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THE BEAUTY-BANISABR. Fun had been out early, and caught one of them (an average speci. men), and had him securely locked up in a room.
Then Fon (who, it is needless to say, has existed through all ages) went back to ancient times and found a Goth very busy: first he knocked the ornaments off a Corinthian capital and threw them in a kiln; then he tried how a marble statue would look without a nose, and then without a head ; then he set himself to strip the ivory skin from a goddess; and then he saw Fun observing him.
No. X.-BEN BOBBINGTON. If human life is so particularly uncertain, how much more slippery is most of the friendship and affection which is contracted by a man or woman during a period of prosperity !
Ben Bobbington's dinners were good, and his friends numerous, for Alderman Browning acted as Ben's chief adviser in these matters. At no place in London were such côtelettes aux pointes d'asperges to be eaten as at Ben's; it was generally supposed that he kept a special messenger always ready to start for Algiers to procure things out of season. Ben occasionally postured as a wag, too. For instance, when the alderman refused to take a dip at Brighton, Ben remarked that pickle always disagreed with civic functionaries, though they were so often in one; whereat pretty Alice Browning, the alderman's daughter, laughed.
"Keep this lucky sixpence, Ben,” said Alice, as they leant against a side of the pier.
"I will keep half, and you the other," replied Ben, "as a tie between
So he broke the sixpence with his strong fingers, gave her half, and sounds of osculation disturbed the quiet of the evening. Then they talked of marriage, escaping from heavy dinners, revels on the Rhine ; and Ben, as he sipped his iced Moselle frappé, felt a happy man that night.
Suddenly one day the L'Argentique Silver Mining Company smashed, the Scorchester Bank (unlimited) stopped, and Ben Bobbington became a beggar.. At first people were sympathetic. The alderman asked him twice to dinner, then sent him a note from his daughter, returning his presents, in which the lady said she had “thrown the half-sixpence into the fire, as of course everything was off now."
As Ben began to get shabby, friends began to find out how wanting in tact and prudence he had been. Gradually be sank lower and lower, never having been taught to do anything, and those who used to give him a cold nod now cut him completely, till at last he was lost sight of entirely.
On a bright June morning much hushed commotion was visible among the denizens of Rose Court, and they talked in muffled whispers, while their faces expressed dread. An inspector of police and a constablehad
“I fancy this 'll startle your lovers of “The Beautiful,'' said he.
“Oh, I don't know. Your efforts are very feeble by the side of what I've seen.
I should like you to come and have a chat with a specimen I have at home.” And Fun took the Goth to that room where the specimen was locked up, and sent him in. Within three minutes the Goth was thumping to be let out ; and when he came out he was quite pale, and said he felt sick. “Oh, I say!” he gasped, "I thought I was bad enough; I fancied my mental condition was sufficiently degraded ; but his į Do let me get away; I feel faint." And the Goth staggered home, and reformed.
Then Fun went and found an Early Christian, also very busy. He could have given the Goth points in grovellingness of mind, and beaten him easily; for he had had some instruction, and lived among civilization; but there he was, hacking at the works of art which had escaped the Goth; there he was, pulling down the noblest buildings in his nar. row-minded intolerance, and venting his blind frenzy upon the beauty which he confounded with evil.
“Well, I admit that you are pretty promising," said Fon; "but ! should like you to hear the sentiments of a specimen I have at home."
The Early Christian went into the locked room, and came out nearly as quickly as the Goth. “Yes, he beats me, I admit,” said he, and went home to turn over a new (and more Christianlike) leaf.
Then FUN turned his steps toward one of the most beautiful countries in the world—California; and he was just standing, filled with a peaceful joy by the loveliness of the sights and sounds of nature, when his ear was saluted by a long string of horrible oaths and the chink of metal, and he noticed a miner in search of gold.
“Purty country, ain't it, stranger ?" swore the miner. "I'm iest laid on to do my level best to wake it up a bit."
“Hum! Yes, you 're tolerably successful in your line ; but if you could spare a moment" And the miner was introduced into the locked room. “Here, catch me, stranger !" said he, rushing out. "I did always reckon to have a roughish kind o' mind, and sordid, and selfish; but blame me if I don't seem to be a poet after he's said three
} words. And the miner was so honestly disgusted that he threw away that gold, and never went near a beautiful spot again.
Then Fun found a builder cutting down fine old trees and spoiling beautiful meadows. When he had put up a row of villas, he just propped them up, and turned to Fon for applause. “Look better than your tame meadows and things, eh?” said he.
"Well," said Fun, “I prefer the meadows, if you don't mind my saying so. Still, you 're a necessary evil, as people must have houses to live in, so we'll excuse you. But if you could spare a momentAnd the builder went into the locked room, and came out again.
“Well,” said he, “that's a sickener for me. I had a sort of a notion that I was sort o'greedy and kind o' didn't care how I spoilt decent people's pleasure when I could turn a penny-but him! 'Well
, all I know is, I'd prefer to be as little like him as possible ; so I shall chuck up this line o' mine." And he did.
“ Here, come out-you can go home now to your dividends and things. Ugh! don't brush against me!” said Fun, unlocking the door, and giving the Specimen Railway Director a parting kick.
gone up the court, and entered the rusty brown doorway of one of the houses, so speculations were rife as to who was "wanted." But he wbo was wanted had gone! Upon a heap of straw and old sacks, in a den at the bottom of the house the inspector had entered, lay a man clothed (if his rags could be called clothes), who seemed asleep.
“Dead !" said the inspector, as he bent down and felt his pulse.
"Dead !" echoed the landlady; "I knowed he were. And I s'pose he 'll 'ave to be inkwidged, 'ang 'im I and, wot's wuss, he ain't paid no rent for a fortnit fur this back kitchen.” And she waved the flickering candle that dimly lighted the scene.
“Back kitchen !" said the inspector; "cellar, I call it. When did you find him like this ? " “Ten minits afore I sent fur you," replied the woman, crustily.
The inspector bent over him again, removed a broken lucky sixpence from the clenched hand, and picked up an empty chloral-bottle.
“I thought so," he muttered; "poor wretch! Bring a better light, landlady; and you wait here, Jones, while I fetch the doctor."
He was duly "inkwidged,” and his name was Ben Bobbington.
Native (to Huntsman in distress). "Ah, sor, an is it in the bog ye are, thin?"-HUNTSMAN. "Yes, confound it! Just lend a hand here, my man, will you?"NATIVE Begorra, now, that bog yer honner's pathrenoising the whoile is a moighty famous one in these parruts."-HUNTSMAN. "Yes, for filth, I should say.' NATIVE. “An I said to meself, as I saw yer honner roiding along so fast, Sure his honner will be asther fallin' in the bog in a minnut."-HUNTSMAN. “Why didn't
shout and warn me, then?"-Native. "Ah, sor, an' was it for the loikes av me to be dictatin' to yer honner which way to roide? Not at all at all! you
I'd not be so rewd anny way. An' besoides, I thought if I lint yer honner any assistance, I'd mebbe earn half a crown towarruds me rint, d' ye see ? An' though ye 're
I a Saxin, an' consiquintly an inimy to Ould Oireland, I wouldn't be so onchristyan as to refuse to aid ye for that small sum, sor!"
(He got it.
vaal affair. He read ze Blue Book. Sings out zare seem ver much blue.
Ze same tune is being play in ze Commons-mais, helas! ze Boers are not Turk, ze Kaffir not Bulgarian. Mr. Morley even regret ze Convention vis ze Boers evare made. I say ve now reap ze harvest of “Peace vis Dishonour."
On Sursday night ve have up Mr. Trevelyan, Mr, Dodds—not ze Tommy Dodds, et autres—vit motions regardant Irish business. Bientôt après zare is great row outside. Ze Home Office have been nearly blow up. Is zis Irish business too? mais, ce n'est pas sujêt pour rire celui-ci.
THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN PARLIAMENT.
Ze Lords on Sursday, ze March 9, zey vere busy. Premièrement ze Lor Chancellor he present ze Bill to deal viz Contempt of Court. I suppose somevon have put to bis fingare his nose, and call ze Judge “ole
Stanley vant to know if ACT OF PATEL
Milor Derby have receive
explosion of ze report, I EPPINES
mean report of ze explosion of cave full of Kaffirs by ze Boers. Mr. Biddle in ze "ozzare place" ask of Mr. Kidder (I sall mean Childer, zare is not no kid about him) how much people brew zeir beer vi. zout no duty. I say zeir duty it is to drink ze beer. Zare are all sort of ozzare question, zen ve go into
Supply. On ze vote for GULBENE
ze Chief Secretary's office Mr. O'Brien is up. His
langvidge, his mannare, razzare bis vant of mannares, vould get him chuck out of ze Hall of Cogares; mais, malheureusement! he is in ze House of Commons. Mr. Trevelyan reply to ze attack. He vat you call vipe down Mr. O'B. I say vat I sink of ze Membare for Mallow, but ze Espeakare say my langvidge is not Parliamentary. I say "considare ze subject."
Friday, ze 10.-Ze Lords are true esportmans. Zey like to see ze Darby toujours. Adjourdhui, he is up to ansare ze question of ze Earl of ze Var relating to ze affairs in Malta. He do no see how to make zem malta-zat is, alter. Lord Granville reply to Lord Temple regarding ze claim of Portugal to Pongo-pestel i mean ze Congo. He spare none of his (S)pains.
Ze Commons are all alive. Ze Grand Old Man is rouse by Lord Cecil touching ze atrocities in ze Transvaal. But à prèsent ze atrocities are in ze Transvaal au lieu de Bulgaria, and ze miscreants are not Bashi Bazouks, but Boers. Zare is vare good debate on ze case of ze Florence. Lor Randolph show he is not so great fool as be sometime seem to try to look, and Corporal-pardon, I mean Serjeant-Simon, vraiment? is not ze Simon vich is simple. Zey serve ze debate as your leetle boy ze bird-zey put Salt on its tail. Encore Supply.
Monday, ze 12me.—Ze Earl of Milltown complain of ze ventilators of ze railvay on ze Embankment. Grand merci! milor, ze railvay vill not let ze public smoke in all its carriage. Pourquoi! sall ze railvay smoke in ze public road?
In ze Commons, aussi, ve sit on ze railvay. Zis time it is ze Bill to make ze line to Epping, to bring ze smoke, ze orange-peel, ze bottel of beer of gingare, and ze owlin' cad slap into ze Forest. Mr. Bryce say ze stations are dèja vizin ze mile an half
. Sir Chambers say zat is too far, sans contredit, c'est trop loin—it is too far for ze rough, whose holi. day is to get drunk at ze station ; mais, pour moi !-zat mile and half is so charmant, it is two shorts. Ve have lot of qvestions. Zen ze result of ze Danube Conference, enfin ze Estimates.
Tuesday, 13. —Milor Crambook-zat is, Cranbrook-stir up ze Trans
TO THE EDITOR OF “Fon." DEAR SIR,.-Again this week I, forced by fate, emphatically jubilate, and so elate, indeed, am I that should I at this moment die, and you, or one at your request, should open wide my noble chest, and acting an eccentric part, should search for printing on my beart, this striking legend you would trace, “United Kingdom Steeplechase;" and that, in point of fact, my boy, is greatly adding to my joy, for in my tip about the same the declaration early came that
“Magna Charta seems to be
The hope of all,” and, best or worst, you can't deny that it was first ; then
“ Albert Cecil 's seems a case
Of something better than a place," I next remarked; and tell me, pray, was Albert Cecil second, eh? Of course he was a thing we trace as "something better than a place." But that's not all; behold the word that clearly indicated third
"Ignition's light shall show." It did. Ignition's light was far from hid ; in fact, as you thus clearly see, I sent the certain one, two, three ; and so I've cause, as you 'll admit, to up and self-laudate a bit, and that is, as I may advance, a thing which doesn't often chance (this sentence, as I write I see, displays some ambiguity; and so, as Slander's voice I fear, perhaps I'd better make it clear. I do not mean, so spare your slurs, that cause infre. quently occurs (for, goodness gracious knows ! (and you) that that would simply be untrue); I mean that self-laudation trips but seldom through these agèd lips); but now this triumph has occurred, expression will not be deterred, so I once more, I beg to state, emphatically jubilate.
Signed-as I've nothing more to tell, and trusting that you 're keeping well, with kind regards to ma and aunt, and hopes your lodger spots the "plant"; and trusting that your younger niece bas made it right with the police, and thanks for all your favours past, and hopes you 've paid your debts at last ; and kind regards to Mrs. Ed., whose nose is not so very red; and love to that disgusting sham, your swindling Uncle Abraham; remembrances to Mrs. Jones (whate'er relationship she owns), who donkey-lets on Hampstead Heath ; and best respects to baby's teeth ; and Mr. P. J. Sheridan
TROPHONIUS (the Grand Old Man). * Right again ! The Boat Race! The Boat Race! The Boat Race! Who gave you absolute first, bar none? Right again! Hip, hip, hooray! Vivat Regina and pass round the hat.
To CORRESPONDENTS.—The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions.
accompanied by a stamped and directed cnvelope.
Ix no case will they be returned unless
Lesseps and Cook,
To bind its slightly varying views and aims;
A time for calling naughty neighbours names
The new crusade made more by hook than crook ;
Puffons Lesseps, et hissons Messieurs Cook.
Be ours, who hate war's wicked steel and flames;
Prudence and peace are sometimes paying games; And furia Francese caution tames ;
'T was laurels once, 't is now the banker's book A staid Republic's calm attention claims :
Puffons Lesseps, et hissons Messieurs Cook.
Anent the trickery of base Saint James,
Than the broad bounding floods of Father Thames.
Puffant Lesseps, et hissant Messieurs Cook.
For, princes of finance, who ever took
Egyptian bonds, the patriot soul exclaims,
One cut means money ; 't other kills and maims :
"HOW TO REMOVE AN OBSTACLE.”
PARNELL IN A MARCH WIND.
“Easter Offerings." WHATEVER novelty is to be obtained in the production of Easter Gifts, Easter Eggs, &c., will be found in those supplied by Eugene Rimmel.
Louise and her Followers.
NEW LEAVES. What terrible children some of the adherents of Louise Michel must The Theatre, after the excellent photo-portraits of Miss Winifred be! We notice that one of the followers of the citoyenne, a bold bad Emery and Mr. Bancroft, the chief feature in the contents, which are of youth of seventeen, thought fit on the occasion of the late riot in Paris the usual merit, is the stirring poem, "The Women of Mumbles Head," to "intimate that the police were lazy.” Inasmuch as the age of seven. by the editor. It recites an act of beroism, by the way, that has been teen is not proverbial for industry, the young man in question may have somewhat discounted by subsequent explanations. intended the suggestion as a compliment; but the magistrate ruled Household Words is full of material of the most commendable cha. otherwise, for the enthusiastic young Communist was hauled before the racter. “beak," who, having congratulated the police on their industry in bringing The Squire is entertaining company. How capitally he tells that such a hardened malefactor before them, fined him two pounds. Again, story of the Black Dragoon," and other stories ! reflect on the case of the ruffianly schoolboy who was charged with using Macmillan's, amongst other excellent matter, has a curiously interestDaughty language towards the Municipal Guards, and secreting a large ing article on “Our Vulgar Tongue," by Godfrey Turner. pebble in his pocket. After a bold attack of the Guards the villain was The Century and St. Nicholas are both "as beautiful as ever," and secured, but on his mother explaining that the pebble in question was a that is saying not a little. piece of mineral ore for the boy's collection, this audacious Communist The Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Boy's Own Paper, and Girl's was discharged by an effete magistrate. Alas, what a miscarriage of Own Paper are all equally good. justice! It appears, by the way, that the aged maternal parent of Louise “Wyld's Plan of the Volunteer Review”-clear, comprehensive, and is much annoyed by her daughter's pranks, and sadly regrets that she complete-comes at the opportune moment, when its usefulness may be did not follow Solomon's advice touching the early education of children. an aid to both volunteers and reviewers. The old lady thinks a few spankings administered in her early days might have made the citoyenne quite an amiable member of society.
We are wholly unauthorized to state that we have received an indig.
nant letter from Mr. Birch, repudiating any connection with the “obTHE NOBLEST “Row-MAN” OF THEM ALL. -The stroke of the stacle" spoken of in Mr. Biggar's Breach of Promise Case, and declaring Oxford boat.
that he doesn't "know the gentleman."
London : Printed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press High Street, N.W., and Published (for the Proprietors) by W. Lay, at 153 Fleet Street, E.C.
Wednesday, March 21st, 1883.