Man's Place in Nature

I've heard her thoroughly described

A hundred times, I'm sure;

And all the while I've tried to smile,

And patiently endure;

He waxes strong upon his pangs,
And potters o'er his grog;
And still I say, in a playful way—
"Why you're a lucky dog!"

But oh! it is the heaviest bore,
Of all the bores I know,

To have a friend who's lost his heart
A short time ago.

I really wish he'd do like me
When I was young and strong;
I formed a passion every week,
But never kept it long.

But he has not the sportive mood
That always rescued me,

And so I would all women could

Be banished o'er the sea.

For 'tis the most egregious bore,

Of all the bores I know,

To have a friend who's lost his heart
A short time ago.

William E. Aytoun.

MAN'S PLACE IN NATURE

DEDICATED TO DARWIN AND HUXLEY

THEY told him gently he was made
Of nicely tempered mud,

That man no lengthened part had played
Anterior to the Flood.

'Twas all in vain; he heeded not,

Referring plant and worm,

Fish, reptile, ape, and Hottentot,

To one primordial germ.

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They asked him whether he could bear
To think his kind allied

To all those brutal forms which were
In structure Pithecoid;
Whether he thought the apes and us
Homologous in form;

He said, "Homo and Pithecus
Came from one common germ."

They called him "atheistical,"

Sceptic," and "infidel."

They swore his doctrines without fail
Would plunge him into hell.
But he with proofs in no way lame,
Made this deduction firm,

That all organic beings came
From one primordial germ.

That as for the Noachian flood,
'Twas long ago disproved,
That as for man being made of mud,
All by whom truth is loved
Accept as fact what, malgré strife,
Research tends to confirm—

That man, and everything with life,

Came from one common germ.

Unknown.

THE NEW VERSION

A SOLDIER of the Russians

Lay japanned at Tschrtzvkjskivitch,
There was lack of woman's nursing
And other comforts which

Might add to his last moments
And smooth the final way;-
But a comrade stood beside him
To hear what he might say.
The japanned Russian faltered
As he took that comrade's hand,

Amazing Facts About Food

And he said: "I never more shall see
My own, my native land;

Take a message and a token

To some distant friends of mine,

For I was born at Smnlxzrskgqrxzski,

Fair Smnlxzrskgqrxzski on the Irkztrvzkimnov."

W. J. Lampton.

AMAZING FACTS ABOUT FOOD

The Food Scientist tells us: A deficiency of iron, phosphorus, potassium, calcium and the other mineral salts, colloids and vitamines of vegetable origin leads to numerous forms of physical disorder."

I YEARN to bite on a Colloid

With phosphorus, iron and Beans;

I want to be filled with Calcium, grilled,
And Veg'table Vitamines!

I yearn to bite on a Colloid

(Though I don't know what it means) To line my inside with Potassium, fried, And Veg'table Vitamines.

I would sate my soul with spinach
And dandelion greens.

No eggs, nor ham, nor hard-boiled clam,
But Veg'table Vitamines.

Hi, Waiter! Coddle the Colloids

With phosphorus, iron and Beans;

Though Mineral Salts may have some faults,
Bring on the Vitamines.

Unknown.

TRANSCENDENTALISM

IT is told, in Buddhi-theosophic schools,
There are rules,

By observing which, when mundane labor irks
One can simulate quiescence

By a timely evanescence

From his Active Mortal Essence,
(Or his Works.)

The particular procedure leaves research

In the lurch,

But, apparently, this matter-moulded form
Is a kind of outer plaster,

Which a well-instructed Master

Can remove without disaster

When he's warm.

And to such as mourn an Indian Solar Clime
At its prime

'Twere a thesis most immeasurably fit,

So expansively elastic,

And so plausibly fantastic,
That one gets enthusiastic

For a bit.

Unknown.

A "CAUDAL" LECTURE

PHILOSOPHY shows us 'twixt monkey and man
One simious line in unbroken extendage;
Development only since first it began-

And chiefly in losing the caudal appendage.

Our ancestors' holding was wholly in tail,
And the loss of this feature we claim as a merit;
But though often at tale-bearing people we rail,
'Tis rather a loss than a gain we inherit.

Salad

The tail was a rudder-a capital thing

To a man who was half-or a quarter-scas over; And as for a sailor, by that he could cling,

And use for his hands and his feet both discover.

In the Arts it would quickly have found out a place;
The painter would use it to steady his pencil;
In music, how handy to pound at the bass!

And then one could write by its coilings prehensile.

The Army had gained had the fashion endured-
'Twould carry a sword, or be good in saluting;
If the foe should turn tail, they'd be quickly secured;
Or, used as a lasso, 'twould help in recruiting.

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To the Force 'twould add force-they could "run 'em in " so
That one to three culprits would find himself equal;

He could collar the two, have the other in tow-
A very good form of the Tale and its Sequel.

In life many uses 'twould serve we should see

A man with no bed could hang cosily snoozing; "Twould hold an umbrella, hand cups round at tea, Or a candle support while our novel perusing.

In fact, when one thinks of our loss from of old,
It makes us regret that we can't go in for it, or
Wish, like the Dane, we a tail could unfold,

Instead of remaining each one a stump orator.

William Sawyer.

SALAD

To make this condiment, your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard-boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites so soon;