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same man agin, tho' spared over eighty, and well remembered GenERAL MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.
WASHINTUB, as were called the father of 'is country, and married a ON THE RAIL.
widder lady with two children, as there were a picter on a-'angin' in
the room as I slep' in, as he had give 'er grandfather 'isself, and should WHEN we got in the train the cold of them carriages, as is that large l'ave been worrited to death about Brown, only a young gentleman as to 'old fifty passengers was awful, and ther stoves not lighted, as is were a-belongin' to the Telegraph boarded with Mrs. Daly, as put me obligated for to be, tho’’ighly dangerous, an i was the death of them up to the Telegraph, and got an answer back within the 'our, a-sayin' poor creeturs as rolled over the bank all in flames, but the 'Merryking as he were all right, as I says must be foolishness, for he was that bad is a light-'arted lot and didn't seem to think no more on it than as nearly frightened me to death three days ago; but in course the nothink.
Telegraph didn't know nothink about that, and glad I was to 'ear as I'm sure the way as we went on a-bumpin' and a-lumpin' was the line were clear for the train next mornin', and off I was at 'arf-past enough to knock the breath out of your body, and that party as 'ad | | eight, as is a werry nice train, but a long journey, as only stopped took the brandy so free, she couldn't set up for 'er 'ead bein' that bad, once for a snack, and got to New York by five o'clock, with the snow as 'ad a carpet bag along with 'er as she clung to werry tight. Well, | up to your middle, and took me werry near as long for to get 'ome to what with the cold, and not gettin' nothink proper for to eat por to Brooklyn, as is at MR8. SKIDMORE's, as it 'ad to come all the journey, drink all day, I was that dreadful knocked up as I could not and if there wasn't BROWN 2-settin' a-smokin' 'is pipe as cool as a 'ardly set up myself, and 'ad to change them cars, as they calls 'em, cucumber, as the sayin' is. constant, as ain't no more cars than I am, with the step up to them that “Well," I says, “this is pretty goin's on, a-bringin' me from the 'igh as get up I could not, but for three gentlemen as werry nigh world's end, as meant to stop for the christenin' to soothe your dyin' pulled me in 'arf &-draggin' at me.
moments, and then to find you a-smokin' as if nothink 'ad 'appened.” Well that party as 'ad took my brandy as I wouldn't notice no “Well," he says, “no more nothink aint 'appened." more, when a-findin' 'er out in such a awful falsehood, she was a-bein' I says, “Didn't you write Jos word as you was werry bad, and pulled up arter me, for the rail-road dont stop at no platform like a gettin' worse." "No," he says, “never. All I wrote was don't let Christian country, and if they didn't take and let 'er carpet-bag drop, your mother 'urry 'ome for its gettin' bad and will soon be as were bein' 'anded to er; she come and sat down near me, and I see a reg'lar pool a runnin' from that carpet-bag, with a tremenjous smell “Well, then," I says, “ you didn't write nothink of the sort for I've of sperrita, but didn't take no notice, when all on a sudden she gives got your letter in my pocket, leastways, in my bag, and I'll show it you a start and says, “Oh my bottle;" and if she'adn't'ad a bottle of whiskey by-and-by." And so I did when I was more myself, and if he hadn't all the while of 'er own in that bag as 'ad got broke with the fall, not been and left out "don't” with a blot over its" as both Job and me as I blamed 'er for gettin' a drop of brandy out of me, for of all the road for “I am.” I never see BROWN more took aback or put out, and beastly stuff as ever I did taste it's that whiskey, as Burbun is the tho' he didn't say much, I see as he were pleased to see me a-comin' 'Merrykin for, and no wonder, as burris their insides out and turns 'em thro' fire and water like to nuss 'im, as I'm thankful as he didn't stand as yaller as a guinea in no time.
in no need on; but I do think as sich another journey would be the I didn't say a word nor take no notice for I was more dead than bend of me, and tho' BROWN says as he's a-makin' money 'ere, I must alive, and as night were &-comin' on agin I asks if I could ’ave one of say as it ain't a place as I takes to at all; where you may go about and them sleepin' cars, as they said I could arter supper, and a nice supper find yourself cut off from a drop of drink, jest thro' a-goin' a few it were as we got about seven, a bit of steak as 'ard as a 'alter as miles, as is 'ighly dangerous for them as is subject to sudden cramps the sayin' is, and a few 'taters' and tea as cat-lap is the name for it, as might cut you off in a instant, and is no better than murder to deny with cake and treacle, and bread and cheese as they eats with happle- anyone a drop of brandy, as 'ave saved many a life, tho' no doubt pie and not a drop of nothink to comfort anyone.
there is parties as 'ave drunk theirselves into the grave, but that ain't So I gets into the sleepin' car too tired for to ask no questions, and no reason why others should be denied in moderation what is needful was that glad to lay down as I paid the young man two dollars for, and for the 'ealth, as I'm sure MRS. WEBSTER, as were JANE CAULDWELL, asked no questions and we was soon a-jogglin' on wiolent when a man wouldn't be alive and the mother of seven now if I'adn't dropped with a lamp come along and says, “Your ticket.”
brandy down her throat with a quill, and her jaws set and her eyes So I give it 'im and he says"you're in the wrong train and must pay fixed in typhus fever when only seventeen, ander own mother a-sayin' over agin.”
to me “Don't torment 'er but let 'er die in peace,” as my words was, I says, ""'Ow is that you
“ While there's life there's hope," as proved true, for she was asked in “Why," he says “this is a goin' to Boston."
Churoh that werry time two years, and a good match too when you Well I says then I'll go to Boston, and pays the money and drops comes to consider as the tripe-and-trotter is a ready money business, off in a instant, for dogs ain't nothink to the tired as I were, and slep' partikler with 'ot sheeps' 'eads throwed in of a Saturday night as isn't thro' all that racket till next mornin' as found me in Boston, as they things I ever took to, tho' I knowed a family as were of the Scotch calls it, though a place as is in England, for BROWN ’ave been there as persuasion as did used to make broth with 'em, and burn the wool off is werry ridiculous in the 'Merrykins a-namin' all the places the same, as made it taste for all the world like tops of pens as our Joe did used as must cause confusion to the postman, as can't know where to deliver to burn in the candle, and call it roast beef, as I pretty soon put a stop the letters. Jest the same as MRS. SMITH as went and christened all'er to, thro' not a-bearin' the smell. eight the same names as their aunts and uncles, and says, “Oh they're So I was a-sayin' a-not-allowin' a drop of brandy to be sold will family names as all the cousins is called the same” so when a letter bring on murder some day, as is sure to be found out, though p'rhaps come a sayin' as PETER SMITH were dead in London none on 'em too late, as were the case with that willin as murdered the Mars'ES, knowed which he were.
and never brought 'ome to 'im till he'd been and 'ung 'isself in prison, I don't know where I should 'ave got to at Boston but for a old as showed 'is guilt, as must be a awful thing to 'ave on your mind, gentleman in the train as spoke to me werry friendly, and stopped the and so I told MRS. SKIDMORK's own brother, as is one of them teefeller from cheatin' me out of some Canady money, as is worth a deal totalers, as I told him “If you likes water, stick to it,” as I'm sure if more than 'Merrykin, and if that old gentleman didn't take me to a he'd drunk less on it, and used a little more to 'is face and 'ands, wouldn't werry nice, quiet 'ouse, where a lady took me in for to oblige 'im, and 'ave done 'im no 'arm, as pretty nigh drove me mad with 'is rubbish, it's lucky as I got there, for the snow fell more deeper than ever, and &-goin' on a-sayin' as all drinks was the works of the devil, as we did it's a mercy as I wasn't at that farm-'ouse, as we should 'ave all been ought to set our faces agin. starved at.
Well," I says, “that's what I do, I sets my face agin it or I couldn't It's werry sing'lar'ow them 'Merrykins live, and don't seem to care to drink it, and if he didn't say as I were a reprobate, and leave the 'ave a 'ome of their own, but likes them boardin'-ouses, as comes a 'ouse in a 'uff. But it come 'ome to 'im, for he was found a-settin' on deal cheaper than 'ousekeepin', and certingly that lady in the name of a door-step quite insensible, as the policeman said smelt dreadful of DALY did 'er duty by them, as kep' a good table, and no nonsense liquor, as declared he 'adn't touched a drop of nothink, so they thought about 'er, but give me a drop of brandy in my tea, as brought the life he was p'isoned and was a-goin' to use the stomich-pump as soon back into me.
brought him to his senses, and allowed as he 'ad took jest a drop by I was dreadful put out for to think as I was ever so far off Brown, order of the doctor, but never come near-me no more, as is what I calls and 'im p'raps a-dyin'; but the trains wasn't runnin', and so in course a 'umbug which is a character as I looks down on, tho' not one for to I could not be, and for two days I were kep' in Boston, as MR. DALY be 'ard on anyone as is overtook in a fault, as is werry often owin' to told me was jest like England, when you could see it, as in course you the state of the stomich, for I'm sure I've knowed myself when the could not with the snow five feet deep, and everyone a-goin' about in least thing would upset me, as am not one to give in to drink, but can them slays.
take my share, as much as is good for me, and no one didn't ought to So there I 'ad to stop and couldn't see nothink, as I should like to take more, tho' in course we are all flesh and blood, as is liable to faults, 'ave seen the battle of Bunkum-'ill, as was fought close by, as MRs. and didn't ought to be 'ard one on another, for them as 'olds their 'eads DALY's grandfather 'ad been left for dead with a bagginet right thro' the 'ighest is sure to get the 'ardest knocks. But glad I was to be 'im, as she 'ad a-'angin' over 'is picter, as 'ad lost a eye thro' a red-'ot back agin with Brown, as its lonesome work a-goin' about alone, poker as a mischeevous boy 'ad poked right thro' it, and never the partikler for anyone as is a fieldmale and middle-aged.
FOUR WHEELER FOR WO-OH.
Oh, Pickles! We were at the horse-flesh banquet at the Langham Hotel on the We are none of us safe at any time from the blandishments ut pretty 6th inst. It was the thing to do, and we are very glad it is done ; for girls, but when in addition to their ordinary charms, they add such a though it was not exactly, as Tom INGOLDSBY wrote of an execution, temptation as the following, who is safe 2– "a thing to shudder at, not to see,” we cannot end-'orge the opinion
Imio INDIAN OFFICERS and others. The widow of a naval officer is desirous of that horse-flesh is likely to become a pal-at-table, or a stable article of 1 meeting with a gentleman to BOARD with her. She has lived long in India, food. There were three horses in the carte :-the career of one had been and is accustomed to making curries and other Indian dishes. Terms moderate. cut short at the age of four years, the others were immolated at the
Address, etc. respective ages of twenty and twenty-two. Grace having been said Oh! dear delightful widow with an aching heart and a turn for in à voice anything but hoarse, the soup was first put upon the table making curries, no terms would be too extravagant in which to address not hock-stale, but “consommée" of horse, and “purée” of charger. you! Cruel, irritating widow, it was indeed sly of you in one breath These, notwithstanding a slight soupçon of an unusual flavour, were to appeal to both the heart and the stomach! May you be happy with decidedly good. Salmon and soles dressed with sauces of equine origin your Indian officer "and others," only for pity's sake, what with your followed, and were succeeded as hors d'auvres, by horse sausages and caresses and your curries, don't make the place too hot to hold them! horse-liver patties. The first of these was, to our taste, the best preparation of all-the real flavour of the meat being thus most successfully
Founded on Fact. disguised. But soon the mask was thrown off-horse steaks au naturel were set before the company, and then came “the tug of war." Men
An acute observer of the habits of the feathered tribe has remarked looked up at the white horses' heads which were attixed to the walls that on Valentine's Day the chorus of sparrow-bills twittering in the of the room, and which in return looked down reproachfully, and
trees is invariably accompanied by a brisk clinking of sparables in the seemed to veto the proceedings with a silent “Nay, Neigh!" They
boots of the postmen. evidently possessed the same powers as their brethren of the channel between Folkestone and Boulogne, and in spite of rallying cries of
What, Indeed ? encouragement-such as “Go at it, sir! The more you loof the less
One would have thought that the friends of the brute who tried all you'll like it” “Put the spurs into him, sir,” &c., many of the guests he knew to murder MATILDA GRIGG8, would never have let that p craned” at their plates. A baron of horse brought in on the shoulders
girl be thrust into a prison. Still, WAT-KIN you expect from the of four cooks, and preceded by a herald proclaiming it with sound of
belongings of such a brute ? trumpet, “The roast beef of Old England” proved a veritable pièce de résistance, with which none but a stomach as strong as that of an ostrich could contend, and when a facetious gentleman was heard to call
Literary Note. to the waiter to “ bring another penn'orth," the allusion to the skewer
It is rumoured, without the slightest foundation, that Mr. HBPWORTH made his neighbours look “more askewer still.” MR. FRANK BUCKLAND
Dixon is about to publish a second edition of Spiritual Wives, dedi contributed to the dinner a bear's ham. “Bear and for-bear" appeared cated to LORD WILLOUGHBY D'ERESBY and SIR GIDEON CULLINO to be everyone's motto; for it was 80 highly appreciated that in five
EARDLEY. minutes nothing of it but bare bones remained. Seriously, we went to the banquet of horseflesh prepared to enjoy it,
Hard to Bear, Indeed ! and believing that an undue prejudice existed in its disfavour, but we | To a certain extent the character of a man may under must honestly say we did not like it, and wo doubt if it will ever come told by his handwriting. You may be sure that no one of a b into general use as an article of food.
disposition would bear hard-even on his pen.
THE LAY OF THE LORDLINGS. = What matter how caddish, and mean we appear
Let the Times and the Telegraph shriek'Tis jolly enough with our thousands a year,
And brandies-- how many a week ?
And tumble in tipsy to bed,
Who cares- we are gentlemen bred !
To the chivalric days of the past;
And up to their fences, and fast!
Bah! the days of devotion are dead;
They know-we are gentlemen bred.
At the bucks of the polished old school;
Why, a man with a stock is a fool.
The hat stuck askew on the head,
For we are all gentlemen bred.
We are pointed at day after day,
In a mean and contemptible way,
In these days of reform, it is said
Although we are gentlemen bred.
A Brute. OLD SCRABITT had strictly interdicted the delivery of all Valentines within his family circle. The postman bringing one for his favourite daughter PATTY-poor girl, she couldn't help it (she wouldn't if she coulds, he deliberately chucked her out of window P-+-oh dears no! under the chin!
Education and Art.
Answers to Correspondents. An article on education in the Photographic Neros winds up with, “Oh, for a large-heart art-teacher Pending the arrival of that [We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or gentleman, will an ordinary schoolmaster do for the writer of the monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and paper ? If so, there would be plenty of work for the pedagogue. He addresses as guarantoos. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted MSS. might point out the grammatical error of such a sentence as
of Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed "The grey-bearded notion that education for the masses were broadswords,
envelope ; but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor da barricades, and revolution concealed in sheep's clothing.”
we hold ourselves responsible for loss.)
X. Y. Z. 'sends us the old joke about “mar-malade;" with a new joke A notion with a grey heard is funny enough, but a barricade in sheep's attached to it in the form of a note :-"Malade in French means sick.".. clothing is so comical, that the schoolmaster might venture to say, E. Nup is not as good as a feast-though he's as bad as almost anything. “Don't talk nonsense,” without any fear of "hurling a shaft of timid | FREEDOM should not write hobbling verse about GARIBALDI—it's not awe into the breast of the plodding student.” He might also tell the freedom, it's a liberty. “plodding student” that the Messiah is not one of the heaven-born RORIENG MAC.--The frescos in the House are by Mr. E.M. WARD. melodies of HANDEL; and finally he might object to the sentence,
DAGMAR.-We are sorry for your ignorance; you quite misunderstand “Of the two, the pupil is the most rational," that nothing can be the
| us, but we are not surprised. most rational of two-it might be more rational. And so might the
H. H. H.-You have given us not only aches, but pains with your
excruciating doggerel. article we quote.
D. (Darlington).-Good; but we mustn't publish it.
CANTAB can't'ab a chance of distinguishing himself in our columns. A Distinction without a Difference.
ESOR.-If we printed you, you would become an Isor. A CONTEMPORARY, in its Roman letter, speaks of a “COUNT:
J. C. (Oakley-square).-Your « Bachelor's Hobbies" must suffer from SCHMIASING-KOERARMBROECK, formerly an officer in the Prussian Foot lameness, they halt so abominably. We have “ fired" them-it was the Guards, the story of whose quitting that service with his brother, on best thing to be done for them. account of their manly condemnation of the practice of duelling, made C. W. W. (Sutherland-street).-Your Old English is almost as bą.3stbe a great noise in Europe some time ago." His brother was naturalised modern English of those you satirise. an Austrian subject, entered the Imperial army, and fought at Sadowa COSTERMONGER Joe may move on with his "shallow” contribuita, against the land of his birth. Well, there is no accounting for tastes, SHOPMAN.-Nothing else to-day, thank-you. but we must confess that we think the man who could fight against
INDENTURE.—Not quite up to the mark. his native land and his fellow-countrymen, exhibited unnecessary
Declined with thanks :-W. S., Cambridge; J. R., Southampton squeamishness—to use no harsher term-in declining to fight a duel.
J. M. L., Musselburgh; G. P., Marylebone-road; X. Y., Edinburgh;
: :c His quarrel with his country was a personal one-80 would the duel Wilts: M. Mes Westminster: Pointsman: E. c. S., Elmore-street; have been-but in the latter instance, he would have fought only one A. L., Westminster; H. N., Kew; W.J., Penghurst-road ; E. H., Epping; of his compatriots instead of a wbole army.
L. K., Dublin; Skyblue; 'J. B. T., Brixton; C. M. C., Craven-street ;
stant Reader; J. T., Macclesfield; G. L. G., Liverpool; F. A. E., Green. USED UP.- When it rains an umbrella,
wich; A. E. G., Dundee ; J. B., Dundee ; W. J. R.; H. B. S.; S. W.
RHYMES OF THE RED BOOK.
A DREADFUL CRUX.
To work, and oysters, desk and playtime
And weak and frightened all the daytime.
Plots, counterplots, and rowdy raving,
I saw three crosses on the paving.”
I can't be here all day to watch you,
Your special constable will catch you,
And ready is to walk his beat up,
Intends, I think, to take our street up."
Pipe and Tabor. TENDER-HEARTED NELLIE's bosom is torn with the pangs of jealousy. Thinking of one very dear to her, far, far away in Abyssinia, she exclaims, with a flood of tears, “ Suppose he were to fall in love with that horrid, odious, DEB-O-RA-H TABOR!” NELLIE's ideas of Abyssinia are evidently about as foggy as those of the public generally, from the War Office authorities, downwards.
about. The subject of politics demands very serious attention, Bones, The platform of Christy Minstrelsy is again occupied by the full especially at the present time. We are on the eve, Bones, of a crisis Council assembled for the despatch of important business.
which will need all the strength of the Government. Sagacity and
firmness will be required, Bones, in a very high degree. Look at Pompey.—Well, Bones, have you considered the question which I
Fenianism, Bones. Look at the Irish Question as a whole, Bones. Look lately put before you?
at the rights and the wrongs of the working-man, Bones. Has he got Bones.—Oh, yes; I've considered de question what you lately put
full measure, Bones, in his dealings with Parliament and the Ministry, afore me.
on the question of Reform ? Answor me, Bones, if you can. POMPEY.— And what is your answer to that question, Bones ? Bones.- Didn't I told you, in de mose extinct craziology, dat I was
BonBs.-H'yah, yah, yah! Whew!
POMPEY.-That reply, Bones, is of a character to induce the belief tol'ably sluboobirous ?
that you fail to understand my moaning. POMPEY.—That was not the answer, Bones, to my principale
Bonis.—Quite possible! You see, my dear Pompey, your language question.
is so utterly destitute of anything like logical arrangement that, I confess, Bones.-Wasn't it?
there is some difficulty in following you from one sentence to another. POMPEY.—Certainly not, Bones.
No sooner have you said “Look at Fenianism"-which is not a pretty Bones.—Den it is now. POMPEY.-Come, come, Bones; you will not refuse, I am sure, to
object, I will allow—than you ask me to look at something else was a
whole,” though even a tenth part of it would require a deal of looking give me your dogmatic and categorical opinion respecting the recent legislative measure for the extension of the franchise.
at, to see plainly and to note practically. Then, before I have quito Bones.-Won't I ? Dem's de bery animals what I'm gwine to keep
begun to look at this gigantic and complicated business," as a whole," till somebody bids me too much for 'em.
you cry out again, “Oh, look there! See if there isn't a working-man
just gone by with all his rights and wrongs in a basket!” Which Pompey.- Well, then, Bones; if you are determined on withholding
are his rights and which are his wrongs ? Are his rights all right, and your judgment respocting the recent legislative measure for the exten- | sion of the franchise, I hope you will favour me with your views with
isn't it very wrong that he should have any wrongs at all ? Let us regard to the general aspect of the political horizon."
keep to one thing at a time, my confused, but in all other respects
estimable, Pompey. When I rattle the symphonies to any of your Bones.—H'yah, yah, yah! De political rising? It's been put down.
charming songs, I don't interpolate solo passages for the bones from POMPEY.—Put down, Bones ? BONES.—Yes; by SIR RICHARD MAYNE.
the works of BeETHOVEN, HANDEL, OPPBNBACH, MOZART, FRED GODPompey.—Put down by Sir RICHARD MAYNB, Bones?
FRBY, and Dr. ARNE.
POMPBY.-I'll meet thee at the lane, love, when the clock strikes BONES.–Either him or de special constables, or de Home Secret'y, or
cret y, of nine. de Horse Guards, or MR. BBALEA, or LORD DERBY, or GEORGE FRANCIS
Boxes. -No, you don't. I've a bery particular engagement someTRAIN, or JOHN BRIGHT, or de LORD MAYOR, or de Common Council, where else, a long way off. eb'ry night you're gwine dat way. or de Beadle of Westminster Abbey. POMPEY.—Bones, I'm afraid you don't know what you're talking |
Et omnes cantant.
Printed by JUDD & GLA88, Phenix Worko, 8. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS BAKER at 80, Fleet-street E.C.
LONDON : February 22, 1868,