M888R8. GADDs and PALESTYNE, dining at Judkins's Ordinary, have been
helped thrice 10 every dish. On their sending up for a fourth plate of pork,
JUDKINS strolls down to inspect them.


Judkins (pointedly) :-“No-BUT I PRED THEM SOMETIMES !”

The Blue Riband of the Leash. We cannot wonder that the “ Waterloo Cup" should be the height of a coursing man's ambition-when we reflect that it is endeared to its fortunate possessor by 80 many “Ties.”

A GIDDY City.-Oswego bobbin' around.


happy passion. Try to soothe yer disturbances by furrin travil, and

in the eternil buty of the city of the Cæsars obliviate my transyent We have had so many books of humour from the other side of the charms. For u à horrible path is hopen. To deny that I am hinAtlantic, that we gladly welcome one of our own countrymen, MR. different to yure manny exsellent quality's of 'od and 'art would be RICHARD WHITEING, in the character of "Josef Sprouts,” Mr. Sprouts, mere affection. I'аve watched yure career, and shall continny to do His Opinions (HOTTEN) is a collection of exceedingly humorous so wen the rewards of a lofty ambition shall be yourn. sketches, originally contributed, we believe, to the Star. That paper

“ (Here sine dame,) was certainly a proper organ for the costermonger's writings, for he is

"ELIZABETH CHIGLEY. a Radical of the deepest dye, and withal a very amusing one. His “Address, Coke Shed, Ash Lane, Spitalfields.'" spelling is as eccentric as that of ARTEMUS WARD, and his excuse for | How this courtship ends we must leave the reader to find out for spelling the same word in various ways is, he says, to give every method himself. We can promise him many a hearty laugh with Mr. Sprouts, a fair chance. He improves, however, as he goes on, although we must and the book will fairly take rank on his shelves with the “Biglow confess that we prefer him in the early days of his literary career, Papers," and the works of the immortal Showman. before he is fettered by any ties of orthography.

His views on public questions are very shrewd and amusing; and while he seems to have very little respect for the party now in power,

NEW YEAR'S GIFTS. he professes a great deal for the institutions" of the country. His

Britannia to Columbia. experience of life is certainly very varied, for he is not only a coster. monger, but a Member of Parliament, and takes part in a Lord Mayor's

COLUMBIA, you unjustly do, dinner, the Derby, Crystal Palace Concerts, prize-fighting, the

(I mention it with pain) Ministerial whitebuit feed, and a Conservative workman's deputation.

When I sent DICKENS out to you, He almost forgets to be funny sometimes in his eagerness to make a

To send me G. F. Train. rap at the Tories ; and the best part of his book is that which describes his life before he took part in political affairs. His courtship is one of

A New Light on History. the most humorous sketch-s in the whole collection-the letters copied

By Our Own Civil SERVICE CANDIDATB. from a complete letter-writer with emendations are delightful. We give one from the lady (the daughter of a coke merchant), after

The Salic law is a law which forbids females to assume the crown. the correspondence has gone on some time. She bag. like ber lover. It is so called because no Sal can be ex-sal-ted to the throne. N.B.—This gone to the letter-writer, and already written him “Letter 23. To á derivation must be taken cum grano salis. Lover on rejectin' 'is soot.” Her next runs as follows:– Letter 25. To the same, on the same, from the same." “Cur,-Forgit yer un-|


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I overmaster myself, for I am there in the caractere of the British

sportsman, with whom all the sentiments are unknown; but I approach By Our Own GANDIN. TW I pull

that animal, he receives me with impressement. I incline myself before BEHOLD ME, MONHIBUR LE REDACTEUR, having abandoned myself him; I design a caress of the most gentie to his legs, when I find these long times of the sport, in the role of a merchant of the true myself seized in the teeth of that diabolique. I am struggling there, Britesque, the shopkeper, the dealer of the type of the princes of your stunued by the shouts of a crowd. Still I laugh to myself as I repeat great city. Already I have my bank-page-book, my counting office, your latest mot of the lowkad, and respond to the cries of the my CHUBB-lock, my fireproof of the most safe, my oldmanack, and others, by the phrase that of itself now answers all things" Not above all, my ledgerre. All the world will justly exhaust itself to Fourjeau." inquire How?

Happy that I should still wear my bugskins, the kneebritch of the I will satisfy a curiosity so ingenuous. When I had distinguished joqui, or I might have lost to myself the power of repartee. I mock myself of the chasse of your Anglican church-steepel at Crouidon there of the teeth of Vol au Vent, and assist to the buyers, where I establish remained little to ambition but the pursuit of the fox, in which with the entente cordiale to the selleur, the crieur des « Auctions." I suffer, unabated ardour I devoted myself, still retaining a discretion that your but it is necessary to pose myself. Each time that a new horso is poet bas said " is the valour of our most better part,” but with a too rendered to the hammer (phrase à l'Auction), I smile, I make the little of that caution by which I should have parted with Vol au Vent. face of the most widewaked, and each time the crieur responds when That I ran "in at my death” will surprise none of us, but also it is to I have “ tippeted him with a wiak.” Not till afterward, and we are my chagrin that the cochon Vol au Vent sacrificed some dogs to his alone, he and I, with the men of his stables, do I learn that I am irrepressible beastfulness—his ardour of courage.

become the owner of eleven horses, and two mulets de théatre ! Mules That I should be blamed for the confusion of the moment is to the ' of the cirque; of the grotesque; the pierrot; the clown trick! eternal ridicule of the huntsman, the chasseur, who dislocated himself When I sang “Pas pourieau." the smile of the Crieur vanished: but to the shoulder by lashing the winner of the Crouidon steeplesteaks, Monsieur, I was penetrated with an idea of the most stupendous. I am the indomitable tighfly. That one avenged himself of the insult by the possessor said I of eleven borse; therefore of eleven hundred horse the immolation of more dogs, and then in the scorn of worlds left the biftek, therefore of ragôuts; of consommés; entremets; of saucissons; of earth behind, and threw himself at the horizon.

| cotelets ; of potages ! Now, Monsieur, you apprise yourself of my Me also, who reached the horizon first. And striking it of my head, meaning. I-the entrepreneur, the genius of the moment-give unto you beheld ten thousand rainbows.

English the first Diners hippophagique.Magnificent but terrible! Superbe but of the most dangerous ! My horsecarte will publish itself when I find my capital. My two

It is the end of my season, and I have exhausted all that commends mules a consign to your brave army in Abyssinia “ Pour encourager les itself of the sport. Problem most difficult: to sell Vol au Vent; to autres." get once more my hunderpound; to recal my proper person from the top boot and the cap of the joqui. I consult-with much of your Angelican liquor, the Dog-neaux, and

Degrees of Comparison. the Todé-my horses-trainer; and with him bohold me again in your Babylondon of the moderns (phrase English), at the Repositoire where

POSITIVE-Singers—The Christy's. Vol au Vent awaits me.

Comparative-SANGBR's–At the Agricultural Lall. I am penetrated of emotions the most profound as I regard him, Superlative—Songsters-Those whose notes roll out, or rather in, still scorning himself of the earth, and mocking himself of the stable. | for the relief of the distress at the East-End-"Thero's many & slip" kad (terme à la Repositoire).

1 without a ship on the banks of the Tbames.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew'. Hill, Doctors' Commops, and Published (!or the Proprietor) by TUOMAS BAKER, 40 40, Fleet-streat, R.C.

London : February, 308.

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or sad,

“My daughter, that enchanting gurl, Has just been promised to an earl, And all my other familee, To peers of various degree. “ But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew ? The word I gave you I'll fulfil ; It is my duty, and I will. “ As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all, And I shall be, despite my hoard, The only bachelor on board." The boatswain of The Mantelpiece, He blushed and spoke to CAPTAIN REECB : 6 I beg your honour's leave," he said, "If you would wish to go and wed, *I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for youShe long has loved you from afar, She washes for you, CAPTAIN R.” The captain saw the dame that dayAddressed her in his playful way“ And did it want a wedding ring ? It was a tempting ickle sing!

Their captain danced

to them like

Or told, to make the time pass by,
Droll legends of his infancy.
A feather bed had every man,
Warm slippers and hot-water-can,
Brown windsor from the captain's store,
A valet, too, to every four."
Did they with thirst in summer burn?
Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,
And on alī very sultry days;
Cream ices handed round on trays.
Then currant wine and ginger pops
Stood handily on all the “ tops;"
And, also, with amusement rife,
A “Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life.”
New volumes came across the sea
From MISTER MUDIt's libraree;
The Times and Saturday Reviero
Beguiled the leisure of the crew.
Kind-hearted CAPTAIN Rørce, R.N.,
Was quite devoted to his mon ;
In point of fact, good CAPTAIN RBECB,
Beatified The Mantelpisce.
One summer eve, at half-past ten,
He said (addressing all his men):
“Come, tell me, please, what I can do
To please and gratify my crow.
“By any reasonable plan
I'll make you happy, if I can;
My own convenience count as nil;
It is my duty, and I will."
Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE,
(The kindly captain's coxwain he,
À nervous, shy, low-spoken man)
He cleared his throat and thus began:
“ You have a daughter, CAPTAIN REECB,
Ton female cousing and a niece,
A ma, if what I'm told is true,
Six sisters, and an aunt or two.
“Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,
More friendly-like we all should be,
If you united of 'em to
Unmarried members of the crew.
“If you'd ameliorate our life,
Let oacb select from them a wife ;
And as for nervous me, old pal,
Give me your own enchanting gal!”
Good CAPTAIN RBBCE, that worthy man,
Debated on his coxwain's plan :
“I quite agree,” he said, “O BILL;
It is my duty, and I will,

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Musical and Fashionable. In some of the fasbionable churches of New York the programmes of the music are printed and distributed in the pows. The Orchestra supposes opera-glasses will come next-but that is not the worst calamity that might befall. The young ladies might encore a pet parson's sermon!


Town Talk.

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trations this month, though here too the engraving is unsatisfactory,

being a muddle of fac-simile and tint—the latter showing chiefly in BY THE SAUNTHRER IN SOCIETY.

what I may describe as the engine turning” of the faces which

knocks all character out of them. The Popular Educator keeps up to NDOUBTEDLY Britons | the mark and contains a wonderful lot of information for the money.

never are slaves! The Some of the cuts—"The African Elephant” for instance--are old. song says 80, and so it fashioned and should be replaced by more truthful drawings. The must be a fact. But if animal I instance looks as if he were dressed in a tight suit of watered the song did not say so I silk. Tinsley's Magazine is capital. The verse is excellent and the should be inclined to illustrations-though that to “Baby Nell" has been either too hurriedly doubt the wonderful drawn or too hastily engraved-are very pleasing. Altogether it is one liberty. Bank Clerks if of the best numbers I have seen. In the Broadway The Fortunes not slaves are prisoners, of a Free Lance" begins to grow thrilling, but that very Free Lance for whom it is exceedingly | MR. GUY LIVINGSTONE might acknowledge n

| Mr. Guy LIVINGSTONE might acknowledge his obligations to Balzac's

Le Succube, in his sorceress episode. MR. Rossetti's long poem leave. They ask for a “ Mrs. Holmes Grey” is not particularly new. In execution it is very small boon-to have faulty, for the lines are out in measure often, and not seldom wrong in the banks open at ten in- accent. It is in fact prose cut into not very regular lengths. The stead of nine, and yet attempt to put the coroner's inquest into verse becomes at times almost they are looked upon as if ludicrous. In “Second Thoughts" Mr. BURNAND improves vastly, they were demanding having struck out a new line-well, not exactly new, for the style is as something perfectly un- old as STERNE. constitutional. The hour The Cornhill is noticeable for the best drawing Miss EDWARDS has would be a gain to them ever done. It reminds us—perhaps too much of an early WALKER. and a loss to nobody. | Mr. Du MAURIER's graceful pencil charmingly illustrates a rather comSurely, in these days of monplace story-"My Neighbour Nelly”—a title borne by one of reform, when even the the best of poor BROUGH's poems, and one therefore which it would Tory party has been have been better not to take for fear of comparisons. For the rest, educated, some of our the February number is neither better nor worse than usual. Belgravia slow-going commercial has one good picture—“The Last of the Wreck." The others are minds might venture on tame and inferior. With the exception of a story about a portrait, and

the step-it is only a step, an essay on St. James's Palace, there is not much of literary merit in not a leap-least of all, a leap in the dark. Why does not the Bank the current number, though “ After the Battle” is a fair enough copy of England, which is governed by men of position and enlightenment, of verses. London Society is full of pleasant pictures this month, set a good example ?

though I can't say I like “My Valentine," in which the attempt at At these times when there is so much destitution at the East End of an open-air sunny effect produces a Pepper's ghost like result. “The London that every penny is needed and should be spent in the wisest Coin of the Realm of Love" is a poor runmeaning thing :—the magazine way, the Saturday Review deserves the thanks of the truly charitable would be better without such blocks, which are obviously 'prentices' for an article the other day upon “The East London Mission and Relief practice-blocks. “Thumbnail Studies," “ Miss Sophy's Crutch," and Society.” It was felt desirable, to prevent pauperism and imposition, number two of “London Lyrics," are all excellent, and “Theatrical that all the charitable bodies working in East London should co-operate Novelties" is a pleasant essay on the stage. The most remarkable with that truly Christian organization “The Society for the Relief of thing in this month's Hanover Square is a song, the writer of which Distress,”-truly Christian because truly unsectarian, its almoners carefully “rhymes" the word "not" with “thought," “taught," and being ordered by its rules to place themselves in communication with “brought.” In the Argosy, “Anne Hereford" is continued; there is the ministers of all denominations. “The Mission and Relief Society" a lifelike “Riverside Story”; and an interesting diary of “Four would not co-operate, and the Saturday describes its constitution and Years in Abyssinia," with some very good verses, “The Hungry Sea," mode of action in a manner that will condemn it at once in the eyes of will be found to form one of the best numbers we have had under the all reasonable people. I need only quote one instance of its working new management.

-a tea-meeting is held under the auspices of the society. It opens with a discourse on the necessity of having a devil, after which elevating discussion, the presiding genius calls on the starving artisans to sing

THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE. grace.—“I know you can sing. I've passed the public sometimes

I STARTED at an early age, and heard you singing there!” Bitter indeed must be the crust that

It is the usual thing the starving have to swallow along with such insults as these!

• To start upon Life's pilgrimage MR. Hawers in the Contemporary Review expresses himself thus upon

When young; I had my fing, the question of opera :-It is "a mixture of two things which ought

For many years, my parents said always to be kept distinct-the sphere of musical emotion and the

The oats I sowed were wild, sphere of dramatic action. It is not true under any circumstances that

I listened with an aching head, people sing songs with a knife through them.” This seems really to

A dissipated child. put the whole question into a nut-shell wbich it is easy to crack. People

A grand discovery I've made. who admire musie intensely and enjoy the drama find it impossible to

I now proclaim in rhyme, sit out even a good opera, and are at a loss to understand why. Of

Life's scene, no matter where 'tis laid, course MR. HAWBIS will catch it for this heresy, but there can be no

Is like & Pantomime. doubt he has the right on his side and the Literary Lounger of the

We all of us get sundry knocks Illustrated Timep, too, than whom I can wish him no more able ally. I am

Like those a “rally brings, glad to see that the Lounger has begun to take up cudgels in the

When p'licemen get such awfal shocks crusade against bad grammar, to which all who love “English UAdefiled " should devote themselves. He has picked out two of the

With missiles from the wings commonest faults of writers of the day-first " and which "-or the

There's many a fellow acts the part use of a conjunction to couple the relative to a preceding participle

Of idiotic clown, instead of a relative—and “taking it off the box, a horror fell,” or

And tumbles with unfoeling beart the use of a participle which does not refer to the nominative of the

The old and feeble down. sentence. Go on, Mr. Lounger, and prosper, and as you say to

There's many a pantaloon we meet MR. HAWBIS your humble servant says to you. Here's a nigger will

In slippers old and lean back you to any extent in that fittle game!

We've loved a Columbine so sweet Cassell's Magazine improves if possible in its literary merit. There is

When summer fields were greon. hardly an article in it that does not deserve to be read and enjoyed.

A Harlequin has dazed our eyes, The verse in some instances is susceptible of improvement. The paper

With colours changing fast, is good, and the printing greatly improved. The illustrations for the

His views and thoughts to our surpriso, most part—though there are some strong exceptions have been good,

Too new and strange to last. but have suffered in the engraving somewhat, though that can have

And sometimes too, ah! sad to tell had little effect on the curious perspective of the block at page 281.

When man has talon a wife, “Grim Realities" will be found full of interest, and “Below Freezing

He finds no peace, she makes so well Point'' opens admirably. The Quiver is good, and is strong in illus

A Pantomimo of Life.

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