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GUARD.—“All change here, sir !”
OLD GENTLEMAN (indignantly).-—"I never change! I commence with whisky, and go on with whisky. I never change!"

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Be kind enough to listen to a lyric astronomical,

I'd name each constellation too, and what its true condition is,-
Which, being scientific, is more serious than comical;

Which planet's disagreeable and now in “opposition" is;
I'd mention in this Alm:inac, without much prolegomena,

I'd like to write an ode on (N)odes (in science verse an aider is),
Eclipses, occultations, and celestial phenomena.

And analyse the Zenith, and inform you what the Nadir is.
I desire to show to those who have not studied at our colleges

Of "Southing" and of “Solstices” I'd speak in manner cursory,
What treasure to the intellect this planetary knowledge is;

And touch on both the Ursas in a style to suit a (n) Ursa.ry;
And I'd show you how the Zodiac, that belt of light that shines a lot,

I'd treat of flying Pegasus, a sort of starry merry "gee,
Like Freemasons, and the “Foresters, "and “Bungs,"goes in for "signs"a lot. And elucidate the mysteries of Apogee and Perigee.
I'd expatiate on Jupiter, and also on its satellites;

Yea various star phenomena I willingly would mention too, -
Of Pallas and of Venus, who, of course, are very "natty.” lights.

They're matters which an Almanac like Fun's should give attention to;
I'd describe the “rings” that Saturn wears, and what his situation is,

But, lo! our Editor remarks he cannot see the wit of it,
And what “horizontal parallax” and what "configuration" is.

And adds, “he'd take it on if I but understood a bit of it!"
For the first three Sundays in September

lists of jurors are affixed to the church doors;
this is about as near to the church as many of
the jurors get. The sight of pa's name in a
prominent position is no doubt a source of
extreme gratification to married jurors' wives
and children ; if a juror happens to be un.
married, his name being advertised is no good
at all, but a regular nuisance. The lunar sport-
ing during this month is usually much more
satisfactory to the tenant than the landlord.

During the first week of October common
lodging houses must be whitewashed; it would
be well if the characters of those who frequent
these places could be whitewashed as well.
Tobacco-juice, molasses, and salt is freely used
by unscrupulous brewers (a race fast dying out)
in October. Towards the end of this month
wives get unusually affectionate, and hints are
given anent sealskin jackets, new winter dresses,

etc. ; after this family jars frequently take place.
Beetles, potatoes, alum, and dust, few grains of rye or wheat,

The twilight of October is well adapted for
Cash, short weight, so buy you 'must, if staff of life" you'd landlord shooting in Ireland, being neither too Will Irish crimes be e'er forgotten? When the slaughter d scor-

dark nor too light.

On vice full ripe and reason rotten, of assassins paid with gold.



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Why is this departing individual obviously a perfect gentleman, in spite of his not having paid his bill :- Why, because he is “ doing the Grand," of course !

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Slugs and snails are very active in November -so are burglars-catch them if you can and destroy them. The rum punch season is usually in good working order at this period of the year, and mayors swear a good deal in the early part of November. About this time croup flourishes freely ; be sure, on getting up in the night, to give your ailing child physic out of the right bottle. Kid reviver, for instance, does not cure croup. The fact of Sagittarius being the sign of November, is no reason for young people drawing the long bow during this month.

Make merry and give alms in December ; if you happen to be a chairman of quarter sessions, have the mendicant who has solicited your charity charged before you, and after he is found guilty sentence him to a year's hard labour and twenty-four strokes with a birch rod, as Mr. Hardman did recently, it will enable you to enjoy your Christmas dinner thoroughly. During this month bargains are

to be picked up, and as no woman ever was All for myself

, and hang the rest. With satire arrows sharp and known to throw away a chance of a bargain, On milk of goats kids may be fed; but give old men good ale rough

and wine, I'd sacrifice my humblest guest to vent my spleen in accents you may expect cartloads of patent mouse-traps, Both sparkling white and rosy red. Gee up, old Bill, I want gruff.

vent-pegs, and toasting-forks, brought home. to dine.

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1. To avoid intruders, why not revert to the primitive idea of the river villages ! 2. Or, perhaps, an “Army” circular hung in the hall might be effective. 3. Something might be done with a dummy and some luminous paint. 4. Brown, however, is always well protected-he keeps a pretty cook. 5. See above. 6. Quiverful takes care of his "hostages." 7. How would a few torpedo-crackers answer? 8. Or a judicious arrangement of lawn tennis net and scrapers ? 9. The aesthetic one sleeps calmly; the bull's-eyes in the window scare them.

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It may be stated
I'm not insane

Or elevated ;
Although my eye

Is wild and dazey
And seems awry,

I am not crazy.
I do advance

With indecision,
For objects dance

Before my vision.
It makes me sick-

In this my “digging,”
There's not a stick

That isn't jigging !
The gods confound

With tribulations
The “Underground"

And all its stations
And their contents-

That latest “wrinkle,"

That madly twinkle !
My train was late;

With heart a-sinking
I had to wait

And watch them winking ;
Their ban on me

Is simply fated
To never be

My brain it fills,

That blinding futter
Of Jinks's Pills

And Binks's Butter;
My sun shall sink

Ere time abolish
The memoried blink

Of Pogson's Polish.
Matildal stop

This endless throbbing ;
The crumpets hop,

The butter's bobbing,
The candles dance,

The fire is winking,
The pictures prance -

I'll take to drinking!

AL by its



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SHE.—“Shall we be partners, Charlie ?” He. — “Hope so-some day."
SHE. “But I'm waiting.” He.—“So am I, dearest, till Fortune is more frequent in her smiles."

ShE.- Why, whatever are you talking of?”. HE.—“ You want us to be partners at lawn tennis—I want us to be partners for life!" ShE.-"Oh 1-Charlie !"

(But she didn't hurry off to the game, though.

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VALEDICTORY, FARE you well ! old Eighty-Two, But ere away you feebly stalk,

Bid him cherish and defend It seems we now must part with you; Teach the Yearlet how to walk. Every loved one, every friend;


CURE for Neuralgia
and Nervous Head-

aches. Cures at once
by outward applicati in, w thout just the hair. Price as.; by post,
2/2 J G. SHIRLEY 2 Westlionen-(-nye Landinn.





Happy may our readers be
’Neath the sway of “Eighty-Three."


SAVE AT LEAST 30 per cent.

Bee them tried at SHOW ROOMS, Opposite Charing Cross

Post Office.

CRI Oils cat1



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