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A BINT. MAMMA. —"Ah me ! another year nearly ended."

GRANDPAPA. — “Yes, yes; the New Year is just upon us, and who can tell what our future may be? I suppose the future doesn't trouble you much, Clara, my dear, eh?”

Clara.—“No, grandpapa ; I'm wondering what my present will be.”

NOTES ON THE CALENDAR. The Solar Cycle.-Your son's bicycle.

Lady Day falls on the 25th March.- Be prepared therefore to be at hand, and help Lady Day to get up again.

Licences to kill game must be taken out on the 6th April.-- Licences to try to kill it must be procured on the same day.

Fire Insurances should be paid on July 8th.-And it's good "policy” to

The shortest day in the year is Dec. 25th.—The 21st is usually called so, but as this is 7 h. 45 m in length, whilst the 25th being a quarter day can only be 6 h., it is clear that the latter is the shorter.

INDOOR SPORTS FOR THE YEAR.
January.-Long-bow shooting. February.-Fencing with a question.
March.–Ballot boxing.

April. - Cricket on

the hearth. May.-Grey hair hunting.

June. — Tilting waggons.
July.-Shooting corns.

August.–Riding a sanitary hobby.
September.-Hair curling.

October.

Jumping at conclusions. November.-Driving nails.

December. --Fishing for compliments.

pay them.

Fatty Degeneration. Xmas is indeed a gross season, for not only is it associated with very fat cattle, but one of its inevitable accompaniments is the "plump pudding."

MARCH AND APRIL. GARDENERS should stick forward peas during March. Parents should do likewise to forward children. It is not bliss when one's hat blows off in a high wind, to be howled after, “Oh, ma! what a funny bald-headed old man ! was he always like that, do you think?" "Hush! no, dear." “Do you think the hairs will ever sprout again, ma ? and is that a wart on the back of his head?” Hatters are supposed to be more than usually mad in March—mad with joy at the number of “tiles” destroyed by the mad March air.

There will be a partial eclipse of the moon in April, but as it will not be visible in this couniry, we do not give details, but only mention the fact for the benefit of moonstruck readers who may wish to go abroad to see it. Large numbers of clerks are annually discharged at this period of the year on account of their partiality for spring onions. Artists

are particularly warned to beware of the First Blow, Irish Boreas, puff and blow-butt at tree and roof.

of April. Messages brought from influential Your ram-like conduct e'en doth show that Gladstone's tempest picture dealers on this day, asking for an imme. proof.

diate interview, treat with scorn.

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EGYPTIAN EXHIBITION

FIRST PRIZE
Vere iss de end for ma sad woes--me nevare sall forget-
Brute Bull, you've spoilt all ma repose since Arabi you met.

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"BITTER.” DRAYMAN._“You 'll find this lot o' beer reg'lar prime, marm. We're a-brewin' on quite a new principle."

Mrs. INNKEEPER. —"I be mortal glad to hear thet, man. From the way your beer 's bin 'dulterated lately, I s'posed yer master was a-brewin' without any prinsiple at all.” A “FIGURE"-ATIVE AND “Cutting” Amusement.-Skating.

First OF JANUARY. “Queen's Taxes due.” It is to be hoped the Royal

Lady will be able to settle up.
“Law terms” for 1883 will doubtless be as high as ever ; at all events
it is very fee-sible.

AN ASTRONOMICAL GEE-GEF.—Apogee and perigee.
MAY AND JUNE.
The Queen's birthday being on the 24th of
May is really no excuse for drinking Her
Majesty's health and long life to a police
station extent, though making that excuse may
reduce the fine from Iw. to 55., for our magi-
strates are warranted loyal. Never employ
sweeps in May; it takes an average sweep a
month to get rid of the “ Jack in the Green”
effects. One bright May morn we found, on
coming down to breakfast, the “chimbley”.
gentleman, who had condescended to attend
at five a.m., reposing on an expensive pale
blue satin couch; and it struck us that May is
a merrier month for the sweep than for those
who require his services.

In June it is just as well to wash and shear
your sheep. If you haven't got any sheep
don't trouble about it, but utilize other people's
by dropping in at the “Cri.” and having
devilled kidneys for supper, washed down with
hock; sheer necessity after this labour may

oblige you to smoke, before turning in, a We weep not while we often smart, but twinlike comfort seek; Rothschild Partaga, with the juice of the juni.

I am a friend to Blue Pillies, buttered crab softly sighs, We gaily take this fact to heart, we're always flogged for cheek. per, mixed with ginger-beer and plenty of ice. My clients dream not of lilies, roses, or soft blue eyes.

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SISTERLY AFFECTION. MARY (a domestic treasure).-—" It's all nonsense, Ethel ! The new doctor wouldn't follow you unless you encouraged him. If he annoyed me like it, I should just turn round and give him one of my looks. I think he would understand me.

Ethel.—(the flirt of the family).-—"Oh, yes, dear! I am sure he would. One of your looks would be quite plain enough for any one to understand.”

Predictions for 1883. It will rain.

“Trophonius" will, probably, “spot the winner" some time during the year.

German sausage will, for the first time, not be pure.

Some will have a (n)arrow escape from the cute and (d)artful Cupid on February 14th.

There will be an eclipse every week in 1883 : each successive number of FUN will eclipse its predecessors.

HEALTH HINTS.
About Christmas-time beware of bill-ious attacks.
Should you go to law you will be liable to attacks of intermittent fee-ver.

Any undue indulgence in scribbling will be wellnigh certain to bring on an attack of type-us.

Be careful how you mix with the crowd on Bank Holidays—'Arry-sipelas is very catching

In wearing rings be particular as to the stone in them. Some cannot be worn without inducing carbuncle on the fingers.

JULY AND AUGUST.
Fire insurances due at Midsummer expire.
It is always well to pay up your insurance
before going in for arson; besides being more
honest and respectable it ensures your getting
the claim you put in settled with less bother.
If you are a farmer hoe freely, if you are not
you may "oh!” freely should any one tread on
your favourite corn. There is nothing so easy
as to order a magnificent dinner at Greenwich
or Richmond in July—the only difficulty, if
you happen to be a poor clerk, is paying for it.
Employers are frequently robbed during the
Greenwich and Richmond seasons.

On the 4th of August the oyster season begins.
The stout season does not entirely depend on
The oyster-stout is legally consumed all the
year round. The bivalvular testaceous mollusc
is to be found usually in prime condition at
Scott's during the season, patiently waiting to
die as an oyster should. To bon vivants, gour-
mets, and gourmanas the question of cuisine is

an all-important one. Had we space, we Through whistling shot and howling shell once more I've made would enumerate the many things we love in La Belle France weeps, but knows full well the Lion seized the August; but never forget stewed steak and chance.

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I wish I were a dicky bird, or then I'd build my nest,
And let my virgin song be heard upon some young man's

oysters during this month.

advance.

breast.

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