Mr. Forster give ze Government reminder zat he remember zey have treat him bad; he is like Jollidogue ven he buy ze oyster, he stick up for ze natives.

Monday, ze 19.-Milor Straperen, or somesink, and Campbell, for he is two lord roll into von, say zat ze Government in zeir foreign policy are en voyage-vat you say all abroad.

Mr. Alantattonegerton, zey call him, take his oath for Mid-Cheshire. Zere is hooray on ze Opposition side. Mr. Collings sink ze Government are too slow, he vant zem to put on esteam. Mr. Onslow prefer, naturellement, zey sould get on slow; he get at Mr. Collings touchant his carcass or caucus, I sink he espell it. Sir Harcourt say, en réponse to Sir Richard who is cross, zat ze policemen vare in lots at ze Boat Race ven ze Government offices vere blow up, so it is no use to blow up ze force. Mr. Chamberlain bring in his leetle Bill for Bankruptcy.

Tuesday, ze 20.-Ze Lords sit for ten minutes. Zey have just time to get tro zeir liquors-zat is, ze Bill for sale of zem in Ireland-zen zey adjourn to revive zeir shattered energies till après Eastare.

In ze Commons, Mr. Haircutter-zat is. Croppare-demand if ze Ipecacuanha-I mean, ze Bechuana-chiefs have come over. Zen Milor Good Manners-zat is, John Manners-demand if zat zey are to come over here, and if zat zeir followers vill be allowed. I sink ze noble lord come over "Mr. Ashley. Mr. Oh! She demand how is Milady Dixie. Sir Harcourt say zat ze affair it is going under investigation. Enfin ve rise at seven for our vacation, vell earned. As ze song say, "Hope on, dear loved vons, ve sall me meet again" on ze 29s.

THERE is a rumour afloat to the effect that clergymen will be admitted to the Court Theatre during the run of The Rector on producing their "Orders" at the door!

Dynamite and Dagger.

WOULD to Heaven that Justice, once more endued With a swift unerring hand,

Could punish the "dagger and dynamite" brood,
Whose presence pollutes our land!

For these cowards who don the assassin's mask,
To concealment so swiftly run,

Till it seems as if Justice's righteous task
Were almost a hopeless one.

They pursue their plans meeting little check,
Their victims they hack with knives;
Then Government buildings anon they wreck,
Imperilling scores of lives;

And lately a lady-benevolent, brave,

And fearless for truth and right,

One who aid to the suffering always gave-
Was marked for their venomous spite.

Though the fiendish blow at her heart was dealt,
That courageous woman quailed not,

No quaking terror or dread she felt

And they failed in their murderous plot;
She fearlessly grasped the glittering blade
As the hireling to strike prepared,
And though two gashes that weapon made,
The brave lady's life was spared.

They are Erin's foes, for their aim is not
To do that country good;

Gain and hatred prompt ev'ry deadly plot
Of the Fenian Brotherhood;

And what care they though their deeds cause some
The entire Irish race to scorn?—

A race from which many a hero has come,
Who has courage and honour borne.

Ringleaders and plotters fly far abroad,
Seeking safety beyond the sea,

And they daily these dastardly deeds applaud
With a diabolical glee.

Oh, may these "Invincible" ones ere long,
Receive the assassin's meed,

May Retribution avenge each wrong,

And the world from such fiends be freed!

THE liveliest interest has been excited by the lately-contested event between the District Railway Company's "Selfishness" and the British Public's "Interests."

Owing to a widespread rumour that both competitors were in excellent trim, it was expected that the fixture would result in an exhibition of pace which would beat the best time on record.

When, however, it was learned that the D.R. had made extraordinary exertions to secure the success of their nomination, slight odds in their favour began to be offered, and as events progressed, the confidence of acceptors began to suffer from an insecurity in its foundations.

On the early appearance of the D.R. on the ground, it was evident that no efforts had been spared for the attainment of fitness; and as the bricklayers and the labourers stripped, their splendid condition was the theme of universal admiration.

At the signal, the D.R.'s "Selfishness" (which had been warned more than once by the judges as to getting ahead of the line) placed a magnificent start to its credit column; but in a short time the severe pace obviously began to tell upon the workmen, several of whom grew redhot and set their hair on fire, necessitating a retirement on their part. This contingency had, however, been foreseen by the D.R., as the vacancies were instantly filled with fresh bricklayers from an immense and grandly trained supply ready on the spot.

"

It now began to be observed that the B. P.'s "Interests was feeling the pace acutely, being noticed to be particularly engaged with its wind. It, however, buckled up gamely to its work, although it was evident that those responsible for its condition had not attended to their duty.

A little later, and the finish became a moral for the D R., which, however, pushed on, with a view to putting as much daylight as possible between itself and the adversary, and making good time. Batch after batch of bricklayers and labourers attained white-heat and retired, but the pace, if anything, improved.

With, perhaps, some slight faults in style-such as planting the ivy round the blow-holes upside down, building up alive a few dozen workmen who were overlooked in the hurry, and so forth-it was a really fine performance, and it was amid the utmost enthusiasm that the D.R.'s "Selfishness" impinged on the tape any amount in advance of the B. P.'s unfortunate "Interests," which was pitifully crawling along in a bankrupt condition, and completely waterlogged.

A characteristic remark overheard upon the ground goes to prove that those who know a good thing when they see it, stood to make hay over this event. The words fell from the lips of a well-known sporting character, Mr. FUN.

"Yah!" said he; "did you ever see the B.P.'s 'Interests' brought up to scratch in decent condition? It's a good enough goer if you give it a chance, but tell me the time when its trainers hadn't either negociated their bit o' business with the enemy, or been rank mugs."

SOCIAL SKETCHES.

No. XI.-TILBURY DRAKARD.

MACREADY says, "A wise man will not stop to vex himself with trifles." Won't he? The obese bishop whose knowledge of theology is absolutely crushing, and whose philosophy is a lesson to mankind, fumes at once if a small dirty street boy hints that the said bishop being so uncommon fat, what a pity it is his pals don't work him up into candles. Have you ever seen a general who has won battles and bled for his country-a general covered with decorations-covered also with a very slight nettle-rash? We have. A fractious child wasn't in it for worry with the military hero. We dined in Paris at same table with a politician on whose lips the fate of Europe once hung. His rognons sautés were served a trifle overdone and too highly peppered. Judging from the statesman's language, and the wild roll of his fish-like eye, the waiter had reason to congratulate himself that the mishap happened in Paris, and not in Russia.

Adam Brewster's merry face and round portly form was a pleasure to gaze on; everybody he came in contact with liked him; his jovial, happy temperament seemed actually catching: an hour or two with Adam, listening to his jocose quips and shouts of laughter, usually served as a tonic to the most confirmed misanthrope.

Adam could afford to laugh, for, by his own ability and genius in speculations, he had made an immense fortune. Brewster had one annoyance-his absolute baldness. Even one solitary bristle objected to make an appearance on Adam's head, notwithstanding the most lavish use of hair restorers of all kinds. The slightest banter on the subject transformed Adam from a good-tempered kindly man into a barbarous, ruthless, merciless demon. Of course he wore a wig; but if, on its falling off by accident, anybody even smiled, his rage was almost uncivilized.

Adam loved his little stepson, Tilbury Drakard, dearly. Tilbury's mother was dead, and Brewster seemed to concentrate all his affection on the lad.

One fatal afternoon Adam was sitting in an easy chair on his lawn, taking a nap after lunch. His wig had tumbled off, and his bald head bobbed gently up and down. Tilbury and a schoolfellow were playing about with pea-shooters.

Suddenly Tilbury shouted to his friend, "Let's have a shot at old Bladder-of-lard. He's asleep, and won't know what it is."

But they were mistaken. Adam did know what it was, and he heard what was said. Having raved and thrashed for an hour, Adam never spoke to the boy till fifteen years afterwards, when on his death-bed he informed Tilbury that he left him his fortune upon three conditionsviz., "that he should marry a bald-headed woman," and "should not take possession of his property till he was bald-headed himself," and also "that neither he nor his wife should ever wear wigs." Then the old man died, and the young man went out sorrowing, for he was engaged to Myra Selwyn, a fashionable beauty. Having stated the terms of his uncle's will to Myra, he was astonished to hear her laugh, and say, "Well, Til, as soon as the old buffer's buried we must both go to Shipwright's, have our heads shaved, and get married at once. Hair doesn't take long to grow again." Then a light burst on Tilbury that the baldness was not to be for ever, and he executed the Highland fling skilfully. We give Myra's portrait since her hair has grown again: she is probably the only bald-headed girl who ever got married.