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Review on the Brain.

BY A BRIGHTON IDIOT.
Oh, let me drop a voluntear,
Since Easter Monday's coming near ;
And sigh to think, with many frowns,
Of camping on life's ups and downs,
For northern breezes, stiff as starch,
Have made the Rifles think of march,
And wildly eager to assault
The lame and blind—but not the halt.
Assault, said I? 'T were no false flattery
If I should say assault and battery ;
As cannon will be there to pound
To-and with-powder all around.
It all the news may be believed
Which through the outpost I've received,
The gallant troops, in green or grey,
Will come in uniform array,
Of meat they won't have any lack,
For there shall be the beefouac;
And fruit they 'll also get galore,
Since every apple 's with a corps.
Then if this noble expedition
Can't turn the key of the position,'
They need but creep into the thicket,
Seize the deadlock, and simply pick it.
Civilians by the guns will tarry,
Tom, Dick, and eke Martini. Harry;
And Mr. Gladstone they should ax,
Since be so well wards off a tax,
So to the field, fair ladies, come,
And play beside the fife and drum ;
Without a charge you 'll get a seat,
And quite enjoy the cool retreat.
With telescopes, my worthy crew,
You all shall have a fine re-view;
And though rain falls, it doesn't boot-
My corns, besides the troops, can shoot!

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RUBBING IT IN.
Laundress. -"THIS SHIRT, Mossoo, IS TOO DIRTY AND GREASY TO
WEAR, AND TOO RAGGED TO WASH!"

Mossoo.—"AH! MADAME, IT IS, AS YOU HAVE IN YOUR ONE TIME AND
ANODER GIVE HIM TOO MOOCH OF YOUR ELBOW GREASE,

THE LATEST OCCUPATION OF THE PARISIAN “LOAFER.” - Stealing loaves.

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OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND THE WILD HORSES. Belore I could think of a fitting repaitee-it was not until I was in "Well, to be sure !” I remarked to my friend, after the Wild

bed last night that I thought of the crushing rejoinder, “ Then you don't Broncho Horses of the Prairie had compleied an elaborate military

consider each horse a 'Rarey avis,' then?"-another mare, so creamy drill, and began to carry on in the most unequine-like way with their

white that her very whey of stepping suggested a milk-walk, was introtrainer's pocket-handkerchief. Well, to be sure ! I really think Mr.

duced for the purpose of rolling a barrel up a plank. Farini must bave procured these quadrupeds from the land of the

She don't seem inclined to roll it, do she?" remarked a foolish indi. *Houynhms."

vidual at my side before the mare had even begun to try. “Yes," returned my friend, "I thought there was a 'Swift' look

“Of course she isn't inclined,” I exclaimed, snappisbly ; "but the about them when they galloped in."

plank is, you see, and that answers the same purpose. “For my part," I answered, feeling my Extra-Special reputation

I was more impressed, however, by the agile way in wbich two horses demanded prompt vindication, "I came here quite expecting, seeing it

played at see-saw, and was seeking an opening to suggest that their is an Aquarium, to find sea-horses on view."

motto ought to be 'Aut see-saw, aut nullus,' when the hero of the occa. "And, instead of C horses, you find each one is a 'gec,' eh ?” queried

sion was introduced. “Gentlemen," cried Mr. Bob White, “this is my irrepressible friend, who will certainly not be taken out by me again.

Nettle,” which was not a judicious name to give him, because on hear. Meanwhile, two of the cleverly trained steeds were opening a box and

ing it we none of us cared to "give him a hand.” taking out a handkerchief with such neatness that I felt it incumbent on

I wonder what his little game is?" asked a weak-eyed man in a pipy

voice. me—there's nothing like keeping yourself en evidence, Sir-to publicly address Mr. Bob White, their owner and trainer, “These skewbalds, I

“You can, at all events, judge of his stile from that,” said I, pointing believe, Mr. White," said I, “were five years ago careering over the

to the five-barred gate which had been placed into position. boundless plains of Colorado ?”

“I must tell you, gentlemen,” explained Mr. Bob White, “that Nettle "They were, sir,” Mr. White politely replied ; "all eight of 'em

is not well this evening.”. were caught the same day."

"Then why not send him to Nettley horse-pital ?" I asked during the Then, Sir, my eyes fiashed, for I saw my way to making a quip.

pause that ensued. “Oh! you collared eight, did you ? I wonder, under the circumstances,

Instead of answering me, Mr. White proceeded to station the horses you did not Colora-dozen i ”

on the other side of the five-barred gate, on which, after a little coaxing, After this, Sir, everybody seemed to know me. “Why, it 's Fun's Nettle (who must have wanted physic badly) coolly took the lot! Extra-Special !" I heard them whisper around me. And then I felt,

It was indeed a wonderful feat, Sir, and moved me strangely—so Sir, I must coruscate at any cost.

much so, in fact, that I had scarcely got outside before, nerved to emu. "Do you notice how Rarey-fied' the atmosphere is becoming?” I

lation by what I had seen, I quickened my footsteps into a run, and exclaimed by way of commencement, as the mare called Piccannini began | just by the corner of Parliament Street, Sir, took a 'bus. waltzing about on her bind boofs at a signal from her master.

“Not at all," cried Mr. Farini, who is also a wag in his way, "this A BENDING BEFORE THE “GAEL."— Mr. Gladstone's promise to is no mere 'Raree' show."

consider the claim of Scotland to a Cabinet Minister,

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IT WAS HER OWN FAULT THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE THEM LAST YEAR.

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(See Cartoon.)
THERE is joy again in London-on-the-Sea,
And its denizens are happy as can be,

For they'll have a pretty sight on

The extensive Downs of Brighton,
Downs spelt with a big but highly proper D.
And to make the scene more lively and more gay,
Swarms of visitors in holiday array

Will come flocking in with dozens

Of their sisters and their cousins,
And their aunts, of course,-aunts with a little a.
Oh, those denizens receive a nasty jar
When you rob them of the charms of mimic war ;

And they look on Easter Monday

As their special sword-and-gun-day,
Their Review Day-with a well-developed R.
Which explains that there's a simple recipe
How to cheer the folk of London-on-the-Sea:

If you wish their cares to lighten,

Bring the Volunteers to brighten,
With an e or o, and big or little B.

DITTIES OF THE DAY,

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

ADAPTED TO THE MUSIC OF THE MOMENT.

IF THAT BILL HAD PASSED. “For the benefit of the Working Classes."-- Time-honoured War-cry of the

Increased-Dividend Hunter.

Time-Say Ten Years hence. BOB (journeyman carpenter). Say, Sarah, Bank 'Oliday to-day. Ought to go somewhere-specially as the City Corporation 's taken such pains to preserve the open spaces roun' London for the injoyment of the workin' classes. Wot d'ye say to a run down to Eppin' Forist?

SARAH (his wife). Why, certinly, Bob ! I'll jest put a bit of some. thing to eat in a bag

BOB. Eh? Ush, Sarah | whatever can you be thinkin' of? You 'll offend the kind Corporation, that's taken such pains to preserve the open spaces. It's a understood thing, the big public 'ouses in the Forist comes under the 'eading of “Workin' Classes," and the Forist's bin preserved partly to support 'em. So we're supposed to patternise them, and git our grub there—see?

SARAH. Oh, very well, Bob. I'm sure I don't want to do anybody out of their rights. I 'll jest put on the children's 'ats, and it'll jest be a nice walk for us all

BOB. I say, don't git a-talkin' in that way, Sarah-it ain't grateful. You ain't expected to walk to Eppin' Forist, 'cos the railway compnies comes under the 'eading of the “Workin' Classes," and the Forist 's bin preserved mostly to support 'em. You're expected to ride in a train to the Forist, and in the Forist ; and when you git tired of injoyin' the Forist on one line o' railway, you can change to another.

SARAH. Well, I don't want to do anybody out—but walkin' would do us an' the children more good than trains, wouldn't it?

BoB. P'r'aps it would ; but we mustn't be selfish, Sarah-we've got to consider the workin' classes, as the Forist 'as been preserved for the injoyment of. Ready? Very well ; now we can go through the Forist by any line o' rail we like ('cos all the railway compnies comes under the 'eading of the “Workin' Classes"). So what d' ge say to goin' straight through the Forist by the Great Eastern, and then straight through it the other way by the Great Northern, and then round it by the Great Southern, and then windin' about it in little curls by the Great Western?

SARAH. But ain't the children to 'ave jest a little run on the grass ?
BOB. On the WOT !?
SARAH. Why, on the grass, Bob; ain't they to set under the trees?

BOB, Hunder the WOT!!? Ain't you 'eard wot I said? I said we was a-going to Eppin' Forist-not Haustralia. There, 'ere we are. Now the children can put their mouths out o' the carridge winder, and git a nice lungful o'smoke from the ingin. Some folks think the smoke from the Great Southern ingins does yer more good than the Great Eastern's; but that 's all a matter of opinion.

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NEW SERIES. No. 38.-A SONG OF SADNESS.

AIR—Deary, deary me!
Oh, this is the way that this ditty begins :

Deary, deary me!
And so it proceeds to the end (for our sins),

Deary, deary me!
The French have been trying of late, if you please,
To scare the unfortunate Malagasese
(For “ Malagasese" they are called, or I err,
Although “Madagascans” is what I'd prefer),

Deary, deary me!
Oh, deary, deary me! how odd it seems to be;
Yet a Frenchman would probably try to squelsh
A chap who dared to call him a “Frelsh ;"

Oh, deary, deary me!
The "Forest of Epping 'Let's Collar it'Bill"-

Deary, deary me!
Has met with a thoroughly merited “spill;".

Deary, deary me!
It's clear Mr. Forster is all that is bad,
He once was a friend of Mazzini, by gad!
The “ Leaguers” keep giving the bobbies the slip,
And poor Mr. Biggar's been missing his tip,

Deary, deary me!
Oh, deary, deary me! it's such a jolly spree;
'T was di'mond cut di'mond 'twixt “Fan and Joe,"
He's lost, but then she's won, you know;

Oh, deary, deary me!
Let's find a consessor who's very polite,

Deary, deary me!
And ask him to tell us if kissing is right;

Deary, deary me?
"The workmen of Paris" are rather snuffed out;
Some nice "votes of censure" are hanging about ;
And Bordesley it seems very largely consists
Of ruffianly rioting Ritu-a-lists ;

Deary, deary me!
Oh, deary, deary me! a pretty sight to see ;
There's one satisfaction—it's sure to place
The other side in better case;

Oh, deary, deary me!
The Prince of Wales mentions the Crimean graves,

Deary, deary me!
They should long have received the attention he craves;

Deary, deary me!
Smith's in, and for Wycombe; and, isn't it strange ?
The dress of the soldier is threatened with change;
And I'm off to reside in New York in a trice,
Because Mrs. Langtry declares that it's “pice;"

Deary, deary me!
Oh, deary, deary me! I think you will agree
What very nice persons those Boers must be
Unless the tales are "a'a lee;"

Oh, deary, deary me!

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LITTLE JIM. But wen are we a-comin' to the Forist, father?

BOB. The Forist? Why, you-oh! of course, 'ee ain't seen a forist before. This is the Forist, Jim ; look wot a lot o' semmyphores, and telegraft-poles, and coal-sidin's, and stacks o' sleepers

LITTLE JIM. But I alwis thought there was green things in a forist?

BoB. Green things? Why, you ain't a-lookin' out o' your eyes ! Ain't that ingin green—an' the guard's flag-an'some of the advertisin' boards ? Look at the nice pavement in the little bits of forist between the railway compnies' property., Pavin' comppies comes hunder the 'eading of the “Workin' Classes,” and it's for their good. Then look at them fine factry chimbleys—factry owners comes under the 'eading too; so does speclative builders, an' dust contractors. Well, if you must walk, we 'll git out here, and—wot 's the matter, mister ?

Railway OFFICIAL. You can't walk about 'ere-- property of the company. This Forist is for the benefit of the Workin' Classes.

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